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Original poster

Dsd and her mums drama

30 replies

dramaticshit · 14/09/2025 11:11

Right going to start by saying I am autistic.
As a family we’ve had alot of stress the last couple of months, I won’t go into it all but my side of the family is very dysfunctional and just brings alot of drama and stress that I can’t help but consume and it makes me ill. My anxiety is through the fucking roof, I’m shaking constantly, thoughts are looping over and over and my ocd is back with a vengeance. I really really struggle with change.

So, my dsd is 17, has a bf the same age. Doesn’t get on with her mum but has never wanted to move in with us due to the distance we live from her mum and wanting to stay with her friends and bf. We still see her regularly and have a good relationship. The latest between her and her mum is her mum lying on her pip forms to get her the high rate payments by making her seem more disabled than she is (she has adhd) this shouldn’t bother me directly but it does as Dsd is showing us texts between her and her mum arguing about this, her mum has put herself as Dsd appointee but Dsd doesn’t want this. So she has called Dwp and stated this and wrote them a letter saying her mum wouldn’t spend the money in her best interests (she wouldn’t) dsd isn’t innocent in all of this as she also believes she should get the high rate just because she has a diagnosis, but dsd is a child and doesn’t understand it doesn’t work like that. Now dwp are going to do a full assessment because they’ve clocked on something isn’t right and her mum is blaming dsd saying she’ll get nothing now.

It’s all really stressing me out. Dsd hasn’t lived with her mum properly for years. She has been staying at her cousins and friends and occasionally ours. We’re paying child maintenance and now paying board to her bfs mom, which we can’t afford but doing it as it’s only right because her mum won’t pay anything. My worry is dsd has been told If she doesn’t get this pip she needs to get a full time job and pay her way at mums otherwise she’s not welcome at her mums. We’ve told dsd she can just move in with us. She doesn’t want this, so I’m thinking the worst worrying that she won’t get this pip, or a job and we’ll be stuck paying 150 a month to her bfs mum!!

I just need someone to tell me everything is going to be okay and to try and ignore all this crap and hopefully dsd will just realise she’ll have to move in with us because we won’t be able to keep paying this money out. Dh is very much a friend to Dsd rather than a proper parent and is scared to upset her in anyway and I honestly think he’d just keep paying rent to her bfs mum.

We have told dsd her mum shouldn’t have lied on the forms as it’s benefit fraud and dsd said everyone does it.

OP posts:
Original poster
dramaticshit · 14/09/2025 12:55

I just needed to vent !

OP posts:
Ballywas · 14/09/2025 12:56

Step away and leave it to your partner to navigate.

Drop the rope.

Makemineacosmo · 14/09/2025 12:58

Is there any reason that she can't get a job? That would probably solve most of the problems and she could pay board to her boyfriends parents that way?

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Original poster
dramaticshit · 14/09/2025 13:23

She is looking for a job but only just turned 17 so I don’t think she can work full time? She won’t go to college either won’t even entertain the idea…

OP posts:
Original poster
dramaticshit · 14/09/2025 13:23

Ballywas · 14/09/2025 12:56

Step away and leave it to your partner to navigate.

Drop the rope.

Yes I know I need to disengage but for me it’s not so simple

OP posts:
Workingmumlife1 · 14/09/2025 13:27

dramaticshit · 14/09/2025 13:23

She is looking for a job but only just turned 17 so I don’t think she can work full time? She won’t go to college either won’t even entertain the idea…

she legally needs to be in collage/apprenticeship till she’s 18

Ballywas · 14/09/2025 13:36

Workingmumlife1 · 14/09/2025 13:27

she legally needs to be in collage/apprenticeship till she’s 18

Show quote history

I thought that was only in England?

user1471538283 · 14/09/2025 13:39

She needs to work which she can do even part time. I can't see her bf's DM keeping her on £150 a week forever.

If she's in work wouldn't CM stop? But your DH needs to be on this not you.

Original poster
dramaticshit · 14/09/2025 14:19

Yes legally she should be but it doesn’t mean it’s enforced. We’ve really tried to convince her to go to college but she just isn’t interested, her mum isn’t happy about it but only because her child benefit and cms will stop, she’s said this in texts to dsd that she’s shared.
dh has wrote to the cms but they don’t rush to do anything

OP posts:
FuzzyWolf · 14/09/2025 14:23

I agree that you need to step away and this isn’t your drama to be involved in.

As someone who is autistic you will be well aware that females in particular are very good at masking and it could be, despite how good your relationship is, that you genuinely don’t see the issues her mum sees, especially since she lives with her mum.

PIP generally is considered very hard to get fraudulently and her mum will have needed significant evidence to back up her claims as her word will not have been enough. Being reassessed is the right thing to do and if you are right about your DSD’s needs then she won’t continue to receive PIP and if she isn’t eligible for that support then it is also right that she looks for a job to support herself.

Original poster
dramaticshit · 14/09/2025 14:33

FuzzyWolf · 14/09/2025 14:23

I agree that you need to step away and this isn’t your drama to be involved in.

As someone who is autistic you will be well aware that females in particular are very good at masking and it could be, despite how good your relationship is, that you genuinely don’t see the issues her mum sees, especially since she lives with her mum.

PIP generally is considered very hard to get fraudulently and her mum will have needed significant evidence to back up her claims as her word will not have been enough. Being reassessed is the right thing to do and if you are right about your DSD’s needs then she won’t continue to receive PIP and if she isn’t eligible for that support then it is also right that she looks for a job to support herself.

I’m not entirely sure how it works as I don’t claim anything like that but I know there has to be evidence. All I can think is the diagnosis letters and that they offered medication a couple of years ago but dsd didn’t like it and doesn’t want to take any. There won’t be any hospital admissions etc or regular therapy or anything because dsd doesn’t need or do anything like that. I’ll be honest, dsd wants a motability car and this is why they’ve tried to get the high rate.

I have said to dh we shouldn’t get involved in this pip stuff as her mum is her appointee and it’s between them to sort out, we’re certainly not going to lie to anyone about dsd needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
dramaticshit · 14/09/2025 14:34

dramaticshit · 14/09/2025 14:33

I’m not entirely sure how it works as I don’t claim anything like that but I know there has to be evidence. All I can think is the diagnosis letters and that they offered medication a couple of years ago but dsd didn’t like it and doesn’t want to take any. There won’t be any hospital admissions etc or regular therapy or anything because dsd doesn’t need or do anything like that. I’ll be honest, dsd wants a motability car and this is why they’ve tried to get the high rate.

I have said to dh we shouldn’t get involved in this pip stuff as her mum is her appointee and it’s between them to sort out, we’re certainly not going to lie to anyone about dsd needs.

Show quote history

Edited to add she has taken advice off people who’s children who had a paper based assessment on what to put on the forms

OP posts:
ComfortFoodCafe · 14/09/2025 15:04

pip goes off care needs, she wont get high motability going off what you said if she can travel to you, her boyfriends, friends etc shes obviously capable.

she needs to be careful as they are cracking down on fraud cases like this. They arent idiots & will see straight through it. The fact shes told them she doesnt need an appointee for adhd says it all - shes likely to be awarded zero.

Original poster
dramaticshit · 14/09/2025 15:38

ComfortFoodCafe · 14/09/2025 15:04

pip goes off care needs, she wont get high motability going off what you said if she can travel to you, her boyfriends, friends etc shes obviously capable.

she needs to be careful as they are cracking down on fraud cases like this. They arent idiots & will see straight through it. The fact shes told them she doesnt need an appointee for adhd says it all - shes likely to be awarded zero.

Edited

I did think her telling them these things kind of makes the point she is capable of doing things for herself ! But then you do hear of people getting high rates for adhd so I don’t know, maybe she will get it. I don’t know how it works

OP posts:
ComfortFoodCafe · 14/09/2025 15:39

dramaticshit · 14/09/2025 15:38

I did think her telling them these things kind of makes the point she is capable of doing things for herself ! But then you do hear of people getting high rates for adhd so I don’t know, maybe she will get it. I don’t know how it works

Show quote history

Those who get high rate for adhd have other conditions and high care needs such as a learning disability. they will check what shes saying too, and its going to come out as lies.
dont tell her, shes trying to fraud the system so why give her a heads up? Let her get on with it.

FuzzyWolf · 14/09/2025 16:03

dramaticshit · 14/09/2025 15:38

I did think her telling them these things kind of makes the point she is capable of doing things for herself ! But then you do hear of people getting high rates for adhd so I don’t know, maybe she will get it. I don’t know how it works

Show quote history

I think you only hear about that in the Daily Mail and it’s usually because someone is also missing their legs but the journalist won’t mention that because inflaming readers by saying ADHD equates to a car gets more clicks.

Original poster
dramaticshit · 14/09/2025 16:49

ComfortFoodCafe · 14/09/2025 15:39

Those who get high rate for adhd have other conditions and high care needs such as a learning disability. they will check what shes saying too, and its going to come out as lies.
dont tell her, shes trying to fraud the system so why give her a heads up? Let her get on with it.

Edited
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I don’t want dsd to get in trouble though. It’s her mum who’s filled her head with these ideas

OP posts:
ComfortFoodCafe · 14/09/2025 16:59

dramaticshit · 14/09/2025 16:49

I don’t want dsd to get in trouble though. It’s her mum who’s filled her head with these ideas

Show quote history

Then tell her then, tell her to be honest & not to listen to her mum. Comitting fraud like this could mean she potentially cant claim it again in future and have to pay them back thousands of pounds hopefully she listens rather than lies to get a motability car.

FuzzyWolf · 14/09/2025 17:38

This is taken from the CAB as an example of the sort of need that someone must have to get the high rate for mobility which makes them eligible for a mobility car. It must be backed up by a medical professional and possibly an in person assessment with the DWP:

Example: Bob can walk with a walking stick up to 50 metres, but can't do this again the same day because it exhausts him and causes him pain. It's reasonable to expect someone to walk up to 50 metres more than once a day, but Bob can't do this repeatedly. He can walk up to 20 metres and repeat this in the same day.

Original poster
dramaticshit · 14/09/2025 17:41

ComfortFoodCafe · 14/09/2025 16:59

Then tell her then, tell her to be honest & not to listen to her mum. Comitting fraud like this could mean she potentially cant claim it again in future and have to pay them back thousands of pounds hopefully she listens rather than lies to get a motability car.

Show quote history

We have told her. Told her people get sent to prison for stuff like this. That she doesn’t want on record that she apparently can’t shower without help etc as it isn’t true bur got to remember she’s only a kid so doesn’t see the long term

OP posts:
ComfortFoodCafe · 14/09/2025 17:45

dramaticshit · 14/09/2025 17:41

We have told her. Told her people get sent to prison for stuff like this. That she doesn’t want on record that she apparently can’t shower without help etc as it isn’t true bur got to remember she’s only a kid so doesn’t see the long term

Show quote history

Adhd doesnt stop you showering though not to the point for the higher points that she wants, so they will see straight through it.

FuzzyWolf · 14/09/2025 18:00

Online there is the DLA criteria that says along the lines that mild ADHD is manageable, and moderate or severe ADHD can be medicated to make it on a par with mild ADHD. Therefore, ADHD alone isn’t a condition to expect a high level of financial support.

Starlight7080 · 14/09/2025 18:04

But she should not get high rate at all .
Its ridiculous to make stuff up or make out things that are not true. Her mum should be ashamed.
If she is able to go between homes and socialise and do as she wants then she doesnt need high rate. And her mum is obviously not her carer. How long has she been just floating between peoples homes ? She will just have to accept living with you or working .
And get her pip in her own bank account.

FuzzyWolf · 14/09/2025 18:06

I think her being reassessed for PIP to see if she is entitled at all is a good thing.

Original poster
dramaticshit · 14/09/2025 19:25

I have no idea about all of this stuff, but I do have a severely mentally disabled cousin who gets high rate pip who obviously cannot ever work so I thought the high rate was for people like him. I wonder how these who use adhd or high functioning asd/anxiety manage it compared to people like my cousin

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