Really need some help getting myself together

[MelvinThePenguin]

I’m 38, have the loveliest, most supportive DH and 2 happy, healthy DC aged 8 and 10. Our household income is high, with loads of disposable income (some is saved and some spent on incredible holidays). I work 3 days a week in a senior role, having Mondays and Fridays off. Idyllic!

Except I am always extremely tired and, even though I know what I should be doing to look after myself, I just can’t seem to do it.

I go to bed too late for what my body needs (11-12pm, getting up at 6:45-7:00 on a weekday), spend Monday and Friday afternoons napping and often struggle to get out of bed before the afternoon on weekends. I stay up because I crave downtime when the kids are in bed.

I don’t eat properly during the daytime on weekdays, despite making my kids home baked packed lunches. I just can’t be bothered for myself and my weight is a little higher than I’d like (though right in the middle of the healthy range). I get short term energy from far too much chocolate.

I don’t exercise. I just can’t motivate myself.

Things I’ve got going for me:
-A new hobby with an active element that I’m starting in October. It’s a commitment I will have to stick to for 3 months, or else I’ll let others down

Some complications:
-Iron deficiency
-A chronic pain condition that is well controlled, but occasionally flares, and is made unbearable by iron supplements (which means I don’t take them)
-Low level but persistent general anxiety, which is spiralling right now because planning permission has recently been granted for a development that will have a significant noise impact on my home (and I’ve run out of avenues to challenge this).

I’m just a bit of a mess on a very personal level, I don’t really have an excuse for it and I can’t drag myself out of it.

Any suggestions?!

Please no more about my girls’ bedtimes. They are right for them. 8 year olds need 9-12 hours of sleep per night, depending on the child. My 8 year old gets 10-11. It really isn’t late for her. Any earlier and she’s crashing around her bed, looking out the window, building Lego…anything but sleeping. She ends up getting to sleep even later if she’s not going to bed tired. This is not the magic solution!

As you seem to be good at looking after your children’s’ diets, start eating what they eat. I did this and feel so much better for it. Then start adding exercise, keeping sleep hygiene etc just do one change until you feel comfortable to do the next. If you’re veggie you need to probably add/supplement protein. I felt like shit until I started upping my protein intake (I have a protein shake every morning with my kids) we all feel better and have less cravings for crap because we’ve started the day on every nutrient we could possibly need. Make your lunch, like you’ve done with the soup, every day with the kids ones and put aside for later so you don’t grab chocolate. I can’t bear not ever having treats so we all have our favourite treats on a Friday and anyone can hold them out over the weekend if they like. We all like different treats so it’s nice everyone gets their bundle when we’re all home from work/school/clubs, and I feel like it’s ok because we’ve eaten so healthily all week.

Start with sleep, I’d say. Poor sleep leads to poor food choices to get a boost, too much coffee etc. Maybe magnesium glycinate to help sleep? Ear plugs, eye mask, white noise etc if that helps. Black out blind, new pillow too if needed. And a bit earlier to bed every night, and go outside in the morning to get some natural light on your face.

Of course poor sleep can be a symptom of depression too. So …. definitely time for a GP appointment. You wouldn’t ignore your kids’ medical conditions, so you deserve the same care too!

Not bonkers at all! I’d already downloaded it! I’m using Rise at the moment as I’m focussing on sleep.

The iron thing is complex. GP thinks it’s most likely a combination of genetics (my Mum, not a vegetarian, has always suffered) and poor absorption. So when I add in iron, it’s just floating around (not the technical term) and likely contributes to increased inflammation. One of the therapies for my bladder condition is iron reduction! The pain is worse than the tiredness by a million miles.

I’ve noted other iron options, thank you. They are at the “try if absolutely necessary” end of the list.

A really simple thing to do is make sure everytime you eat something with iron in it you also eat some vitamin C. It helps significantly with iron absorption.

I have chronic health problems and the number one improvement for me was sorting out my diet.
As you have money I would find a good nutritional therapist and get them to help you
Even small changes can have a big impact.

This isn't a practical thing so much as a mental thing but - have you tried journalling? Of course it might just be another 'thing to do' on your list, but writing stuff down at the end of the day - or even whenever you have time - might help a little with getting stuff out of your head. Even if it's just a few jotted notes each day on how you feel and what's troubling you and what you feel has worked well.

Just never, ever, let your girls get their hands on it!

Thank you. I have to be careful with vitamin C too (damn bladder!) but there are some things I can tolerate.

I get you on the staying up late OP this is one habit I also can’t break as I need some time to myself to come down after a day with work and kids.

I agree with pp about Spatone as an iron supplement, I had the tablets after my first cesarean and the side effects were horrific to deal with alongside the surgical wound so after my second I refused the tablets and bought Spatone and not one single side effects, far gentler.

I would recommend the gym as my energy levels are through the roof since I started training but I think you need to get your diet and iron levels sorted first or you could make yourself ill. Gentle exercise could be a good start though.

Try and use one of your days off each week for a self care day, get your nails done or get a facial or massage or whatever it is you feel like and actually allow yourself to relax.

Taking care of yourself take so much effort but the people around you also feel the benefit when you are happier and have more energy.

You're doing the best you can with two competing conditions that have resulted in an unhappy compromise.
It might be that you just have to accept that, but I think I would throw a lot of energy and a bit of money at seeking a specialist medical opinion on that before accepting it, as the low iron will mean you feel like this always (I appreciate you might have already done this).
I like pottering and relaxing upstairs some evenings - go off duty with kids early a few nights a week, headphones on if necessary, lock the door - yoga, bath, podcasts, book, herbal tea, face masks, exfoliating, moisturizing, gazing out of the window. Make bed a sanctuary so you don't put it off, with a luxurious bedtime routine. TV up there if necessary.

Hello! I can relate to much of this, my friend sent this thread to me as she thought it sounded like me and there have been helpful tips 😂. I have a 2&5 yo so a bit younger but my 5yo notoriously fights sleep and doesn't tend to go to sleep till 8:30 earliest, and still needs me to lie with her to get her to sleep! I also have a chronic health condition related to inflammation and I have anxiety and suffer low iron often. I'm currently taking sertraline which has helped with the anxiety SO much. I'm also trying to sort out a therapist.

For my health condition I sought out a nutritional therapist and this was super helpful. I was desperate as the GP/ hospital solutions weren't helping. I ended up spending a lot of money, trying loads of supplements, diets, etc and seeing a few diff people but the amalgamation of it all has definitely helped and I'm on the mend although it's slow. Id HIGHLY recommend seeking someone out. Not sure if you're near London but the London centre for functional medicine is good or something similar.

Re iron, I would never now take the tablets you get from the GP as they're awful but this doesn't mean you can't take something gentler. You really need to sort this. Low iron will likely prevent you from having the energy to make the changes you need to. Trust me I know this. As others have said spatone is good, as is floridix. You need a natural food source basically as this would be less likely to affect your bladder badly too. I currently take the Thorne ferrasorb capsules as these contain a very gentle iron plus a little vitamin c and b12 and folate. The wild nutrition supplements could be good too as food grown.

Another option is adding spirulina to smoothies every day as this is v high in iron.

Just wanted to drop those suggestions in and say you're not alone. Good luck! I'm hoping same for me that once I start sorting a few things the rest will fall into place.

Not RTFT so apologies if this has already been suggested, but I highly recommend herbal iron supplements. They are far gentler on the stomach than NHS prescribed. Floradix liquid is fast acting, or their capsules of slow release grains are excellent. Vit C helps absorb iron, so you could take one with a cup of cranberry tea or juice in the morning which is also good for cystitis.

Iron deficiency makes you so tired, so please don't feel bad about needing naps.

I felt like this when I was deficient in iron. I also started taking vitamin C, vitamin D, magnesium, B12 and creatine. Also eating better and going to the gym before starting work. I think not having the energy to exercise is a bit of a vicious cycle - sometimes you need to push through and do what you can and you'll probably find that you feel more energetic (and sleep better) as a result.

I still have days where I 'crash' (I have a very hectic life - single parent to 3 kids and a stressful full time job) - but overall my energy levels are much higher and much more stable.

Thank you all, so much, I’m really glad I posted. I’m sorry that others have / are experiencing similar but it’s good to hear the positive stories.

I am noting all the iron suggestions.

I can’t have cranberry, unfortunately. Interstitial cystitis is different from cystitis and involves permanent damage to the bladder lining, and in some cases like mine, ulceration. Likely caused by some sort of autoimmune issue for me, but nobody really knows. So acidic foods are not my friend. Thank goodness I can manage tomatoes as lots of IC sufferers can’t, and they are such a staple in my diet.

I’ve just had my soup, which had lots of chickpeas in it for protein, and despite taking ages to get to sleep last night, I’m still going. I haven’t done my usual housework, but have done wardrobe sorting and sitting down to mend a few ripped stitches etc. Productive without being exhausting.

If you’re veggie and having iron issues I’m wondering whether you’ve tried taking B12 supplements? They might be easier on your bladder than iron and they increase absorption….

I haven’t. Thank you.