Bad manners - mine!

[GherkOut]

I have realised, probably far too late in life, that my manners leave a lot to be desired.
I’m not talking about how to eat a banana with a knife and fork, or how to address a bishop.
My failings are more mundane… I interrupt before others have finished speaking, sometimes take the last of something on a shared plate, don’t know how to cut different types of cheese, forget to stand up when introduced to someone.
This is something I need to work on.
So, hit me with your must-dos!
What are the bad manners which really grind your gears?

Trim the hard end of the Brie and leave it on the side of your plate if you don’t like it.

Not until I went to uni and I mixed with a wider circle.

Recently I had to teach DP not to double dip. As in, if you dip a tortilla chip or whoever into a shared pot of hummus or salsa don’t redip the thing you just nibbled back in to the tub.

Either dip a new item or decant some dip onto your plate if you have one.

Apparently this was not common sense 🤷‍♀️

Yeah but in what situation?
I just had never been in a situation where I'd either look up which bits not to cut off cheese, or anyone would a) know and b) decide to tell me!

Dinner parties with different people/types from my usual circle.

Id watch and copy what they did. I knew I was the working class kid interloping so I just watched. Went to dinner parties! A whole new experience.

Dinner parties! Not a thing when I was at uni unless you count someone coming over for an Asda pizza!

Well I'm glad this knowledge is getting passed around somewhere but I do think having these sorts of "you have to know" rules perpetuate the class divides a bit.

You're not supposed to cut the "nose" off a triangle of brie.

I have absolutely no idea what this means.

Spending the entire evening at a table with your back to the person sitting next to you while you have a lovely conversation with everyone to your other side.

Letting go of a door in someone's face.

Forgetting that it's a conversation, not a monologue, and if the other person says something, actually listen and respond to that instead of just carrying on with what you were talking about before. My neighbour did that once - we were on the path outside our houses, and she was wittering on about her dog. I said "Did you know there's an armed siege going on down the High Street? There's police everywhere!!!" (entirely true and in progress at the time), and she carried on with something banal about her dog. I might as well not have spoken at all.😂

Most of the important stuff boils down to acknowledging that you aren’t the most important person in the room. So:

• don’t interupt
• dont take the best thing to eat or drink
• dont start eating before everyone else
• dont take the last item without checking that no one else wants or needs it
• offer seats or assistance to those who need it more than you do
• reciprocate kindness or generosity- eg asking a question back to keep a conversation going with someone you don’t know
• if you can help someone do so, hold the door, bring a cooked meal to a new mum or sick person, etc

Just don't be like these people. (Bremner, Bird and Fortune, Middle Class Dinner Party.)

Funny to think that this sketch is nearly twenty years old. (Featuring Mrs Doyle not being Mrs Doyle and rather young and glam.)

Run time, 7 minutes approx.

I think there's a huge difference between good manners, and social etiquette.

IMO, a person with genuine good manners makes others feel at ease. Sure, that includes not doing boorish/rude things like eating with your mouth open or starting your meal before anyone else is served. But it also means things like looking round a room to see who might need drawing into a conversation. Or remembering to ask a friend a question about something you know they have been worrying about. Or smoothing over a disagreement.

Social etiquette is 'the rules'. It's standing up when you're introduced, or remembering to pass the port to the left, or whatever. People with good social etiquette sometimes (not always!) think it excuses them from having good manners as well.

An example of good manners that are not 'social etiquette' would be a man realising the woman he's with doesn't particularly like it when he opens doors for her, so he politely doesn't make a thing of it and lets her open her own doors. Or equally, someone with good manners would not notice who did or didn't stand up on introduction, but they'd make the other person feel welcomed and greeted.

If you are invited to something, reply promptly.

Say thank you - for invitations to events, meals, drinks, lifts, days out etc... I always send at least a thank you message, big things get a written note.

Take a guest gift if invited to dinner or a party.

Reciprocate invitations.

Offer guests a drink and/or a snack.

Some lovely, helpful replies here, thank you!
(That’s me practising already)

OP, I actually thinks it's really lovely you asking this question, it's very thoughtful. Really it all boils down to thinking of what makes other people feel comfortable and welcome.

Stick to that and you won't go far wrong (and don't worry about Brie noses!!)

This is such wonderful advice

There are no correct hands for the knife and fork. I’m multi handed and the fork is in my right hand. Manners are about being polite. There’s nothing impolite/offensive about eating that way around 🤷🏻‍♀️

Don't belittle allergies by saying you're allergic to something if you're not, then say someone's being dramatic if they tell you they can't eat it because of Coeliac disease.. Don't act as if people with disabilities are subhuman, like speaking over someone's head/ignoring them because they use a wheelchair, complaining if a Deaf person is using airpods as hearing aids, or trying to ban dogs that a person might need for their disability. Deliberately saying something hurtful or offensive, or making sexist, racist or ageist assumptions. Leaving rubbish lying around.