Is there a way to manage this kind of drinking?

Framesite · 2025-09-06T14:57:01+00:00

A friend of mine drinks rarely, maybe 4-5 times a year, but when he does, goodness me. He'll be having a great time, life and soul. Lively, but no more so than anyone else in a group that's also been drinking. Talking fine, walking fine etc. Then all of a sudden, he'll become properly plastered. Can't stand, talking nonsense. He doesn't turn nasty, but he is a liability for anyone who's out with him, and getting him home safely becomes a challenge. He always goes out intending to have a couple and no more, but he never does, and as I say, he only does it rarely, but is the only answer for him to not drink at all?

Newyearnewmewoooop · 06/09/2025 15:58

I’m like this. I have no answer unfortunately

HelpMeUnpickThis · 06/09/2025 16:02

Can you ask him to talk to his GP / access local support services / go to AA?

Check out the alcohol support boards.

Original poster

Framesite · 06/09/2025 16:04

HelpMeUnpickThis · 06/09/2025 16:02

Can you ask him to talk to his GP / access local support services / go to AA?

Check out the alcohol support boards.

Is AA for people who drink a handful of times a year? He goes months on end without a drink without any difficulty, it's just when he does drink, he has a problem.

OP posts:

leftoverz · 06/09/2025 16:11

My husband is like this, he's always been the same. These days I usually just remind him he's a lightweight and when I can see he's about to turn I tell him to stop. Thankfully he knows there is the tipping point and usually doesn't argue. If he gets really drunk like this he feels really hungover the next day and these days he really wants to avoid this.

Over the years various friends have found it amusing to get him more drinks than he can handle, so I have made it clear it's their responsibility to look after him. They don't tend to do it again after that.

iirbRosb · 06/09/2025 16:17

I used to be like this; it took me a long time to find my limits. I only have 2-3 drinks now if I go out and I’m strict with myself as I was losing friends over it. It was that realisation that was the tipping point tbh so maybe put it to him that you don’t want to go on nights out with him due to it unless he gets it under control

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 06/09/2025 16:43

I have a friend like this. I stopped going out with him and told him why.

He said well let's go out and I won't drink. So we did, and then when he inevitably said I'll just have one, I left.

He now doesn't drink when he's out with me, so plastered him is only ever someone else's problem.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 07/09/2025 16:13

Framesite · 06/09/2025 16:04

Is AA for people who drink a handful of times a year? He goes months on end without a drink without any difficulty, it's just when he does drink, he has a problem.

Show quote history

@Framesite sorry it took me so long to come back to you.

AA is for anyone who has a desire to stop drinking. There is no threshold re: what that looks like.

From what you described it sounds like your partner is a binge drinker.

A lot of people get caught up with whether it is daily or one off big binges or whether someone still goes to work or not etc

All I can say is that if alcohol is affecting your relationships then you need to look at your drinking.

For you - I would recommend you look at Al Anon - you can do this without your partner. I think it will help you unscramble your head. From your posts it looks like you are trying to fix this for him. I am so sorry but you can't. But you can seek support for yourself - so check out Al Anon.

Just to let you know I am now 3.5 years plus sober (have stopped counting day now) and AA was a huge part of my journey. Also - it's not religious. It's come as you are.

I wish you all the best. Check out Al Anon. PM me anytime.

Original poster

Framesite · 09/09/2025 10:35

HelpMeUnpickThis · 07/09/2025 16:13

@Framesite sorry it took me so long to come back to you.

AA is for anyone who has a desire to stop drinking. There is no threshold re: what that looks like.

From what you described it sounds like your partner is a binge drinker.

A lot of people get caught up with whether it is daily or one off big binges or whether someone still goes to work or not etc

All I can say is that if alcohol is affecting your relationships then you need to look at your drinking.

For you - I would recommend you look at Al Anon - you can do this without your partner. I think it will help you unscramble your head. From your posts it looks like you are trying to fix this for him. I am so sorry but you can't. But you can seek support for yourself - so check out Al Anon.

Just to let you know I am now 3.5 years plus sober (have stopped counting day now) and AA was a huge part of my journey. Also - it's not religious. It's come as you are.

I wish you all the best. Check out Al Anon. PM me anytime.

Show quote history

He doesn't want to stop drinking. He can easily stop drinking, and does for long periods. When he drinks he drinks too much, but it's not a falling off the wagon situation, he'll then go weeks or months without another drink. He wants to be able to enjoy a (very) occasional drink sensibly.

He's not my partner.

OP posts:

x2boys · 09/09/2025 10:38

HelpMeUnpickThis · 06/09/2025 16:02

Can you ask him to talk to his GP / access local support services / go to AA?

Check out the alcohol support boards.

AAis not for people who drink 4 or 5 times a year
He's somone who can't handle alcohol

x2boys · 09/09/2025 10:42

Framesite · 09/09/2025 10:35

He doesn't want to stop drinking. He can easily stop drinking, and does for long periods. When he drinks he drinks too much, but it's not a falling off the wagon situation, he'll then go weeks or months without another drink. He wants to be able to enjoy a (very) occasional drink sensibly.

He's not my partner.

Show quote history

I used to have a friend like this
In the end people stopped inviting her out as she was ruining everybody else's night because she needed to be looked after .

HelpMeUnpickThis · 09/09/2025 10:43

x2boys · 09/09/2025 10:38

AAis not for people who drink 4 or 5 times a year
He's somone who can't handle alcohol

Edited

Show quote history

@x2boys AA is for ANYONE who's drinking is causing some sort of discomfort in their lives and relationships.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 09/09/2025 10:46

Framesite · 09/09/2025 10:35

He doesn't want to stop drinking. He can easily stop drinking, and does for long periods. When he drinks he drinks too much, but it's not a falling off the wagon situation, he'll then go weeks or months without another drink. He wants to be able to enjoy a (very) occasional drink sensibly.

He's not my partner.

Show quote history

@Framesite

Why did you post? Genuine question. Is the drinking an issue for you? Is he the one who is concerned?

I tried to answer your question as best as I could but it seems like I misunderstood what you are looking for based on your reply.

There are some people who are just NOT able to drink sensibly.

I recommend you look at AA / Al-Anon. You can do online meetings with camera off. I think it will help you to clarify what the issue is.

A poor relationship with alcohol is not just about how often you drink / how drunk you get / how long you can go between binges. It is about what is driving your drinking habits and why. AA can help people to figure that out.

blythet · 09/09/2025 10:47

This was me. I didn’t drink too often but when I did, I had no off switch. Once I’d gone beyond 2 drinks there was no stopping me….

I now almost never drink. After about 10 years, I can now have one or 2 but don’t go beyond that as I don’t trust myself to stop.

Personally I would class it as an alcohol issue

Icanttakethisanymore · 09/09/2025 10:52

Does he go out with the intention of moderating and then not stick to it? Or is he a bit "wahey!" from the outset and to hell with the consequences?

Ginmonkeyagain · 09/09/2025 10:53

What's the issue - is he drinking more than others at these social occasions (doubling up, extra sneaky pints) or does he have lower tolerance to alcohol than the people he is drinking with? We all react differently to alcohol so may be he needs to reassess how much he drinks on these occasion, or even stop drink altogether.

JustReal · 09/09/2025 10:53

Can you encourage him to have some drinks in between drinks and slow down?

Sounds like he doesn't gauge his tolerance very well because he doesn't drink much or, he doesn't drink much because he doesn't gauge his tolerance very well...

Original poster

Framesite · 09/09/2025 10:57

Ginmonkeyagain · 09/09/2025 10:53

What's the issue - is he drinking more than others at these social occasions (doubling up, extra sneaky pints) or does he have lower tolerance to alcohol than the people he is drinking with? We all react differently to alcohol so may be he needs to reassess how much he drinks on these occasion, or even stop drink altogether.

A mixture probably. There are some big drinkers in the group and as he drinks infrequently he doesn't tolerate it like they do. I know that, so start skipping rounds or switch to halves after a couple, whereas he'll keep drinking as long as peole bring him drinks.

OP posts:

Original poster

Framesite · 09/09/2025 10:58

Icanttakethisanymore · 09/09/2025 10:52

Does he go out with the intention of moderating and then not stick to it? Or is he a bit "wahey!" from the outset and to hell with the consequences?

He goes out for "a session", a big night out that he doesn't do often, but he intends to have just "enough", not this.

OP posts:

LikeStrawberriesAndCream · 09/09/2025 11:02

I know someone like this - she'd lose her phone/bag, even her shoes(!) on nights out, then refuse to go home at the end of the night. She's been found slumped on benches in the middle of the city in the wee small hours of the morning, having disappeared/staggered off. It was a completely unsafe situation frankly, and v unpleasant for whoever she was with.
The only answer for her was to stop drinking completely - she drinks alcohol free lager now.
Every now and again she does the "oh, I'll just have one drink" thing - always ends the same way. No such thing as "one or two drinks" for people like this, I'm afraid - it's like they have no "off" switch with alcohol.

Icanttakethisanymore · 09/09/2025 11:04

Framesite · 09/09/2025 10:58

He goes out for "a session", a big night out that he doesn't do often, but he intends to have just "enough", not this.

Show quote history

Ok - could he trial setting a limit at the outset? ie. 4 pints and no more? Would you (or another friend) fancy volunteering to help him stick to it?

Ginmonkeyagain · 09/09/2025 11:10

Half pints or bottles might be a good experiment - so he is drinking at the same rate as the bigger drinkers but on the 2/3s or half the amount. Or swapping out every other beer for an alcohol free one may be?

Why does he rarely drink? Is it because he knows this is an issue or is it that he only associates drinking with "big nights out" and then goes off the rails.

He perhaps needs to experiment with moderate drinking - can he go to the pub for just one pint?

if he cannot moderate at all he may need to look in to giving up entirely.

Ginmonkeyagain · 09/09/2025 11:13

Adrian Chiles wrote a good book about trying to moderate his drinking. He said the big revelation for him was the first drink was the best one and then after than most drinking was chasing that feeling the first alcoholic drink gives you, but for diminishing returns.

blythet · 09/09/2025 11:15

LikeStrawberriesAndCream · 09/09/2025 11:02

I know someone like this - she'd lose her phone/bag, even her shoes(!) on nights out, then refuse to go home at the end of the night. She's been found slumped on benches in the middle of the city in the wee small hours of the morning, having disappeared/staggered off. It was a completely unsafe situation frankly, and v unpleasant for whoever she was with.
The only answer for her was to stop drinking completely - she drinks alcohol free lager now.
Every now and again she does the "oh, I'll just have one drink" thing - always ends the same way. No such thing as "one or two drinks" for people like this, I'm afraid - it's like they have no "off" switch with alcohol.

This was me! I now don’t have more than 2 drinks as don’t trust myself to stop if I go beyond that limit. I definitely have no “off switch” after that

RedNine · 09/09/2025 11:15

Icanttakethisanymore · 09/09/2025 11:04

Ok - could he trial setting a limit at the outset? ie. 4 pints and no more? Would you (or another friend) fancy volunteering to help him stick to it?

Show quote history

This is futile as the responsibility for the moderating is shoved onto the people around the person, the person remains untouched by the responsibility. It is counter-intuitive, I know, it feels like helping - to police and monitor alcohol intake - but it really isn't.

OP the best advice I can give is leave the person alone, if their drinking habits are causing you concern or worry, then withdraw.

Wolfiefan · 09/09/2025 11:17

Then he can’t drink.

If he has shown time and again that he can’t drink in moderation then the only option is to stop drinking altogether.