What would you do in this Christmas scenario?

[WearyCat]

MiL lives alone; this year has said she wants to stay in her house until she actually can’t live there any more. She’s 5 hours away. DP is an only child. Her house is exactly as she wants it; quite cluttered (the kitchen table is unusable as a table because she keeps lists and paperwork on it) and very much hers. Which is fine. I feel unrelaxed there because, well, it’s her house. She lives in a very particular way and I like to relax at Christmas not be on my best behaviour.

We have usually spent Christmas with her. Either at ours, or we rent somewhere if my dc is with us because her house and our house are too small to host four adults and three dogs at Christmas.

This year she isn’t up to either the drive down to us or the stairs in our place. DP hates the thought of spending Christmas at her house (they’ve a complicated relationship and his childhood wasn’t the sort to produce fond memories). I leave his relationship with his mum to him, so I have said I’ll be led by him. She told him recently that she’d spend the day alone and he could visit her afterwards, but he thinks that if he lets that happen she’ll be crushed.

(Last year we’d booked a cottage nearish to her but she didn’t come- last minute said she was too ill to come. She managed to visit friends a long way away soon after; maybe she hates Christmas with me and my dc? Anyway. She was alone and told DP it was fine. Similar during lockdown Christmas. My favourite Christmas with him has been the one we spent alone, but I’ve enjoyed the others too, with her.)

I have suggested we go to hers Christmas Eve and come home on Boxing Day, and that I cook when we’re there so she can rest. He doesn’t want to go at all but also doesn’t want to feel guilty or his mum to be unhappy.

Can you suggest any other iteration that I’ve not thought of? I just feel it’ll be difficult with either DP miserable and hiding it, or guilty, and me either not being comfortable to relax, or also feeling guilty.

What age is she @WearyCat ? She may genuinely want to spend Christmas quietly on her own now she is older. I know people in their 80's who have started to feel like this.

@Silvers11 83. You may be right, she’s never been overly sociable so maybe a quiet day on her own, going to church, is what she wants to do.

@WearyCat it took me a long time to accept that my late ex-MIL genuinely preferred to stay at home on her own for Christmas so she could watch whatever she wanted on the telly, fall asleep if she wanted to, be brought round a plate of Christmas dinner by her lovely neighbours and not have to make the effort to be sociable.

Do you (or your DH) have a suspicion that she's doing the 'oh, just leave me on my own, I'll be all right' in a martyrish way - ie, in the hopes that you will go there and pull out the stops for her? Or do you believe that she will be perfectly all right on her own and, in fact, will prefer it?

Because if it's the former, then she probably should be taken at her word to stop her pulling that stunt, and if it's the latter, then she doesn't want you there anyway. Either way, you have Christmas at home. You can go and visit after the event and take her some nice post- Christmas nibbles, which might be better suited to her than an all-out Christmas.

I would leave her alone.

I have made it abundantly clear to my DC that if I'm ever old and widowed they are not to tie themselves in knots about me over Christmas. I would much prefer to be alone and hibernate until it is all over. Your MIL probably feels the same.

You said you’d be led by him and his wishes and now you’re doing everything to sabotage that. I’d be pretty annoyed if I said I didn’t really want to dance around and see my mum at Christmas (I don’t) and Dh tried to guilt me into doing it. She can’t and won’t host. She won’t come to you. She likely won’t come to a holiday cottage near her. Follow your dp’s lead. Let him choose the relationship he wants with his mum and trust him that it’s right for him.

She's told you she's happy alone and your DH is happy not seeing her, so why force it? Just let her be.

Why not if the mum is happy to be on her own?

I overheard two older ladies in the garden centre yesterday talking about their weekend - one of them had had a visit from her son and his family, "and then he said we'll be back for Christmas and I was thinking 'but I never asked you to be, did I'" and they were saying they were fed up of doing it all. Now it doesn't sound like your MIL would be doing any of it, not even clearing her kitchen table - she sounds perfectly happy in her own way. She didn't even want to come to the cottage last year, take the hint and go see her for a meal before or after and just leave her to do her thing on the day.

Exactly. Look at all the mums on here who dream of a peaceful day doing exactly what they want with no pressure to host, prep the house, cook food for other people when they'd be happy with a tray of M&S nibbles and a bottle of champagne, exchange crap that no-one really wants and deal with the mess while everyone else falls asleep in front of the King's speech.

I always think listen to what people say, with their words.

She’s said she’s fine alone.

Then look at her actions - made excuses to avoid being together on Christmas.

Don’t know her so no idea why this is (you sound very sweet and thoughtful). Maybe she just wants peace and quiet, drink a sherry and watch the King. Who knows.

Either way she’s been clear in her words and actions. You should have whatever christmas you want - either in your own home or if booking a cottage by her is what you want, then do that.

Suggesting you cook at hers by the way - also super sweet - but someone in my kitchen would really stress me out! So I can see why she wouldn’t jump at this.

Do what you want to do and let her know there an open invitation.

Update
So DH inquired further last month, and we ended up coming to stay on Wednesday as she admitted to him that she didn’t want to spend the day alone. We brought all the food, I have cooked and she’s washed up. (DH has had special Son/Man About the House Jobs which MiL likes to save up for him.) We’re going home tomorrow.

It’s been exhausting for me- I feel in a bit of a no-man’s-land between hosting and being a guest, with all the disadvantages of both and none of the advantages of either!

However, she’s been quite happy, and DH and I have taken all the dogs out to some lovely local spots and so we’ve all had a bit of down time as well as chatting.

I don’t know if I ever want to do it quite like this again, but I am glad we did it this year.