AIBU to get angry at this?

[MarciaMarcia]

So my DH who is an alcoholic dors not live with me and the children. He doesn't have the children at his house as it's unsuitable so the counsellor said how can he help more. I said by getting me a cleaner in lieu f him having hardly any responsibility. He aggreed but then did nothing. I said I'd like him to initiate it. So today without telling me, a cleaner comes to the house. My daughter,15 was off sick and in the house with this random.persln I didn't know was coming. He let them in then left. I was fuming at all of this and now he says I'm ungrateful . He just dies things on his terms. He doesn't think to ask what I need.
I feel I was reasonable to get upset. It's my slave not his to barge in .

You’re unreasonable to not just end the relationship if it’s over all ready.

Britney I'm desperate to get the relationship on track but he's an alcoholic. I have the children full time he dues virtually nothing and I have chronic fatigue syndrome. So I can't do much at all. Fair he pays for a cleanet? I dont understand your comment .

He’s an alcoholic.
So you divorce and focus on you and your kids.
You can’t get a relationship “on track” with someone whose primary relationship is with booze. Not you.

well it’s not unreasonable to be annoyed by this. But I’m surprised you’re surprised… or even annoyed enough to post on mumsnet about it for input.

Alcoholics are notorious for being selfish, unreliable and on their own agenda. Your husband’s just behaved in a way that demonstrates all those things, even when he’s ‘trying’ to do a good thing.

As long as he’s on the booze he won’t have his head sorted enough to help in a helpful way.

Sorry.

I hope you have some support with al-anon or similar

He's an alcoholic, his primary relationship is with alcohol, not you. Unless he wants to change and takes demonstrable action towards changing, you can't get this relationship "back on track"
You need to think of what's best for your and your children.

Origami I didn't mean back on track. I mean in an ideal world. Which ain't happening any time soon or ever. I know. Bad choice of words. I'm doing all I can to protect them.

Blah - you know you couldn't have put it better. That's so right! He thinks he did a nice surprise. To me I feel violated someone was in the house with my daughter I didn't know.
He can't get it and it's exhausting trying to argue . Alcohol wins.

He did the same thing a few weeks ago. I asked him to help tidy the house as I have chronic fatigue. I come home and he's got all the kids clothes in bags fir charity etc. I'm like I didn't ask for them to be sorted. He knows nothing a out what fits then exploded with anger when I got upset and stormed out.
I hate alcohol

He sounds like an idiot, but in his mind he may have been trying to do as you’d asked? I’m not sure what you mean by ‘initiate it’, I’d have assumed like he presumably did, that you wanted him to do the legwork of finding a cleaner and arranging and getting it all done by himself. Something you didn’t have to put any thought or effort into? Which he did. Maybe it would have been better for you to arrange a cleaner and just ask him for the money?

Did you have a cleaner that you know that he was meant to use instead?

@MarciaMarcia You told him to get on with arranging a cleaner so he did? Obviously he should have told you when they were coming but are you not at all pleased, especially given his alcoholism?
also… what do you mean by ‘it’s my slave’ ?!

Slave thing a typo

So yes I have a cleaner. Ideally I'd like him to give me the money and I'd organise another few hours on the app I use .

By initiate it I meant contact me and ask when/ how etc. I didn't mean bring done over I don't know turn leave them with my 15 year old , chuck a bunch of stuff in my bedroom and don't tell me then elvder why I'm annoyed.

@MarciaMarcia tbh you’re not communicating that clearly here so he may also have been confused as to your request.

Everyone knows you need to tidy before the cleaner comes. Nobody wants to let a cleaner in when your knickers are in the middle of the room in all their glory.

I’d be fuming at this lack of notice.

TY exactly!!!
I was fuming a d apparently I'm ungrateful. He says it was supposed to be a nice surprise. But he never says anything nice to me so I just don't buy it.
Ricotta - chronic fatigue affects my cognitive abilities so turns why I don't explain things well .

I agree.

By 'initiating it' I also read you wanted him to organise it - which he has done.

I think you are angry at the wrong thing here.

If he is an alcoholic, that is the issue you need to make decisions about - how are you going to respond to that. None of your examples are suggesting to me he has done anything wrong here - he has done what you have asked him to do.

But surely letting someone in the house without me knowing is wrong??

Then he has just messaged to say the cleaner says she's never seen so much clutter in all her years of ckeaning. He's said it to hurt me. I can barely tidy or clean as I have chronic fatigue, no free time as the kids spend no nights/ days with their dad and he dues no domestic tasks then criticise me.

I'm.broken. please go easy..had a tough night when I reached it fir help with children and he just said no as he was drunk. I was literally on the edge of sanity.

But surely letting someone in the house without me knowing is wrong??

I'll be honest, you aren't being very clear in what you are writing.
At first (in your OP) you say he doesn't live there, but then several other comments imply he is there.

How is he letting the cleaner you asked him to arrange in, if he isn't there?
I am presuming it is a joint house, so not sure why he should let you know that he is doing what you asked him to do, on that particular day. I mean, I would, because dh and I work together as a team, but as your relationship is clearly strained, so again, I suggest you are focusing on the wrong thing.

No he doesn't live here. He has a key so he can come to the house to take the children to school etc. When I work
.à
Sorry I have a brain condition so things get confused.

Why cant your kids help tidy up? Your husband is an acoholic he will always choose the acohol over you, no point even bringing him into the equation.

They do a bit bit not enough.

Yes I've decided to keep him out of the equation. It's not worth the stress.

I don’t think any of this is going to be helping your own health . You need to get him out of your life and concentrate on a calm stress free life to help your conditions . You getting angry isn’t helping I imagine it probably makes your life and mental health worse.

Just tell him his cleaner isn't working out. Find one you do want and tell him to transfer their money to you. If you want full control over it you probably shouldn't have suggested that your husband initiated the cleaner.

Why don't you just leave him? He doesn't sound nice and if you don't live together it should be a fairly smooth process.

Mum2 yea it does. Completely. I get fooled into thinking he is ok when he is calm but unfortunately those moments are so few now as the alcoholism progresses. He cannot contain his emotions. Even my children don't want to hang out with him much. As he tells. Im doing all I can.