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Original poster

Why was I nice?!

40 replies

Ringley · 15/10/2025 06:30

I'm new to my choir. I had a pleasant enough 5 minute chat with another member yesterday at the end.

During the chat, she invited me to her recital in a couple of days, and I said no. When I said that, I was asked why I couldn't go in a rather pushy way. I told her, but was a little surprised that she'd ask a stranger to explain themselves.

It seems she's got my number from the choir what's app chat. I've woken up to 10 messages from her. 2 inviting herself to join me on future events like the one that's making me miss her recital. One telling me how sad she is I'm not going to the recital. 3 about the choir. And 4 about her journey home and that she's arrived home safely.

All sent after 9.45pm (phone was thankfully on silent)

I'll send a short reply, but argh! I knew there was a reason I hated group chats.

OP posts:
SepticPegsSepticLeg · 15/10/2025 06:31

Don't reply, just block. She is a pushy weirdo.

Screenager · 15/10/2025 06:33

Just block, do not reply!

Original poster
Ringley · 15/10/2025 06:34

I've got to sit near her every week. It's not as easy as blocking.

OP posts:
PrizedPickledPopcorn · 15/10/2025 06:37

Yes, block. Say you don’t use WhatsApp except in groups.
And talk often about being very busy and doing choir for your mental health as you are so busy! Very busy!

NellieElephantine · 15/10/2025 06:38

Grey rock her as mn recommends!
Give little of yourself other than how busy you are and choir is your only respite!

autienotnaughty · 15/10/2025 06:42

Agree don’t respond at all. Next week if she raises it just say sorry you don’t use what’s app except for groups and change the subject.
if you answer you are agreeing to communicate in this way with her which is fine if you are happy to but likelihood is it will increase.

Screenager · 15/10/2025 06:43

Ringley · 15/10/2025 06:34

I've got to sit near her every week. It's not as easy as blocking.

Just don’t reply then.

Bernadinetta · 15/10/2025 06:49

Tough one as I assume most adults who join a choir do so to widen their social circle and make new friends rather than to become a professional singer. Do you have kids, OP? A partner? Talk often about how busy you are with the kids’ stuff- their school things, ferrying them to clubs, doing things with your parter. Talk about work. Don’t talk about your personal interests and what you do with your free time on your own.

Silverbirchleaf · 15/10/2025 06:54

Wow, that seems a bit OTT. The first invite, during the chat , is fair enough but not all the messages.

I’d ignore any future messages, and if she says anything, just say you haven’t got time to reply. If she enquires why, just say your private life is private.

BadActingParsley · 15/10/2025 07:00

She’s a weirdo, others in the choir will be having/had the same issues. Block her and avoid.

KimHwn · 15/10/2025 07:05

I dunno, I think that many people use Whatsapp messages as one per sentence, because the reply function is easier to use if you post each bit separately.

Daisymay8 · 15/10/2025 07:05

Say you find social media and messages stressful, make you anxious - whatever some reason and you never respond except group chats.
I don't think this is unreasonable - I cannot stand all the expectations for hearts, thumbs up totally unnecessary inclusion and 'fun'

Original poster
Ringley · 15/10/2025 07:37

Bernadinetta · 15/10/2025 06:49

Tough one as I assume most adults who join a choir do so to widen their social circle and make new friends rather than to become a professional singer. Do you have kids, OP? A partner? Talk often about how busy you are with the kids’ stuff- their school things, ferrying them to clubs, doing things with your parter. Talk about work. Don’t talk about your personal interests and what you do with your free time on your own.

You get it 😁

I joined as I love to sing. I saw this choir enjoy performing in the summer and thought I want to be part of that.

The event she invited herself to joining was myself and my partner watching my child perform in a show. Again, odd behaviour.

I'm not going to make up that I don't use what's app, or that it makes me anxious or that I'm very very busy. I'm not a liar.

I think immediately blocking is a childish response. Blocking is for when someone has actually done something to offend you and you choose no further contact.

I'm going to send my reply this afternoon.

Just 1 short reply.

Not 10.

OP posts:
Bernadinetta · 15/10/2025 07:57

Ringley · 15/10/2025 07:37

You get it 😁

I joined as I love to sing. I saw this choir enjoy performing in the summer and thought I want to be part of that.

The event she invited herself to joining was myself and my partner watching my child perform in a show. Again, odd behaviour.

I'm not going to make up that I don't use what's app, or that it makes me anxious or that I'm very very busy. I'm not a liar.

I think immediately blocking is a childish response. Blocking is for when someone has actually done something to offend you and you choose no further contact.

I'm going to send my reply this afternoon.

Just 1 short reply.

Not 10.

Show quote history

Hopefully if you keep things brief but polite and be generally unavailable to her then it will eventually peter out

LemonLass · 15/10/2025 08:02

Hi @Ringley
Dont block, ignore...

If they raise the issue at future events (try to avoid being alone in convo with them in future), simply smile and be polite and say you don't remember given your number out. Play innocent because this is true. You didn't give your number, they took it from the group and are now acting weird by fabricating a conversation/friendship where there isnt one.

This is giving me "Baby Reindeer" vibes 😬

MarmaladeSandwich7 · 15/10/2025 08:03

BadActingParsley · 15/10/2025 07:00

She’s a weirdo, others in the choir will be having/had the same issues. Block her and avoid.

I think to use the word “ weirdo” is unkind.

LemonLass · 15/10/2025 08:06

@Ringley
PS dont reply!!!

  1. She is not your friend
  2. you didnt give permission to use your number
  3. It is giving the person the green light and ignoring them overstepping that boundary.

Replying negates all of this ^

YodasHairyButt · 15/10/2025 08:08

She’s probably lonely and socially awkward. I’d just gently maintain the boundary, minimal essential only contact and distance yourself kindly.

InAHammock · 15/10/2025 08:13

MarmaladeSandwich7 · 15/10/2025 08:03

I think to use the word “ weirdo” is unkind.

Show quote history

It’s not at all inappropriate though, when a total stranger questions why you can’t attend her recital, texts you again to say how sad she is you can’t come, invites herself to your child’s event, and sends you ten texts. She clearly is an oddball with no capacity for reading a social situation.

InAHammock · 15/10/2025 08:14

YodasHairyButt · 15/10/2025 08:08

She’s probably lonely and socially awkward. I’d just gently maintain the boundary, minimal essential only contact and distance yourself kindly.

Well, it’s obvious why she’s lonely, isn’t it?

ImAPreMadonna · 15/10/2025 08:14

Don’t reply and if she mentions it next time you see her, something like this might help:

’I don’t communicate that way & I found the level of messages a tad overwhelming’

If pushed. ‘That’s all I have to say / I’ve nothing else to add’ on repeat.

And don’t engage further - you do not owe this stranger anything.

NuffSaidSam · 15/10/2025 08:16

InAHammock · 15/10/2025 08:13

It’s not at all inappropriate though, when a total stranger questions why you can’t attend her recital, texts you again to say how sad she is you can’t come, invites herself to your child’s event, and sends you ten texts. She clearly is an oddball with no capacity for reading a social situation.

Show quote history

It's unusual behaviour definitely. She sounds like she's ND or struggling with her mental health.

I agree with pp that weirdo and oddball are not the kindest words you could use to describe her though.

LemonLass · 15/10/2025 08:29

YodasHairyButt · 15/10/2025 08:08

She’s probably lonely and socially awkward. I’d just gently maintain the boundary, minimal essential only contact and distance yourself kindly.

Hi @Ringley
Most of us try to make sense of others behaviour, based on our own behaviour and understanding. We cannot know why she took your number ans initiated a conversation nor does it matter IF you don't want to have a personal friendship with this person.

You dont have to be rude, just state the truth with a kind smile if challenged and calmly ask how did you get my number (or state you dont recall giving her your number). Both true. Leave it at that.

Try to avoid being alone or getting into further discussion. You do not have to reply rl anyone. Dont reward their unwanted behaviour.

We dont know they are lonely etc and that is not the basis for making excuses for poor behaviour and protecting personal boundaries.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 15/10/2025 08:34

This is strange behaviour. I would only respond in one word answers. Do not invite her anywhere.

InAHammock · 15/10/2025 08:41

NuffSaidSam · 15/10/2025 08:16

It's unusual behaviour definitely. She sounds like she's ND or struggling with her mental health.

I agree with pp that weirdo and oddball are not the kindest words you could use to describe her though.

Show quote history

No one is suggesting the OP treat this woman unkindly, or that she say ‘Oi, weirdo, leave me alone’ to her. I don’t see any issue with describing this behaviour, or the person doing it, on an anonymous internet forum without the care and kindness one might use to or about a person who was actually in your life. Also, the OP owes only the civility of someone she’s met once at a shared activity, no more.