Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Should we be encouraging (forcing) possibly autistic son to leave the house for family fun?

58 replies

PotatoesLogsEggs · 05/10/2025 10:29

Son is 6 and on the waiting list for an autism assessment. We like to do things on a weekend, DH WFH and has been cooped up inside all week. We also have a daughter who deserves trips out.

The problem is our son really protests to going out and he can find it tough. We only do family friendly things, today we’re going to a train museum. We’ve talked through it, done a visual timetable, packed him a bag of snacks, ear defenders, fidgets etc and he’s now on board with coming.

So our trouble is, he finds it tough, he’s telling us he finds it tough. Do we ‘give in’ and live the life of hermits or try build him up to doing gentle activities for the sake of family sanity?

OP posts:
Plugsocketrocket · 05/10/2025 10:34

I think you might have to meet in the middle somewhere. Our DS loves the outdoors for example, climbing, forest walks, swimming etc so we mainly stuck to activities that he could cope best with. You definitely have to try to push the comfort zones out, not so far out you get meltdowns but just gradually building up tolerance to new things over time.

Clingfilm · 05/10/2025 10:40

It's tricky isn't it. He's only 6 so I'd carry on as you are, meet in the middle, loads of prep, talking through it - first this, then that type talks.
Our child is 16 now so we give them autonomy, if they don't want to go, they don't but we know they've been exposed to plenty until now so it will hopefully set them up for handling uncomfortable situations going forward.

Original poster
PotatoesLogsEggs · 05/10/2025 10:51

Yes, we try to avoid the things that are really difficult for him like shops. We often do outdoor things, walks, forests etc. But he still resists going on these things. It’s like anything that involves leaving the house he puts up a barrier and says ‘no’.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

6 year olds Families SEN
Plugsocketrocket · 05/10/2025 10:53

PotatoesLogsEggs · 05/10/2025 10:51

Yes, we try to avoid the things that are really difficult for him like shops. We often do outdoor things, walks, forests etc. But he still resists going on these things. It’s like anything that involves leaving the house he puts up a barrier and says ‘no’.

Ah okay that sounds like a demand avoidant profile. How is he when you actually go out?

Original poster
PotatoesLogsEggs · 05/10/2025 11:02

When we’re out he generally starts OK. It depends on the activity. Outdoor things he’s fine throughout and we often say at the end ‘look how much fun we ended up having’.
Our trip out today will possibly end up going wrong. He will get less regulated over time, start making noises etc, become babyish.

I think he’s started to have the awareness that he finds certain things difficult and is now avoiding any trips out in case he doesn’t cope.

Sometimes it’s nice for our daughter to go to things like museums though. We did offer for him to stay with grandparents today instead of coming but he didn’t want to be left.

OP posts:
Plugsocketrocket · 05/10/2025 11:08

PotatoesLogsEggs · 05/10/2025 11:02

When we’re out he generally starts OK. It depends on the activity. Outdoor things he’s fine throughout and we often say at the end ‘look how much fun we ended up having’.
Our trip out today will possibly end up going wrong. He will get less regulated over time, start making noises etc, become babyish.

I think he’s started to have the awareness that he finds certain things difficult and is now avoiding any trips out in case he doesn’t cope.

Sometimes it’s nice for our daughter to go to things like museums though. We did offer for him to stay with grandparents today instead of coming but he didn’t want to be left.

That is very tricky but I do think you are getting the right balance there. I think maybe have a plan where one of you can taking him out if he starts getting dysregulated and get him a hot chocolate of something and then your daughter can be considered too. It is a tough tightrope especially when they are younger but we certainly found it improves with age.

veryworried1988 · 05/10/2025 11:09

We tended to stick to activities we knew it would be ok with, which was pretty much just swimming back then.

We also used to divide up, so one parent would do something with DD and the other would stay home with DS then we would switch. Back then, I was sad we couldn't do things as a family. But on reflection, it worked so well for DD because she had time away from DS, and has got a really strong bond with both of us. Even now, she goes bike riding, theme parks or the cinema with DH, and with me she does shopping, homework, etc.

Now they are older with leave DS at home alone!

AperolWhore · 05/10/2025 11:13

Of course it’s normal to “force him”. He can’t be a hermit his whole life and you are doing everything you can to enable him to cope on the trip. Unfortunately he will have to deal with these things his entire life so the sooner he can learn coping mechanisms the better.

That said, you can find some balance and let him hermit when possible. Does he ever get involved in planning the trips? That might help too.

NuffSaidSam · 05/10/2025 11:13

I think you need to meet in the middle.

The weekend has two days so it's easy enough to give him a full day at home, but also have a family day out. If he's at school all week (potentially struggling and masking) I don't think it's unreasonable that he wants a day off at the weekend to just be in his comfortable space.

But obviously you do want to also go out as a family. I would do an activity that he can cope with e.g. something outside on one day and then the other day one of you can take your DD to a museum/something he won't cope with while the other stays at home with him. Alternatively, I would look to cultivate a relationship with a babysitter who can be a person of comfort for him and can be called on to facilitate him staying at home while the rest of you go out.

ThisShyCat · 05/10/2025 11:35

I am assuming that your child us at school 5 days a week so he probably needs and certainty deserved some down time at home. I would be aiming to ket him have ine day a week closevto home. I note on the OP you state that the DH WFH and has been cooped up all week but that's his decision. Most people who work from home could work at least part of the time in an office so I think its very unfair to force your son to go out every weekend because the DH cant be bothered to get a way to interact with the world during the week.

Sirzy · 05/10/2025 11:37

Could you be over preparing him so adding to the anxiety? It’s a fine balance I know.

some days could one of you take your daughter out so he can have time doing things with the other parent at home? A divide and conquer approach?

Yes he needs to go but it doesn’t need to be every weekend if he needs time to decompress.

ThisShyCat · 05/10/2025 11:40

PotatoesLogsEggs · 05/10/2025 10:29

Son is 6 and on the waiting list for an autism assessment. We like to do things on a weekend, DH WFH and has been cooped up inside all week. We also have a daughter who deserves trips out.

The problem is our son really protests to going out and he can find it tough. We only do family friendly things, today we’re going to a train museum. We’ve talked through it, done a visual timetable, packed him a bag of snacks, ear defenders, fidgets etc and he’s now on board with coming.

So our trouble is, he finds it tough, he’s telling us he finds it tough. Do we ‘give in’ and live the life of hermits or try build him up to doing gentle activities for the sake of family sanity?

Your son is not living the life of a hermit if he is at school 5 days a week. Surely you can see there is a middle way. It sounds to me that the DH is the hermit. Presumably he chooses to WFH. Why can't the DH do some things with the other child. Why does it have to be 'Everyone goes out or no one goes out?'

Original poster
PotatoesLogsEggs · 05/10/2025 15:27

Well, DH WFH allows him to do the school drop offs and certain pick ups to save them having to go to wrap around care which would probably be even harder on my son.
And his team are pretty much exclusively WFH so he could technically go into an office but would be sitting alone ….

OP posts:
FuzzyWolf · 05/10/2025 15:31

It’s not giving in as you put it but adapting to the needs of a disabled child. If your DH’s needs are such that he needs to get out of the house and your DD deserves this time, then the two of them can go together and every so often your DH can just accept he doesn’t come first and you will alternate to do something with your DD.

Would you insist on going for lengthy walks every weekend with a child who didn’t have any legs and say you were giving in to not force this?

Original poster
PotatoesLogsEggs · 05/10/2025 15:33

Sirzy · 05/10/2025 11:37

Could you be over preparing him so adding to the anxiety? It’s a fine balance I know.

some days could one of you take your daughter out so he can have time doing things with the other parent at home? A divide and conquer approach?

Yes he needs to go but it doesn’t need to be every weekend if he needs time to decompress.

I think the extra prep helps, I only do it when he resists and it’s that or abandon the plans.

We do sometimes divide and conquer which can work but our son also doesn’t like the others having a fun day out without him. So to him it does need to be everyone or no one.

He had the option of not coming today, he could have gone to Grandparents who he has a great relationship with but he didn’t want to miss out, but nor did he want to come!

OP posts:
GagMeWithASpoon · 05/10/2025 15:41

Best thing to do is to mix it up . Some chill weekends at home, some weekends with activities he enjoys, some weekends family weekends , or divide and conquer one of you takes DD out somewhere, one takes DS someplace else (or stays home). Maybe you can meet later for lunch or to feed the ducks or whatever your DS would enjoy for a short amount of time. Preferably, one day each weekend he could just be at home and chill.

Be prepared for it to go wrong no matter what. As much as possible , try to spot the signs before he goes in full meltdown and take him away in a calm space to allow him to regulate/distract him.

ViciousCurrentBun · 05/10/2025 15:42

It’s very difficult, two lots of friends have had children diagnosed with ASD. Those kids are all now late teens, early twenties.

One didn’t push at all and the other did with some limitations, they didn’t just force them and were considerate but did stretch those kids comfort zones. The one whose Mother did every single thing for him and never pushed now has an adult that the last that I knew of them didn’t leave the house at all and was unemployed, he was also hoarding stuff in his room to a level that she admitted was not hygienic.

NellieElephantine · 05/10/2025 15:47

PotatoesLogsEggs · 05/10/2025 15:33

I think the extra prep helps, I only do it when he resists and it’s that or abandon the plans.

We do sometimes divide and conquer which can work but our son also doesn’t like the others having a fun day out without him. So to him it does need to be everyone or no one.

He had the option of not coming today, he could have gone to Grandparents who he has a great relationship with but he didn’t want to miss out, but nor did he want to come!

Show quote history

Is that what he says? to him it does need to be everyone or no one. that sounds unfair and controlling of everyone else.
Is he allowed this belief in other aspects of family life?

IsThisLifeNow · 05/10/2025 15:49

but he didn’t want to miss out, but nor did he want to come!

This phrase really resonated with me! My just turned 7 year old is very much like this. We highly suspect autism and/or ADHD, and iscery demand avoidant. So while I sympathise with you, I dont really have any advice. I do what you are doing, plan a trip out then a day at home and remind him how much fun he has on days out too

MollyButton · 05/10/2025 16:28

Okay - sorry but you need to try to totally change your thinking. When he seems “normal” he is almost certainly “masking”.
The babyish behaviour etc is probably his real self.
He is probably masking most of the week.

My suggestions are:
Divide and conquer - so your DH and DD got out at weekends
Yes encourage him to go out, but to things he can cope with, and let thin be himself, even if his behaviour is “odd” as long as no one is harmed or in danger.
Contact NAS and try to talk to other parents of autistic children will help you feel less isolated and hopefully get some new strategies.

FuzzyWolf · 05/10/2025 16:39

ViciousCurrentBun · 05/10/2025 15:42

It’s very difficult, two lots of friends have had children diagnosed with ASD. Those kids are all now late teens, early twenties.

One didn’t push at all and the other did with some limitations, they didn’t just force them and were considerate but did stretch those kids comfort zones. The one whose Mother did every single thing for him and never pushed now has an adult that the last that I knew of them didn’t leave the house at all and was unemployed, he was also hoarding stuff in his room to a level that she admitted was not hygienic.

Two children with autism will not be comparable. You wouldn’t say two people have cancer so their ability to do something and future prognosis is the same.

ViciousCurrentBun · 05/10/2025 16:44

@FuzzyWolf obviously but the one friend wouldn’t even let her then teen make a glass of squash for himself. He was not allowed to even attempt anything for himself.

Sirzy · 05/10/2025 16:49

ViciousCurrentBun · 05/10/2025 16:44

@FuzzyWolf obviously but the one friend wouldn’t even let her then teen make a glass of squash for himself. He was not allowed to even attempt anything for himself.

Wouldn’t let him or he couldn’t? Ds is 15 and I still need to supervise him making himself squash because no matter what I try he still gets confused doing it.

when you have met one person with autism you haven’t met one person with autism!

Sirzy · 05/10/2025 16:51

PotatoesLogsEggs · 05/10/2025 15:33

I think the extra prep helps, I only do it when he resists and it’s that or abandon the plans.

We do sometimes divide and conquer which can work but our son also doesn’t like the others having a fun day out without him. So to him it does need to be everyone or no one.

He had the option of not coming today, he could have gone to Grandparents who he has a great relationship with but he didn’t want to miss out, but nor did he want to come!

Show quote history

Going to grandparents still involves going out though so it’s not necessarily going to be the answer if he is trying to communicate that he needs down time.

Others going out is a non negotiable but I think a plan for one parent to stay is better than making him go out just somewhere différent.

User28425 · 05/10/2025 17:05

It depends on how he is when out imo. Some autistic kids have a big issue with transitions and fear of the unknown and will protest to going out and it will be an ordeal BUT then they have a good time. In this situation, I would persevere. However, if they are prone to panic attacks and meltdowns a lot when out due to fear of crowds and noise etc then I would choose trips carefully and get them used to a babysitter that means you can still take your other child out.