Friend not making much effort after I had a baby

[WoodlandToadstool]

I never expected my friendships to stay the same after having a baby. But there's one friend in particular that I feel sad about. She's lovely and loves my baby, she couldn't wait to meet him and get to know him. But she doesnt really make much of an effort anymore, and if we try to meet up, she usually wants to go somewhere right near her house, which isn’t too easy for me now I have a little one.
Not really asking much I suppose, just feel a little sad about it. 😔

Is she trying for a baby/does she have fertility issues?
I say this as someone who struggled to conceive, it can be very hard being around babies at times.

Also a lot of child free people just don't get why the baby has to come with you all the time. They have no idea.

Also honestly I'm super pleased for my friends with babies but I really don't care much for other people's children. Also conversation and quality of meetings isn't them same. Before you would be in a wine bar , now one is breast feeding and you're in Starbucks it's understandable. It's not that she isn't your friend any more but the dynamics have shifted

Okay, I appreciate your perspective. My friend is interested in children. To a point where she looks after other kids willingly and does different activities with them like baking, taking them out for the day etc. She works part time, so is free more often than a full time worker. I have made the effort to travel to her, but honestly it's such a pain to as by the time we're there, we can only do an hour maximum before I'd need to get baby home for his nap! If she came to me, she could spend a good chunk of the day if she wanted to, which is what she used to do.

No she's not. I struggled with infertility, so it's definitely not something I'd be inconsiderate of.

Have you explicitly said it’s difficult to go her way so need her to come your way?

Thank you, that's what I'm thinking tbh.

Yes I've said it before and she's seen for herself how hard it is for me.

I do understand why people need to bring their babies and small children but that doesn’t change the fact that them being there alters the dynamic and changes a nice relaxing catch-up to a meet-up that primarily revolves around the baby in some way.

Lots of people aren’t going to want to spend their free-time with someone else’s baby, especially if the conversation is constantly being interrupted for them.

I know that probably sounds harsh and a bit uncaring but when you don’t have kids you don’t really want to have to adjust your plans for them.

Very young babies and small, verbal children are very different. Maybe you just need to accept that your friendship isn’t going to be the same now you have a child.

I think this might be why - you’re going over to hers, and then only spending an hour with her before heading off again for baby’s nap.

Really? They couldn’t nap at hers? In a pushchair, in someone’s arms, on a blanket on the floor?

I know naps are important and you’ve got your routine but when there’s little or no flexibility it becomes tedious for other people.

Yes I know, only saying that as I'm trying to get across that she does actually love being with kids. And she genuinely loves being around my baby. I'm not just saying that lol she absolutely loves him to bits. I just don't think she gets how tough it is tbh and thinks a baby is a lot more portable.

Take care of yourself, first and foremost. If this relationship is upsetting you, then maybe look to making new friendships with other mums with babies the same age. Don't get isolated alone with your baby, struggling to keep up old friendships. Things are no longer the same, you have gone through something they cannot even imagine - however empathic and fond of babies they may seem.

Maybe pull back for a while and let her make the running. Friendships and relationships change SO much after a baby and some just don't make the cut. Join some groups with your baby, socialise more with people who do understand what it's like! You can also meet them without children occasionally, so it doesn't always have to be baby-orientated talk, but it's nice to be surrounded by those who know what you are going through.

And watch out for depression. Things like this (a failing friendship) can make you spiral without even realising it. As I said, look after yourself (and your baby, obviously!) first.

Since he turned about 3 months he's so aware of things and will not nap unless in his bed or on a walk in the pushchair. He's just so nosy, he will absolutely stay up and get overtired instead of napping wherever.

Thank you x

It’s the fact that you keep saying she ‘loves him to bits’ that’s making me question your take on all this. I mean, of course she doesn’t love your baby, OP. She’s met him three times, two of those very briefly, and he’s six months old and non-verbal! She may be perfectly happy to hold him and admire his good looks etc, but I think you’re way over-inflating her likely interest in him.

The only behaviour you can control here is your own. Either keep reiterating that it’s too difficult for you to go to her, or, if you really want to see her, switch things up. At six months he’s not ECF any more, so surely you can leave him for a bit longer, or at least loosen the iron routine of his naps? DS had to learn to nap in his pushchair in all kinds of environments, otherwise I’d barely have left the house.

I knew someone would say this. I would not over inflate it, I'm not like that at all. I'm only saying it becuase I dont want people thinking she's not bothered with the baby when she really is. Truly.
The nap thing is too much to work on right now tbh. We have lots of things with sleep that we're trying to figure out and I dont want to add that one into the mix too lol.
Thank you though, I think maybe I just need to put my head down and get on with it in terms of the friendship. It is what it is and one day it will probably change again.

This sounds just like an old friend of mine. She only ever wanted to meet in her city and never mine (they are adjacent). She would just reply, no we'll meet near mine. I went along with it, until I got so fed up. I haven't seen her for years now. Some people are naturally selfish.

Aw that's such a shame. I'm sorry you've been in this position too. X

There are lots of parents on here who wouldn’t dream of going home so the baby can nap so I do wonder if that plays a part in it.

I know you say he only naps in his bed or on walks but if you had older children you wouldn’t be able to put their lives on hold for naptime - so maybe she’s feeling a bit put out by the whole thing? I don’t know, I’m just trying to guess!

Thanks for that.. I'm one of many that do have to be a bit more organised around naps. It's just how it is. And I dont have another child so that's a little irrelevant.🤷🏻‍♀️ However, like I've mentioned, if she came to me it wouldnt be an issue because we could chill and catch up properly while the baby is napping or with his dad. Don't worry about guessing, it will be fine I'm sure. Thank you anyway.