How do you organise finances in a reltionship like this?

[Mugfills]

Both middle aged. Not living together, but spend a lot of time together and spend a lot of time a the "homeowners" house, sleepover 3-4 eves a week. Roughly equal salaries. I mean covering costs at the homeowners house, as well as paying for trips and dinner etc.

Partner one:
Owns own home mortgage free, adult DC, comfortable, as there is passive as well as earned income.

Partner two:
Rents, no DC. In many ways a more difficult life, with some setbacks meaning "starting over" a couple of times. Has enough to live comfortably, but not for the same lifestyle as Partner one, if all costs are shared.

Partner 1 is wary of being taken advantage of and of protecting assets for DC. Partner 2 likes to pay their way, but that restricts what is affordable.

If it’s always the owned home that’s stayed in then You’re either going to have to look at what a part time lodger would pay for utilities and a shared cost for the food shop. Which I’m guessing the ‘renter’ wouldn’t be keen on.

or split the time evenly so maybe 1 part week on the owned home, 1 part week in the rented to make it fair for both costs.

Homeowner doesn't want or need a contribution to running costs and if it were given/offered would reduce funds Partner teo has for fun, which would impact on Partner 2 too.

It's about trying to find something that feels fair and workable.

They don't stay at Partner two's house for various reasons, which aren't going to change and that's OK. It's more a iut acknowledging than Partner two has a good deal out if that, I think, which tbf, they do recognise.

If they were married, I think it would be expected that some sort of shared finance arrangement was devised, whereby each had similar sending power, but they're not and neither would want to take things that far (re the finances) but is it possible/desirable to do something in-between?

If you’re living separately, not planning on living together, then you do not need shared finances really. You just have to live to the budget of the lower earner.

Yes, but that means Partner one is restricted in the kinds of e.g. trips they go on. E.g. Partner two is more than happy to make every trip a Travelodge or basic Air BnB. Partner two would normally go for something nicer.

You don’t really need shared finances. You each finace your respective living arrangements. For days out, holidays etc. you’ll have to base it on the lower earners disposable income unless the higher earner wants to treat them.

Are you saying the one who's renting should pay something for staying at the other person's house a few times a week?

I don't think anyone should live rent-free, so when someone moves into their partner's house, I think a contribution needs to be made, but if they're just staying over a few times a week I can't see what they're costing the home owner. Obviously I'd expect the cost of food to be shared, but I wouldn't go charging my partner for having a shower! I'd expect them to do their washing etc back in their own home. Most bills would stay the same for the renter, so I don't think it's fair they have to contribute.

I think you take things on an ad hoc basis. Sometimes partner 2 should sit trips out and partner 1 should go with friends, sometimes parter 1 covers the extra costs for partner 2 and sometimes they should do things on partner 2's budget.

I think partner 1 also needs to think about whether they will feel resentment longer term on the situation. What are the long term plans?

I'm not saying anything "should" happen, that's what I'm trying to work out.

Yes, things like shopping for a shared meal are shared, and I don't mean bills, but a contribution to all the consumable things that get used more because you have more people in the house more often. Shower gel, toothpaste, loo roll, tea, soft drinks, breakfast cereal, bread, milk, snacks. Or maybe it's not really significant and as Partner 1 is better off they should just cover it?

Partner two does do laundry etc at home.

That’s the price of having a relationship with someone who is in a different financial position. Either the wealthier person is generous and happy to pay the extra, or all trips have to be according to the budget of the lower earner.

It's very much a long term relationship with long term plans, but no plans to live together, mostly because of the situation with Partner one's children.

Yes, but it's not really about the actual money, in this case, it's a out how it all "feels". I.e. is it right for Partner one to pay or does that mean they're being taken for a mug? They wouldn't miss the cash, as such, it's more about the principle of it.

If partner 1 wants partner 2 with them on more expensive trips then they front up.

No one is lying about finances or anything like that, money is a means to enable you to do things with, be that save, invest, hand on to offspring, splash it on expensive cushions, whatever you like. Some people have more than others.

So if partner 1 has more money and wants partner 2 to join them they will need to pay for that experience together.

Spend what you can on what you want to spend it on.

Depends on the relationship, if it's a mutually fun, beneficial, happy, healthy relationship, then no they are not being taken for a mug.

I don’t honestly know what you mean here. If partner one wants the nicer/more expensive trips then they will need to pay for them, if that makes them feel uncomfortable then the other option is to simply go on trips that both people can comfortably afford their half of.

If my partner, particularly a financially comfortable one, wanted to charge me for using shower gel and loo roll, I wouldn’t be their partner for long!!!

I think you've answered your own question really.

If you feel like a possible mug or are trying not to be taken advantage of then it's a red flag.

When you treat someone you care about you don't feel that way. You'd be happy to and take joy in it instead.

I don't see what you're really getting out of a relationship where you cannot do the things you enjoy because the other person can't do them and you don’t get joy from treating them.

I think you should find someone who is on a similar financial footing as you so you can enjoy the things you want to. That's what a relationship is for at this stage, enjoying things together.

Find someone like that who you also would be happy to treat and doesn't make you feel like you're being taken advantage of. Feeling like that is enough to end things.

I don't think it's a "charge" as much as an acknowledgement. I.e. I'll get these coffees, after all the tea I drink at yours.

Whilst partner one is better off, it's not a huge mismatch. It's not like Partner one has loads of spare cash to chuck around. It still needs to be managed.

So if you were at theirs much more than they were at yours, you wouldn't expect to contribute anything?

Says a person who's obviously never dated in middle age 🤣

Prior to DH and I moving in together and getting married etc, I lived alone in a rented (but nice) flat. He was in a houseshare. I earned a lot more than he did, although I wasn't loaded by any stretch of the imagination.

He spent 3-5 nights at mine. I hardly ever slept at his.

I did not expect him to contribute anything specific at my house. He did contribute in all kinds of unofficial ways - doing his share of cleaning up, taking out the garbage, picking up bread/milk/specific ingredients on his way over etc. When we went out, we split things or took turns.

I'd be doing the same in yoru case, with the one difference between that perhaps there might be situations where if its your turn to pay, you might be happy to pay for a more expensive activity or perhaps split it differently - he pays for his own ticket for a show, but you pay for your ticket AND dinner. Or ditto, ifyou want a nicer holiday, you have to pony up the cash (or him if he's the wealthier one).

I would want things to be fair, like the example you use above about drinks, rather than nit-pick over small things.

I would think you should contribute in relation to your situation so it is fair on both. Or stick to the lower income budget if the other doesn’t wish to treat their partner.

But if my partner was coming to my house, rather than me to theirs, I would accept paying for the stuff in my own home as my responsibility. I would be paying for it even if they weren’t there, I assume. Them coming over and ‘sharing’ would be evened out by the joy of being in a relationship. Also by the fact I would be choosing to be home and not staying at theirs half the time. They’d still have their own bills to pay at home regardless of how many nights they sleep elsewhere.

I might expect them to bring the treats for the weekend, some wine, pay for a takeaway if they were eating loads or bathing for hours, maybe. But I would only be with someone who wanted to do that, if they turned up empty handed it would me the ick.
But I wouldn’t be counting loo roll, either.

Possibly I am not being clear, but I like to be with someone like myself who is generous, kind, conscious of the other person and what’s fair. That way it evens out naturally without much effort. If one is generous and the other not, I couldn’t be in a relationship with them as it wouldn’t feel equal.

OP you’ve said
a) partner 1 does not specifically want or need partner 2 to pay anything
b) if P2 paid anything they would have even less money for fun so P1 would be affected
c) you think maybe P2 should pay for consumables but again you hat would reduce fun money affecting P1
d) it’s not really about actual money but how it ‘feels’
e) P2 knows they have got it good

you sound like you are tangling yourself up here.

if P1 does not want or need any contribution and any contribution will just increase the problem regarding how much fun money P2 has thus annoying P1, and if it’s all about ‘feels’ and not money then P1 & P2 need to learn acceptance

acceptance that there is a financial disparity and with that comes compromise from the one with more. If they can’t get past this then the relationship has issues beyond money.

It sounds like contrary to your initial statement that P1 doesn’t want or need a contribution, they very much DO want exactly this

Partner one is confused 🤣

They are accustomed to being the kind of host where nothing's too much trouble and food and drink flows freely.

They also spend too much time on MN reading about cocklodgers, new partners spending DC's inheritance, romance scams etc. Are very much enjoying this unexpected later life realtionship, but that bring's a too good to be true feeling and a level of wariness about being taken for a fool.

I think if you’re inviting someone to stay over then it’s an invitation. If I was the one staying over often I’d think I’d get the odd extra treat - takeaway or coffees or such. I wouldn’t want anyone itemising loo roll use.

For trips it’s up to each really - if one can and wants to treat now and again that’s not a problem. I don’t think anyone in this scenario should expect it though - honestly is key here. Neither should spend more than they’re comfortable spending and if that means the person who can’t afford it can’t always go then so be it.