Bad manners - mine!

[GherkOut]

I have realised, probably far too late in life, that my manners leave a lot to be desired.
I’m not talking about how to eat a banana with a knife and fork, or how to address a bishop.
My failings are more mundane… I interrupt before others have finished speaking, sometimes take the last of something on a shared plate, don’t know how to cut different types of cheese, forget to stand up when introduced to someone.
This is something I need to work on.
So, hit me with your must-dos!
What are the bad manners which really grind your gears?

Being spoken over is my pet hate. If you habitually do that, working on this one would be good.

Someone has to take the last piece, so I wouldn’t fret on that too much.

Yes, I don't think you should worry about any of these really other than speaking over people.

Cheese-cutting - niche, not many people would notice (how often do you publicly cut cheese?).
Standing up on intro - yes, it's polite but not a dealbreaker if your manner is otherwise friendly and courteous
Taking last on shared plate - again, polite to ask but no big deal unless you take the last one before others have had the opportunity to have anything at all.

Work on the speaking over and when you're confident you've improved that, look at the less obvious ones if you want to.

Waiting til everyone is sitting down before starting to eat and not leaving the table til everyone’s finished. Always say please and thank you. And excuse me if you burp.Sit up reasonably straight and don’t eat too fast. Include everyone present in the conversation(unless it’s a massive group of course) Just treat people nicely.

Don't eat with your mouth open or noisily.

And flush the loo - what is it with some people!

Don’t interrupt or talk over. LISTEN and ask questions! my work colleague does this and honestly it’s awful. I can tell she is juts waiting to chime in with her own version of what someone had said.

It’s realising I do this that made me look more carefully at my manners in general.
I don’t even know why I do it, as I am interested in what others have to say. I just have trouble keeping my thoughts in my head until it’s my turn!

I'm sorry but this is peak MN

Not knowing how to cut what cheese??

Ooh I know this.
I learnt it on here and feel bad about all the times I've done it!

You're not supposed to cut the "nose" off a triangle of brie.

My table manners are awful. I chew with my mouth closed but I hold my cutlery all weird and eat really fast.

The listening thing is a top tip.

I went to a course on Saturday. There were a few students from the same college on it, and they were understandably sitting round a table with one another and chatting. Then there were an equal number of individuals who arrived in the room on their own. Almost without exception they buried themselves in their phones rather than talking to others. I thought "I'm not doing that" so tried to engage the young woman on my right in conversation. I asked her if she was from a certain university and she said "Yes, I'm a Masters student in x". I waited for a follow up question from her - there was none, and she went back to her phone.

That struck me as really bad mannered and totally ignorant. Listening and being able to make polite conversation is really important. Shyness is not an excuse.

Stand up meeting a new person. Don’t start eating at table before everyone has been served. Knife and fork in correct hands. Cheese is more niche but you cut rind to centre. No public grooming, don’t eat and walk. Those are some basics I grew up with.

Most people won't care about the cheese, let that one go.

I'm not a fan of monologuers. That actually bothers me more than people who interrupt and I even suspect that most people who complain that others interrupt them are the ones talking monologues.

I don't always know when you're supposed to hold the door for someone or when they are expecting you to hold the door. I can't always tell the difference and I'll hang back when I see someone coming the other way out of a door if I can't get away with it or stick with automatic doors to avoid that situation.

brb googling how to cut cheese!

Out of all of those, only talking over someone is really rude, and in fairness a lot of people do it!

Someone has to take the last thing on a plate, if you only do it 'sometimes' then that sounds about right.

Well I thought there are ways to cut cheese when you take it from a shared cheese plate. Like, if there’s a big triangle of Brie, you’re not supposed to cut off the end of it.

I think this is a bigger thing than manners though, imho. I’m not socially inadequate, which is more what I think you’re describing.

Don’t cut the nose of the cheese. Slivers off the sides.

compliment people and show an interest in them.

As long as someone uses a knife and fork in a way that doesn't impact others or make a mess on the table, there are no "correct hands". For many left handed people, for example, holding the fork in the right hand and knife in the left would be correct for them. This really isn't an example of good manners. Waiting for others to be served before starting to eat, eating with your mouth closed and not shovelling food in are.

If somebody lends you something, always return it promptly. Doesn't matter how small or inexpensive it is.

If you break it, admit to it and ask them what they want you to do.

If somebody cooks for you and, I dunno, gives you a lasagne in a dish for example, don't assume the dish comes with the gift of the food and now belongs in your cupboard.

Eating/ dinner party etiquette

mouth closed. Don’t over fill your mouth. Don’t pen your knife. Hold cutlery properly and not American style!
have a conversation around the table and no phones of screens! Never check your phone at all dinner party. Compliment the chef! Wait till everyone is seated before starting. Never take a second helping until everyone else is finished and a second helping has been offered. Refuse the last bite, unless hosts insists. Place cuttlery together at the end of a meal on your plate. Don’t stand up and start clearing if you’re a guest.. Fill others people’s glasses, never your own. Offer things like salt/cindiments- would you like the salt, no thank you, would you? Do not reach across people.

That's not niche, it's common knowledge!

That's a fair point, but in my opinion, a couple of the the 'manners' you described in your OP are just window dressing.

Genuine courtesy partly means giving people the same consideration they give you. So yes, giving someone the courtesy of asking them a similar question in a professional setting is important. Putting people at their ease, engaging in eye contact, making conversation....all really important stuff. Manners maketh the (wo)man. Standing up when you are introduced to someone is part of this - it shows that you consider them worthy of your attention.

I'll never forget exFIL remaining on the sofa when we had just driven 6 hours to go and stay at theirs. Rude fucker. He was telling us that we were unimportant to him.

The cheese thing is just an unimportant point of etiquette. And I think if you have interrupted someone when they have been speaking, a lot is forgiven by apologising and saying you didn't mean to speak over them, please go on etc.

When someone is talking, most of us are mentally thinking of what we want to say and then waiting for the opportunity to jump in and say our part. Good advice would be to stop doing this. Listen without any attempt to contribute. There will be times when the conversation moves on and it will frustrate you but it's a good practice to accept this happens sometimes. Eventually you will learn to not cut in or not immediately react at all. You'll see a positive response from people I'm sure.

Love this advice, thank you!

How did you know about it? I genuinely had no idea.
My family are not in the slightest bit posh, and we grew up with basic cheddar!

Also, what are you supposed to do with all the end bit of rind on the slivers?

In my own house I chop off a chunk of rind from the main block before slicing a few bits. (Not brie but hard chees.