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Original poster

Expectations regarding socialising, what is the norm?

46 replies

Rezie · 19/09/2025 19:52

Sorry, terrible headline.

I’ve been reading Reddit and Mumsnet to see what others say about socialising, both individually and as a couple. Up until now, I thought my expectations were pretty mainstream, but after reading a bunch of different threads, I feel like I might just be very clueless. Are people online more asocial than the average person or am I really off base?

I am assuming there hasn’t been a major falling out or anything.

I’ve always been taught that you show up for family and special events unless you have a genuine conflict. If it’s my gran’s 90th birthday, I’ll be there because I appreciate her and it means a lot to her. I don’t stop to ask myself if I feel like going. Is attending my goddaughter’s birthday my favourite thing in the world? No, but I still go. I’ll make small talk and have some cake. I love looking at old photos and seeing my aunties and uncles celebrating with me. I show up for weddings, funerals, graduations and milestone birthdays. If someone needs help, I try to be there.

I also feel that when you are in an established relationship, you go with your partner to important events. Skipping a Sunday lunch is fine, but I think you should show up for the big things as your partner’s plus one, whether it is their family or friends. I also think it is nice to attend some of the smaller events from time to time, even if they are not your favourite, like Easter dinner or a New Year’s party.

Based on what I have read online, it seems like my expectations might be too high and that I am too enmeshed with my family. There is this idea that there is no need to go to weddings, no right to expect anyone to show up for you and that it is unfair to expect a partner to come as a plus one. Home is viewed as a sanctuary and a guest-free zone. Having overnight guests is seen as crossing a boundary. Asking to come for an overnight visit is considered being a CF. Going to see the in-laws for the weekend a few times a year is considered too much.

Obviously, everyone is different, but I read about a dozen threads and hundreds of comments and I guess I am just wondering if this is the norm?

OP posts:
Mandarinaduck · 19/09/2025 19:54

I agree with you 100%.

AmyDuPlantier · 19/09/2025 19:54

I’m with you. But on MN there is a lot of boundaries talk, and how an invite is just that and not a summons, and saying no to stuff that would seem so obviously a given in the real world.

From which I deduce: people talk absolute shite online. In the real world people behave politely and as if they’re part of a society.

Iguessicoulddothat · 19/09/2025 19:55

You sound normal!

If you're got awful family then set boundaries but otherwise you show up for people, and hope they do the same for you.

Im not cancelling existing plans if the inlaws ask us over but otherwise I'll be there.

I'm pretty introverted, but its basic manners.

BendingSpoons · 19/09/2025 20:01

I agree with you. I don't particularly like staying at PILs but we go for a couple of nights every school holiday because it's DH's family who he wants to see, plus the kids enjoy it. I'm always a bit surprised about the number of people who insist on 'nuclear family only' at Christmas. I get everyone's situation is different, but I know very few people in real life who spend Christmas day just with the people in their household by choice. (Some do for practical reasons, which is different).

An acquaintance of mine expressed her regret to me that my parents live far away and so aren't on hand if needed/easy to socialise with lots. They live a 15 min drive away and we see them several times a month.

Original poster
Rezie · 19/09/2025 20:01

Iguessicoulddothat · 19/09/2025 19:55

You sound normal!

If you're got awful family then set boundaries but otherwise you show up for people, and hope they do the same for you.

Im not cancelling existing plans if the inlaws ask us over but otherwise I'll be there.

I'm pretty introverted, but its basic manners.

Don't get me started on using introversion as a reason never having to do anything. One commenter actually said that thet it was acceptable reason for the dad to never take their child to a public setting.

OP posts:
Pandorea · 19/09/2025 20:03

I think you’re normal. MN is weird about Christmas often as well - it’s ok to leave elderly parents alone to have your special Christmas with the two of you and your baby. And ok not to let anyone see your baby for a month after birth.

Original poster
Rezie · 19/09/2025 20:05

AmyDuPlantier · 19/09/2025 19:54

I’m with you. But on MN there is a lot of boundaries talk, and how an invite is just that and not a summons, and saying no to stuff that would seem so obviously a given in the real world.

From which I deduce: people talk absolute shite online. In the real world people behave politely and as if they’re part of a society.

Edited

Invitation is not a summons, but do people really think you can just RSVP no and still expect to have a relationship with the person and no censequences? I mean, sure if it is someone you don't really care about. But are you gonna RSVP no to a friends wedding without a good excuse and expect an invite to the annual new years party?

OP posts:
Esperanza25 · 19/09/2025 20:08

I completely agree with you too!

shellyleppard · 19/09/2025 20:11

My favourite line from "the middle" comedy series.... family takes care of family. I'll always try and show up for parties and celebrations if I can x

ThreePears · 19/09/2025 20:19

I suspect that the majority of the threads on MN (and elsewhere) about this topic have been started by people who may well have a difficult relationship with some other family members to negotiate, and have a tricky situation to deal with, hence them asking for advice.

So they aren't really representative on the whole.

Geiirksns · 19/09/2025 20:22

I’m with you especially about going to partners stuff - lots of it I wouldn’t choose but I love him so I do it for him. Same with parties and christenings etc; if I don’t go it’s a fair indication that the person is not that important to me

Truetoself · 19/09/2025 20:23

@Reziei wish there were more people like you around!

manicpixieschemegirl · 19/09/2025 20:23

No, you’re totally normal. I’ve always been baffled by the attitudes to extended family and friends on Mumsnet especially when the same people then complain about not having a support network. If you want a village, you also have to be a villager.

Squirrelblanket · 19/09/2025 20:24

Surely it depends on your individual relationships with people? So for example, I'll try to make events for people who are close/important to me, but I wouldn't see anything wrong about declining an invite to a wedding for a cousin that I haven't seen or spoken to in years which is hundreds of miles away because 'family'. And me and my husband will attend things together, but equally if it's something the other person wouldn't enjoy, we don't feel obligated to go everywhere together because we're not joined at the hip.

It doesn't have to be one thing or the other. I honestly find it more weird when people will literally go to the opening of an envelope and have to be accompanied by their partner to everything.

Lollytea655 · 19/09/2025 20:27

I think it depends on your family to be honest. Me & my family are like you & yours OP, we all show up for each other, big or small, go out of our way to help each other and genuinely enjoy spending that time together, we really love & appreciate each other.

We are the same with my husband’s grandfather, visit regularly, he visits us, I have a lot of time for him and we always accept his invites just as he accepts ours.

The rest of my husband’s family though is a completely different story and after many years, many attempts, many arguments & many tears there are now quite firm boundaries in place.

Original poster
Rezie · 19/09/2025 20:29

Pandorea · 19/09/2025 20:03

I think you’re normal. MN is weird about Christmas often as well - it’s ok to leave elderly parents alone to have your special Christmas with the two of you and your baby. And ok not to let anyone see your baby for a month after birth.

All of us "kids" have partners who have lost the other parent. We always make sure nobody is alone. It meant that my brother didn't spend christmas with us for 15 years. Or my other brother doesn't (always) spend christmas with his wife. People are always shocked about it but for us it is not that big of a deal. They have 363 days to spend together.

OP posts:
redskydelight · 19/09/2025 20:33

Threads on MN are generally from people who have poor relationships with family members and are treated badly by them, and are torn between the conflict of "expectation" and putting themselves into a toxic situation.

To use your example
If it’s my gran’s 90th birthday, I’ll be there because I appreciate her and it means a lot to her. I don’t stop to ask myself if I feel like going.

Now imagine it's your gran's 90th birthday; you don't really like her as she is always critical and nasty to you, and she's likely to complain if you go (and complain more if you don't). Should you be obliged to go just because she's "family"?

Original poster
Rezie · 19/09/2025 20:36

ThreePears · 19/09/2025 20:19

I suspect that the majority of the threads on MN (and elsewhere) about this topic have been started by people who may well have a difficult relationship with some other family members to negotiate, and have a tricky situation to deal with, hence them asking for advice.

So they aren't really representative on the whole.

Due to personal reasons the threads were mainly about partners not wanting to socialise or the asocial partner complaining that their partner wants them to attend. People were mainly bringing up their introversion. Difficult relationship with family would be understandable reason.

OP posts:
ShesTheAlbatross · 19/09/2025 20:43

Rezie · 19/09/2025 20:05

Invitation is not a summons, but do people really think you can just RSVP no and still expect to have a relationship with the person and no censequences? I mean, sure if it is someone you don't really care about. But are you gonna RSVP no to a friends wedding without a good excuse and expect an invite to the annual new years party?

Show quote history

I suppose there are always going to be differing views on what’s constitutes a “good reason”. How much money would a wedding have to cost you (travel & accommodation) before it’s a good reason to say you can’t go? How much annual leave? There’s no right answer to that. So someone might get in a huff and say “they didn’t come to my wedding and didn’t have a good reason!” while the other person might say “I didn’t want to spend £1000 on travel and a hotel, so I said no, and I think that’s a perfectly good reason”.

Crushed23 · 19/09/2025 20:54

I love socialising and celebrate anything and everything. It’s not really the events I’m fussy about so much as the people. I’m very picky with who I spend my time with. But then I will show up for that person, for their birthday, baby shower, Super Bowl Sunday get-together etc.

Pandorea · 20/09/2025 08:19

Rezie · 19/09/2025 20:29

All of us "kids" have partners who have lost the other parent. We always make sure nobody is alone. It meant that my brother didn't spend christmas with us for 15 years. Or my other brother doesn't (always) spend christmas with his wife. People are always shocked about it but for us it is not that big of a deal. They have 363 days to spend together.

Show quote history

That’s the kind of thing we did! My husband and I didn’t spend Christmas together for the first seven years or so - even when we had small kids. It was the only way we could make sure his widowed mother and mine (who had a husband in a care home and a 100 year old mother) would be ok. It was fine - we did Christmassy things together on different days. I don’t see how people can enjoy Christmas knowing their relatives will be unhappy.

Original poster
Rezie · 20/09/2025 10:52

redskydelight · 19/09/2025 20:33

Threads on MN are generally from people who have poor relationships with family members and are treated badly by them, and are torn between the conflict of "expectation" and putting themselves into a toxic situation.

To use your example
If it’s my gran’s 90th birthday, I’ll be there because I appreciate her and it means a lot to her. I don’t stop to ask myself if I feel like going.

Now imagine it's your gran's 90th birthday; you don't really like her as she is always critical and nasty to you, and she's likely to complain if you go (and complain more if you don't). Should you be obliged to go just because she's "family"?

In your scenario, I understand wondering if you should go. I also think that "she's family" is a complex thing.

But I think it was on Reddit, someone was wondering if they have to go to granny's 90th. There are 30 family members coming and he doesn't like crowds. Other grandchildren are coming so he didn't feel obligated to go cause it's not like she will be alone. To be fair, majority of redditors were telling them to go.

Or a common one was why should I go to my partners family members party. They are not my family and I would rather do anything else than small talk with people I'm not close with. These always get a lot of support.

One didn't want to attend wedding in general cause they don't like them. It is a waste of money and should be a private affair. They were wondering if others were just declining wedding invitations. Other wanted to normalise not going to weddings and instead of doing something more personal with the couple. A lot of support for that.

OP posts:
Partoftheday · 20/09/2025 11:02

I'm nc with my parents and siblings, so no expectation to show up to anything on my side.
We visit DH's parents abroad once a year for a fortnight. They don't do many big events so there hasn't been much pressure there.
We don't like having guests in our home and certainly no overnights. DH's parents travel to see us and stay in a hotel.

We are happy with the arrangements and it works for us.

roshi42 · 20/09/2025 11:11

I am so so with you and I’ve been thinking this more and more as people seem to get more selfish - or put in place better mental health boundaries, depending on how you think of it!! Obviously there are different scenarios, it’s not 100% one way or the other, but on the whole… yes. I think being a good friend and relative - loved one - means putting yourself out a bit and as you say, attending things that don’t especially thrill you. Those memories and time spent together is important. You do have to make time for people if you want to be close to them.

Octavia64 · 20/09/2025 11:16

I mean…

I felt like you did when I was younger.
i went to a lot of effort to go to family things and make sure my kids had a relationship with both sets of grandparents and aunts and uncles and so on.

and then I got disabled and honestly so few people were prepared to make any sort of adjustment for me - and I mean really really simple things like not insisting on no wheelchairs in the house and shoes off at all times.

i was genuinely really quite shocked at the response given how much I had shown up. ExH (then DH) would just say to me, oh there’s a do but it won’t be accessible I’ll go on my own.

so….

now not so much.