SIL - FIL (TW)

[NameChange1212]

Difficult situation I cannot talk about IRL. I tried to talk to DH, but he is like a bad tempered ostrich. This is going to be difficult in the future.

SIL never left home, has MH issues diagnosed. Always very shielded at home. Worked, but everything else done by PIL. Really difficult around other people (work does not really involve contact with people). Has been awful since DC arrived. Also very difficult with other nieces and nephews, so it isn’t just us. I tried hard, but she is manipulative, can’t stand any change, divisive and undermines anything she can. Huge rages if anything isn’t as she imagines it and PIL seemed scared of any possible responses. Scares DC and doesn’t like children, but also wants to be close to them. Has put DC in danger and I drew a line there - minimal contact and only when I am there, even though they live nearby. They never made any real effort with DC or had much contact even before it escalated - seemed to be controlling behavior from SIL and not wanting children in the house.

She is a bit weird to DH, trying to sideline me and almost act like a wife/girlfriend. He doesn’t reciprocate obviously but is a wet lettuce who doesn’t stand up for me and DC. I have a DH problem.

MIL died this year and now SIL (40s) is extremely controlling of FIL but also sharing a bed with him and is weirdly close when with him. Nothing further would be going on, but it is another lurch away from independence and anything close to normality.

I completely had enough a long time ago, so my judgement is probably not coming across as kind. How weird is this situation? What on earth is going to happen when FIL dies?

Edited for grammar.

Disengage. Don’t waste any time thinking about them. And deal with what happens when your father in law dies as and when. That could be another 10 years from now and your children will be teens.

Exactly

I really do want to leave and started the process. I am outside the UK so cannot just leave my husband and go home even if DC would be happy as The Hague Convention would almost classify it as kidnapping. So I would be stuck in a custody battle in a foreign country with someone who is emotionally and financially abusive, who will put on a charming act and then flip in private. Backed up by a family which is far from sane and predictable, who do not seem to bother about caring for the children in it.

Before I found myself in this situation I always thought the answer was to leave. But having seen emotional manipulation play out the thought of shared custody is terrifying.

That is all fair enough, the additional detail makes it much clearer why this is such a difficult situation for you. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Yes, it is a beyond weird situation.

If you don't see DH as being on your side, and you want to stick it out until the DC are grown, then you start prioritising you. You do things that make you happy as much as possible. You get yourself and DC out and about as much as possible. You let your DH deal with his family as much as possible. And you hope FIL has another ten years in him for distracting your SIL.

OP you are not alone. I have a bat shit SIL too. Single, mental health issues, relies on PIL who seem to facilitate her behaviour.
My children are older..... older teens. They never saw her without me and now they have decided they don't want to see her again and I respect that.
She has never endangered them but was always having a dig at them and us. Being verbally nasty to them when they were little.
What happened when PIL dies, who knows. I've cut my cloth with her. She is DHs relative he can sort that problem out.

Do you also have a wet lettuce of a dh who you despise?

So sorry @Justwingingit2005 It is difficult to comprehend why and how an older relative can behave to younger children in that way.

Thank you for the message. It can feel a very lonely place. It is difficult to talk about IRL as the situation is so bizarre and unpleasant it is difficult to describe. Ideally I would have nothing to do with them anymore, but with young DC am stuck.

Thank you @Tamfs That is how I am trying to go on with life and luckily I have support from my own family.

It can still be difficult with flare-ups from my husband and some horrible malicious interference from SIL.

Thank you again. I had a very rough time with them all recently and should not have let it get to me as much as it did. I really appreciate being able to talk it through anonymously.

Keep talking as much as helps!

what a fucking dreadful situation to be stuck in!

what country are you in? How long have you been there?

have you looked into what you need to do to bring your kids to the UK to live legally? I presume the easiest way is to get DH's permission, but is there another way? What would happen if you all came here on holiday but you & the kids just didn't go back? Sorry if this isn't helpful, but I hope there's some way you could do it.

Thank you @ChickpeaCauliflowerSalad it really does help to talk about it anonymously. For sure it saves the pattern of being provoked and then my husband flying into a rage if I try to bring it up.

Going back to the UK is really difficult without the father‘s permission. Under The Hague Convention running (with good reason) or staying after a holiday (for safety) would almost be comparable with kidnap. The applicable part is aimed at stopping child abduction, but also acts as a trap when there is an abusive, controlling father. Going through a court process in a foreign country is daunting and I just can’t risk shared custody. Even if it was only partial I could be stuck here and struggle to leave at all.

Thanks to the thread I have really tried to not give the situation regarding SIL headspace, but managed to get provoked by some manipulative messages earlier this week. It is so frustrating. Still, back to focusing on DC and relations with the members of the family who are nice. Phase Two will be focusing on myself a bit more in order to feel stronger and happier.

Phase Three will be working out how not to be grossed out by my spare bedroom, where FIL and SIL stayed together. I think I will wash all the bedding, bag it up and chuck it in the loft, then replace it. It is such a visceral reaction.