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Original poster

I suspect I over reacted, but...

52 replies

Pebblepoppy · 13/10/2025 13:14

I'm an introvert. I enjoy social things but I have to work at them and sometimes it all gets a bit much and I need a break.

DP is the exact opposite and it sometimes feels like he needs to fill every minute with people.

Generally this works well for us, as he knows people and I benefit from his circle/occasionally find a good friend among them I'm also happy for him to go alone, leabing me time to myself.

Recently every weekend has been very busy and we'd agreed that next weekend we'll step back and have a quiet one together.

Then an opportunity came up for him/us to do something with friends that means being in London for 9am on Saturday. It's something he loves and that I enjoy, but we'd agreed to have a break from all the people. He agreed to go without a second thought and without remembering our plans. Tbf our plans were to do "nothing" so they're not in the diary! I can go or not go, it would be fine either way.

I was upset that he'd forgotten our agreement to just "be" together for a couple of days. Once he realised, he's cancelled nd apologised so we can go back to the original plan. I feel upset that he's now only spending the day with me because I yelled at him, not because he wants to.

And on top of that I've shot myself in the foot a bit because a day entirely to myself is probably what I really need!

Would you be upset that he didn't prioritise/wasn't looking forward to doing nothing with you? That's what bothered me, if he was looking forward to it like I was, he wouldn't have forgotten....

OP posts:
Jellybunny56 · 13/10/2025 13:27

I wouldn’t have been bothered if we had no plans and these plans were something I know he’d really enjoy to be honest.

TheBlueHotel · 13/10/2025 13:28

He forgot, he rectified the situation. Don't continue to be cross with him. Tell him to go on the activity with your blessing and enjoy the peace, and spend Sunday with him chilling out.

Original poster
Pebblepoppy · 13/10/2025 13:28

Jellybunny56 · 13/10/2025 13:27

I wouldn’t have been bothered if we had no plans and these plans were something I know he’d really enjoy to be honest.

We didn't have no plans though. We had very specific plans to step back and have the kind of weekend that recharges my batteries, for a change.

OP posts:

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RawBaby · 13/10/2025 13:30

He forgot because, as you say yourself, 'no plans' doesn't appear in the diary, and it was an activity you say yourself you would both enjoy, so he accepted unthinkingly. You did overreact. You're the one who needs downtime, not him. Is there leeway to suggest he goes to the event anyway, leaving you with some much-needed solo time?

I just think it's important that a relationship can encompass both people's social needs, when they're different. If he goes, he gets to do something he loves, and you get solo downtime, and there's still Sunday to hang around together.

Jellybunny56 · 13/10/2025 13:31

Pebblepoppy · 13/10/2025 13:28

We didn't have no plans though. We had very specific plans to step back and have the kind of weekend that recharges my batteries, for a change.

Show quote history

But your plans were to do nothing, that is what you want & need but everyone’s down time looks different. You say yourself you could have done with a day alone to recharge, this day is something he’s excited by and would be nice for him to recharge that way.

Personally I wouldn’t be angry at someone choosing to do something exciting for them versus doing nothing with me.

Hoodlumboodlum · 13/10/2025 13:31

You need to apologise for shouting. It's not the right way to behave. Your social issues don't have to become his.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 13/10/2025 13:34

He's an extrovert and he likes to be around other people. I'm not sure why you would expect him to be looking forward to a quiet weekend at home where it's just the two of you? That was planned for your benefit, not his - for you, it's essential recharging time. For him, it's a dull weekend with nothing happening. Neither of you are right or wrong about this, you're just different.

It isn't great that he forgot the agreement, of course, but it sounds like he sorted it as soon as he realised, so he clearly accepts and respects your need for downtime. Yabu to demand that he should look forward to it.

Original poster
Pebblepoppy · 13/10/2025 13:39

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 13/10/2025 13:34

He's an extrovert and he likes to be around other people. I'm not sure why you would expect him to be looking forward to a quiet weekend at home where it's just the two of you? That was planned for your benefit, not his - for you, it's essential recharging time. For him, it's a dull weekend with nothing happening. Neither of you are right or wrong about this, you're just different.

It isn't great that he forgot the agreement, of course, but it sounds like he sorted it as soon as he realised, so he clearly accepts and respects your need for downtime. Yabu to demand that he should look forward to it.

It was his idea, something nice he apparently wanted to do for me. And spending time with someone you love isn't really doing "nothing", even if you have no other plans.

I can look forward to things I'm doing for his benefit, even though they wouldn't necessarily be my first choice on how to spend the time.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 13/10/2025 13:41

Think yab a bit u. I understand where you're coming from but your dp is a different fish. He likely didn't mean any offence by accepting the outing.
I like restorative, do-nothing time to myself too but wouldn't insist on company for it.

TheFoodLife · 13/10/2025 13:41

It means you aren’t in the first flush of romance. That’s all. He’s willing/happy to keep a weekend free to be with you alone. But it’s not his preference.

Sartre · 13/10/2025 13:42

You overreacted by yelling for sure. He clearly forgot and accepted because it’s something both of you enjoy, rather than selfishly wanting to do something just for himself. He didn’t deserve to be shouted at and I think you owe him an apology.

KimHwn · 13/10/2025 13:43

Don't shout!

pictoosh · 13/10/2025 13:49

"Personally I wouldn’t be angry at someone choosing to do something exciting for them versus doing nothing with me."

In a nutshell. And plus, there's still Sunday.

Original poster
Pebblepoppy · 13/10/2025 13:52

pictoosh · 13/10/2025 13:49

"Personally I wouldn’t be angry at someone choosing to do something exciting for them versus doing nothing with me."

In a nutshell. And plus, there's still Sunday.

Yes, but "nothing" means good food, nice wine, shared music/films, conversation, sex. We're not actually going to sit and look at each other in silence all day.

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 13/10/2025 13:57

Pebblepoppy · 13/10/2025 13:39

It was his idea, something nice he apparently wanted to do for me. And spending time with someone you love isn't really doing "nothing", even if you have no other plans.

I can look forward to things I'm doing for his benefit, even though they wouldn't necessarily be my first choice on how to spend the time.

Show quote history

You can look forward to things that you're doing for his benefit, but it would be very unreasonable for him to demand that you should look forward to them.

Given that the quiet weekend was his idea, I do think he should have remembered, but it's clear even from your post that he was doing this for you and not for himself. Which is fine, lots of us do stuff that makes our partners happy even if we're not really interested in it for ourselves. And even when we don't actually look forward to it.

As for spending time with you, he would still have been doing this if you had gone to the London event, it's just that others would have been around as well. There are different ways of spending time together, and not everyone will feel that an entire weekend of "togetherness" to the exclusion of other people is necessary.

If your DH was disregarding your need for quiet time to recharge, and insisting that you should go to the thing in London, then I would feel that he wasn't sufficiently respecting your needs and preferences. But he has cancelled the plans to go along with the quiet weekend that you wanted, so I can't really see the issue.

Is it that you're somehow feeling offended by the fact that he isn't super excited about the prospect of spending a weekend with you alone? If that's the case, I don't think you should take offence. It clearly isn't personal, he just likes to be social.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 13/10/2025 13:59

Pebblepoppy · 13/10/2025 13:52

Yes, but "nothing" means good food, nice wine, shared music/films, conversation, sex. We're not actually going to sit and look at each other in silence all day.

Show quote history

And that's fair enough, but given the choice, he would enjoy the two of you socialising with others more than the above. Because that's the way his brain is wired. Again, it isn't personal.

RawBaby · 13/10/2025 13:59

Pebblepoppy · 13/10/2025 13:52

Yes, but "nothing" means good food, nice wine, shared music/films, conversation, sex. We're not actually going to sit and look at each other in silence all day.

Show quote history

Do that on Sunday? Spend Saturday having the solo downtime you acknowledge you need, while he has fun in London.

Waitingfordoggo · 13/10/2025 14:03

I’m in a very similar situation with my OH- he is a massively sociable extrovert and I am not. In this situation, I’d have wanted him to go without me, and would have encouraged that, because I don’t think staying at home alone with me would bring him as much joy. When I have a quiet, ‘no people’ weekend, I like to really retreat into solitude so it doesn’t matter if OH is there or not. So when we come up against situations like this, I will tell him that I am planning to be silent and slow moving at home and he is welcome to be in the house with me while I do that, but that I don’t mind at all if he wants to go and be sociable.

Waitingfordoggo · 13/10/2025 14:04

I see from your further posts that quiet weekends for you might involve conversation, movies, sex etc whereas for me they don’t 😂 So I guess that’s different.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 13/10/2025 14:05

Jellybunny56 · 13/10/2025 13:31

But your plans were to do nothing, that is what you want & need but everyone’s down time looks different. You say yourself you could have done with a day alone to recharge, this day is something he’s excited by and would be nice for him to recharge that way.

Personally I wouldn’t be angry at someone choosing to do something exciting for them versus doing nothing with me.

Show quote history

Agreed. If you need time to yourself that's fine, but why does he have to?

Original poster
Pebblepoppy · 13/10/2025 14:06

Barrenfieldoffucks · 13/10/2025 14:05

Agreed. If you need time to yourself that's fine, but why does he have to?

Show quote history

You don't ever want/have time alone with DP?

OP posts:
derxa · 13/10/2025 14:08

I don’t care.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 13/10/2025 14:12

Pebblepoppy · 13/10/2025 14:06

You don't ever want/have time alone with DP?

Show quote history

All couples need time alone together, but this happens quite naturally for most of us when you live together.

Not all couples will want or need entire weekends of togetherness where they don't interact with anyone outside the relationship.

But it doesn't really matter what other people want or need. The fact is, you need this time and your DH respects this need. That's good. And yet you seem to be affronted by the fact that he doesn't seem to need it as much as you do, but he can't help it if he doesn't. It doesn't mean that he doesn't like spending time with you.

renthead · 13/10/2025 14:15

Pebblepoppy · 13/10/2025 14:06

You don't ever want/have time alone with DP?

Show quote history

I’d hazard a guess that most people don’t really plan weekends at home alone with their longterm, live in partners. It’s nice that you want to do this, but I don’t think it’s that typical, which is why other posters don’t see the issue with your partner forgetting / going on his own.

Tiredandneedtogotobed · 13/10/2025 14:15

I know exactly how you feel esp if a day of doing nothing was going to be a quiet day of connecting together. That’s so important. To give him the benefit of the doubt maybe he is just a bit impulsive did he acknowledge when you could have your connecting time another time?

if any of the people commenting to get over it had made a date with a friend who then dropped them for a “better offer” I’m sure they would be feeling a little disappointed - why should it be different for a partner? (Even if you live with someone there is work, household chores, running around after children - it’s not all quality time spent together)