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Is this rude?

30 replies

CatamaranViper · 13/10/2025 11:56

Just a quick one really!
I've been asked to take over birthdays at work. At the start of each month I've just bought vouchers and cards for everyone that month, passed them around to be signed and given them to the person on/near their birthday.
I've just found out that someone who's birthday is next week doesn't celebrate his birthday. I've already had everyone sign the card and have his voucher...should I give it to them an apologise that I didn't realise but wanted to ensure they got the voucher in the interest of fairness? Do I just not give it to them?

OP posts:
DiscoBob · 13/10/2025 11:58

Definitely give him the voucher but maybe not the card. Just do it privately. It doesn't need to be a 'celebration'.

yonem · 13/10/2025 12:04

Is it because of religious reasons? How did you find out - did someone tell you they didn’t like it last year or something like that?
I agree with the suggestion to do it privately and drop the card. You could say the voucher is for appreciation rather than birthday? Does everyone get the same amount voucher?

GoldDuster · 13/10/2025 12:06

I think it depends on how far they take "doesn't celebrate his birthday". Is it doesn't like a fuss in public, or likes to pretend that birthdays' don't exist?

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RawBaby · 13/10/2025 12:10

Ask the person privately? You can always hold onto the voucher for the next birthday if he'd prefer not to be given it, and scrap the card .

Darragon · 13/10/2025 12:15

I’d ask them outright what they’d like you to do. I mean it’s no big secret/surprise when a card appears on other people’s birthdays that one is likely to do the rounds on yours, too. It might turn out they’re a Jehovah’s Witness and that they have a specific set of rules or something.

CatamaranViper · 13/10/2025 12:31

I don't really know the staff member other than to say hi in passing so ive no idea why they don't celebrate it and I feel quite rude asking them directly.
Another staff member mentioned it when I was passing the cards around. I said for people to still sign it and I'll figure it out (erring on the side of caution in case he did want a card).
The previous chap who sorted out birthdays left before I started so I didn't really know what the crack was. I know he used to buy everyone a bottle of wine/4 beers but I thought a voucher would be better as I know not everyone drinks.

The voucher itself is a birthday themed voucher, as it it physically has the words happy birthday [his name] printed on it and a balloon pattern so there's no way to hide what it is. So annoying because I thought I was bossing it!

OP posts:
CrotchetyQuaver · 13/10/2025 13:23

I think you need to go over to him, introduce yourself and your extra responsibility and have a quiet chat with him about how he wants to play it. He could be a JW or other good reason for not celebrating it... last thing you want to do is inadvertently upset him

RawBaby · 13/10/2025 13:27

CrotchetyQuaver · 13/10/2025 13:23

I think you need to go over to him, introduce yourself and your extra responsibility and have a quiet chat with him about how he wants to play it. He could be a JW or other good reason for not celebrating it... last thing you want to do is inadvertently upset him

Yes, exactly. Just say you've just been given this job and want to ascertain his wishes. Be matter of fact and clear that you'll respect his wishes, that you're not going to be all jazz-hands and enforced birthdayishness at him.

ThirdStorm · 13/10/2025 13:48

You sound very considerate. I think you should discreetly ask what his preferences are given that you have been asked to organise birthdays.

I'm pretty low key on my birthday, if my team wish to give me a card that is lovely but equally not expected or needed. I would be horrified and very uncomfortable if a card was circulated and donations given to fund a gift/voucher. I could just about live with it, if it was a big birthday.

I also get a bit funny about my employer telling people my date of birth - if I choose to tell people when my birthday is that's fine, whilst my employer has my date of birth on file, it is private information which they must not be giving out!

BigFatBully · 13/10/2025 13:50

CatamaranViper · 13/10/2025 11:56

Just a quick one really!
I've been asked to take over birthdays at work. At the start of each month I've just bought vouchers and cards for everyone that month, passed them around to be signed and given them to the person on/near their birthday.
I've just found out that someone who's birthday is next week doesn't celebrate his birthday. I've already had everyone sign the card and have his voucher...should I give it to them an apologise that I didn't realise but wanted to ensure they got the voucher in the interest of fairness? Do I just not give it to them?

Doesn't celebrate his birthday? Is that in an actual sense or a figure of speech/exaggeration?

I'd just put the card in the bin and move on if he doesn't want any fuss made. I doubt the colleagues will ask him about it if he's not the celebratory type.

CatamaranViper · 13/10/2025 14:01

Apparently it is a religious reason he doesn't celebrate his birthday so I definitely don't want to offend/upset him.

Just for the record as well, the company pay for the voucher so no contribution is asked from the staff, and staff don't know the actual date of birthdays unless the staff member choses to share it. That's why I get people to sign cards at the start of the month. So for example this month we have 5 birthdays so on 1st October I sent all 5 cards around for people to sign.
I then give people the cards either directly or pop them in their pigeon hole.

Thanks for all the suggestions, I will just approach him discretely, apologise for not knowing and explain what's happened. Hopefully I don't offend him!

OP posts:
SprayWhiteDung · 13/10/2025 14:07

So how did you find out his birthday in the first place?

Did you ask him and he told you - in which case, surely he would ask why you wanted to know; and then when you told him it was for the office birthday celebrations, he would have told you that he didn't celebrate it in any way or want it marked?

If somebody gave you his birthday from the official records without any work-related justification for you needing it, they could get in trouble for that.

CatamaranViper · 13/10/2025 15:19

Birthdays are displayed in the staff HR system which I and other managers have access to.

OP posts:
SprayWhiteDung · 13/10/2025 16:57

CatamaranViper · 13/10/2025 15:19

Birthdays are displayed in the staff HR system which I and other managers have access to.

Presumably you're only technically authorised to use that information for official/work-related purposes, though?

However well-intentioned and likely very popular the communal cards and celebrations are, it could well still be technically considered an 'abuse' of personal data to access it and then spread it across the workplace, if somebody did complain.

Granted they were children in that case, but I was once tasked (in a volunteer role) with arranging attendance at an event for kids. The event took a wide range of ages, so they had different levels and groups for activities, and they asked for children's birth dates.

One set of parents (politely but firmly) declined to give them - would only give their ages - and said they never did as a personal policy unless it was anything strictly official, to protect them from any misuse; so I just put 1st January. It seemed a bit paranoid to me, but it obviously mattered a lot to them.

yonem · 13/10/2025 17:37

Ah yes if it is religious then I don’t think he will be able to accept an explicitly birthday themed voucher unfortunately. You might need to discuss what to do with it with whoever gave you the birthday duty.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 13/10/2025 17:43

If it's a religious reason, I wouldn't approach him and ask what he wants to do - the answer is nothing. Anything else will be awkward at best, offensive at worst.

Does it say Happy Birthday John or John Smith? Is there - grasping at straws! - another John you can keep it in stock for?

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 13/10/2025 17:45

In future could you just buy a stock of unpersonalised vouchers to use as needed, someone might leave (or get sacked!) and you'd be stuck in the same position.

MetalliCat89 · 13/10/2025 17:56

Ask him and say because it's happened this time you can always donate to a charity of his choosing next time?

SprayWhiteDung · 13/10/2025 18:59

It seems a bit unfair if it's basically a workplace bonus that everybody gets as standard, but he misses out purely because of the management decision (which would indeed make sense to and be welcomed by the vast majority of people) to give it on or around your birthday.

For future years, is it possible for you to 'allocate' his 'birthday' at the end of your company's financial year and then give him a same-value voucher as everybody else gets in plain decor/packaging that doesn't say anything about birthdays (something like a standard Amazon voucher) - and then just tell him it's a small annual bonus/gratuity that the company gives to every employee, which is essentially the truth?

CatamaranViper · 13/10/2025 19:34

SprayWhiteDung · 13/10/2025 16:57

Presumably you're only technically authorised to use that information for official/work-related purposes, though?

However well-intentioned and likely very popular the communal cards and celebrations are, it could well still be technically considered an 'abuse' of personal data to access it and then spread it across the workplace, if somebody did complain.

Granted they were children in that case, but I was once tasked (in a volunteer role) with arranging attendance at an event for kids. The event took a wide range of ages, so they had different levels and groups for activities, and they asked for children's birth dates.

One set of parents (politely but firmly) declined to give them - would only give their ages - and said they never did as a personal policy unless it was anything strictly official, to protect them from any misuse; so I just put 1st January. It seemed a bit paranoid to me, but it obviously mattered a lot to them.

I understand what you're trying to get at, but that isn't the situation here. And like I've said, I don't tell people when someone's birthday is, I pass a card at the start of the month of their birthday so they can chose to keep their birthday private if they wish.

OP posts:
CatamaranViper · 13/10/2025 19:41

Yeah it seems I got too carried away with the vouchers. Honestly they're a token gesture, it's definitely not something that can be passed off as a bonus or anything.
I'll just approach him and explain. I'll apologise for my ignorance and ask what he would prefer to do. It's my birthday next month so I'm happy to have a voucher with someone else's name on and I can maybe offer to donate something for him? I'll ask anyways and see what he'd prefer me to do and I'll make sure to make a note of this so it doesn't happen again!

OP posts:
SprayWhiteDung · 13/10/2025 23:08

CatamaranViper · 13/10/2025 19:34

I understand what you're trying to get at, but that isn't the situation here. And like I've said, I don't tell people when someone's birthday is, I pass a card at the start of the month of their birthday so they can chose to keep their birthday private if they wish.

Fair enough - although what do you do if it's somebody's birthday on the 1st or 2nd of the month, which leaves little time for the card to be passed around and could well fall on a weekend?!

I'm just thinking from a pov of somebody who may have a personal conviction/moral objection to celebrating birthdays at all.

Is it just his own birthday that he doesn't celebrate, or does he get put out by anybody 'publicly' celebrating their birthday? Is he happy to just pass cards straight on without comment or participation, or might he consider it deliberate workplace exclusion - even bullying - when everybody is encouraged to engage in a non-work-related activity that they know will exclude only him?

Yetmorewifework · 13/10/2025 23:25

Keep yourself right with this, get advice from HR about it. It's the sort of thing that could blow up into a right row.
At least with the way your work does birthdays, everyone is included. There have been probably a dozen big birthdays at our place this last year. I know this because the people have spoken about birthday celebrations or they've brought in cake etc. Only about 3 have had a collection or card sorted by their manager. It's left a sour taste with the others - not so much the people getting the card/voucher but with management for doing some but not others.

Thingyfanding1 · 13/10/2025 23:31

Just speak to them privately with the voucher (bin card) and explain what happened. Offer the voucher as it will be wasted otherwise.

SprayWhiteDung · 13/10/2025 23:42

Unfortunately, being asked to be the one who 'does the birthdays' in a workplace can often be a poisoned chalice, and the epitome of the phrase 'no good turn goes unpunished'.

At one place I worked, the staff birthday 'club' asked everybody who wanted to be in it to put in a fiver for each birthday, then they would effectively get back the equal value of all those fivers in one lump sum when it was their own birthday.

One year, somebody put in a fake fiver that looked fine at a glance but which was obviously fake when looking carefully at it for a few moments. I don't know if the contributor handed it over knowingly or not; but the kitty was obviously £5 short for the birthday recipient and nobody admitted it, so the man organising it - and who obviously didn't want to knowingly pass on a dodgy note or leave them inexplicably £5 short - saw no alternative but to put in an extra £5 of his own money.

Although it's a kind gesture of the employer to pay for it, it would actually be a lot simpler if it were funded by the staff themselves. That way, people are asked if they want to participate, they accept or decline, and everybody gets what they want.

Incidentally, does this man celebrate Christmas too? If not (as in he is actively against celebrating if he is a JW or something, rather than just of a different faith/mindset and sees it as irrelevant to him), this could be very difficult to navigate as well - although hopefully not your responsibility!