Struggling to make mum friends at school

[TwinklyOliveFawn]

I’m so gutted, it’s my DC second year being at this school now and I really thought I’d make some friends. As a disclaimer DC has a lovely group of friends, is extremely popular and I intend to do a full class party as an icebreaker. But has never been asked on a playdate. Coming into the school I knew one mum from a play group quite well but she found her way into the ‘inner circle’ and started to ‘not see me around anymore’. She no longer invites me for play dates as she has her crowd and I’m sadly not a part of it.

The class size is small, they all seem to know each other now and I often see them picking each others kids up, I’m hearing about summer play dates, nights out, then seeing it on instagram, they are all hugging at the school gates and it’s as if I’m not even there I try to smile and make conversation but it’s like I’m literally invisible…I just feel terrible because I’m quite shy, it takes so much for me to approach someone and I really tried to put myself out there …

So I do stick around at parties and make conversation but no one really seems interested more than a bit of small talk. Is it me, am I the problem? I’m maybe 10 years younger than most of them so I’m wondering if it’s that because I can’t understand why I’ve become the one that is left out. Anyone else has this experience?

Honestly? why are you letting this bother you, I've been on school runs for over 16 years and genuinely i can say being part of bitter, gossiping, competitive groups was the biggest waste of my time and energy , the big party idea, why? use that money and take your child somewhere with 1 friend and have a great time, go karting, motorbiking, a little holiday where its a yes day, my advice, stay out of it, honestly, i laugh when i see the drama unfold between these parents and the kids (it will happen) and glad i stand there alone and in bliss. if you teach your child that their worth is determined by who talks to them and what part of group they are apart of you are setting them up for a downfall, a child who is content in their own company and skin, grows up too be far more resilient and no BS attitude and someone to be genuinely proud of that their worth is not determined by other people. loneliness is a fact of life , we all end up there at some point, for her wellbeing focus on them and not other people , people will use your hospitality for something to do.

School mum friendships are overrated. They’re very situational! I didn’t bother the second time around. Straight in, straight out, back to my real life!

This sounds like I could’ve written it! Exactly same experience. It’s like I had a sign over me that said ‘keep away’. I tried so hard to talk to the same people again and again hoping to build a friendship but they never talked to me first. The amount of people I talked to was crazy!
try and not let it get to you.

I made my friends for life at the school gates but neither of them were my DC’s friend’s mums. I think you need to separate play dates with making friends. Think of it out 100 people you chat to you’ll probably click with a couple so it’s a numbers games. Are there any other parents standing on their own, if so make them your first target.

OP, sending you warm vibes and a big “don’t worry” message. School gates at primary school are hard. You just need to get your head in a place of not caring about the cliques. I speak from experience! Offer play dates to your child’s special friends, be pleasant and chill with their parents but do not worry about making “mum friends”. You will find your people in time.

No in juniors up to about Y3 the playdates are who the mums are friends with in my experience

Most people don’t consider others much. I wouldn’t take it personally. These things take time. Is there a reason you haven’t offered play date invites?

Not in my experience. Nit only was I not friends with the other parents, but I did the school run so seldom that I could t have picked them out of a police lineup. I invited kids DS liked for play dates, generally in twos or threes, and those were generally accepted and reciprocated. At the stage where a parent needs to stay, you can be polite over a cup of coffee even to people you don’t much care for.

I honestly wouldn't worry. A lot of the huggy, best of friends, mum friendships towards the beginning of primary school tend to fizzle out a bit towards the end. Usually when the older kids are a bit older and all the mums are back at work (unless they have a tonne of kids or a big age gap, which is less common).

I also didn't do play dates so much when mine were in infants. More so now they're in juniors. We do initiate a lot of them tbh, but that's because I work school hours only and have a bit more free time

I hope that inviting everyone to DC party next month will break the ice, fingers crossed

I'd say that might have been the case for DC's birthday last year, but I can't imagine this will help you gain friends. Not inviting anyone round for a play date but expecting your child to get an invite is unrealistic as well.

If your child is happy at school and has friends, I'd look at making friends elsewhere.

As a disclaimer DC has a lovely group of friends, is extremely popular

So DC is extremely popular yet never gets invited on a playdate? So she's not very popular or she would get invited to playdates all the time. That's the very definition of being popular at that age. Not that I think that's something to strive for- she just needs a couple of good friends and she'll be fine.

Im just very shy and feel like im terrible at conversation, I was hoping someone would ask, however since they haven’t I am going to ask DC if there’s anyone they’d like to have over/go to softplay. I have had some personal issues last year which has made me very busy and kept me away from the school run for a while.

Well I was under the impression DC has a great set of friends as at parties, school and school events they seem very close, I even asked their teacher who confirmed they have a lot of friends, so to think no one has wanted DC over makes me think either the parents are as shy as me or it’s a personal issue ?

No one ever tells you that being a school mum will feel like actually being at school again do they? Im quite reserved...if it wasnt for the fact I was pregnant for most of the last school year (DD started reception last year), therefore other parents cane upto me asking about the pregnancy and later new baby I probably wouldn't have found a way to break the ice talking to other parents either.
A birthday party is the perfect opportunity to break the ice in your situation

And then you have people like me who had great intimate deep friendships everywhere I went, but since I married, I never made any friends, ever, in any group. All this is behind me , thanks be to God.

My only advice is: whatever happens, do not obsess. Take the long distance view and keep your anchor of worth into your own self.

there, in a nutshell. I do not allow idiots or bullies in my life or my kids lives. Either you are a good fit to us and them, either we don't need you. We own our building and will invite their the good ones, once they appear

Some people just don’t initiate play dates, OP. Just ask your child who they’d like to have over to play. They may get invited back, they may not. There are always loads of threads about this. Some people don’t have time/space to reciprocate play dates but all you can do is ask

I understand how you feel and I have been there. I mad a good mum friend in pre-school and after that, it was all just as you described. I made a real effort and had a couple friends until I got left for the "inner circle" and I was always hearing about these nights out...fun things that only that "inner circle" got invited to. I had (I thought) a friend a the time who would go with them, but didn't extend the invitation to me. Needless to say, that friendship fizzled. Playdates started to feel one sided, like me just taking their kids as a favour to them, like the hired help. We switched schools when DC was nine, and I volunteered, everything, and the mums just stood around in a circle, all knew each other, and had no interest in meeting the new mum (me). They were pleasant, but not welcoming. Then Covid hit. By the time DC was back in school, it was drop off only, she was so much older. My DC is now a teenager and I often feel very sad that this is how it turned out. I have no mum friends from those years and now that phase of life is behind me. It's not for lack of trying and not how I expected the experience to be. Hopefully you can find your people. I don't think it's that you are doing anything wrong. I think a lot of time these women click and they just aren't interested in expanding their group. You sound perfectly lovely.

Are you very pretty? They’re probably guarding their husbands.

In my experience of school mums, these are not really the people you want to hang out with.

I think thinking in terms of “inner circle” etc is unhelpful. People often just hang out with people they like. They are probably not including everyone except you. I know it feels like you are being excluded in some way but you probably aren’t. I have one proper mum friend (who’s a superstar and bloody hilarious) and I’m on polite chitchat terms with everyone else. It’s fine. I am always friendly and open to new friendships and make an effort to stop for a chat with whoever wants one but that doesn’t always develop into a friendship.

I think it’s important to separate your child’s friendships from your own. I do understand that in early primary thats going to be blurry but honestly it doesn’t always work out well for everyone involved. One little girl I know was included in quite a “cliquey” (I actually think this is the wrong word, I guess exclusive) group so her parents really didn’t bother with anyone else, but it meant that when she got dropped she didn’t have a wider friendship group. I basically arrange playdates with children my daughter likes, happily the parents have all been lovely (and I think on the same page, doing it for the kids) but I don’t worry too much about if they want to be my friend or not.

Your child may genuinely be better off being widely liked at this point and having a bigger group of friends and as time goes on you may find that a few kids really stick out and they will make firmer friendships. DD’s best friend has changed a couple of times and it can be awkward if you’ve developed a personal relationship with a parent and one of the kids is absolutely not interested anymore.

Honestly, children's friends and friendship groups change so much as they go through school, that it's almost impossible to keep the same Mum friends as the dynamics change. I absolutely could not remain friends with a woman I'd been really quite close to after her DD turned out to be a nasty piece of work.

I can honestly only think of a tiny handful of school Mum friendships around me that lasted beyond primary school, it isn't a big deal.

If you want your child to have play dates you have to do some inviting, don't just wait for the invites to come to you.

Please don't make it into a big thing to worry over.

I’ve never experienced this, I found it to be that the DC would ask to have such and such over for tea so I would then go and find out who there parent is and ask if they could come to our house to play. Usually on the first visit the parent would stay or stay for a bit and then go.

Maybe in time you’ll get to know someone there perhaps a new person. I remember a mum was very outgoing and sociable would organise nights out, going to places together with the children, life and soul of the party. One night she couldn’t come out for a drink at the local and most of the mums cancelled too. When she moved away all the mums drifted apart. I joined local dance fitness groups and then a gym and over the years its been nice place to have a cha

I really don’t get these posts about grown woman trying to make friends in the school playground. I’ve lived in my town for 30 years and I’ve been doing the school run for 20 consecutive years and I have never been interested in talking to a single soul at the school. Yes I answer if someone talks to me or smile and say morning at someone I know, but I have never gone out of my way to approach someone or chat first. Never in 20 years have I ever wanted to make friends with other parents. It’s odd behaviour to me.