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Original poster

Anyone else have no family help with young DC?

51 replies

twoanddonee · 27/09/2025 18:15

DC and 5.9 and 2.3. We are in the unfortunate position of having very very little family help.
In the 5.9 years we’ve have DC1, our only night away from him (when my DP had him) was when I was in hospital having DC2.
We have always paid full wack for nursery fees as we’ve had to put them in every day that I’ve worked. And my DC1 now at school does wrap around care again on the days i work.
We manage to have a day off together probably twice a year when we manage to do a date day, but now DC1 is at school it’s very difficult to use holiday. So we’ve both pulled a sicky a couple of times which isn’t ideal when we usually have to pull a sicky for sick DC as well.
We do have, maybe twice a year max, someone over (usually my mum or sis) if we go to DH works do or a family event etc, but that’s about it.

I love them both dearly, I really truly do, but I am feeling resentful at the lack of help we get. All my friends seem to have regular date nights, even weekends away/abroad, or even just a few hours at the weekend to clean to run errands. I feel like we are constantly on the go, juggling everything, having to be extremely organised to cover everything, and we have next to no time for DH and I to connect.

Anyone else in the same boat?

OP posts:
CouldBeOuting · 27/09/2025 20:13

DH and I had our first night away with no kids when eldest was 16 and youngest was 11 and away in a school residential. Up until then we had three evenings out on our own when my brother or his girlfriends parents babysat for us.

It wasn’t a great set up but both our fathers had remarried and their wives totally controlled how much (little) interaction they had with their children / grandchildren.

ButWhether · 27/09/2025 20:20

I barely know anyone who had their children anywhere close to either set of parents. It’s entirely normal to me to have had a child in the full knowledge thst you’d be paying for every moment of childcare. I’m not saying it’s not hard work, but the idea that you’re owed grandparental childcare is one I only encounter on here,

Helpwithdivorce · 27/09/2025 20:44

We have little help. We’ve had 2 nights away in 11 years. Hired babysitters for occasional evenings out. Ours are getting older now so not too much longer but it’s tough when they are young. You just get on with it tho

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RoverReturn · 27/09/2025 20:51

We had a similar lack of family help when dc were young. I don't think it was that uncommon.

Of the nct group 3 of the women had mums who were available to help pretty much all the time. I don't think they understood that not everyone is in that position.

Once I had 2 dc I became a SAHM. Most friends who continued working had a lot of support from parents.

BruFord · 27/09/2025 20:53

We didn’t have any help either. We could afford to have occasional babysitters to give us a couple of hours out. Do make sure that you each get a break sometimes-you go out with your friends and he goes out with his another time.

As PP’s have said, hang in there, it gets easier. Ours are now 20 and nearly 17 and we can go out whenever we want.

I did feel resentful at certain points but I had to accept that family didn’t want to help and there was nothing that I could do about it. 🤷

Advocodo · 27/09/2025 20:55

arethereanyleftatall · 27/09/2025 18:27

Is it for financial reasons that you can’t use babysitters? Or other?

I remember when our kids were that young, our circle of friends switched to dinner parties for socialisation purposes. We’d each take turns to host in our own homes. Kids had a sleepover so they were happy.

i presume you can each go out with your own friends whilst the other parent does solo, so presume this is just date nights with your dh we’re talking about?

thd other thing me and my friends did was we’d take it in turns babysitting each others kids, so we could go out as couples.

This!

Neweverything25 · 27/09/2025 21:00

Same for us and both children have never boon on residential at the same time! We have a friend who occasionally has them for a sleepover and occasionally go out when we visit grandparents or have them stay over. Never had a weekend away or holiday without the kids, together or separate!

Advocodo · 27/09/2025 21:04

Had zero and I mean zero help from any parents. In-laws lived 2 minutes away but refused the 1st time we asked them to babysit and so never asked again. My parents were 250miles away but even if the had lived nearer they made it clear they wouldn’t be helping. It was very very hard which is why I help my kids lots with childcare.

NaranjaDreams · 27/09/2025 21:10

Yep, 2 here, nearly 4 and 6 months, and the only night I’ve ever had away was when the second was born. I spent much of my 24 hours alone because DH needed to be with DS. I could only have him with me for the actual section because a friend stepped in at the last minute and had DS, with her mum, or I’d have been alone for that; too.

It is tough. DHs parents put a lot of pressure on us to have children before they were “too old” and then immediately decided they wanted nothing to do with the kids that had “stolen” DH from his mum… and they’ve never offered to help in any way since. They don’t even send gifts.

It is tough. It’s usual in my circle to have a decent amount of support, all my close friends get one or two days childcare each week, and usually spend a weekend day with one or the other set of parents, too. The grandparents come to clubs and things, me and DS know them well. For a while when he was a toddler, he’d call them “granddad” or whatever too, which was a bit heartbreaking!

But it is what it is. They’re lovely kids and I’m burned out as fuck, but I’m proud of them; and us.

Steph888 · 27/09/2025 21:15

We have no family help whatsoever. Literally not even someone to make a cup of tea after I’d just given birth.

We are older parents so our own DP are either dead or very elderly. None wanted to help as they felt they’d already done their bit with their mother DGC who are all nearly 20+ years older than our DS.

We have done everything ourselves and have had to pay for any childcare we needed even if literally for an hour.

DS has just started Reception and we’re currently getting to know other parents and hope to find people in a similar situation to ours who will be open to offering mutually beneficial support for each other.

We’re used to it now but I fully understand how some people can feel envious of those who have seemingly limitless support. The only time it bothers me is when we’re dealing with illness. It’s bad enough if DH or I are ill but if DS is ill then it’s really tough to juggle unplanned care for him alongside work commitments.

MrsKeats · 27/09/2025 21:17

I had very little help even though my parents were retired in their fifties and lived five mins from me. I literally passed their road to get to a childminder’s house.
Now my mum is older she expects multiple visits a week. That’s not happening as my focus is on my new grandchild and helping my daughter. I intend to do a much better job than she did.

mondaytosunday · 27/09/2025 21:17

No as my family lived abroad mostly and my in laws weren’t interested. We paid for childcare/babysitters.

Whistledown2 · 27/09/2025 21:20

It’s rubbish. I’m old now but never had help when my kids were small. I have 2 grandsons (3 and 1) I help my DD as much as I can. In fairness I can see why grandparents would not want to help. They’ve done their bit.

Shr3dding · 27/09/2025 21:22

Interesting that you think it's unusual not to have family help. My circle of friends is almost entirely people who didn't grow up where we all now live and no one had nearby family to help out.

Everyone muddled thought the best they could, there was never an expectation of regulat help so I suppose no one really thought about it

Ohhellnooo · 27/09/2025 21:24

I’ve never had a seconds help. 4 dc over 23 years. In laws were older parents and died when first dc was young, my mum died when I was a child, my dad was much older and had dementia years ago and died.

We just had to get on with it.

Livelovebehappy · 27/09/2025 22:03

I’m a grandma. First time one in my 50s with a just turned 1 year old GD. When me and dh were raising our two many years ago, we had absolutely no help whatsoever, and we did start to drift apart for a time as we just never seemed to have a minute to ourselves. So when my dd had her baby last year I told her that whenever she wanted a date night or a weekend away with her dp, we would be there for her. I work full time but happy to put in some childcare at the weekends. I adore her, and although it can be pretty full on, we have a routine now when we have her for a weekend from sat to sun once a month, and have done since she was three months old. It works for us because we have a close bond with gd now. But I know everyone is different, and grandparents can still be present without providing childcare.

Letmeoutodhere · 27/09/2025 22:06

MrsKeats · 27/09/2025 21:17

I had very little help even though my parents were retired in their fifties and lived five mins from me. I literally passed their road to get to a childminder’s house.
Now my mum is older she expects multiple visits a week. That’s not happening as my focus is on my new grandchild and helping my daughter. I intend to do a much better job than she did.

This is me. My mother is elderly and expects me to help her and drop everything for her. No, because she never helped me. My time and energy goes into my own children and grandchildren now. Karma.

BruFord · 27/09/2025 22:12

@Livelovebehappy Yes, if possible DH and I are hoping to offer similar support to our children if they decide to become parents. Like you, we didn’t have any help (except for the occasional paid babysitter) so we realize how great it is to have some family support. We can only learn and try to do things differently for our children.

ButWhether · 27/09/2025 22:16

Shr3dding · 27/09/2025 21:22

Interesting that you think it's unusual not to have family help. My circle of friends is almost entirely people who didn't grow up where we all now live and no one had nearby family to help out.

Everyone muddled thought the best they could, there was never an expectation of regulat help so I suppose no one really thought about it

Same here. It wasn’t ever something that occurred to me as a lack.

Flippertyfloppertyflip · 27/09/2025 22:19

When I’d just had my second we moved 200 miles away from family. I subsequently had a third baby. We just had to get on with it.

Redhotspicywine · 27/09/2025 22:21

Three kids, maybe one lunch time out together a year? No one to do bedtime or even dinner etc.

Good thing my kids are good company!

Plinketyplonks · 27/09/2025 22:29

I think it’s the same for a lot of people. My eldest is 11 in a few weeks and in that time my DH and I have two nights away when we went to a friend’s wedding a few nights away. Our sister in law had them then. I does sting a bit when friends are on their fourth weekend away this year with the grandparents on hand to have the kids!

BogRollBOGOF · 27/09/2025 23:09

3 hours of free, family childcare in 14+ years to go to a funeral.

To be fair, I knew it was never on the cards, grandparents were the wrong ages and too far away to make it a practical consideration. I tend to be more surprised at the multitude of people born to parents in the right window of time and settled locally to them (completely unaffordable home town anyway). Living in an area like this made it hard to build connections as we couldn't go out or exchange mutual favours to enable us to go out and build up the relationships.

It's amazing having teenagers and finally being able to go out as a couple for a few hours after many years.

BruFord · 28/09/2025 01:15

It's amazing having teenagers and finally being able to go out as a couple for a few hours after many years.

@BogRollBOGOF It’s great, isn’t it?! Then you graduate to a night away and eventually a holiday! We had our first couples holiday in 20 years this summer as DS was on a school trip and DD is an adult now.

StarCourt · 28/09/2025 03:54

lone parent and my parents lived abroad, I couldn’t afford a babysitter either