Ex’s new partner doesn’t want me to be in any photos

[Thingyfanding1]

Bit of background: I left my ex after emotional, physical and financial abuse - he walked out on us many times and kept coming back and eventually, I said enough is enough. I am the main carer and do literally everything for them (school runs, hospital appointments, sick days, holidays, school events etc. all life admin). He sees them two evenings a week and a few days here and there in the holidays.
We’ve always tried to keep things fairly friendly for the kids. We used to do birthdays together and he’d come over at Christmas so the kids could have both parents there. Since his new girlfriend came on the scene, I’ve been told this will no longer happen - the children will do alternate Christmases with each parent instead - not that this will be happening as his accommodation is completely unsuitable (1 bed flat on heavily polluted busy road) and he does not even have a bed for them and has never made any effort to improve his situation for the children.
He's just spent the week away with his girlfriend and I've said nothing despite me never getting any significant amount of time away. The children and I had a lovely day today so I photo dumped some pictures to him and my mum at the same time. Amongst about 13 photos, there was one with me and the kids, and another one the kids had taken of me holding an old oil lamp at a museum (not a glamorous photo). I got a message straight back from him saying:
'Do not send photos of yourself again as it causes a lot of upset to GF'
For context - I have a partner too, and he goes on holiday with his ex and the kids. I personally don't have any issues with it - I fully trust him and understand why they do it. Most of the time, he's calling me a bit fed up tbh, but he does it because his children are used to family holidays and it makes them happy. Perhaps i'm in the minority here but I don't really get jealous of exes and never have.
I feel a bit taken aback. I send these photos for the children - they often ask to send this to daddy etc, not to get at him or her. Should I be worried about this level of jealousy from his partner? Is it unreasonable to say I shouldn’t appear in the photos occasionally? I'm a little confused as I have never had this problem and perhaps I am the one that is unusual about being cool with everything.

I would respond: “The kids asked me to send photos from their holiday - I did a photo dump. You can delete anything you want.” I wouldn’t mention her or engage in that nonsense. You literally sent a glut of photos - why should you have to curate them? I’m sure you also didn’t put them through Photoshop either! Her jealousy is for him to deal with, not you. If she wants to date someone with kids then she needs to accept what comes with that dynamic. So carry on provided it’s normal and not designed to provoke a response. He has to deal with her - not your circus, not your monkeys!

I personally find it odd when separated couples still do things together like a family. I believe it’s confusing for the children and doesn’t help them adjust properly! However your ex’s girlfriend does sound extremely insecure and jealous! I wouldn’t do anything to inflame the situation and would just completely ignore his message.

I said something similar ish - that i'd just photo dumped the lot to him and my mum. I did ask to clarify did he mean no photos at all with me in and he said yes that's right, thx.

He's already introduced her to the children so I am concerned now about her and her behaviour. Although, perhaps this is him trying to make out 'ooh look she's really jealous - she must really love me!' Because to him jealousy = love.

We've never really been a family unit as he left when they were very little and he was barely here, so this is all they know.

will he go to court?

ignore his stupid petty photo nonsense.

get used to responding only to what's actually relevant and ignoring all else

That is a bit odd if I’m honest. I know where you’re coming from as I have kids by exes but I wouldn’t be sending them photos of myself. Actually come to think of I don’t think I’ve sent many photos at all-of the kids and our time together- in the past, if any. During their time together I assume they’ve taken photos of their own. I just can’t be doing with enmeshment in general, though.

I don't think I'll send photos at all anymore. He sends me photos of himself with the children and I always like them and enjoy receiving them (even though I think he's a tosser) I like to see them having a good time together. My partner wouldn't dream of saying that he can't.

He sounds like an idiot. Has he not realised there’s the ‘delete’ button for any photo that he doesn’t like/ doesn’t want to keep? How does the GF even know about the photos unless he decided to show her!
He sounds like my friends ex who’s mistress was really upset that my friend was pregnant and it couldn’t be mentioned. No doubt she was upset as dickhead ex had told her he wasn’t sharing a bed with his wife - obviously a shock then how she’d manage to get pregnant.

They were at the airport because he had just facetimed the children, so maybe he was scrolling through the images in front of her - I'm not sure. But I agree - he is an idiot!

This. It's up to him to choose those the gf sees. His problem, not yours.

Don’t respond. Don’t forget this bellend was emotionally, physically and financially abusive. Who gives af what his current gf wants. Send nothing and stop being so nice. When he sends photos do you have to see his mug? Just blank him as he’s using it as a reason to tell you to do something.

I was like you OP- I had Christmases and holidays with my ex "for the kids". Looking back, it was confusing for them and not really healthy for us. It's completely okay to have Christmases apart (thought it is horrible on the years they're not with you.) We always "got on", but again, with the benefit of hindsight I can see that our dynamic on these holidays/days out highlighted the reasons why we shouldn't be together- it wasn't a dynamic our children should have had to witness, and I regret it.
Also, I think it's odd that you'd send photos of yourself to your ex tbh. I send photos to mine, but never ones of me. It's not a massive effort to pick the ones that are suitable for him.

He sends me photos of his stupid face all the time when he's with the children and it doesn't bother me or my partner in the slightest. I agree,I just won't send photos at all.

I always default to being nice because it's easier than being difficult (if you get what I mean) and I don't use social media so it's nice to just share a few photos with people (who I thought) would appreciate them.

I never send photos of myself or me with ds to my exes family. Its just of ds because to my mind that's who the connection is with. So I personally wouldn't probably have thought to send photos that included yourself and just sent the rest. You're under no obligation to send loads of photos anyway a few is fine. I agree gf sounds a bit insecure but then look who she's dating is it any wonder.

I also probably would have questions if I was dating someone who couldn't then spend holidays with me because he's with his ex wife and children... nor would I want to spend every Christmas with his ex wife and partner, especially if you each went on to have other kids? I think in that respect its fair enough to alternate.

It was a photo dump that I sent to my mum at the same time - I really didn't think it mattered that I was in a couple of them.

Our children never knew us together so they've only ever known us to spend special occasions together and the dynamic is pleasant really as it's only for a day normally.

They've not been together long and we haven't gone on to start new families. I agree, the dynamic would be different in that case. My partner spends christmas with his children, but I completely understand that - I always prioritise my children and expect my partner to prioritise his.

I would never send him photos again

If your children ask you to send photos it’s abit petty to not send them because he doesn’t want to receive photos of you. Yeh he’s being an idiot for mentioning it to you, he could just delete any photos of you he doesn’t want. I wouldn’t ever send any photos of myself to an ex to begin with though tbh I’d only send pics of the kids and then once they have phones and old enough to send their own photos I’d send them to the kids and they can forward to their dad

not your circus not your monkeys. I bet she gives him hell 😂

It was just easier to dump the lot to them both than edit them out - but he also sends photos of him with the children and my partner doesn’t say anything.
I certainly won’t be doing it once they’re old enough to have their own phones but they won’t be getting them until they’re much older.

It doesn’t matter what your partner does, just because he’s ok with something it doesn’t mean everyone else has to be. If you’re happy to receive pics of him then that’s ok but he doesn’t want to receive them of you. It really wouldn’t take long to just select a few photos of the kids

She sounds extremely insecure prepare for issues

Another vote for it being weird that you send pictures of just yourself to your ex.

You just don't click that one when you send them. There were only 13, it would have taken you less than 10 seconds to deselect/tap only the ones with the children in.

Why did you want to send him a picture of you? Sounds like my brother's ex, who used to "accidentally" include pictures of herself in with the kids all the time and act like it was him making a big deal out of it if he said anything. Deliberate faux naive "oh my goooood, it's just one tiny picture, just scroll past it, but it's clearly an issue for you hey?". She was just enjoying being an annoyance to him and his girlfriend, and would try and dress it up as being a good co parent. She knew exactly what she was doing. We all do.

This is my fear..

In that case, I’d send back a message saying: sorry, I’m really confused. You send photos to me of you and the children so how is that different from me sending photos of me and the children? I have a partner as well, but am happy to see you and the kids together?