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Original poster

What would you do in this Christmas scenario?

38 replies

WearyCat · 04/10/2025 22:10

MiL lives alone; this year has said she wants to stay in her house until she actually can’t live there any more. She’s 5 hours away. DP is an only child. Her house is exactly as she wants it; quite cluttered (the kitchen table is unusable as a table because she keeps lists and paperwork on it) and very much hers. Which is fine. I feel unrelaxed there because, well, it’s her house. She lives in a very particular way and I like to relax at Christmas not be on my best behaviour.

We have usually spent Christmas with her. Either at ours, or we rent somewhere if my dc is with us because her house and our house are too small to host four adults and three dogs at Christmas.

This year she isn’t up to either the drive down to us or the stairs in our place. DP hates the thought of spending Christmas at her house (they’ve a complicated relationship and his childhood wasn’t the sort to produce fond memories). I leave his relationship with his mum to him, so I have said I’ll be led by him. She told him recently that she’d spend the day alone and he could visit her afterwards, but he thinks that if he lets that happen she’ll be crushed.

(Last year we’d booked a cottage nearish to her but she didn’t come- last minute said she was too ill to come. She managed to visit friends a long way away soon after; maybe she hates Christmas with me and my dc? Anyway. She was alone and told DP it was fine. Similar during lockdown Christmas. My favourite Christmas with him has been the one we spent alone, but I’ve enjoyed the others too, with her.)

I have suggested we go to hers Christmas Eve and come home on Boxing Day, and that I cook when we’re there so she can rest. He doesn’t want to go at all but also doesn’t want to feel guilty or his mum to be unhappy.

Can you suggest any other iteration that I’ve not thought of? I just feel it’ll be difficult with either DP miserable and hiding it, or guilty, and me either not being comfortable to relax, or also feeling guilty.

OP posts:
Maraudingmarauders · 04/10/2025 22:17

If she’s done Xmas alone before and survived it, I’d say do Xmas at home as a nuclear family and enjoy it then book a place near hers for a few days holiday - you can pop in and out but don’t have to live in her lap so it’s still a bit of a holiday but she feels like you’ve made the effort.

Barney16 · 04/10/2025 22:18

I would hire the cottage and pick her up from her house, drive her to the cottage, Xmas dinner then drive her back. Or would she go for a Christmas lunch out? Maybe somewhere close to her house and cottage?

ThreePears · 04/10/2025 22:22

If she is happy spending Christmas Day on her own and has said so, then leave her to it. She sounds like one of those people who doesn't like the hustle and bustle of big celebrations anyway, and might find them quite stressful.

Interested in this thread?

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Robertplantgoddess · 04/10/2025 22:25

Agree with others. Have your Christmas and maybe visit her between xmas and new year

Danioyellow · 04/10/2025 22:34

So she doesn’t want to spend Xmas with you. Your oh doesn’t want to spend Xmas at hers, she’s said she’s fine alone. You’re the only one pushing this?

TomatoSandwiches · 04/10/2025 22:38

She wants to be left alone, she actually likes that so please, stop faffing around and leave her be.

GreenCandleWax · 04/10/2025 22:43

Ask her if she wants the cottage idea this year. It all seems to be second guessing at the moment, so I would ask a clear question about what she would like, as you seem happy to comply.

User5306921 · 04/10/2025 22:46

Rent an Air Bnb for a couple of days before Xmas and visit her during the day or evening for a few hours. Bring her some Christmas food that she can, depending on her mood, cook/reheat or throw out. Then go home and enjoy Christmas in your own house.

FetchezLaVache · 04/10/2025 22:53

Why on earth would you drive 5 hours to cook Christmas dinner for the three of you in a cluttered house where you don't feel comfortable, for the benefit of someone who clearly isn't interested in spending Christmas with you and was not, from the sound of it, the best mother to your DP?

ThreePears · 04/10/2025 22:56

User5306921 · 04/10/2025 22:46

Rent an Air Bnb for a couple of days before Xmas and visit her during the day or evening for a few hours. Bring her some Christmas food that she can, depending on her mood, cook/reheat or throw out. Then go home and enjoy Christmas in your own house.

The couple of days before Christmas aren't the greatest timing-wise to spend days away from home when you have kids and need to do all the final bits of shopping, wrapping and getting all the food etc. I'm wondering whether a couple of days in between Christmas and New Year might be better for a visit to her instead. The Saturday/Sunday afterwards maybe.

User5306921 · 04/10/2025 23:00

ThreePears · 04/10/2025 22:56

The couple of days before Christmas aren't the greatest timing-wise to spend days away from home when you have kids and need to do all the final bits of shopping, wrapping and getting all the food etc. I'm wondering whether a couple of days in between Christmas and New Year might be better for a visit to her instead. The Saturday/Sunday afterwards maybe.

Show quote history

Yes thats true. Somehow I got the impression that the OP's kids were older.

We visit between Xmas and New Year but it hangs over us until we've done it.

HeddaGarbled · 04/10/2025 23:50

We’ve had a similar situation with my mum when she was too disabled to be anywhere except her own home, but that wasn’t somewhere where we would want to sleep nor cook.

For a few years, we would visit her Christmas Day, daytime only and I would take buffet type foods. That was enough of a treat for her as she had a small appetite anyway. Then we’d have a nice meal in the evening at our own home and the full Christmas dinner on Boxing Day.

That was easier for us as we were only just over an hour away, but maybe you could do similar but using your self-catering accommodation.

tragichero · 04/10/2025 23:59

As others have said, have Christmas itself just the two of you but go up and book a couple of nights in a hotel or cottage near her on Boxing Day or the day after, and go over for a lunch with her on another day. You can still have a type of "Christmas" with her with a roast and presents - just on a different day.

(I usually end up having two or more Christmases because of various people needing to be in two places at once. It can be just as nice to celebrate even if it's not on the day itself. It's just a date at the end of the day).

To be fair it's nice you are worrying about her so much, even tho it does sound like she isn't the easiest..... So many people can be a little selfish/intolerant towards elderly relatives who can have difficult ways (and of course I do know some elderly people are, like anyone else, just awful and therefore people need to stay away from them for their own mental health- but it doesn't sound like MIL is quite in that league?) , so it's lovely you are considering her feelings like this.

Maddy70 · 05/10/2025 00:27

You don't leave a mum on their own Christmas day

Bjorkdidit · 05/10/2025 05:40

Maddy70 · 05/10/2025 00:27

You don't leave a mum on their own Christmas day

Why not. She says she's fine and she could well be. I can't believe people are suggesting imposing Christmas on someone who's said she doesn't want it but has said they can visit afterwards. So why don't they do that? They could still do video calls on the day itself.

Original poster
WearyCat · 05/10/2025 08:12

I thought of us staying up there in a cottage- but just 3 nights would be well over £300 (I had a look yesterday) and we just don’t have that spare at the moment. We have a tent, but Christmas camping is possibly more hardcore than I’m prepared to go…

We haven’t suggested a cottage with her this year because my dc is going to be at dad’s and so either her place or ours would fit us all in. (Neither of us have a third bedroom, or a living room that anyone could sleep in.)

OP posts:
Linenpickle · 05/10/2025 08:15

Let your husband sort it if you’re not fussed, but don’t push him to do something he doesn’t want to.

Original poster
WearyCat · 05/10/2025 08:20

I’m not pushing. But I’m a planner and I like to know what/where/who, otherwise the possibilities keep on going round in my mind until I pin one down.

As I said, I’ve never tried to get involved in his relationship with his mum, but if I could come up with a better scenario than the two I mentioned, then I would like to. I also don’t know if she’s just saying that about being happy alone or if it’s true. He suspects she’s not telling the truth and would be very hurt if he takes her at her word.

OP posts:
Dozer · 05/10/2025 08:29

You say he had an unhappy childhood. He seems stuck in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) about her. He might benefit from some of the resources on the Stately Homes threads on MN.

You seem flexible, thoughtful and patient but by things like putting what MIL might or might not want before your own wishes and trying to find workarounds you too are affected by the FOG

As your (sounds like adult) DC will be with their father I’d suggest you and DP have Christmas as a couple at your home and visit MIL afterwards.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 05/10/2025 08:36

@WearyCat your priority should be your dh not his mother, whom he doesnt have a relationship with anyway. stay out of it and just go with what your dh wants. stop pandering to her!!

Zempy · 05/10/2025 08:47

I’m feeling sorry for MIL. She’s explained she doesn’t want to spend Christmas Day with you, but she’s not being heard.

Leave the poor woman alone!!!

Original poster
WearyCat · 05/10/2025 08:47

Thank you. I’m a bit wary of the stately homes thread- I have heard of them and feel I could benefit too but the length and history puts me off!

i don’t think I’m pandering, but maybe I am. I also grew up with plenty of guilt so it’s difficult to shake that off. I’ll leave the decision to him.

OP posts:
PersistentRain · 05/10/2025 08:49

I’d stop pushing. My MIL hated Christmas Day, I know this from years of spending it with her and her trying her best to spoil it. She didn’t even like Christmas dinner.
We did try and accommodate her every year, especially under pressure from BIL. However she was alone one year in own home, and she was absolutely fine. BIL visited her on CE. I suspect she preferred it but could never say.

Dozer · 05/10/2025 08:50

There are pinned posts with good resources (free). I don’t know what ‘history’ you speak of but the posters seem supportive etc.

Original poster
WearyCat · 05/10/2025 08:52

Part of me thinks she may prefer it. She’s happy as a clam living alone, but she would like him to live nearer to her now she’s getting older. Given the choice I’d like us to stay here and just spend the day together, quietly, so I won’t be prodding for us to go there if it doesn’t seem like she’s that keen.

OP posts: