Pushy mum ‘friend’

[WilderHawthorn]

DS10 has been playing football for a lovely local team for a few years, and I’ve ended up making friends with some of the mums there. The kids are all at different schools but they’ve become my ‘village’, we all help each other out in a pinch and get together regularly for wine/coffee/play dates. I love these women as they’re real, we moan about being skint, we talk about challenges with kids/partners, and can go round to one another’s homes in leggings and a hoodie and feel perfectly welcome.

There’s a mum that I know from tennis club who’s very flashy, her DS and mine sometimes play as doubles partners and she’s the type to buy her DS £200 tennis shoes and make sure you know how much they cost. However, she’s also asked me to hang out with the kids before and we’ve hosted a play date as I try and give everyone a chance. When they came round, her DS complained loudly that our house was small and she was a bit… funny when I offered her coffee and it was either instant or a nespresso, apparently she only drinks barista coffee and has a bean to cup machine.

During one of our sideline chats a few months ago, I mentioned I was going out at the weekend with the football mums and ever since then she’s obsessed. Constantly asks about them, what plans we have, how we hang out together. I keep conversation light as I don’t understand why she’s so interested.

Lo and behold, turned up to football training tonight and her and her DS are there! Apparently she’d contacted the coach (without me knowing) and said we were friends and her DS was desperate to play for our team. The coach is a lovely chap and said bring him along and we’ll see how he gets on. When she saw me, she made a beeline and demanded to be introduced to all the other mums so we could start planning drinks she asked about being added to the WhatsApp group but fortunately one of the other parents said we have a match day group for organising lifts/warm up times for games which she would be added to in due course. However, her DS didn’t seem to enjoy training and asked several times when they could leave and when training would be finished.

I’m absolutely convinced she’s brought her son to join the team as she wants to be part of a friendship circle, but I don’t want her there! These women are my dear friends and we’re all on a level of honesty and realness that is the polar opposite to tennis mum. I don’t get why she’s keen to hang around with someone she’s put down and seems to think is beneath her. Part of me wonders if she’s lonely, but to be blunt, I can see why!

How do I navigate this?! Help!

Is this woman the grand daughter of Margot from the Good Life?

Class system still in play. Just more hidden and more open to class tourism.
Lots of pretensions etc.

Sorry - a bit out of context on this thread, - but - I am so glad that I (& children) are sensible (old) enough not to care what size house people have or how much they or friends spend on shoes. When at school, (yes, a bit back in the day) one of my best friends lived in an 'almost' mansion, with her own 'cabin' in the garden (great parties, lol) - another had parents who ran their own very successful businesses - another had a dad who was a dustman - another had a mum who was a barmaid - my Dad worked in Air Traffic Control, my mum was a SAHM, another was a daughter of a Bishop - we all got along so well, just being friends because we liked each other & got along well - and in fact are still all friends now - I am so glad that we were all brought up to know what matters & what really, really doesn't. We would not exclude another person becoming a friend with us , unless she/he was a total biatch.
Said tennis Mum actually sounds a bit lonely & trying to impress to try & fit in (ie if she has her own friends, why would she be bothered about joining another 'group'?)- maybe a bit naive about the coffee thing & not quite sure how to act in a social situation? Surely a 'friend' group can work out one way or another - I really don't understand 'kind of closed friend groups' - I used to hate the clique thing when going to toddler groups etc - maybe give her a chance, get to know her, see what happens - ask her for help or advice, (even if not needed) - you may see a different side - but at the end of the day it isn't really a 'your' problem. Sorry for the ramble, its late, lol, but kindness costs nothing - if she is reaching out. (If she is a a total biatch, ignore all the above, lol) xx🌹

But it’s not ‘your’ friendship group, it’s jus a group of local woman, anyone should be able to try and join if they want…..maybe being around them will bring her down to earth a bit as people usually try and fit in with the crowd in situations like that if they want to be liked……I think you are going to have to just let her get on with it……she is also entitled to get her son involved with the football if she wishes……she sounds like she would irritate me as well but what can you do

Are you sure this isn't an episode of Motherland? 😆

I would talk to the coach, as PP said - clear up the misunderstanding that you are friends, just acquaintances from another sport. You can’t really say more without being entirely unfair to the coach. But don’t let her narrative about your relationship stand. It may influence the coach in ways you and your DS do not want.

Are the other women really good friends who would say the same about you and not (and I mean this kindly, but it’s important) just a group of activity related mums you’ve got on well with who are important to you because you haven’t got other friends? If so, I would tell them how you feel about her being there and how rude she was to you in your home. Maybe see if you can do some of the more personal events (birthdays? BBQs?) without her while keeping general night out activities open to all? But certainly making it clear that you don’t want to end up lumbered with her at gatheringst.

But if they’re really just a group of mums who get together because of the football, there really isn’t anything you can do about it if she ends up staying. It’s not reasonable to restrict how welcome a child’s mum is to a general group structured around the DC’s activity.

Longer term I think you to restructure your friendships group. It is precarious to have made your best friendship group out of a group of women who come together over a kid’s activity. A subset who you first met in those circumstances, more reasonable, but I if you’ve gelled with all the other women whose children play football with your son to the extent they’re all your best friend, that’s unusual and a bit of a shaky foundation. You should probably start shoring up the friendships individually. At some point your sons aren’t going to play football together again and there’s always the possibility someone else will join who you end up disliking. You need your own social circle to be more personal and not to revolve around your DC entirely (though God knows it’s convenient when they’re young!). If the answer to the question about whether they’re all really your good friends is actually - probably not - then this is the opportunity to build up the friendships with the ones you like the most. Start asking one or two out to separate things, with and without DC. Develop the friendships. And maybe start looking elsewhere as well. It’s hard with small kids. But it’s easy to lose yourself in the focus on children (and having only mum friends is a part of that).

Edited to add: Also, maybe don’t worry about it too much. The way you describe these women, it sounds like they aren’t anymore tennis’ mum’s style than you are. She’ll probably put them all off the same way she has you. Just be ready to get in invitations to smaller gatherings if the whole group football club activity drops off because they’re avoiding her.

@RawBloomers, I don’t disagree with your larger point, but the extent of tennis mum’s ‘rudeness in the OP’s home’ has been looking unenthusiastic about the OP’s coffee offerings.

You sound like you’ve behaved in a really childish manner. “You’re not part of our club!”

While her initial post only mentioned the rudeness over the offer of instant or espresso coffee, her follow-up said “she spent the time putting me down” about the time spent in her home. Obviously if the woman’s only comment was along the lines of “oh, I’d prefer Barista” that isn’t going to take long.

She said she “only drinks barista coffee?” Pictures or it didn’t happen!

where was Op rude? can you point it out? thanks x

She obviously isn't someone you want to be friends with. Just phase her out. Be less available. Or be straight with her. You don't owe her anything.

People are very obviously trying to be contrary on this post. No matter the post, no matter how glaringly obvious it is that the op isn’t being unreasonable you always get some clever dicks trying to disagree.

So true. The desperation to be contrary and immediately see bad in the OP is so tedious.

It might be she’s ND

🙄🙄🙄🙄 rudeness does not equal ND

Exactly. I accept what I am given with grace. People who would turn it out down like these have extremely poor social skills.

I didn’t mean it that way at all, half my family are ND - I meant she might be quite direct. For example if I offer my ND nephew a coffee, he might say ‘I don’t like your coffee, it tastes bitter’ or something similar that’s factual. To him it tastes bitter. He doesn’t change what he’s saying to save someone’s feelings. It’s just part of his ND. My dad (also ND) was the same and always said the quiet bit out loud. I took from the op’s post that the ‘pushy mum’ might be being direct rather than rude.

I think the OP's instinct is kicking in regarding this woman and to ignore it is most likely storing up problems for the future. How many of us end up wishing we'd followed our instinct when the writing was on the wall in the beginning?

She sounds like she must be lonely. You know the old saying. Maybe she hides behind her wealth/ material items because she struggles to find other ways to connect? But it seems like she's looking for connection, albeit sneaky to just turn up at football.

It's a tough one because it'd be a little harsh to exclude her should the son join the football team but I do get that that group of friends is your safe space. It sounds to me like her son didn't enjoy football so won't stick around, and you might also find that once she realises she doesn't have much in common with your friends, things fizzle out. It's not just on you to include her, if she's approaching the group as a whole, others will decide what to do for themselves too.

And whoops, replied to the wrong message!

This is ridiculous. Showoffs exist in every social class.

Stop hanging out with her, drop son at tennis and go shopping or something ..

My daughter did ballet in an upper class area and I used to sit on my own. The other mums all sat around drinking champagne and eating strawberries out of little hampers! Their conversations weren’t thins I could relate to either (think boarding school/nannies etc) so I used to sit in my car and read or pop to the shops.
I'm too old for forced conversation with people who look down their noses at others.
As for the football friends - if her son didnt like practice then hopefully she won’t come again… and as long as you all make plans on the WhatsApp group she’s not part of then it won’t affect you. And even if she does get in on one of the meet ups, something tells me it won’t be her cup of tea and she’ll either not want to come again or won’t be invited again !

do you...not understand how possessive pronouns work?

If I say, 'What's your gym like?' to my friend, it's universally understood that I mean the gym she attends, not that I'm under the assumption she owns the gym.

It is OP's friendship group because she's a member of it. Your point is that she can't gatekeep entry, but it's Tennis!Mum who is using OP as a gate in the first place so OP can decide whether to open or close it!

If OP wasn't in the picture, Tennis!Mum wouldn't just randomly pick 5 women she'd never spoken to before and say 'right let's start a Whatsapp group and be best friends.' She's using OP to join OP's group so, in that scenario OP gets to decide if she is okay with being used or not.

If Tennis!Mum keeps coming to football practice, starts chatting with and gets on with some of the other women in the group and they then want to invite her on a night out or whatever that's fine and nothing OP gets a right of veto on, as their relationship would be independent of OP.

But how might she close it, though? By saying to the football parents ‘I don’t like this woman, she’s not my friend, and I don’t want her going out with us’?

.

I think the OP perfectly understood my comment without your long winded pointless narration

💯 this never fails to amuse me on MN the contrarians.