Really need some help getting myself together

[MelvinThePenguin]

I’m 38, have the loveliest, most supportive DH and 2 happy, healthy DC aged 8 and 10. Our household income is high, with loads of disposable income (some is saved and some spent on incredible holidays). I work 3 days a week in a senior role, having Mondays and Fridays off. Idyllic!

Except I am always extremely tired and, even though I know what I should be doing to look after myself, I just can’t seem to do it.

I go to bed too late for what my body needs (11-12pm, getting up at 6:45-7:00 on a weekday), spend Monday and Friday afternoons napping and often struggle to get out of bed before the afternoon on weekends. I stay up because I crave downtime when the kids are in bed.

I don’t eat properly during the daytime on weekdays, despite making my kids home baked packed lunches. I just can’t be bothered for myself and my weight is a little higher than I’d like (though right in the middle of the healthy range). I get short term energy from far too much chocolate.

I don’t exercise. I just can’t motivate myself.

Things I’ve got going for me:
-A new hobby with an active element that I’m starting in October. It’s a commitment I will have to stick to for 3 months, or else I’ll let others down

Some complications:
-Iron deficiency
-A chronic pain condition that is well controlled, but occasionally flares, and is made unbearable by iron supplements (which means I don’t take them)
-Low level but persistent general anxiety, which is spiralling right now because planning permission has recently been granted for a development that will have a significant noise impact on my home (and I’ve run out of avenues to challenge this).

I’m just a bit of a mess on a very personal level, I don’t really have an excuse for it and I can’t drag myself out of it.

Any suggestions?!

I sympathise , I’ve been there! What I suggest is setting yourself small achievable targets. Don’t try to do everything at once or write yourself lists. Focus on one thing at a time. So perhaps think about how you can increase the iron intake in your diet and plan out a weeks meals which are healthy and iron rich. Do you have a partner? If so, get them cooking as well. Go to bed an hour earlier and read rather than watch tv. It’s less draining. Set yourself a target to walk for half an hour a day , maybe in your lunch hour. Pick one thing and stick at it for a month. Then introduce another thing. Keep a journal of how you are feeling and what is working. Don’t beat yourself up for failures, celebrate the successes. Even small things will make a difference . Also, learn to meditate.

I am a bit like this OP and it was pointed out to me I have days of overdoing (where I do 3 loads of washing, food shop, Declutter etc). Followed by a 2 or 3 day crash where I do the absolute bare minimum at home. Doesnt affect work so much. I still do this, but am more aware of it now, which has helped me not be so extreme in my productivity from day to day. It might not be what you are experiencing, but though it worth pointing out. All the best.

You sound like you might need some more time just for you, to potter or doze or read or just do nothing with no time pressure. Perhaps you could build that in to your plans when you start your new hobby. You have a lot going on and anticipating noise must be very stressful. Cold you give yourself Monday and Friday 12-4 for example to just do absolutely nothing?

I’m hearing a lot of self- blame in your post - I wonder if, on top of the anxiety, you’re depressed?

You say that you’re bit of a mess but you don’t have an excuse. But, you don’t need an excuse. You are who you are. Plus, you have 3 medical conditions, each one of which will make you tired (anxiety can be exhausting)

The tiredness sounds pretty extreme, so I would see a doctor to discuss it. Have all other causes been ruled out? Also, I would discuss whether you might be depressed with a doctor .

When you make the kids’ packed lunch, make an extra one for yourself. Or, take yourself out for a decent lunch somewhere really calm and relaxing. I also think that arranging a very quiet day out of the house eg at a spa? might be a good thing to try on one of your Mondays or Fridays. If this feels impossible because of tiredness, this definitely needs to be discussed with a doctor.

Do you have help in the house? If not, consider getting a cleaner, or any other help that would lighten your load. This would be a good use of some of your disposable income.

Most importantly, practice thinking of yourself with kindness and compassion, someone with a problem who needs help and taking care of.

As for the earlier nights, commit to going to bed earlier for one night but make it really pleasurable - nice bath, nice book before you put the light out - and see how you go. All the best to you x

Thanks so much, I was half expecting everyone to tell me to just pull myself together!

I’ve had depression before (very badly in my teens, as a result of a medication that didn’t agree with me at all, but it took a long time to realise) and this is different. Doesn’t mean it’s not manifesting in a different way though, I guess.

My GP prescribed iron for the tiredness, but that was more trouble than it was worth. It’s my bladder that causes the chronic pain (interstitial cystitis) and the impact of the iron on my bowel sets off my bladder.

I think sleep has to be my priority as a baby step. And maybe deleting all the reminders I’ve got set up on my phone for housework on a Monday and Friday! Might have to let some standards slide a bit for my sanity. I did have a cleaner, but hated it.

I’m going to update here (even if nobody reads it!) to keep myself on track.

Have a good and big breakfast! Delicious and with protein and sets you up for the day. Eggs on toast with spinach/chard and hallumi or something. Has wider repercussions on the whole day and energy and cravings etc

Start with two simple goals for the coming week- bed earlier and more exercise. The impact exercise has on sleep, mood, energy levels, everything really can not be underestimated. And not just a walk, proper exercise where your heart rate is up. Whether that be strength training, jogging/swimming, and see you how go from there

-Read Atomic Habits.
-Start the Organised Mum method for daily little jobs to keep on top of the housework.
-Look into other ways to up your iron (diet).
-Magnesium.

Most importantly though, be nicer to yourself.

Went to bed last night before 11, woke up 9am and out of bed by 10.

Made a huge batch of tomato and pasta soup for mine and my girls’ lunches. Enough for once a week for 5 weeks. Also made 4 weeks worth of date bars and blueberry muffins.

Have not had a nap and have done lots of singing with DDs.

A positive start, I think!

If you can't take artificial iron, you're going to have to get on it with your diet. That alone should make you feel better, speaking as a former anaemic.

What about steak night, a couple of times a week even? You can afford it and it's less faff than most meals, just serve with some broccoli and/or spinach on the side. Get yourself some dried apricots and/or nuts to snack on. They're also a good source of iron and as easy to reach for as chocolate.

For iron I use Simply Heme from Amazon..honestly zero stomach upset and you don’t need vitamin c or avoid tea/coffee either. I feel so much better taking a couple a day.

If you’re unable to find that item, look out for other heme supplements from a reputable company.

Went to bed last night before 11, woke up 9am and out of bed by 10.
Made a huge batch of tomato and pasta soup for mine and my girls’ lunches. Enough for once a week for 5 weeks. Also made 4 weeks worth of date bars and blueberry muffins.
Have not had a nap and have done lots of singing with DDs.
A positive start, I think!

I think that is a brilliant start.
My advice would be to get the health issues under control first and then do habit stacking which is what *Letmeoutodhere *Is saying.
Georg example get into the habit of a good e ending routine and relaxing habits before bed,once established have, for example a protein rich breakfast and so on. Baby steps will make you go far!!
Keep going!

Can you get the kids in bed by 7( youngest) and 7.30/8 ( eldest) then you have a couple of hours to unwind and get into bed by 10.

Wow, you’ve done brilliantly today! Hope you feel the benefits of all that lovely homemade food!

Oh, if only! Both go to bed between 8 and 9 and at the same time. The littlest is the biggest bundle of energy going, and doesn’t need the sleep. They both also do an activity up to twice a week that doesn’t finish until 8 or sometimes 8:30 and I absolutely can’t stop that.

I forgot to add that I’m vegetarian- so no steak!

Off to bed now :-)

That’s very late for your youngest. Mine were always in bed at 7 until about 9 and even then 8 was latest. Take your clocks away and tell them it’s time. Will brazier when clocks go back. You’re in charge .They do t have to sleep but they can be in bed reading and quiet.

I hear you. I feel like im always ill with one thing or another. Never quite 100%. Still able to work and do what’s needed but just never well enough to feel totally motivated or in control. I drink too much which I’m actively trying to cut back on because like you, I crave that downtime in the evening.

Your symptoms could all be iron deficiency related. Have you explored an iron infusion rather than supplements? One off, works quickly, absorbed differently.

You should find out what's causing the iron deficiency. If it's diet you will need to make adjustments, it won't get better without action.

2 things. If you don’t want to look at your kids bedtimes it doesn’t mean you need to be present after 7:30 on the nights they don’t have a late activity. They can be in their rooms pottering or reading.

I agree with the earlier poster re diet. What are you doing to get iron in your diet. How much do you know about absorbing iron as a vegetarian?

I have chronic pain and anxiety.

some iron supplements are nicer than others. I used to use spatone which is a liquid one. Maybe look at infusions as well?

as a veggie you could also look at working out what are naturally iron rich foods and including them more.

i found duloxetine helped with the anxiety.

be nice to yourself.

I could have written that - kids same age (except add in a 3 year old), finances same, health issues the same. Same days off even!

I have been SO much better this past year. Once you start looking after yourself and feeling good, it will snowball, so the October thing will be good.

Things that really helped me:

• sorting out my chronic inflammation - mood far better and chronic pain condition so much better I sometimes feel normal! Did this by: less sugar, more fresh air and movement, anti-inflammatory diet but not religiously, exercise but nothing extreme/inflammatory
• change of job - this one is obviously not necessarily doable for everyone but my job is now 1) something I love and 2) something I don’t have to bring home with me
• getting my nails done every few weeks - tricky as I always have 3 year old with me unless I’m at work but you don’t. Instantly made me stop picking my nails and I haven’t had a hangnail for month as they’re always done. I always used to have one short one or one broken one, always in pain!
• started couch 2 5 k with a friend and now that’s snowballing
• less social media, more reading

But not everything at once - once one thing is integrated you naturally subconsciously fancy adding other stuff into your life.

Also years ago I found Sertraline really helpful for anxiety, but don’t need to be on it anymore as it gave me the headspace to make life changes that also helped reduce the anxiety. I still get crazy rage around my period (had/have PMDD) but can handle it without the drugs now 💪🏻

Cabbage is really good for low iron. The boiled water is infused with vitamins, pour it into soups for the week.

Moderately bonkers suggestion for a grown up (I feel ridiculous using it) but I am getting on really well with a self care app called Finch. All the essential features are free, though there is a paid for version.

It basically gamifies looking after yourself but in a not-too-much-time-absorbed way. So e.g. you could set "go to before before 11" as a goal on it. And "eat an iron rich food" and "take a multivitamin" or whatever. And to start with just set small, achievable goals and then building them up as they become habitual. It's a silly thing really but I am of the mind that if it works, who cares. And I am finding it works.

Why are you going to bed so late. As a first step I’d be going to bed at 10 each night to try and make sure I got 8 hours sleep. Then build on that.