Struggling to make mum friends at school

[TwinklyOliveFawn]

I’m so gutted, it’s my DC second year being at this school now and I really thought I’d make some friends. As a disclaimer DC has a lovely group of friends, is extremely popular and I intend to do a full class party as an icebreaker. But has never been asked on a playdate. Coming into the school I knew one mum from a play group quite well but she found her way into the ‘inner circle’ and started to ‘not see me around anymore’. She no longer invites me for play dates as she has her crowd and I’m sadly not a part of it.

The class size is small, they all seem to know each other now and I often see them picking each others kids up, I’m hearing about summer play dates, nights out, then seeing it on instagram, they are all hugging at the school gates and it’s as if I’m not even there I try to smile and make conversation but it’s like I’m literally invisible…I just feel terrible because I’m quite shy, it takes so much for me to approach someone and I really tried to put myself out there …

So I do stick around at parties and make conversation but no one really seems interested more than a bit of small talk. Is it me, am I the problem? I’m maybe 10 years younger than most of them so I’m wondering if it’s that because I can’t understand why I’ve become the one that is left out. Anyone else has this experience?

I’ve said it before on here and I’ll say it again…this hanging around the school gates is absolute ALIEN behaviour to me. No one does it at my dcs school. We are all too busy going to work ffs! And the parents that don’t work have things to do also!

I agree with this

I don’t think it’s helpful to think in terms of ‘inner circle’. Usually it’s just people that know each other better. I’ll happily chat to anyone to pass the time but I am more inclined to talk to the people I know already e.g. from nursery partly just because it would be really odd if I blanked them. Playdates are a totally separate thing. Invite the kids your DC wants to have round. Usually they’re reciprocated but sometimes it needs you to take the first step. But it’s not automatically going to equal a friendship for you- I’m friendly enough with DD’s best friend’s mum but honestly we have zero in common and we’d never hang out together, and that’s fine because it’s about the kids and not me!

You just need to make this less important. Allow your child to ask thier friends over and try to detach.

Why do you need ‘mum’ friends?

just because your children are friends doesn’t mean you have anything in common.

if you need some new friends get a job or a hobby and find people you share things in common with.

your children is doing fine and you don’t have to be part of that.

Well tbf I don't have an interest in making friends at the school gates but I can see why someone would want mum friends it's not hard?! Usually to have someone to do things with with the kids as it can be lonely and having friends that don't have children isn't the same as they don't want to meet up at soft play, the park etc

I didn’t suggest not having friends with children

😂 oh dear! Yes you did you said "mum" friends otherwise you would have said "school mum" friends 🤦🏻‍♀️

Mumsnet is full of posts about school mum friends and cliques etc. It’s just a run of the mill group of friends with no obligation to include everyone.

Does your child want play dates? If they do, then invite kids round. Are there other school parents milling around? Could you chat to them? You say you’re shy, if so it’s probably the case that you’re in the queue quietly and others think you want to be left alone (because some of us do want to be left alone on the school run!)

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I've been in a similar position throughout school except my child struggles socially and isn't really invited to play dates. Ive accepted I wont be part of that crowd but have made a couple of friends at least for the pick up drop off small talk, school events etc..our kids started in the covid year so we didn't really get to know anyone and tbh most of the in crowd seems to be that they live in the same few streets rather than including/excluding some people

90% of people on Mumsnet will be school mums, and here you are hanging out with us 😂

I don't get this at all; so in 20 years you haven't made friends with a single other parent, really?

There are so many threads on MN where the poster is saying they don't have a single friend, no support at all and it can't be a coincidence that there are also posters who just don't engage with other people.

I've been lucky enough to make good friends at my DC's schools, many of whom we still socialise with as couples now that the DC are teens. Inevitably there have been some fall outs but there is still quite a core group who see each other every few weeks for dinner / drinks, some of us go to the same gym or sports club, many of us have been on holiday or weekends away together.

Back to the OP though - you're still talking about "no one wants to have DC over". When are you going to invite their friends (and mums) over? This isn't going to change unless you make a bit more effort.

What about women at work who have school age children. Because you know them at the workplace are they acceptable even though they’re ’school mums’?

People who see all school mums as a problem and think they’re all cliquey, bitchy or whatever else always comes up on these threads probably needs to take a look at themselves because what are the chances of all school mums being the problem, or it actually being you?

This

I think it's very difficult approaching other parents at the school gates especially when they're already in established groups. I would suggest some sort of after school activity where you have to stay and watch. I made loads of friends from kids football as you had to hang around while they trained and watch the games at the weekend. It was great because it was easy to make a few comments about the football or moan about the weather or something and over time friendship grew. Many of these parents were also at school pick up as well.

Yes, the hostile generalisations about ‘school mums’ are hilarious, but also revealing. The people complaining about them on here don’t seem to realise that they are themselves members of this feared tribe.

Have a child at school? Then you’re a school mum.

It’s like people who genuinely believe they don’t have an accent.

To be blunt, OP, it is you, if you are just hanging back passively hoping people will invite you and your DC for playdates. If you want playdates, you invite people for playdates. That's how it works.

If you're shy and struggle to make conversation with people, you're likely giving out vibes that you don't want to have conversations with people, so people are leaving you alone.

So many people on here seem to expect they can just stand around awkwardly at the school gates and people will court them and invite them places and patiently coax them out of their shells if they're desperately introverted. If you want to make friends, you've got to put some effort in yourself, and start behaving like someone who wants a social life.

Thats not what I said. Of course I have friends that are parents but I didn’t seek them out in the school playground. People who yearn to make friends with randomers on the school run are needy human beings. I’ve seen these people with my own eyes and I cringe watching them trying to edge their way into conversations and trying to be witty and it’s painful.

Wow. I’m not sure how to respond to that, but at best you sound unempathetic and at worst, downright cruel. Would it not occur to you to be a little friendly and perhaps make someone else feel a bit better about their day? Or does it make you feel good to sneer at “needy randomers”?