Pushy mum ‘friend’

[WilderHawthorn]

DS10 has been playing football for a lovely local team for a few years, and I’ve ended up making friends with some of the mums there. The kids are all at different schools but they’ve become my ‘village’, we all help each other out in a pinch and get together regularly for wine/coffee/play dates. I love these women as they’re real, we moan about being skint, we talk about challenges with kids/partners, and can go round to one another’s homes in leggings and a hoodie and feel perfectly welcome.

There’s a mum that I know from tennis club who’s very flashy, her DS and mine sometimes play as doubles partners and she’s the type to buy her DS £200 tennis shoes and make sure you know how much they cost. However, she’s also asked me to hang out with the kids before and we’ve hosted a play date as I try and give everyone a chance. When they came round, her DS complained loudly that our house was small and she was a bit… funny when I offered her coffee and it was either instant or a nespresso, apparently she only drinks barista coffee and has a bean to cup machine.

During one of our sideline chats a few months ago, I mentioned I was going out at the weekend with the football mums and ever since then she’s obsessed. Constantly asks about them, what plans we have, how we hang out together. I keep conversation light as I don’t understand why she’s so interested.

Lo and behold, turned up to football training tonight and her and her DS are there! Apparently she’d contacted the coach (without me knowing) and said we were friends and her DS was desperate to play for our team. The coach is a lovely chap and said bring him along and we’ll see how he gets on. When she saw me, she made a beeline and demanded to be introduced to all the other mums so we could start planning drinks she asked about being added to the WhatsApp group but fortunately one of the other parents said we have a match day group for organising lifts/warm up times for games which she would be added to in due course. However, her DS didn’t seem to enjoy training and asked several times when they could leave and when training would be finished.

I’m absolutely convinced she’s brought her son to join the team as she wants to be part of a friendship circle, but I don’t want her there! These women are my dear friends and we’re all on a level of honesty and realness that is the polar opposite to tennis mum. I don’t get why she’s keen to hang around with someone she’s put down and seems to think is beneath her. Part of me wonders if she’s lonely, but to be blunt, I can see why!

How do I navigate this?! Help!

I’m not sure what makes her any less ‘real’ than your other friends. I mean, you don’t need to wear leggings and a hoodie to be real’. I think you’re embarrassed that you probably behave differently at the tennis club to the football sidelines, and that you must have gushed a lot about your football friends to the tennis mother, and now you’re mortified to have inflicted someone you call ‘flashy’ on the football sidelines, desperate to befriend everyone.

I wouldn’t overthink it. If her son didn’t like training, it’s hardly going to be a regular thing.

I think that’s incredibly unfair, I try to be pleasant with everyone, and hosted this woman and her son at my home despite not vibing with her, and she spent the time putting me down. So I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not want her trying to infiltrate my friendship group, and I certainly don’t ‘gush’ about anything

Does she have any friends of her own OP?
She might be flashy but she certainly doesn't come over as being very pleasant given her, and her son's, snobbish behaviour at your home.
It sounds as though she wants to muscle in on your friendship group because she doesn't have one of her own.

How did she put you down?

Did her kid actually 'complain' that your house was small or did he just mention that it was small? Her not liking your coffee isn't a problem. I'm mega fussy about coffee but I'm in no way a snob.

Doesn't sound as though you like her much. She could be lonely and wanting friends, maybe try being friendly?

It's a little bit intrusive isn't it ?

I will say though, sometimes you can peel someone's layers after some time and realise they're just human underneath. I've ended up liking some people that seem all bravado on first meetings.

She might feel isolated because she's "different" (wealthier etc ) she might be blinkered by her own upbringing and "norms". That said, you're not obliged to hang out with her just because she's encroached on the footy thing. Just be pleasant and friendly but have your cut off points.

I love these women as they’re real,

I think tennis mum is quite real, too 😂.

You can't stop people turning up at places if they want to. Sounds like her child does t like football much anyway though.

How did she spend the time putting you down?

A bit of inverse snobbery going on here.

I think that the OP is referring to is the ten year old referring to her house as ‘small’ and not being enthusiastic about her coffee. Hardly a campaign of ‘putting her down’.

Agree on the inverse snobbery, @BlissfullyBlue.

She sounds lonely and you sound judgemental. I think you ride it out and if you are right in your judgements then naturally she'll just peel away from the football group. (Fyi - our previous house was massive, daughter thought it was small compared to friends houses which were literally mansions, now we live in a 2 bed tiny terrace and she went to a friend's house whose house is the same overall level as previous and called them rich several times over. Point being you can't trust kids perceptions and actually they don't matter either as long as there's no name-calling.)

Lots of weirdly pedantic posters on here. I'm sure everyone knows what you mean by "real."
I dont think you need to explain yourself op. It's absolutely fine not to gel with some people.

Asking to be put in someone's WhatsApp chat within seconds of meeting them is rude and, to be honest weird.

Perhaps she is secretly shy and struggles to make friends (or perhaps she just has the hide of a rhino!) but that's not your problem to solve.

I'd try to carry on as you are -keeping convo light, ignoring hints, but if she started getting more brazen and demanding invites I think you just have to match her energy and be as blunt with her.
E.g. "can you add me to your WhatsApp group"
"no sorry its our private group nothing to do with the actual football. I wouldn't ask you to add me to your uni mates group chat!"
"You're going for drinks tomorrow? Can I come?"
"No, it's for Anna's birthday so it would be rude of me to invite someone she doesn't know."
Or even just a confused look and a blank "no? Why would you want to, you don't even know her?"

Basically spell it out to her if you have to "these are my friends. You are an acquaintance." Worst comes to the worst she gets offended and blanks you at tennis club - you don't seem to like her anyway so no great loss.

Adults get to choose their friends. You don't have to be her friend just because she wants to be yours. Of course you should be polite to her but it's not the playground "leaving someone out" because they were never actually "in" is fine.

If she brags about how much she spends on tennis shoes and puts you down a lot you don’t owe her anything so beyond being polite you don’t need to do anything. Just because she turns up for football it doesn’t mean you or the other mums need to include her if you socialise outside that. Just keep to conversation about football and kids. If the other mums like her and want to include her there is nothing you can do and will have to put up with her. Maybe she is lonely or maybe she is just one of those people who like to be included in everything. If her son doesn’t like football he won’t last anyway.

People are very obviously trying to be contrary on this post. No matter the post, no matter how glaringly obvious it is that the op isn’t being unreasonable you always get some clever dicks trying to disagree.

It’s very clear that op means that she gets along better and has more in common with the football mums. It’s odd and intrusive that tennis mum has turned up without even mentioning it and immediately wanted to be introduced and added to group chats. I’m sure anyone in this situation would find it all a bit off.

I get it even if other posters seem to not . Hopefully with the DS not seeming to like the training she won’t be staying around too long .
I would be worried she’s going to Wendy in on your friendship group . Maybe stop telling her so much about those friends and encourage her to find her own set of friends . Maybe her DS would enjoy another activity more .

I don’t have much advice but I would feel like you do .

I don’t think anyone’s disputing that she doesn’t have to befriend this woman if she doesn’t like her!

Only that this tennis club woman is fully as ‘real’ as the football club parents, only the OP thinks she’s above her socially, and doesn’t want her to bring her bean to cup coffee machine and ‘flashy’ £200 tennis shoe notions to a group where the OP is comfortable.

No, the OP does not have to be happy this woman took her son to football training at her son’s club.

No, she doesn’t have to sponsor her attempts to socialise with the other parents, despite literally just arriving.

But, as the club is presumably open to new children joining, that’s not something the OP can prevent. Likewise, if the other parents get to know and like and get along with tennis club woman, the OP can’t prevent them including her in social outings, either.

I can see why the OP doesn’t want her there, but she’s only got herself to blame for feeding the information about socialising with the football club parents to Flashy Tennis Mum in the first place, especially once she started showing an obsessive interest months back.

This sounds awful but I think she's using you to leapfrog to a friendship group op...be aware she might dump you once she's settled

I knew what you meant by ‘real’ op and the football group sound great. I’m jealous and want to be part of it too!

At the end of the day she wants to muscle in but presumably they’ll see what an insufferable twat she is too. Just let her do her thing. Be, as the pp said, a little bit more boundaried about not giving into her pushy requests “sorry I’d have to ask the group”, “sorry Lara, that’s not my call to make”, “sorry Lara that was arranged weeks ago”. Etc

If you’re being kind - let her earn her stripes and build up a rapport with this group if she can. You’ve all been friends a lot longer and it sounds like you’ve got a good thing going on. Don’t get steam rollered by her and don’t let it affect your enjoyment. She’ll either fit in or she won’t. I suspect she won’t and that’s on her to reflect and do better.

I get it. I have a small group of friends who meet up every couple of months for drinks. Another person joined the group in the summer and they just dominate the conversation all the time, to the extent that others hardly say a word all night. It’s really frustrating as they are a genuinely lovely person, just hard work on a night out!

She sounds like Amanda from Motherland!
Let's hope you're not Julia 🤣

I think if I were lonely and desperate for friends, as some people are suggesting, and fussy about coffee I'd avoid it completely and opt for something else instead of risking offending someone.

It's not much of a surprise if she doesn't have friends! She may well be showing off to try and impress, but that usually has the opposite effect.

You can't stop her from going to football, OP, just keep things light and breezy if she tries to engage and don't give any details about your life or what you're doing. Ultimately, you can stop her from being part of the mum group either if other people are happy for her to join. I'd probably be groaning too at the prospect, but keep it to yourself or you risk alienating yourself from the group.

Exactly what I was thinking, have had it happen to me before.

I'm abit like that about coffee, to be fair 😉

Oh my god, she sounds an absolute nightmare!

What is it with some people that they think I have the slightest interest in how much money they have spent on something, or how wonderful they think their own lives are. I couldn’t care less. Go cover up your insecurities somewhere else.

I certainly wouldn’t worry about her getting to know the other mums, I can’t imagine they will be that enamoured with her.

Can’t you just be “real” with her and say, I wouldn’t really see you getting on with us football lot, Wendy, we’re a bit £4.99 Aldi trainers and instant coffee!

I'm sorry but what jumped out at me was you have a group of mums from football training that you can moan about being skint with yet take your child to tennis club. You can't be that skint and so I'm not sure it's tennis mum who isn't being real.