Dealing with guilt and sadness if I stop trying for a second child

TheNeverEndingOver · 2025-09-22T06:41:18+00:00

I'm currently having my sixth miscarriage. We have one DC who is 4, and have since had five miscarriages in a row (having had one miscarriage before DC was born). I've had two D&C surgeries and may need a third for this current pregnancy. I'm 41. I don't know if I can go on, but I am plagued by this huge guilt that they will be an only child. I know it's ridiculous, and there is nothing wrong with being an only child, but I've also had comments from family members (mainly his side), about not 'giving up hope' and 'DC will be alone'. It makes me feel selfish if we stop trying, and also sad for DC not to have any siblings/blood nieces and nephews in future. Has anyone been through the same?

Scorpion84 · 22/09/2025 07:46

You're not being ridiculous. I went through 6 recurrent miscarriages and it very nearly broke me . I did have another child in the end but it definitely has left some scars mentally .

only you know if you can carry on . X

MummySleepDeprived · 22/09/2025 07:47

Yes. DS is 4. I'm 42. 12 years of infertility with one successful IVF and several duds. I have never had a hint of a line without intervention despite things being normal range- "unexplained"

Been doing acupuncture and just had a Hycosy and that is the end. At the Hycosy they said my fibroids were gone and everything clear, many follicles and a big one ready.

I'm two days late and it's killing me because I'm not pregnant (tests, temps) and the being late just feels cruel.

A few months post Hycosy, we are getting rid of all the baby stuff and drawing a line under it.

You have my sympathies.

Original poster

TheNeverEndingOver · 22/09/2025 07:54

MummySleepDeprived · 22/09/2025 07:47

Yes. DS is 4. I'm 42. 12 years of infertility with one successful IVF and several duds. I have never had a hint of a line without intervention despite things being normal range- "unexplained"

Been doing acupuncture and just had a Hycosy and that is the end. At the Hycosy they said my fibroids were gone and everything clear, many follicles and a big one ready.

I'm two days late and it's killing me because I'm not pregnant (tests, temps) and the being late just feels cruel.

A few months post Hycosy, we are getting rid of all the baby stuff and drawing a line under it.

You have my sympathies.

Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry it's been so hard—fertility is such a cruel journey. I keep thinking about clearing the baby stuff too; it's just piling up in the loft with no use. I imagine it's very difficult for you, I am sorry

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Allswellthatendswelll · 22/09/2025 08:02

So so sorry for your loss. @

The members of your family are hugely out of order! I'd be livid.

We had issues conceiving a second and we did and it's lovely BUT it made me realise had we stuck at one DS would have been absolutely fine. There a quite a few onlys in his class and it is becoming more and more common these days. As for nieces and nephews you could easily have a sibling who doesn't have children- again becoming much more common.

In the end the most important thing for your child is having a happy parent so you must do what is best for you.

SherlockHolmess · 22/09/2025 08:10

I’m so sorry for your losses OP.

I think I know a little bit of how you feel - I had a TFMR last October and have been trying since with no luck. Irregular periods (perimenopause possibly but bloods are normal) making it very hard to even know when I’m ovulating. I’m 42. We have DS who’s 4 and is an absolute joy but I’m not ‘done’ and I would feel awful for him being an only child. I’m an only and I hate it.

Sorry I’ve got no positivity for you but I just wanted to say I hear you. Wishing you a speedy recovery from the D&C. Good luck and all the best xx

Teachingagain · 22/09/2025 08:17

Lots of people don’t get on with their siblings and would have been happier as an only child. I wouldn’t assume being an only is a negative.

Original poster

TheNeverEndingOver · 22/09/2025 08:25

SherlockHolmess · 22/09/2025 08:10

I’m so sorry for your losses OP.

I think I know a little bit of how you feel - I had a TFMR last October and have been trying since with no luck. Irregular periods (perimenopause possibly but bloods are normal) making it very hard to even know when I’m ovulating. I’m 42. We have DS who’s 4 and is an absolute joy but I’m not ‘done’ and I would feel awful for him being an only child. I’m an only and I hate it.

Sorry I’ve got no positivity for you but I just wanted to say I hear you. Wishing you a speedy recovery from the D&C. Good luck and all the best xx

Thank you. I’m really sorry for everything you’ve been through — the TFMR must have been awful. I feel the same about my 4-year-old. The family just feels incomplete to me, and I know if I make the decision to stop, I'll need to do some 'work' around the mindset/acceptance of this all. Wishing you all the best x

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Matildahoney · 22/09/2025 08:33

I'm at this stage at the moment, I've just had my 2nd MC at 42, we're questioning what the right decision is.
With age it's only going to get more difficult, my MH needs to be the best or can be for DS, he's here and deserves the best I can give him. But I'm not quite ready to make a permanent decision yet.
All I can add is I'm an only and it's never been an issue, I have a much older half brother and half sister, none of us speak to each other, they weren't around when I was a child. I've never felt lonely, I've never wished for siblings, my cousin's all lived 2hrs away growing up.
I think there's a weird stigma around being an only when there's nothing wrong with it. Your child gets your undivided attention, what more can they want?!
One of friends chose to be one and done, she has no regrets.

Handeyethingyowl · 22/09/2025 08:36

So sorry for your loss. Not feeling ‘done’ is a really complex emotion that is hard to explain and is heightened by each loss. It is not your family going through this, and you have nothing to feel guilty about because all kids really want is a present and loving parent which you are. Nobody could blame you for drawing a line under it for your own mental health. What I found helpful was throwing my planning energy into all the nice things I could do with my existing DC instead.

Original poster

TheNeverEndingOver · 22/09/2025 08:41

Matildahoney · 22/09/2025 08:33

I'm at this stage at the moment, I've just had my 2nd MC at 42, we're questioning what the right decision is.
With age it's only going to get more difficult, my MH needs to be the best or can be for DS, he's here and deserves the best I can give him. But I'm not quite ready to make a permanent decision yet.
All I can add is I'm an only and it's never been an issue, I have a much older half brother and half sister, none of us speak to each other, they weren't around when I was a child. I've never felt lonely, I've never wished for siblings, my cousin's all lived 2hrs away growing up.
I think there's a weird stigma around being an only when there's nothing wrong with it. Your child gets your undivided attention, what more can they want?!
One of friends chose to be one and done, she has no regrets.

Thank you for this - the part around being an only is really helpful. I actually don't really like my brother, ha, so I do remind myself of that.

"With age it's only going to get more difficult, my MH needs to be the best or can be for DS, he's here and deserves the best I can give him. But I'm not quite ready to make a permanent decision yet." - This is exactly how I feel. I also feel that all these pregnancies/losses are impacting my time with my current DC. It's so hard. Each time I think 'we'll just try one more time'. And that's turned into three more times.

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passmeaglass · 22/09/2025 08:43

My perspective is a bit different I’m 42 DH is 50 this year and DS is 3. We’d have loved to have a second as we both have siblings but felt we were too old at the point of starting a family so only really planned and expected to have one. We met each other later in life. We’re a happy family unit of 3 now. It’s like anything if you decide you’re done then you need to go through a grieving process for what you thought you wanted/would happen before you can accept it and move on.

Original poster

TheNeverEndingOver · 22/09/2025 08:47

Handeyethingyowl · 22/09/2025 08:36

So sorry for your loss. Not feeling ‘done’ is a really complex emotion that is hard to explain and is heightened by each loss. It is not your family going through this, and you have nothing to feel guilty about because all kids really want is a present and loving parent which you are. Nobody could blame you for drawing a line under it for your own mental health. What I found helpful was throwing my planning energy into all the nice things I could do with my existing DC instead.

Thank you - this was so helpful. It actually made me cry. Thank you

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Mumofsoontobe3 · 22/09/2025 08:50

So sorry about your losses OP. Praying for a sticky baby for you both but please don't feel guilty if you choose not to try again. An only child is not a lonely child. I had 3 back to back misscarriges and I was broken. I chose to carry on but it wasn't an easy decision x

TonTonMacoute · 22/09/2025 08:51

I was in your position OP.

We tried for a second using IUI (I didn’t think I could face IVF). I had read that if it didn’t work after 3 cycles then it was unlikely to succeed at all. So after 3 tries, 2 pregnancies and 2 miscarriages I gave up.

It is not selfish to have an only child, especially as it’s not your choice. It might be more selfish to miss part of your child’s development because of fixating on trying to conceive another child and being stressed and unhappy.

It is not easy to put this behind you, but you owe it to your child and your own mental health, to do just that. Time helps (I also found acupuncture really helped me)

Life is way easier once you accept the reality.

DontGoJasonWaterfalls · 22/09/2025 09:00

I'm so sorry for your loss OP and for what sounds like a really hard road you've been on.

I just wanted to offer another positive voice about having an only child; DD is 11 and has consistently told us since she was about 6 that she does not want a sibling. She loves that she is an only, and we love being able to pour all of our available time and resources and love into her. She has a great social life and gets along beautifully with children of all ages, but is also very content to be alone with her thoughts.

I never, ever thought I'd embrace and accept "one and done" life, but once you get your head around it, it's wonderful.

Sending you lots of love and best wishes for whatever you decide your next steps look like ❤️

Original poster

TheNeverEndingOver · 22/09/2025 09:07

DontGoJasonWaterfalls · 22/09/2025 09:00

I'm so sorry for your loss OP and for what sounds like a really hard road you've been on.

I just wanted to offer another positive voice about having an only child; DD is 11 and has consistently told us since she was about 6 that she does not want a sibling. She loves that she is an only, and we love being able to pour all of our available time and resources and love into her. She has a great social life and gets along beautifully with children of all ages, but is also very content to be alone with her thoughts.

I never, ever thought I'd embrace and accept "one and done" life, but once you get your head around it, it's wonderful.

Sending you lots of love and best wishes for whatever you decide your next steps look like ❤️

Thank you very much, that was really helpful. Thanks for taking the time to share, it sounds like you have a lovely daughter xx

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Shayisgreat · 22/09/2025 09:07

I'm 40 and have had 3 miscarriages. I think it's probably not going to happen now. You're very strong to keep trying!

My DS6 keeps asking when he's going to have a brother and I've told him that he probably won't have one as I'm probably too old now. However, apparently, my MIL has told him that I'm not too old to have another so he seems to be holding out hope. I'm very cross with MIL but in fairness to her, she doesn't know anything about the miscarriages.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being an only child and I'm refusing to feel guilty about something I can't help anyway.

Star458 · 22/09/2025 09:09

I wish I'd been an only. I have an only and he is so glad not to have siblings. I'm dreading having to sort out my parents estate with my sibling, I'd much rather do it just with my husband. I don't speak to my sibling but I'm not 'alone' because i have a husband, a child and friends. When and why would your child be 'alone'?

Original poster

TheNeverEndingOver · 22/09/2025 09:13

Shayisgreat · 22/09/2025 09:07

I'm 40 and have had 3 miscarriages. I think it's probably not going to happen now. You're very strong to keep trying!

My DS6 keeps asking when he's going to have a brother and I've told him that he probably won't have one as I'm probably too old now. However, apparently, my MIL has told him that I'm not too old to have another so he seems to be holding out hope. I'm very cross with MIL but in fairness to her, she doesn't know anything about the miscarriages.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being an only child and I'm refusing to feel guilty about something I can't help anyway.

People say ridiculous things...that is outrageous. I feel angry for you! I wish people just wouldn't comment on anything to do with others' family sizes/family planning.

I'm so sorry about your miscarriages. It must be so hard having a child who asks for a sibling. Mine has only asked once, and asked on the same night as 'why don't I have a grandfather?' just to add to the occasion! You are so right about not feeling guilty about something you can't help - I need to remind myself of this.

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WimpoleHat · 22/09/2025 09:15

I’m an only child. I don’t like it much as adult. But my DH is one of three and he didn’t like that much as a child or as an adult. My two kids get on brilliantly, but I’m aware there were no guarantees with that….. So - my advice would be l
to let those thoughts of guilt go. Apart from anything else, you may well just end up feeling guilty that you spoiled your enjoyment of your son’s childhood in the battle for another possible child. i have had a couple of friends in your position; one of whom took the decision just to feel lucky with the child she had and enjoy that - and another who kept going. And she did eventually have another child, but it wasn’t really the experience she’d strived for (a 10 year gap meant they weren’t a “sibling unit” in the way she’d wanted). I think my friend who just decided to focus on the benefits of one was much happier in the end; she makes the most of the benefits of one while being aware of the potential pitfalls (and organises loads of company for her DS). But whatever you do - you have nothing to feel guilty about….

Mossssy · 22/09/2025 09:15

I think with any decision like this I try to think of what I will regret most later in life. For me this matters more than going through some tough stuff in the short term.

So when you are sixty years old, which will you regret more?

not trying again and sticking with one child.
trying again and possibly being unsuccessful, leading to potential emotional/mental struggles, but feeling like you 'gave it your best shot' as it were.

It's so personal that I wouldn't want to say what I would do myself in your position. But I would use thought processes like this to help make the decision.

Original poster

TheNeverEndingOver · 22/09/2025 09:31

Mossssy · 22/09/2025 09:15

I think with any decision like this I try to think of what I will regret most later in life. For me this matters more than going through some tough stuff in the short term.

So when you are sixty years old, which will you regret more?

not trying again and sticking with one child.
trying again and possibly being unsuccessful, leading to potential emotional/mental struggles, but feeling like you 'gave it your best shot' as it were.

It's so personal that I wouldn't want to say what I would do myself in your position. But I would use thought processes like this to help make the decision.

Thank you x

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Sooty19831 · 22/09/2025 11:02

My heart goes out to you, you must be absolutely heartbroken and numb even. Am currently going through the same and am 42 however a 3rd consecutive loss not 5 and even 6, I do not know how you have kept going but completely understand the lets try one more time feeling. The only child debate has raged in my head for far too long. Kate Lawler recently posted about it on Instagram and I really take comfort in a lot of the comments. For various reasons I think it’s time for me to close the door on this but I wish you all the best for whatever you decide to do. Will be thinking of you in the coming days and weeks ahead x

Absentosaur · 22/09/2025 11:04

Teachingagain · 22/09/2025 08:17

Lots of people don’t get on with their siblings and would have been happier as an only child. I wouldn’t assume being an only is a negative.

Exactly.

Original poster

TheNeverEndingOver · 22/09/2025 14:15

Sooty19831 · 22/09/2025 11:02

My heart goes out to you, you must be absolutely heartbroken and numb even. Am currently going through the same and am 42 however a 3rd consecutive loss not 5 and even 6, I do not know how you have kept going but completely understand the lets try one more time feeling. The only child debate has raged in my head for far too long. Kate Lawler recently posted about it on Instagram and I really take comfort in a lot of the comments. For various reasons I think it’s time for me to close the door on this but I wish you all the best for whatever you decide to do. Will be thinking of you in the coming days and weeks ahead x

Thank you so much, those were really kind words, I appreciate it so much. It is hard; the 'one more shot' mentality is definitely getting weaker now. I feel a lot less hopeful.

I'm so sorry for all your losses. I'm going to look up the Kate Lawler post, thank you xx

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