Tw would you say that a lot of people who take their own life didn’t mean to

[Level888]

Just cam to my mind as someone I know if recnely took their own life and when I spoke to someone about her. She said she believes it was misadventure and she just sadly wasn’t found in time,

I've been very close to suicide and what I would say is I went into a bit of a weird state of mind where I had a very strong urge to do it and luckily due to spiritual beliefs etc I 'wouldn't let myself ' but without those beliefs I probably would have.

Afterwards you can see that you were not in your right state of mind.

Whether that's the same as not meaning to do it, I don't know.

Maybe the individual was married, or had internalised shame. In 2025 a lot if the older generation do carry internalised shame still, its only a couple of decades ago that it was still shunned by society when these people were young.

A friend of mine worked in A&E when the legislation on the number of paracetamol you could buy at once came in. He was surprised by the decrease in overdoses that resulted - it really did make a difference. Which suggests that at least some of those who attempted to take their life were very disturbed in the moment, but didn't have a long term wish to die - after all, if wouldn't be difficult to buy a lethal quantity of paracetamol, but you'd have to plan it, visit several shops etc. On that basis, it would seem a fair proportion of those who attempt suicide don't actually want to die, or at least don't have a settled desire to do so.

Someone who really wants to kill themselves will not stop themselves because of spiritual beliefs. They aren’t thinking clearly, yes to have a strong urge you’re obviously not in the right state of mind but for someone to actually do it it’s far more than not the right state of mind.

Maybe sometimes but I think it’s not a good idea to delve that much into deaths by suicide.
It’s interesting though, my MH team yesterday were trying to do a safety plan and asked that I call Crisis team or duty if feeling suicidal. And I said to them, why would I do that? If I want to end my life, I wouldn’t want to be stopped.

I hope not. I have a friend who did and he was very, very unhappy for a long time. I fully believe he wanted to.

I also saw a man throwing himself in front of a train and he definitely must have wanted to die. Though he could've been suffering from acute psychosis. That can happen where someone throws themselves from height. But they don't realise what they're doing. Or are trying to escape some imagined threat.

It’s very dependent on what they do and where they are.
I think overdoses are sometimes misadventure and not intentional. Walking to a deserted wood to hang yourself or jumping in front of a train less so.

I think people try to tell themselves that people only suicide because they're temporarily out of their minds or do it by accident because they can't handle the thought of anyone doing it deliberately.

Ds2 has been suicidal for a while now and we're getting him help, but he definitely doesn't want to be here and remains alive under duress. I don't blame him as I know his life is going to be very difficult (autism) and he can't make friends.

I only know two people who took their own lives and I believe they meant to do it. One had a failed attempt before and I think he wanted to make sure when he did succeed. The other used a very deadly method, so his intent was clear.

My DH definitely intended to die by suicide - we found a number of different methods in the house that he had tried before he took a massive (at least 150 tablets) overdose of paracetamol mixed with alcohol.

He died slowly and painfully over several days but at no point reached out for any help.

It is actually some comfort that at least we are sure it wasn’t a ‘cry for help’ and unfortunately it was absolutely what he wanted.

Yes.

I have sadly lost 2 close friends to suicide. 10 years apart, neither of them knew each other.
One was high on drugs and fancied seeing what the "other side" was like. But I don't think he truly meant to actually kill himself.
The other was hit by a train and it was classed as suicide after the inquest. In this instance he was actually running across a field, clearly distressed at something. Tried to call his mum, she didn't answer. CCTV of the train shows him running and basically ending up running straight into the train track at the moment a train passed. I don't think he meant to do this.

It doesn't give me any comfort knowing they both died "because they chose to". The opposite really. The train friend I wish it had been classed as "Mis-adventure" or something, and the high friend I wish it was due to drugs. Not suicide.

A famous author who suffered from depression said that the only thing that gave her any comfort was meticulously planning her suicide, and that should her loved ones find her dead it would have been planned and not misadventure / a failed cry for help.

A friend committed suicide also left no possibility to be ‘found’ in time.

So I think some people just want what they see as the only way out and to not be stopped.

I think people do it because they aren't in a right state but that's not because I judge, I find it sad. I did read somewhere that its often impulsive and also that there's a huge survival instinct which means you instantly regret but it's too late.

I think this is looking at suicide through the lens of good mental health, where you make decisions for reasons and you care that you get the outcome you wanted.

Poor mental health often comes with detachment, indifferentlce and a feeling of not having much control anyway. A lot of people just want to pain to stop at that minute in time, they aren't really thinking beyond that and wouldn't feel strongly about whether they died or are found to limp on.

And you know this for sure how?

I find it quite insulting really that you think you know what was going through my mind more than I did myself, this is the perfect illustration of how stigmatized suicide is and if you didn't actually kill yourself you mustn't have really wanted to etc.

I had hoped for better attitudes on this thread and regret sharing from what was possibly the most vulnerable time of my life.

Someone who will kill themselves is usually totally out of their own mind or very mentally unwell, nothing else matters.

What's your expertise in this area @Coconutter24 ?

Language does matter though - why would you want to stigmatise suicide and poor mental health

It could be relevant in that she struggled with her sexuality in times when it was deemed unacceptable to be gay

At my son's inquest, my barrister looked shocked when I said something to him that revealed I would want there to be a verdict of suicide if the facts warranted such a verdict. He had taken it for granted that relatives would want to avoid that verdict.
I just wanted the facts to be investigated fully so that we could come to understand the truth, whatever that was.
His assumptions made me realise how active the stigma still is. This makes me think that suicide is possibly under-recorded.
I just don't understand the OP's generalisation. The only humane thing is to look at each individual case on its merits, to try to understand the person involved. Understanding is love.

And as for the objection to the phrase 'committed suicide' which I have seen trotted out so often on MN threads, that seems facile and pedantic. No one uses that phrase to draw attention to the former illegality of the act, no-one uses it to imply a judgement that the act is wrongful. I agree with previous posters who point out that the phrase suggests intentionality and agency, or in fact that it means nothing at all.
I quite often hear people gratuitously pointing out that suicide is not wrongful. To me, it is so evidently not wrongful that their need to point this out just implies that they are fighting against their own hostile judgement of the act.

When I mentioned to a trainee vicar that my son had killed himself, he went into a weird monologue about how suicide wasn't cowardice, and all I wanted to say was 'Fuck off you twat, of course it isn't. why would you even need to say that??'

I listened to a therapist podcast who spoke to and worked with experts on suicidality. They said that that the guilt and shame of committing suicide was a big reason stopping them from doing it so continuing to use the word ' committed' with all its connotations of a crime, is the best way to describe it so I choose to use that word.

** and wrongness

This resonates with me , two days ago I felt like it was the end , a kind person got me to A&E a place of safety you'd think , but after several people talking at me it was deemed that I was taking two chairs up in the waiting room (Dh had arrived ) and these chairs are for the physically ill only , although they have posters all around stating a mental health emergency is no different than a broken limb. I have felt suicidal for weeks , I will never bother A&E or 111 option 2 again (he told me to get dressed for work and pull myself together !) I'm still here today , every minute is one minute more I'm living.

I read a very moving piece by a man whose child took their own life. It was a journalist I think.

Anyway, in the piece he said that research shows that most people who take their own life decide to do it only moments before. That is why there is often no warning. Very few people mull over it for a while. It is a split second decision most of the time.

So sorry, hope you are ok