Expectations regarding socialising, what is the norm?

[Rezie]

Sorry, terrible headline.

I’ve been reading Reddit and Mumsnet to see what others say about socialising, both individually and as a couple. Up until now, I thought my expectations were pretty mainstream, but after reading a bunch of different threads, I feel like I might just be very clueless. Are people online more asocial than the average person or am I really off base?

I am assuming there hasn’t been a major falling out or anything.

I’ve always been taught that you show up for family and special events unless you have a genuine conflict. If it’s my gran’s 90th birthday, I’ll be there because I appreciate her and it means a lot to her. I don’t stop to ask myself if I feel like going. Is attending my goddaughter’s birthday my favourite thing in the world? No, but I still go. I’ll make small talk and have some cake. I love looking at old photos and seeing my aunties and uncles celebrating with me. I show up for weddings, funerals, graduations and milestone birthdays. If someone needs help, I try to be there.

I also feel that when you are in an established relationship, you go with your partner to important events. Skipping a Sunday lunch is fine, but I think you should show up for the big things as your partner’s plus one, whether it is their family or friends. I also think it is nice to attend some of the smaller events from time to time, even if they are not your favourite, like Easter dinner or a New Year’s party.

Based on what I have read online, it seems like my expectations might be too high and that I am too enmeshed with my family. There is this idea that there is no need to go to weddings, no right to expect anyone to show up for you and that it is unfair to expect a partner to come as a plus one. Home is viewed as a sanctuary and a guest-free zone. Having overnight guests is seen as crossing a boundary. Asking to come for an overnight visit is considered being a CF. Going to see the in-laws for the weekend a few times a year is considered too much.

Obviously, everyone is different, but I read about a dozen threads and hundreds of comments and I guess I am just wondering if this is the norm?

I don't understand why you are comparing yourself with others online over something like this, OP. You're happy with the way you live, so keep doing it.
Comparison is the thief of joy is very apt for you.

You could flip that round though. If/when I’m a grandma, if a grandchild of mine who is generally speaking nice and considerate (as opposed to someone who was always inconsiderate and never wanted to do anything for anyone else), felt like they would be so uncomfortable at my birthday party that they were stressing about whether or not to go, I don’t want them to come. Not for my sake. They can come a different day and have a slice of cake with just me. I’ve no desire to force a family member into a situation that would cause them discomfort.

I’m with you but there is clearly a rising trend in what seems to be some younger generations, to do everything to please yourself and call it putting yourself first rather than being selfish and unable to develop healthy 2 way relationships. Of course they expect inheritance, childcare etc in return when it comes to family. Sorry a bit tongue in cheek but it’s something I’ve seen more and more often on here,

Of course you should stay home if pulling teeth seems more fun than having a slice of cake. But I guess my general wonderment in general was that to me it isn't even a case of wondering if I want to go. It is just something you do (if you have a relationship). Obviously people can do and not do what they want, I can't say it doesnt bother me cause obviously it kinda does, but that doesnt really matter 😃

I agree with you OP. Mumsnet is the only place I have heard people not go to parties/events or open their front door because they cba. Then the same
people wonder why they have no friends

There was a reason I started googling it, so can't say I'm perfectly happy. But I started this thread on the chat section cause I figured out this was a good place to have a chat 🤷🏼‍♀️

"But are you gonna RSVP no to a friends wedding without a good excuse and expect an invite to the annual new years party?"

Parties and weddings are my ideal of hell. Too much time in my youth was spent in village halls eating cheese and pineapple from paper plates and watching old people dance to music that made me want to weep.

If declining an invitation meant I wasn't asked to future parties I would consider that a right result.

Buy what happens when you've agreed to go to your godaughters 6th birthday party, and then Grandma decides she wants to celebrate her birthday the same day and time?
You cant do both.

I really hate this idea of 'normal' when it comes to peoples lifestyles and beliefs.
Not everybody is going to fit in a little cookie cutter box and as long as they and their loved ones are happy then whatever it is is probably normal for them!

I come from a family of introverts....we dont do big celebrations and whilst we chat on the phone often we also arent big on visiting. Its totally normal for us and nobody is upset about it. Im not going to force myself into a relatives house just because Mumsnet said I should!!😂

I think problems arise when people have different expectations, then you wind up with hurt feelings and resentment as people arent on the same page.

It's not just family either. There are lots of threads

a) judging every potential way of meeting people - still having a circle of old school friends is a sign of being undeveloped and having never moved away from home, colleagues are not your friends, school gate mums are cliquey and you have nothing in common with them other than 'having sex in the same year' etc.

b) and every type of social situation, particularly if it involves an overnight stay or spending more than a tenner, and most of all if it is a female-focused event like hen parties and baby showers.

c) basically fetishizing introversion - (and I say that as a massive introvert), moaning that being expected to go to 1 work social event (e.g. christmas do) for a few hours a year is completely unreasonable, but at the same time so are your colleagues/managers if they are more likely to promote or even just get on better with people who actually engage with them as humans occasionally rather than the poster who just 'gets in and gets the work done'

d) confusing being introverted with being a shitty person - assuring posters it's fine to skip out on agreed plans if YOU don't want to go, YOUR mental health is the most important thing, etc.

Simultaneously lots of threads about posters not having any friends or being left out of friendship groups/family events. I can't help but assume there might be some overlap - i.e. people are more willing to engage with others who actually occasionally make an effort too, rather than someone who doesn't appear to be interested!

the only part of your OP I might disagree with is " Asking to come for an overnight visit" - personally I think it's up to the host who they want to invite, and it's rude to ask yourself along anywhere.

But yes generally, there should be a bit of give and take in all relationships. Which occasionally involves doing things you might not personally be overly excited about, because your partner/friend/child/great aunt would like you there.

Im the same as you op.

You are also right that on mn “extrovert” is a dirty word and obligations to family and friends are very much optional.

There are obviously quite a lot of people on the internet who are dealing with serious mental illness. I don't think their experiences or how they deal with their lives should be denied or suppressed, but it's not really a guide for life in general.

A lot of people on here don't speak to their family, don't have friends, don't kiss their own children and can't go outside because of anxiety. In real life obviously through the consequences of these problems we don't meet these people. They're still people and they matter, but no, it's not "normal" or desirable to live this way.

You pick one? I'm not really sure what the catch is with this question.

Im with you op on all but overnight guests. We have no spare bedroom and downstairs is open plan. I would not have people overnight unless a dire emergency. I don’t want to give up my bed and sleep on the floor in an open plan space.

I do basically agree with you and I do go to things from my own side and my DH's but I don't enjoy large formal social occasions and would almost always rather stay home.

Yeah you’re right op. This is what most normal families do. Disfunction always finds all the excuses in the world though and we’ve got a few in our family who for some reason can’t just turn up and be normal. If they do grace us with their presence it’s with a face like a smacked arse and they ignore everyone. These are grown adults! I don’t know how they’re not embarrassed.

Yup, big family milestones should take precendence over everything else, and you should go to your partner's family stuff unless your own family stuff, or something like a best friend's big event, clashes.

@Octavia64 - sorry you've been locked out so unfairly from family stuff. Sadly unsurprised though, from what I hear from friends who have accessibility needs.

Surely everybody realieses that Mumsnet (or any online forum) isnt representative of real life?
The reason there are so many introverts on here is because thats where they are comfortable talking to people....you wont find them stopping for a chat in Tescos!🙄

Don't ever view MN as an example of 'the norm' because you'll end up huddled in a corner of your own (toilet brush free) house, NC with everyone you know and too scared to open the door in case it's a builder who needs the loo. You'll also live rurally but 'don't drive' meaning you'll need to take approximately 5.7666 buses in the morning for the school run before going to work, even though your DH can drive, has a car, and works flexibly from home so could have done the drop off easily.

I agree with you and actually I love being part of a family who get together, if not as often as I'd like/we did when I was a child. These are my people and it doesn't matter if I'm busy at work tired or have a sniffle. They are the ones who celebrated the birth of my child, my wedding, who are always there even when they aren't there.

Same for friends, to a lesser extent at times at this life stage, but some are close to being family.

The whole "no is a complete sentence" thing baffles me.. IRL I can't imagine meeting any invitation with a blunt "no" without causing hurt or offence.