Nostalgia, grief and The Summer I Turned Pretty

[Pirandello2404]

Name changed as I feel so embarrassed to be feeling like this about a teen show. I've been watching The Summer I Turned Pretty (a teen/ young adult love triangle drama between a girl and two brothers) and have been knocked sideways by huge feelings of nostalgia and such sadness it feels like grief. I've always found nostalgia difficult to manage- I get drawn to it very easily but it also feels so painful to be in it. I don't know what it is about this programme- maybe it reminds me of my childhood, or maybe it's because it's about intense feelings of love and friendship and I feel very lonely and unloved in my life (single parent with few friends). I'm finding myself binge watching the first two series whilst the third series is still on, and spending hours watching videos about the programme on social media. Help me! Does anyone else get like this? It feels so painful and sad and I hate feeling like this.

I can actually relate to this.
I do this with things all the time and it seems the only way to get past it is to let myself wallow in it and obsess over it for however long it takes for me to eventually move on.

The feeling is like no other. I both love and loathe it. I want to climb into whatever it is that I feel that way over and be completely immersed in it while the other parts of my brain frantically try to force me through the escape hatch.

I found out three years ago, after have these feelings about things at least once or twice a year, that I actually have ADHD and a trigger point is nostalgia and limerence.

I feel for you. It’s both horrible and addicting.

Maybe let yourself feel it so you can come through the other side.

Oh my gosh you have described it so beautifully. Thank you so much, this is honestly exactly how I feel. I want to never let it go but it feels so painful at the same time. It's interesting that you mention ADHD, I am autistic and have often wondered if I also have ADHD. I am doing what you do and allowing myself to immerse myself in it until it passes, which I know it will eventually. I really do want to say thank you though, as you've described it better than I ever could.

@InDistrict12 can I ask you what you get the nostalgia feeling about, mostly? Is it people/ relationships/ places?

People seems to be the most addicting. I find it very very difficult to let it go when I’m in it. Become obsessive and think about the ways my life would be different if I had this person in it. I also daydream about ways I could alter my life (sometimes in very unrealistic ways) to make this person part of my life. That helps actually.

Nostalgia hurts me more though. I spend a lot of emotional and tearful moments spiralling into (what I remember as) the most beautiful memories and feelings from my past and wishing I could go back to it and experience it even for a day. Happens less with nostalgia but still just as painful!

Not sure it's about nostalgia with me, but I also get very obsessed with certain television programmes and characters, particularly if they include a sort of flawed hero type. Would be so bereft and almost mourn when I'd finished the series. Previous obsessions include the Americans, Vampire Diaries and Firefly.

Like you say, it's both a comfort and a source of pain.

I also get hyper fixated on particular events (usually very emotive and/or disasters) like the world wars, aircraft and Everest disasters.

My DD is autistic and likely ADHD and I share many similar traits.

@InDistrict12 yes I do very similar- going back in particular to when I was 16-18. The thing is, I know logically that it wasn't actually a great time for me as a whole- I was really struggling with my mental health. But I felt very connected to and held by my friendship group, and we had some amazing holidays together where I felt very warm and secure. So I think that is the part I mourn.

@Namechange846 I feel very similar. I get very sad when series of books or TV shows come to an end. It's funny that you mention the vampire diaries as it was one of my favourite book series when I was a teenager. I remember feeling bereft when I finished the series, to the point that I couldn't actually watch the TV version as I didn't want to feel that sad again! I think I'm particularly affected by romance storylines, as I feel like I've never experienced that kind of love before (even though I know it's Hollywood and completely unrealistic)

I resonate so much with the idea of not feeling that type of love actually. And I’ve tried to coach my brain into accepting that lost of the romantic relationships and male characters I love have been completely constructed by women so therefore are SUPPOSED to appeal to use on a deeper level.

With regards to your nostalgia post…I have rose tinted glasses and regularly have to remind myself that I was actually miserable in school most of the time. I think a lot of my nostalgia stems from wanting a do-over with it all and correcting where I think I could have been better.

@InDistrict12 yes I try and logic my way out of my feelings by telling myself that these characters Are Not Real, but it doesn't help.

With the nostalgia, I also had some very difficult times in my teenage years but I think it was also the last time I felt properly loved and held by friends who I loved back just as much. I think that's what makes me feel so sad. In better news, I think I am slowly coming out the other side of this particular episode, as I was able to talk to a friend about it without bursting in to tears. So that's something!

I absolutely love this programme and feel strongly about it. Maybe we all wish we were Belly's age again and could make better decisions!

My husband and I were both work8ng full time until recently.. We're both teachers but due to our subjects he works less hard than me (he works 8am till 3pm and rarely brings anything home. I work all the hours God sends until my most recent job where I worked 8sm until 5pm and rarely bring anything home). My contract ended recently so I'm not working at the moment snd my husband moans if I spend any money and tells me off. I am desperately looking for work as he constantly reminds me that we can't survive on his salary. He has spent in the last week £130 on running shoes and over £100 on a massage and an osteopath appointment. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to share his salary with me until I find work? To put this into context. I never get my hair or nails done, get all my stuff including clothes from charity shops and don't spend money on anything else. We have £170,000 of savings, own a house and he earns around £45,000 a year.

@TheAngryPuxie you need to start your own post- maybe ask admin to move your message?

I've found this thread really interesting, I've been feeling similar! The thoughts about ADHD are really interesting as I'm being investigated for that

I also ended up being watching the first two seasons, I have wondered if I've got too immersed as I've watched too much if it took quickly (if that makes any sense!)

Roll on tomorrow anyway, maybe we'll start to feel better!

@Absolutemess yes I'm both sad about and looking forward to tomorrow! I need the internet to move on to something else so I'm not scrolling TSITP videos for hours on end. I have seen all the articles and videos about how everyone is obsessed with the show but it all seems to be in a light-hearted and fun way, not painful in the way it feels for me.

I’m so sorry - this got lost in amongst the 4000 notifications I had 🥴

I’m really glad to hear you’re coming out of this one! It’s always a relief when you can finally fully breathe again.

I’ve not felt it for a while now but the anxiety of it is ability to come back whenever always tilts on the edge of my mind.

I haven’t watched TSITP yet but I get this feeling a lot and certain programmes, films or play trigger it in me. Interestingly I have often wondered if I have ADHD as I have many traits including hyperfocus on this sort of thing

Autistic, probably ADHD, in my 30s and OBSESSED with TSITP. For me it’s romance as the emotion that I get swept away with- DH finds this hilarious!

I actually found the last episode was such utter perfection that I got real closure… until they announced a movie.

But I strongly empathise with scrolling chat about it online for hours- surprised this is the first thing I’ve seen on here!

When I saw the first season trailer I just swerved as it looked appalling, so I’m amazed that it’s become such a phenomenon. I still don’t get it though - is it because it’s just about very nice, very wealthy people just being very nice to each other?

I feel like this at the moment OP. Not about TSITP as I've only watched one episode but nostalgia, it hits me in waves and it consumes me. It's happening more frequently since turning 40 a few years ago and since losing my dad this year. I keep thinking A LOT about my youth and my formative years. Like previous posters, I know I've got rose tinted glasses on but there is a certain security and warmth I feel when I immerse myself in nostalgia. I haven't told this to anybody but my son is accompanying me to a Y6; open evening at my old secondary school next week and I just can't wait. I think and dream about being back in secondary school constantly, i dreamt about it only the other night, some of my old friends and school acquaintances were in it, and one was crying when I spoke to him because he was feeling the same pain. It is so bizarre, I hate feeling like this as I feel like I spend my thoughts on looking back rather than focusing on the future, but at the same time, I don't want to not have these memories if you see what I mean? I genuinely am so excited to go and see my secondary school, my boy thinks I am nuts, he is not even in Y6 yet and we live 20 miles away from the school. At the same time I'm really anxious about how I'll feel afterwards. I'm hoping it's changed beyond recognition and that allows me to put it to bed once and for all.

Eh?

tbh I'm having peaks and troughs. It gets worse when my mental health isn't good, better when I'm distracted or things are feeling more positive

oh god I know what you mean about the movie announcement- I actually felt relief when the last episode ended! And then back down the rabbit hole I go....

I feel so envious of you! No it's not that for me (and for most people I don't think, looking at social media). For me it's the perfect storm of neurodivergent hyperfocus/ obsessiveness on a topic, a tricky relationship with nostalgia (the author wrote the books a while back so essentially it is written for an audience who are now in their 30s at least, and rooted in the love stories popular in the 90s and noughties), a desire to be loved/ feeling a bit lonely. It is really quite painful!

Oh I really feel for you, it's so painful isn't it? You can know logically that it wasn't all great back then, but feelings were so heightened that when things were good they felt so good! And I know for me I miss feeling that way and miss the tight friendships and feelings of closeness I had with friends. I hope it goes ok, just let yourself feel whatever comes up.

Wow. I think I must view this with my (very neurodivergent) daughter!!