Friend not making much effort after I had a baby

[WoodlandToadstool]

I never expected my friendships to stay the same after having a baby. But there's one friend in particular that I feel sad about. She's lovely and loves my baby, she couldn't wait to meet him and get to know him. But she doesnt really make much of an effort anymore, and if we try to meet up, she usually wants to go somewhere right near her house, which isn’t too easy for me now I have a little one.
Not really asking much I suppose, just feel a little sad about it. 😔

Maybe she has some health issues or the bus services have been cut. lots of people like to stay local now since lockdown they don’t like being out and about?

Aim to do one venue of her choice and one of yours tgat you can both gwt to abd from ok at a time tgat suits for a sitter.

People without children dont want to have the baby come alone all the time when you meet up for coffee etc but sometimes it’s fine. Do you have someone you can leave your child with so you can get away?

How much are you expecting?
how old is baby and how many times have you met up?

@TalulahJP Thanks for your reply 🙂 she hasn't got any health issues, has her own car and loves to get out and about. I understand your points, but they dont apply to her. She also genuinely loves seeing the baby! Loves having cuddles with him. I breastfeed, so no he has to stay with me. But like I say, she really enjoys seeing him. It's just not 50/50 anymore. I'm sure it will get better one day, I just miss her being there really.

Is it that she doesn't make an effort with your friendship or with your child? They're two different things after all. Do you still chat on the phone or online? Doesn't have to be always about meeting up which can be difficult, as you say, when you have to travel with a baby and presumably she works?

@Heythere55 I'd love a catch up maybe just once a month. I've travelled to her, but would love her to come nearer my way just once so my husband could take charge of baby's naps and I could catch up with her. Baby is 6 months. I've seen her once for a decent catch up since he was born and a couple of very quick coffee meet ups.

@Arlanymor It's our friendship. I reach out to her usually, she hasn't messaged me much. I've been struggling a bit since the baby and she knows that. But hasn't asked how I am much. I always make sure to ask her how she is when I message.

Do you talk too much about the baby and motherhood with her? I've experienced this and it is tedious. I was extra careful to talk about a range of things, especially taking interest in my friend's lives, once I had kids having been on the receiving end of non stop motherhood chat.

I'm sorry to hear that, about the struggling, that must be hard and it's when you need your friends around. Does she have children? Could she maybe be a bit unsure as to how to support you best? If anything it sounds like the two of you need a really good catch up without the baby perhaps?

@Farticus101 I'm really mindful of this too. She does ask, so I'll tell her bits. But I try to always focus on her too and what's going on in her life. I don't want to always be talking about motherhood tbh! It's refreshing hearing other people chat about different things.

You could be right. She doesnt have children, no. If she came to me more then my husband could take the baby for a walk and we could chat. But she always wants me to go to her. So it's tricky.

Why are people on here always so quick to assume you’re in the wrong rather than show a bit of sympathy?!

Friendships change when kids arrive, it’s shit. Lower your expectations and don’t keep doing all the running around, resentment builds fast. If you’ve been travelling to her, tell her to come to you. If she can’t give a decent reason why not, that tells you everything you need to know.

That’s such a shame that you feel that way and perhaps she just doesn’t realise?

Explicitly invite her over for a lunch or coffee at your house.

don’t give the option of going anywhere else. If she suggest somewhere else say you’d love to but right now it’s difficult for you travel with baby but you really want to see her. So the offer is still open to chill at yours

you could always go the open/blunt route and ask her head on what’s going on?

It does sound tricky. Would she usually come to you more before? I am just trying to work out why she might be resistant more now if she did before. Trying to think of solutions!

Babies do change friendship dynamics - I've found that some friendships survive and some don't. Did she always tend to want the friendship to operate on her terms? If you were accommodating to this before, and now can't because of the baby, this may be why it's not working any more.

I would try being really honest with her - invite her over and explain why it's hard to meet too far from home while the baby is so little. If that doesn't work there is not much more you can do. It is sad, but perhaps she isn't quite as good a friend as you thought OP?

Thanks everyone. It's nice just to tell someone other than my husband. We're one of the first couples of our friends to have a baby, so people around us dont really get it. I've discovered how lonely motherhood can be and that combined with sleep deprivation is tough.
She used to love coming over and we'd do dinners, walks etc. So she's not always been like this. But as soon as it's become inconvenient for me to go to her as much, that's when she wants me to travel. It feels unfair, but she probably doesn't really understand tbh.
Thanks for everyone's input. X

People without kids have absolutely no clue how much effort it can be to being a baby anywhere - getting everything ready, lugging the pram in and out of the car, etc etc., and then it's hard to concentrate fully on someone elsewhen the baby is with you. Invite her to yours or somewhere near you and just tell her it's difficult to travel to her now with the baby.

I do think a lot of people without children just aren’t that interested in babies or in the logistics of planning life around them. I say that as someone without children myself.

She might make a suitable amount of fuss and give plenty of cuddles but she’s unlikely to want her social life to be spent with your baby or to revolve around breastfeeding times etc.

I've tried inviting her a few times but she keeps needing to cancel for one reason or another. But when we rearrange, she then moves where she wants to meet to nearer her instead of coming to mine for a change.

Even just once a month to see me sounds too much to you? I've explained if she came to see me then we'd have baby free time to catch up. As my husband can help with that. But if I'm going to her, that cant really happen. We've been friends for over 15 years. Genuinely asking if you were friends with someone for this long and they recently had a baby, would you not go and see them just for one afternoon all because there's a baby near by? That seems really sad, I'd never do that to someone so I don't understand. 😔

Has your DH upset her!?

No, not at all.

Have you said this to her?

That does seem odd, most of my good friends make a decent effort to come see me after I had my baby. When she cancels and then rearranges, why is it always her picking the venue? Can't you say, "no that doesn't suit me/I don't want to go there. Can we go to 'insert somewhere closer to you'"? I'd imagine someone reasonable would make an effort. Maybe you'll just have to come out and ask her why she never comes to you anymore

Honestly, it depends on all kinds of factors. I’m personally not interested in children and if I had limited free time I probably wouldn’t want to spend it travelling to accommodate someone else’s baby, especially if they also seemed unwilling to to any of the travel themselves.

On the other hand if I had lots of free time and they also made the effort to visit it probably wouldn’t bother me as much.