Married + young family: do you split Christmas day or stick to one side?

[Candleflower12]

1. Married + young family: do you split Christmas Day or stick to one side?

Had it over several days when they were younger with different family members. I hated the idea of cramming it all in to one day and seeing everyone, kids just ended up tired and grumpy.

I don't have kids, but for as long as my maternal grandparents were alive, they always came to us over Christmas, staying for a while as they lived far away. My paternal grandparents lived near, but they would usually go to one of their other kids for Christmas Day, and then the whole clan - both sets of GPs and all the aunts, uncles, and cousins would come on Boxing Day for the day and evening, as the paternal side all lived near.

I have such fond memories of those Christmases, as do all my cousins. My GPs have been dead for decades, and the older I've become, the more I've treasured those Christmas memories. As we got older and my sister and all the cousins married, (I was the youngest of everyone so marriage happened a bit later for me), there were a couple of Christmases that were just me and my parents, and it felt like any regular Sunday. So I, personally, don't understand the "our little family" faction for Christmas Day, unless your extended family's toxic, of course. My very favourite Christmases are where there are three generations round the table, otherwise it's just like an ordinary Sunday. YMMV, of course.

My in-laws live 2 hours south of us and my parents 3 hours north. The only way we could have everyone together is to do it at ours but six extra people sleeping in our house is just not feasible and I absolutely wouldn't expect them to spend their Xmas day travelling to us. We alternate - one year with my family and one year with my husband's. Usually we travel to them. One day when we have a bigger house I'd love to do it all together though.

I just host everyone together. Usually 13-19 for Christmas dinner and usually 10-13 sleeping over or staying for a few days.

Then a few parties and things for friends around on the other days. Then usually a new year party which nearly always requires a few more staying over.

Im not married though, so maybe that makes a difference somehow ?

Both me & my dad worked shifts up til 10 yrs ago so there was always flexibility on when Christmas was celebrated as I grew up. I’m married, 2 DC. Prior to DCs arrival we alternated between my parents & DH parents on Christmas Day & Boxing Day. We lived 30 mins from parents. When DC arrived alternated each set of parents but we hosted. When DC were toddlers we moved 2hrs away (forced move due to redundancy) & then decided we’d have Christmas Day just us & visitors could come & stay any other time. We always visit for full weekend just before Christmas. DC now grown up & moved out with own partners. I’m very much anything goes & try & avoid the drama. MIL always held the view that if she doesn’t see us on Christmas Day itself then she hadn’t seen us at Christmas 🤷‍♀️

We vary, last year we went to my sisters (my parents were over from Spain and everyone had Xmas dinner there etc), the year before we went to my fiancés parents for Xmas dinner, but we also collect his daughter at the same time so it made sense.
This year, we are staying home, but we unfortunately don’t have my step daughter on Xmas day this year (because her mum is being difficult) and my kids go Boxing Day so they won’t see each other.
But I will 7 months pregnant by Xmas so in some ways it made things easier this year and we can make sure we have everyone together next year now.
It is all dependent on family circumstances.
As a kid my family would alternate one side of the family visiting us or us to them too, it was never both because that’s too much for everyone.

Told this story before under different user names.

My sons are now mid to late 20's but before they were born we used to go to my parents and this continued after they were born.

My brother used to stay over with his wife and kids, my brother is hard work, wouldnt get out of bed till gone 11am (even on Christmas Day), this would set my dad on edge and he would be grumpy.

Anyway, one Christmas my middle son was about 3 and was fussing about his dinner, not being naughty but saying he didnt like something and older brother was teasing him. My dad exploded at him, proper shouting at him, my poor 3 year old was sat at the table eating his dinner sobbing.

Me and Ex didnt step in as it would have exploded, my dad was already wound up and shouting so we kept quiet and left as soon as we could. We thought this was the best course of action, say nothing to my dad, comfort my son and leave ASAP.

And from that day on we never left the house for Christmas, always stayed at home, even now the kids have left home i will not leave the house. My parents still host my now long divorced brother (dont blame you in the slightest now ex SIL) and his bad moods still dictate the house. But i dont care as i never get involved and enjoy my Christmas at home.

Alternate years with either side of the family but could be at theirs or at ours. Never been wedded to being in any one particular place. Not bothered by travelling nor by this idea that children have to be in their own beds on Christmas morning.

We've always alternated but not anymore! Two young children now and we had the best day at home just the 4 of us. Opening and playing with gifts, lunch when it suited us and a nice walk around babies naps! Never going back now 👌🏼

Haven't been in this position for years (I'm old now). But we never split Christmas Day. We'd spend it either at my parents or his and then do the reverse on Boxing Day. As my son got older I saw the light and decided to stay firmly at home for both.

We split quite a few years, my husband insisted. Both our families are close so I had suggested Christmas Eve and boxing with 1 side and Christmas Day with the other, but that wasn’t popular.
Honestly I’ve found hosting easier for children, 2nd is a baby but with my daughter she had her own space and could play with her toys. And for me even cooking dinner felt less pressured than waking up opening presents at ours rushing to my in laws to do presents there before going to my parents for Christmas dinner and driving home in the evening.
This year almost everyone is coming to me. My parents, MIL and FIL plus BIL and SIL and their baby. My sister and her family are due at her in-laws.
if you can I’d avoid splitting the day.

So I, personally, don't understand the "our little family" faction for Christmas Day

Well my "little" family was four kids growing up, so not all little families are little! We are likely to have an only though, and we're considering what we'll do in future years.

But I stand by the fact that Christmas is a season, and there's nothing wrong having a few separate, spaced out get togethers, rather than cram a few into one or two days.

Me and my husband are from different countries so we dk every second year fully with one side as there is travel involved when it's mine.
However, even when we are here for Christmas we do my style on the 24th as that's when we do it where I'm from.
I would be happy to also do British style on the 25th but my husband doesn't care and prefer our food anyway.

DH and I travelled before we had DC. Now GPs travel to us.

We have my side & his side along with my brother & his family at our house. Everyone's happy :)

We used to alternate going for dinner between my side and my partners, we done 2 years each and I had enough by then! It annoyed me leaving the house for dinner time and my daughter not having long enough with all her new toys she was excited about getting!
Luckily my daughter was 4 and still little (didn’t drag it out much longer) I decided to make my own dinner and we leave the house later on around 4pm and nip in each sides and back around 7pm. Everyone’s local so not bad.
I wish we done that earlier so whatever you do make sure you enjoy the day aswell! Each side didn’t really appreciate seeing us later but Christmas is about the kids and the toys, not the adults

Snap.

Both sets of parents and all our extended family live in the same town so we do see both sides on Christmas day. My preference is to wake up and go to sleep at my own house but am easy on what happens inbetween. If there was travel involved then I'd likely see one side or the other, I assume. I am a massive advocate for the advantages of living close to family.

I'm a real introvert in general but I will never relate to the mumsnet 'my little family' ideal and no one close to me does this. I would have found it dull as a kid (am not an only child but loved seeing my cousins) and DS (only child) now loves seeing his too. I just love all the bustle of Chrismas Day. We usually get at least one lazy day at home during the Christmas period afterwards and usually a couple.

Everyone has different preferences. I don't think there's a right or wrong.

When my daughter was really young we tried to spend part of the day with each set of in laws which was exhausting! When she was one we actually had two Christmas dinners so as not to offend anyone! One at 2pm with my in laws and one at 6 with my parents. I was so stuffed I felt ill and my daughter missed her nap and was a nightmare all afternoon. We vowed never again and that we would alternate Christmases from then on. Sadly we lost my fil shortly afterwards and my mil when dd was 3. Since then we’ve alternated between us hosting everyone and going to my parents. We lost my mum this year so I’m dreading Christmas this year. We’ll host at ours. My daughter is 11 now and specifically asked to stay at home. I don’t think I could face being at mum and dads on Christmas Day so dad will come to us as will my sisters and their families. I do love hosting.

We’ve been having everyone here but frankly, I want a year with just the 4 of us this year. I refuse to take the kids elsewhere as they want to be at home playing with their new toys.

The last two years have been a nightmare as my in laws refuse to take the lead from us on how to parent an AuDHD. MiL just bellows at him for effectively an excited child in his own home; he’s not doing anything naughty, she just wants him to be near silent! Instead of removing herself to another space (we have other rooms) she expects everyone to accommodate her whilst she sits on her bum, asking everyone else to make a cup of tea and not doing anything to help.

I’ve not been able to eat my lunch with everyone else as my son has had a meltdown because he’s overwhelmed and everyone is trying to make him do things he doesn’t want to do instead of leaving him to get on with things so I’ve had to take him away to calm down while my food went cold.

It’s too stressful, I can’t relax, I treading on eggshell in my own home and I don’t enjoy it anymore so we’re done, as are my parents (who do help and are good with handling my son) so they will come on a different day to celebrate with us! Christmas for four this year and I can’t wait!

Once we had children we stayed at home. Anyone was welcome to come to us, but we don't travel from Xmas Eve to Boxing Day.

I’m sorry you’ve had this stress on Christmas Day. This is why I now REFUSE ago go anywhere or have anyone over to mine , as it always becomes about the adults and what they want and not about the kids.

I’m happy to cater to the adults on other days .

In fact I have made an exceptions once for a close friend who would otherwise have been alone on Christmas Day, BUT she doesn’t boss my kids around and knows to take us as she finds us. We have several living rooms so she can just take herself off to another room and chill with a drink / watch TV if the kids are a bit much . If she wants a drink / food she helps herself etc

I have a VERY hard line on this because my Christmases as a child were RUINED by my mother’s obsession with playing the perfect hostess on Christmas Day. We spent several days helping her prepare food, do menus and place cards and decorate.

Then on the day we were not allowed to open our gifts until AFTER an all the guests had eaten dinner, which was about 6pm.

When we were smaller and not much help in the kitchen, my father took us to his work place for the whole morning so we wouldn’t get under our mother’s feet. Everyone was very nice to us and gave us sweets and small toys , it was more fun than being at home with a screaming mother , not being allowed to open our presents or eat in case it “spoiled our appetites” .

So that’s why I’m so hard line on Christmas Day not being a performance for adults but a special day for the children.

I don’t blame you for hating those Christmases, @N0Tfunny - they sound atrocious!

When we visited family, we did the morning at home and travelled to wherever we’d have Christmas lunch and that’s where we stayed. We never split between both our families.

Since we’ve had dc though, it’s mostly us hosting so everyone comes to us. This is partly because it’s easier for us to stay home (only ones with children), but mostly because no one else will do it. MIL isn’t allowed to have family to visit because her partner is a twat, so she can’t host. No one else will host because of the effort and expense. So that leaves us doing all the hosting if we want to see any family at Christmas time (frankly, I don’t 🤣 but Dh and the kids do). So if we aren’t just having a quiet one and seeing no one, then we host and they all come to us.

We only travelled once on Christmas day since we had kids. It was to my sister's so there were other kids and toys etc and it worked out well, but every other year we've stayed at home, popping to in-laws for an hour or two in the evening as they were close by, and to my family on the 26th. We had in laws to us a couple of years but they preferred to stay at home and would leave almost immediately after dessert anyway. I do plan on travelling next year, but to the Caribbean not 2 hours down the road 😉