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Original poster

SIL - FIL (TW)

36 replies

NameChange1212 · 30/09/2025 17:54

Difficult situation I cannot talk about IRL. I tried to talk to DH, but he is like a bad tempered ostrich. This is going to be difficult in the future.

SIL never left home, has MH issues diagnosed. Always very shielded at home. Worked, but everything else done by PIL. Really difficult around other people (work does not really involve contact with people). Has been awful since DC arrived. Also very difficult with other nieces and nephews, so it isn’t just us. I tried hard, but she is manipulative, can’t stand any change, divisive and undermines anything she can. Huge rages if anything isn’t as she imagines it and PIL seemed scared of any possible responses. Scares DC and doesn’t like children, but also wants to be close to them. Has put DC in danger and I drew a line there - minimal contact and only when I am there, even though they live nearby. They never made any real effort with DC or had much contact even before it escalated - seemed to be controlling behavior from SIL and not wanting children in the house.

She is a bit weird to DH, trying to sideline me and almost act like a wife/girlfriend. He doesn’t reciprocate obviously but is a wet lettuce who doesn’t stand up for me and DC. I have a DH problem.

MIL died this year and now SIL (40s) is extremely controlling of FIL but also sharing a bed with him and is weirdly close when with him. Nothing further would be going on, but it is another lurch away from independence and anything close to normality.

I completely had enough a long time ago, so my judgement is probably not coming across as kind. How weird is this situation? What on earth is going to happen when FIL dies?

Edited for grammar.

OP posts:
Rooit · 30/09/2025 17:56

this is ALL on your wet ostrich of a DH to address Op

in the meantime… “minimal contact”?? wtf, it should be NO contact with your children fgs

Rooit · 30/09/2025 17:56

you can’t stand your dh quite clearly so focus on that fact rather than your weird and sinister in-laws

Original poster
NameChange1212 · 30/09/2025 17:58

@Rooit It is extremely minimal. My fear is if I go no contact my husband will let them have contact with DC. We are very close to divorce and his family and the way he handles the situation is the biggest factor, among multiple issues. If he got partial custody he could visit them with DC. The fear of that keeps me trapped in an unhappy marriage.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

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Families
Rooit · 30/09/2025 18:00

Woah…. This is all about a shit marriage OP.

Literally forget your FIL and SIL

Original poster
NameChange1212 · 30/09/2025 19:38

I know @Rooit It is easy to focus on the damage from SIL. It would be so easy if I was married to someone I trusted not to behave like a complete pr*ck if we separated. SIL would probably try to move in with him and I just cannot leave DC to the damage from their insane behavior. Other in-laws are okay.

You are right though I do need to mostly forget them, or at least not dwell on them. Will hold a firm boundary around DC though.

OP posts:
Freshfacet · 01/10/2025 06:05

Ok so it’s been established the issue is a very poor marriage.

So don’t waste a nano second of energy on your in laws then? Let them fester. You have much bigger fish to fry

autienotnaughty · 01/10/2025 06:16

How old are your kids?

Original poster
NameChange1212 · 01/10/2025 07:11

@autienotnaughty Primary, so much too young to deal with the situation if SIL is in a rage and useless husband is pretending everything if lovely. I also do not want them subjected to emotional manipulation.

OP posts:
ComfortFoodCafe · 01/10/2025 07:16

I suspect when fil dies she will latch onto your dh, you need to nip this in the bud before shes kicking you out of your bed to get into bed with your dh.

Freshfacet · 01/10/2025 07:42

How would you write notes? Post feed…, burping, nappy changes etc

You will be up and down like a jack in the box

Freshfacet · 01/10/2025 08:01

Wrong thread

Freshfacet · 01/10/2025 08:02

Has put DC in danger

how?

Original poster
NameChange1212 · 01/10/2025 09:53

Freshfacet · 01/10/2025 08:02

Has put DC in danger

how?

Removing a stair gate after we had put them to bed (she knew getting up was an issue), a bowl of peanuts repeatedly put back on a coffee table when we moved them out of reach of a toddler and said why, giving one a food they have a diagnosed intolerance (not allergy) to, etc. We got a cat and the next time they visited she brought lillies - we had previously said we removed the lillies we had growing in the garden because they are so toxic to cats.

It isn’t like having a caring adult around and makes me very nervous.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChange1212 · 01/10/2025 09:57

ComfortFoodCafe · 01/10/2025 07:16

I suspect when fil dies she will latch onto your dh, you need to nip this in the bud before shes kicking you out of your bed to get into bed with your dh.

Probably. She has been encouraging DH (useless husband) to take a holiday alone. If he does I bet she joins him. I almost hope they do as she will drive him insane after a day or so.

Edit: I just can’t see how to put a stop to It (not the holiday, the situation in general). If I refuse to go the risk is DH takes DC without me. If I divorce DH he may get partial custody and then DC are exposed to this and other insanity without protection.

OP posts:
BernadetteJune · 01/10/2025 13:33

SIL clearly has MH issues - what sort of help is she getting from GP? Community MH Nurse? You are right to keep close eye on DC when SIL is around. Have some sympathy for SIL's family - it is a frustrating situation for them as MH is very difficult to understand - FIL is probably just as worried about what will happen in the future. Your marriage is between you and DH and it comes down to whether you want to work it out or not.

Freshfacet · 01/10/2025 14:56

NameChange1212 · 01/10/2025 09:57

Probably. She has been encouraging DH (useless husband) to take a holiday alone. If he does I bet she joins him. I almost hope they do as she will drive him insane after a day or so.

Edit: I just can’t see how to put a stop to It (not the holiday, the situation in general). If I refuse to go the risk is DH takes DC without me. If I divorce DH he may get partial custody and then DC are exposed to this and other insanity without protection.

Edited
Show quote history

In that are you neee to wait for them to be a little older so you aren’t so worried about the “risks”

in the meantime, don’t spend a nano second navel gazing about your weird in-laws.

Freshfacet · 01/10/2025 14:56

And use the time to research good family lawyers for the divorce op.

your husband? Wouldn’t be surprised if he ends up with this sister

Original poster
NameChange1212 · 01/10/2025 16:34

When they were young I was worried about physical risks @Freshfacet Now I am worried about emotional manipulation. If we do divorce it is. Dry unlikely DC will want to go with DH. I would want to wait until they are older so they can have a say and if there is shared custody they are at less risk from the in-laws. Not a nice way to live.

OP posts:
Fundedpls · 01/10/2025 16:39

How old are your kids op?

Original poster
NameChange1212 · 01/10/2025 16:55

@BernadetteJune I do have a lot of sympathy and have tried to get DH to support SIL in seeking some care/support/help. I reread my original post and I just focused on my concerns around DC and the situation, so it comes off as harsh. It is frustrating DH has stuck his head in the sand.

No support for SIL so far, though it has been an issue for decades, just shielding by PIL. It seems they do anything to avoid explosions so SIL‘s behavior just gets more and more extreme and difficult. Ultimately it is harming her the most. I don’t know whether she would ever be able to be independent now, but guess it is unlikely. A decade ago I thought PIL were kind and supportive of SIL. Now it looks like something closer to abuse.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChange1212 · 01/10/2025 19:28

@Fundedpls late primary

OP posts:
Aquickturn81 · 02/10/2025 06:14

oh ok…. I’d begin divorce proceedings then. You gave the impression that your children were utterly vulnerable to your deranged SIL.

So they’d be 11/12/13 by the time divorce finalised. If you’re right and they don’t want to be with their dad or visit their aunt..,, they can just refuse and no court in the land would force them to be manhandled to go visit their aunt!!

Aquickturn81 · 02/10/2025 06:17

No support for SIL so far, though it has been an issue for decades, just shielding by PIL. It seems they do anything to avoid explosions so SIL‘s behavior just gets more and more extreme and difficult. Ultimately it is harming her the most. I don’t know whether she would ever be able to be independent now, but guess it is unlikely. A decade ago I thought PIL were kind and supportive of SIL. Now it looks like something closer to abuse.

and yet despite advice to stop focussing in on your in-laws and start focusing on the pretty dire marriage of your own.., you still seem very focussed on thinking about and analysing your Inlaws! You have more pressing issues to address - namely fact you can’t seem to stand your own husband!

Original poster
NameChange1212 · 02/10/2025 07:06

@Aquickturn81 I was answering a question about the situation. Going forward IRL I intend to disengage from the situation, apart from where it impacts DC.

OP posts:
Tamfs · 02/10/2025 07:11

All the time you are in this family you are already exposing your DC to it. I totally understand why you wouldn't want to leave when they were young out of fear they would be in danger, but they are older now. So come on now, you just don't want to leave your DH for whatever reason. Which is your call. But fuck me that's a batshit family.