As a society,are we not honest with the younger generation,about what being married and having children means to both sexes

[Bulldogautumn]

I keep seeing posts from men ,not understanding why their wife with multiple kids does not want sex...has no one explained to these men ,the responsibility that falls on women's shoulders when they gain a house a husband and kids .
And that the wife is touched out ,she's had enough,and sex can be an extra to do on her list ...When husband is not doing half of domestic shit .
For me personally,I after I had my kids ,and I remember it slowly dawning on me the amount of domestic chores that were now my responsibility..I had no idea of the amount of cleaning and cooking and shopping that would be my responsibility,with a family .
It totally overwhelmed me .I want to say to my daughter,don't get married,don't get a husband, don't have children..(but I don't )
For me personally,it felt like some huge conspiracy that no one told me about ,like I was sold a lie.
Maybe society needs to tell younger men ,that the sex they have in their 20 s , ,could be vastly different from sex in their 40s with house and kids .
And tell women ,just how much their life changes with all the added responsibility a family brings

Why do all the chores and then complain?

Yes.

The best thing for most women is to decenter men. The supply of genuinely good ones is shockingly low. They simply make life harder and are a liability to peace and happiness.

Obviously if a woman finds a great man, then crack on! Although the issue often is that whilst they may seem great at first, it's all a bit of an act and at some point the true self will surface and that doesn't always happen immediately.

Why do you think women are not having kids anymore? Because they are being told that.
They are not sleepwalking into the situation like we did.

It is. And they call it "the male loneliness epidemic". Which is simply incels being angry because women have raised their standards a tiny little bit.

Surely anyone with eyes can see what it is like. I watched my dm, and was absolutely determined by the time I was 12, that my life would not be like hers (one long impoverished drudge). I've avoided marriage, although not motherhood. But I'm one and done.

My dm tried to encourage me to find a husband and settle down when I was about 30. I asked her why I would want to do that, given that I had a career and my own house and money. She couldn't answer me.

Children aren't fools. They see their parents' lives and choose for themselves accordingly.

Having 2 boys I am acutely aware it's a large part of my responsibility to ensure they grow up correctly and take on chores themselves.

My 3 and 6 year old have their own age appropriate chores to do, they "help" cook meals, do laundry etc. It's also made my husband do more. He wasn't deliberately leaving it for me but very much has a will get around to it approach before.

Mine too.

"Men are not the enemy. Men don't understand women and vice versa. Do women spend as much energy trying to understand how exhausting it is to go to work, work with people you might not like, deal with an unreasonable boss, and need to accept it because all the responsibility of keeping a roof over their family is on their shoulder."

Eh @vivainsomnia ? I do (and understand) all of that and have raised my child full time as well, like most separated women, while my ex was saying "of course I can't help, I work." like he wanted a medal for doing a 9-5.

Most of the men I know are lazy, selfish and inept. Sorry but there's no avoiding the truth.

I have no idea what the answer is. Children have their joy of course but the reality is that unless you have a lot of family around you that will actually help it’s not very attractive as a woman. I notice a lot of the women here who do complain are shouldering it all, miles away from their own family who would potentially help or give support. Yes they may have a nice house and money but it looks lonely and hard work with a husband who works long hours. Close family is important when having kids.

A good reason then to be with someone for a good length of time before having a child with them.

I recommend having 1 dc. Get the joy of being a parent but only have to do the shit bits for 1 child (sleepless nights etc).

Dh and I have never felt overwhelmed caring for 1dc. We have a great marriage, share the chores, have done well in our careers, and we get loads of time with dd (now a teen) and for ourselves and couple activities. It’s been an absolute joy so far.

from my experience some people sleepwalk into having a second because they think it’s the natural thing to do. Parents should think hard about whether they have the time, energy, resources to have multiple children, and make sure they have a partner that is 100% on board.

Your post would have made sense in the 1970s, it makes zero sense in 2025 where the vast majority of mothers work.

I don't get the whole "sleepless nights" thing either - when they are new they feed every three or four hours yes, but you literally feed them, for maybe 20m then go back to sleep, from day one I prioritised sleep for all of us - it makes for a much happier home, to that end the "sleep training is evil" crowd have done nothing except make struggling parents lives harder.

I also firmly believe "mum guilt" is toxic patriarchal BS and should be ignored - have I made bad parenting choices? Yes probably but I'm not going to beat myself up because I'm just doing my best, what do I have to feel guilty about!

Well some babies dont respond to sleep training even if thier parents think its a beautiful idea, some babies take longer than twenty minutes to feed and some people struggle to drop off back to sleep themselves if their sleep cycle is disturbed regardless of whether there baby is soundly asleep after thier twenty minute feed.

Very ignorant post.

Oh Hairspray for Gods sake. Ds fed every 45 minutes all night long until we both ended up back in hospital. Not even Ferber thinks you should sleep train in the early weeks, and it’s usually an improvement rather than a total fix.

To me it was the opposite - I wouldn't throw a bomb in my life for just one. If felt like half arsing it. Which only shows how amazing it is that people are different, right?

I don't know how many kids you have, but after I had my first I thought that everyone who claimed "my kid is a difficult eater" didn't know how to do it properly, and I had aced it. My second one proved I was being an idiot (but he slept well, though). Every time you think "these people are incompetent parents", stop and think that some kids are difficult. Some are very strong-willed. Some have real difficulties.
I had a DC with night terrors. There's NOTHING you can do, no matter what people say. I have a DC with amazing grades. Another who is late at reading. But the first was very late in talking. Guess what? It's not all because of the competence or incompetence of the parent.

In what way is it ‘half-arsing it?

@PermanentTemporary I never said sleep train a newborn - although you can use the french pause from birth. Lets not what about with additional needs and complications like night terrors it derails the topic and it's a pointless diversion for most - the vast majority of children can be sleep trained and there is no reason the average non night terror afflicted child should be waking multiple times in the night after the age of one on a regular basis.

@whatwouldlilacerullodo I have multiple kids I know they are all different, I know some kids can be strong willed, my I have one child would live on yogurt and fresh air if I let them, another who still had screaming aggressive tantrums at gone 5. I still don't think motherhood is as terrible and drudgy as a lot of people make it out to be.

I don't think people are incompetent parents, I'm not sure why you chose to make that up. I imagine it is because you have a fear of being judged as a mother, and you are concerned that people who have different parenting philosophies to you must think you are doing it "wrong" - I do think there is a lot of misinformation out there that makes parenting harder and mums are encouraged to feel guilty and anxious about the most pointless things. Because it benefits companies who want to exploit than anxiety to sell you their next amazing baby product or programme.

Wouldn't it be better to teach men to pull their weight and to teach women not to put up with those who don't?

I agree about companies exploiting insecurities. You're spot on.

I'm not afraid of other people judging me as a mother. I think I'm afraid of my own judgement (I know I'm doing a good job, but I have my wobbles. And very little support)

This is my experience too. Always thought I'd have 2 or 3 children but was exhausted in first year of having DD, and couldn't bring myself to go through having a newborn again. DH is only child and loved his experience so we stopped at one.

I'm so glad we did. We work really well as a family of three. Being with DD is a joy, I love our relationship. Tasks are shared between me and DH. Everyone gets down time. It's a really nice lifestyle.

@whatwouldlilacerullodo So why did you accuse me of thinking people are incompetent parents when I said nothing of the sort then?

One of the many reasons long term monogamy should be abandoned as the societal default