Looming empty nest. I'm not coping

[RumCaramel]

Hi,

To give a bit of background, I'm 41 and my dd (only child) will be off to uni this time next year. She has been accepted at her preferred uni and has decided to take a year out. She has mild SN (undiagnosed) and I've been a bit of a helicopter parent over the years.

I will admit that some of this is just down to being a natural worrier, but a lot of it has been circumstantial and I've needed to intervene more than I'd like. Dd doesn't make friends easily and so spends a lot more time with us than most 18 year olds. She's also struggling to find work, so I feel a bit like she's going backwards. She probably only sees a friend or two every couple of months. She's keeping herself busy with crafting, as she's a very creative person, but she spends way too much time in her room.

Sometimes I think she just isn't ready to be thrown into independence, even though that's a year away, but then is that because of who she is or who I am? I suspect it's a bit of both.

I am honestly a bit of a mess every time I think about her leaving. The worry is overwhelming, as is the sadness. I feel too young to have an empty nest. When I see families with little ones, I often have to hold back tears, sometimes unsuccessfully, because if I'm being brutally honest, I am jealous. Plain and simple.

People often tell me I'm lucky to have my life back whilst I'm still relatively young, but I don't feel that way at all. I know I will just feel this awful void. I regret so much not having more children, but dd took up so much of my time and energy, getting her help, dealing with the mammoth tantrums and melt downs etc. It's been very tough getting her here.

I am so proud of how far dd has come. I know she finds a lot of things difficult, that most people probably don't even need to think about and so seeing her complete her A levels and get into her first choice uni really is fantastic. She does try so hard and I know I need to just back off a bit and let her fly or indeed fall, but when your dc has struggled so much to get to this point and you've had to be more involved than most, it's so hard to do that.

It would be great to hear from those who can relate and/or from those who can offer a bit of advice and positivity.

Thank you.

Its a big period of change for you both but you can help her by talking about the changes coming up; and how you evolve your relationship. She still needs your love and support. Maybe plan out the next few months with some theatre trips or other things to look forward to; ot have a trip to her new uni town so that it can feel more familiar to her.

You've done great supporting her to this stage- and you can help her thrive in this next stage too

Thank you @bluelavender 😊 I know the adjustment won't be over night, but I'm genuinely concerned I'll fall into a depression. I've always struggled with my mental health, so it almost feels inevitable.

It's been the 3 of us for so long and probably feels longer because dd has spent so much more time with us than average and I don't think I'll feel complete without her.

The worry is a separate issue I suppose, but I honestly don't know how I'm going to keep that under control. She isn't street wise at all and in some ways is still quite immature, so that is definitely elevating the worry!

There are risks in her going away (not being streetwise; risks to her mental wellbeing) but also fantastic opportunities to grow her independence and move to adult life. Its a massive change for you; and perhaps getting new areas of focus could help (eg new hobby or volunteering; or time to study something you've always wanted to learn).

Helping her plan for uni may really help both of you- such as meal planning, cooking; living on a budget; encouraging her to engage in the clubs/societies at her uni to help her build a friendship group.

What does she want to get from her gap year?

Use the free time to do activties that will support your mental health.

And re-frame the situation positively, that you have helped your DD move to the next stage and will continue to support but maybe in different ways.

@bluelavender yes, I definitely need to have other things to focus on and actually enjoy! We have actually been doing some meal planning, budgeting ideas etc. She does seem very keen to be independent, which is great, but sometimes she does still seem very young and naive and I just can't see it. Maybe that's more typical than I think (?).

@Ineedpeaceandquiet I do try to be as positive as I can about the transition around her and talk about all the exciting things she'll be able to do, but at the back of my mind there's always this 'is she really going to be ready for this?' thought.

I sort of get this, although we haven't had an empty nest yet because we have two DCs and one graduated and came home as the other went to uni. Both mine have SNs and I have been more hands on due to this (diagnosis, EHCP, PIP, DSA) and also because neither was as independent as others the same age in many respects. Very limited social lives at home for example. Anyway, DS who has greater support needs went first, I had to handhold all the way through the application and early days and to some extent ongoing. He managed three years away at uni, has had several pt jobs, a good social life, passed his driving test, grew so much in independence. At first I was worried sick and missed him SO much but we quickly adjusted and I started to enjoy all the free time I now had as well as appreciating his visits home and enjoying visits to his uni town. Now DD has gone and I do miss her but am confident it will pass and we will adapt in the same way. They do both still have support needs and will continue to do so but we are all moving forward.

Whilst she has the time looking for work would it help everyone if you let her/made her responsible for little things and build up?
Has she tried to hand in a CV of sorts into local business, especially coming up to Christmas, to get some seasonal part time work doing anything basically. Going in, with a covering letter and CV, being presentable, and a bit more go getting can impress more than waiting for something to turn up.

Could you give her a budget, make her look at transport and carrying stuff home, and give her the challenge of sorting out Friday dinner for you all, with/without pudding, within budget and she comes home and cooks it all?

Does she change her bedding? Launder her clothes? Have you sat down with copies of bills just so she knows how to keep on top of things?

You can be pleasantly surprised by your young adult children when they are dumped basically in situations.

Are there any local MacMillan coffee mornings this week? Have a look at your local facebook pages, and regardless of religion some churches hold drop in coffee mornings and other gathering events.

Go out for something to eat and let her do the ordering, get the waiters attention, ask for the bill, converse basically.

University is a stepping stone to full fat adulthood. Especially in halls. There are groups for crafting, introverts. She will not be the only one overwhelmed with limited social experience. It's part of the reason most go to university.

And in the end if she is out of her depth she can always come home.

Hi, sorry for the delay in replying to this!

@ExquisitelyDecorating that's great to read 😊 It must be a real sense of achievement for you, as well as relief. Can I ask though, how do you let go more? It's hard for most parents, but when you have a dc with SN, it's adds another layer. Do you worry more about your dd than ds? I know you say your has more complex needs, but I honestly don't know how I won't be an absolute wreck when my dd goes and is on nights out 🫣 It actually makes me feel sick, as we've just not really had any practice with that. She goes out occasionally for the afternoon with a friend and I won't pretend that I don't worry a lot then, but so far, we've only had a few nights out and tbf, they've been early, tame ones. She's actually due to meet a friend this weekend at a really rowdy bar and I just feel like I'm releasing her into the bear pit! She's not totally naive, but she just isn't where most 18 year olds are. Socially I would say she is more 13 or 14. She can't really hold her drink either, which is obviously a real worry. Sorry! I'm massively offloading here! 😬😂

@frozendaisy we did actually go into town before she had officially finished school and she went into a few places asking about jobs, but everyone said the same- either "no" or "email in your CV", but nothing. Thank you for all the suggestions. I do encourage her to be a bit more domesticated, with ......varied success, shall we say? She has a processing delay, so it does take her a bit longer to do some things, which can be very frustrating for her.

You're right though. She won't be the only one feeling like this.

How about becoming a mentor for a care leaver?

I think her going off is a wonderful opportunity to stand on her own two feet, you are only a phone call away if she needs you. Keep encouraging her independence. and work on you - sounds like you need a plan for how you are going to manage and the things you can do for yourself. Good luck

I can relate to a point. Both my kids have gone to uni this year (daughter took 2 years out)

DD has worked and done a lot of travelling over the past 2 years which has done her the world of good although I do wonder if she has some undiagnosed ADD (disorganised / poor time keeping / flits from topic to topic / forgetful etc)

Both drink more than I would like too but hope this is a freshers thing and will ease off (cost more than anything)

Me and their dad are not together but amicable and communicate with each other about them .

I have not had much communicaton with either (son been there 10 days, daughter 3 weeks) I have just checked in eg how are lectures / people/ are you eating well etc?

Daughter is 3.5 hours away, son 1.5 hours .
Hope I can get to see each at least once before xmas. Their dad too.

It sounds odd but when they are not under your roof you worry less about them on nights out (I found this when kids were at their dad's) as do not expect them back.

Can you get Life 360 for phone - would she accept the idea?

I felt exactly like this - heartbroken- before my first went to uni and like you had been a helicopter parent. I found it got a lot easier when they actually left for uni. We got in a good routine of regular phone calls and made sure we planned in visits to take them out shopping and for lunch. life360 is a great shout (although only one of my children agreed to it). It will be okay and hopefully you will enjoy a bit of your own time.

@RumCaramel I think sometimes you've just got to prepare them as best they can and let them try. For example we had to do a lot of travel training with DS to be able to use public transport and we still need to be on the end of a phone in case it goes wrong. We encouraged him a little to start drinking cider at home so he would have some tolerance to alcohol, but he wasn't out socialising with friends other than the odd daytime trip to MacDs at that stage. But he has made a lot pf progress. He chose a small uni with a good reputation for SEN support and they helped him out at offer holder day and moving in day. He threw himself into the Freshers events and to everyone's surprise enjoyed them and started going out with other students (he gravitated to other ND and mature students rather than NT his age). In the second year he managed to get a pt job on campus which he did till he left. He had done volunteering in a local museum at home due to inability to find paid work - that might be worth your DD exploring. As for me, I never completely stop worrying (he has just passed his driving test and now I worry about him driving on his own). But I did gradually adjust. It has been easier with DD who is a lot more independent but like yours has had a very limited social life at home, mainly going to pubs with us (we made a pub quiz team with some friends of ours) and occasionally out to Spoons or the cinema with a friend. She had a gap year and worked locally but it did take ages to find work, initially that was through a friend then she did manage to get a second job that did help her confidence. It's early days at uni yet but she seems ok so far. I worry about spiking, that sort of thing for both of them. There's always something. But I really did start enjoying the times when DS was away and I am sure I will with DD.

@Hdpr yes, I definitely do need a plan for me! I feel like it's all been about dd for the past 18 years and I honestly won't know what to do with myself when she goes.

@JenKibuble I can understand that might be easier eventually. Life 360 I'm not sure about. I've actually never had a tracker on dd's phone, as I always thought that could exacerbate my anxiety and worry. I think id be checking it constantly, so it was a conscious, sometimes difficult decision not to have it. That said, I am becoming a bit more tempted now, so that I don't bother her too much with texts.. I am concerned about glitches in signal and updates, if the phone is stolen etc, as I know I'd go straight into panic mode. Do you use 360 yourself?

@petproject thank you. I really hope I feel the same!

@ExquisitelyDecorating sounds like yours are both thriving now 😊 Do you know if unis generally offer SN support, even without a diagnosis? Support generally looks good at dds, especially for settling in, but not sure specifically about SN. My dd also comes to the pub a lot with us! I do worry about it sometimes and think she shouldn't be wanting to do this so much now, but she does and we can't not invite her. I do think it helps a bit with her social anxiety actually, as she doesn't always like crowds and lots of noise, which it often is there, so good practice perhaps. Obviously it would be better if she was doing that with friends more. You're absolutely right, there is always something and I know that to an extent, the worry will never go. Maybe just shift.

@RumCaramel there are different types of support. Student finance fund something called Disabled Students Allowance which isn't an allowance of money but a package to support their specific disabilities but you do need diagnoses or (I think)!a GP letter providing evidence of need for this. The unis can provide things like extra time in exams if they've had it before and will usually have a department for disability support, you really need to be contacting them in advance or your DD does. If she has ticked on her application that you can speak to the uni on her behalf you can do this but otherwise she has to. Have you been to an open day at her chosen uni? You can usually speak to them there or there might be contact details on the website.

@ExquisitelyDecorating yes, my dd does already have extra time during exams, so that should just roll over. We have been to an open day and are actually due to go to another soon, so hoping we can ask more specific questions this time. The first visit was much more centred around looking around the campus and the accomdation. I have been thinking about going private this year to get her an official diagnosis actually, as it sounds like it might open some doors for her now. It's not something she's really needed before, as she has only needed minimal support.

What does she think about diagnosis? It's her decision as she's 18. Private or right to choose through the GP would be the way to go, normal NHS waits are very long.

Of course! She already refers to herself as being on the spectrum actually and we have discussed on and off the prospect of getting her an official diagnosis. I guess we just need to have the conversation again.

Hi op. I have an also undiagnosed on the spectrum dd and you're pretty much describing our lives when talking about you and your dd. I'm a few years behind you but I just wanted to say how amazing it is you've got her to this point. Yes she's put in the school work and is obviously a bright girl but the environment you've created for her at home, accepting her for who she is, being her safe place - that's exactly why she's now able to fly the nest. What an awesome achievement. I would give everything to know one day I might be writing a similar post about her <3

My girls (twins) are 34 now but I remember it very well when they both went to Uni on the same weekend.

The year before they went I would be in floods of tears at the thought of it. The reality wasn’t actually too bad at it! It was thinking about it beforehand that was the problem. When it happened it was strangely ok.

Think about the alternative. If she was at home with you and not making that leap. That would be so much worse.

I spent a lot of time dreading our eldest leaving for uni. The reality was far easier than I could’ve imagined. When the next one went, we had an empty nest for the first time in 20+ years and it was bloody fantastic. Just me and my husband again, enjoying each other’s company so much.

Those years at uni are amazing, and over so very quickly. Focus on being excited for her and remember the most important things we give our children are roots and also wings.

It’s ok to be sad and wistful.
But for DD you need to turn her experience around - be excited for her, despite her barriers and uncertainties, she’s done incredibly well to get into the university of her choice. She’s got a wonderful adventure ahead of her and a chance to make new friends and have fun!
Don’t let her pick up on your despair, or she’ll begin to doubt herself and it will feel very easy to rush to pick her up and bring her home at the first hurdle or tears.

The thing is, she will, one day, need to cope alone & it’s part of your job to let go & help her survive alone.
Maybe, she wont cope at uni, maybe she will latch on to some dud bf, maybe she will fly, or even complete & then return home to you & never leave again.

I miss my 2 kids so much now they are adults, but I also love the freedom ! Although it took time !

My husband’s niece never left home, never had a bf, albeit a beautiful intelligent girl. She eventually learned to drive, at around 40, but ended up buying a car which her parents used to taxi her about.
She must now be over 60, She is always with her mother.
I once said to her mother, you should get her into some clubs; walking, yoga, sport, music, choral, anything that means she can create new friendships & help her potentially to meet a partner etc. Her mother replied “I like having her at home. I’d miss her”. The niece is now socially inept & virtually mute, ( maybe not at home, but who would know?)

Not only will you get used to it, you will enjoy it after a while. I know you don't believe me, but I promise you, you will. Remember, you were a whole person before you had children, and once you don't have those immediate responsibilities anymore, you will find yourself again. I would make sure you book a holiday for after she goes. Something for you to focus on.

Has she considered doing volunteer work? A day week in a shop, a local guides unit? A swim club helper? A horse riding stable? It’s a good way to build life confidence and can lead to paid work. I’m mum to two DDs who are ND one with and one without diagnosis and doing volunteer work linked to a club has been very beneficial for life / social skills development. Now my eldest DD also on a gap year is working 2 jobs plus sports and the change in her social / life skills is really showing.