Why was I nice?!

[Ringley]

I'm new to my choir. I had a pleasant enough 5 minute chat with another member yesterday at the end.

During the chat, she invited me to her recital in a couple of days, and I said no. When I said that, I was asked why I couldn't go in a rather pushy way. I told her, but was a little surprised that she'd ask a stranger to explain themselves.

It seems she's got my number from the choir what's app chat. I've woken up to 10 messages from her. 2 inviting herself to join me on future events like the one that's making me miss her recital. One telling me how sad she is I'm not going to the recital. 3 about the choir. And 4 about her journey home and that she's arrived home safely.

All sent after 9.45pm (phone was thankfully on silent)

I'll send a short reply, but argh! I knew there was a reason I hated group chats.

Totally agree, why is it when people are invasive or boundary pushing do people always offer the 'advice' of #bekind, pander to them, think not on what's best for you, put them first...

I dont agree with not replying. Tell her you don't use WhatsApp for chats as you haven't got time for online chatting. But if she keeps on then you'll have to ignore or block.

People feeling free to be much less polite and pleasant than they would be in real life is a big problem with the the internet isn't it? We can agree to disagree, but I'd have a rethink if I were you.

I agree that the OP owes this person nothing more than civility. Also, that this woman's behaviour is at best annoying and at worst a bit scary.

No need to rethink. I’m not calling anyone on here a weirdo or oddball, either. I see no issue with using those terms about the behaviour of someone I will never meet, who will never see herself this characterise on an anonymous forum. Had that woman posted on here asking ‘Was it weird of someone I met tonight for the first time at choir not to respond to my ten messages and not to respond to my disappointment when she said she couldn’t attend my recital?’ I would find kinder language.

Don't reply but do tell those running the choir - there's usually a committee and there should be at least basic rules of how it operates - as this person could cause a lot of problems and needs to be spoken with. This is either a first time and an escalation of other behaviours or they will know, should have given warnings as appropriate, and be able to deal with it. As you don't even know this person this is serious overstepping.

As I say, we can agree to disagree.

But we all know that people not using their real-life civility because it's anonymous, hidden, no-one will know it was you is a big problem with social media and this kind of forum.

How much you choose to be a part of that is up to you of course, but if it were me I'd be re-thinking my policy. I think you could have expressed the same sentiment with out the need for terms like 'weirdo' and 'oddball'. I'd just have a think to myself about why I chose to use them here, knowing absolutely that I wouldn't use them in real-life.

Very cruel and childish. Just get the courage to use your words directly to the person.

You need to be careful with this type of person, I’ve encountered this type before.

You need to nip this in the bud now because she could become stalkerish in her behaviour, but if you cross her she might start making up lies about you - I let mine go on for too long for the sake of being “nice” and experienced both stalkerish behaviour and then lies being spread about me by the person.

Back away slowly. Be surface polite but nothing more, and don’t agree to do anything with her at all going forwards.

If you do send a reply make it brief - but I would point out that you found the amount of messages too much otherwise she will think it is acceptable to keep over messaging you.

Cruel and childish not to respond to unsolicited messages, from someone who @Ringley did NOT give her number out to? So every time someone gets a random contact them like this, the correct response is to seek them out in person and tell them "I don't want to be your friend"?

This is true. And depending on how close-knit some parts of the choir are, it's also worth being careful with how you respond to her for the greater effect. I tried to join one (twice but a big gap between the 2 times) where one line saved seats in sequence for each other, and sitting in one was not for new people to try. Then got called, jokily, 'A random hanger-on'. I love singing but will be looking for something a bit more approachable.

I’ve been thinking about a one sentence reply to this deluge of messages. But honestly, I haven’t come up with anything that I think would work. I agree with the majority here that the best reply is no reply.
if questioned later you need to be honest.
“I was taken aback by all your messages. It was a bit overwhelming to be honest. “

At the very least she is acting really weird. Completely over the top behaviour because someone was nice and made small talk for five minutes. I wouldn't be encouraging that whatsoever.

It would be unkind to use it to her. To use it about her in an anonymous forum has no impact on her whatsoever.

Also, she definitely is a weirdo.

I sent my one word reply, answering her last question.

She responded within seconds.

And there it's being left by me.

And muted her notifications on WhatsApp.

Did you authorise the choir leader(s) to make your phone number publicly available on the whatsapp chat? Being in a social media group connected to your hobby is one thing, but they should not have put your phone number (or email address or anything else) on there without getting your agreement first. GDPR breach right there.