Following on from Mum demanding monthly payments…

[Lifeisinshambles]

Hey everyone.
Sorry for starting another thread, I’ve been feeling okay for the last few days, but it’s all hitting me again now.
Feeling extremely sad about it all.
That she won’t be there to see me get married (if and when that happens), she won’t ever see my future children, I won’t ever be able to just call her up when I need advice on something again, and just thinking of everything about the whole thing is really upsetting me.
But then it is also upsetting me in the opposite way too, that I’m remembering my entire childhood and everything that happened throughout that. I am actually angry that I was handed this card in life.
I think it’s all hitting me more now that it’s becoming clear they’re not coming back, I’m finding it hard to wrap my head around.
I’ve got a therapy phone call booked for Monday morning, I’m sure that will unpack some stuff but tbh I’m not sure where to start!

If anyone has any harsh truths, advice or just any reassurance then that would be lovely.

I don't think you need any harshness. You've had enough. You need honesty, pragmatism, gentleness and a good sense of proportion about how much you've not been treated in a reasonable way.

Because you haven't.

This is so heartbreakingly hard for you at the moment but you really are doing the hard, and the right, thing. For you, and for a healthier future. Which you should have, and I mean that 'should' in a moral sense. Everyone is entitled to a healthy life, you included.

I am no contact with my mother. I have been so for 8 years nearly. She has never met my youngest two children (only met older ones once or twice) - honestly I don't feel like they are missing out. She isn't the kind of person I want in their lives.

How have you dealt with the no contact? Or do you purely dislike her?
Its making things very complicated right now as I keep going between hating her and wanting nothing more than to hug her!

Thank you so much. Sorry if I seem blunt or numb, I think I’m struggling to process it all tbh!
I do hope that I thank myself for this in the future, and not regret it deeply.

I think you're mourning the loss of the relationship with your mother you wish you had/might've been rather than the one you actually had . That's not on you, you can't choose your mother and I've read your other threads, she's really not been good to you.

I haven't spoken to her at all in almost 8 years. Got sick of her dipping in and out, her vile mood swings and lack of awareness of the fact we don't have a mother / daughter bond due to her own actions.

Prior to the no contact she behaved ridiculously to my failing to respond to a WhatsApp message. I have no spoken to her since. She tried to phone/message for a while but gave up.

Do you really want someone incredibly demanding and manipulative meeting your future children?

My family is pretty unproblematic and some people’s behaviours became a bit of an issue once I had kids and saw it all through a new lens…

That’s understandable.
Do you ever imagine how she feels about it all and get upset? That’s what I’m struggling most with right now. Imagining her being upset about it, I can’t really put it into words.

Bluntly, the crapper your mum is, the more you train yourself as a child to try and get her to love you somehow. After a break in the relationship, it makes total sense that you would centre her feelings, but honestly she won't be doing the same in relation to you.

Can you try to think about yourself first, what you need in this moment, what might make you smile? If you notice yourself worrying about her, try and let it pass. It's how your brain got trained to cope in a horrible situation. It isn't based in reality.
The reality is, you need to worry about yourself and what will help you to work out how to live your life in a way that brings you calm and contentment.

Oh darling, of course it's hard and painful at this stage... And I agree with a PP, you need gentleness right now.

All those things you hoped she'd be there for? She would spoil them, you know that? In fact, she'd be even worse, because all the good things - marriage, children - would make her more angry and jealous of you... She would set out to ruin them. And any 'advice' she gave would be entirely in her own interests, not yours (trying to split you up from your partner would be a given). You won't have to deal with that now!

You may have to deal with your own feelings for a while yet, but she won't be adding fuel to that fire. In fact, watch out for her trying to sneak back in when she sees you're getting stronger...

You WILL thank yourself for this in future, I promise you! I'm glad you're getting therapy, it's lovely to be doing something just for you. Keep on this good path! You deserve it!

No I really don't. My priority is myself and my children. She has made her bed and she can lie in it.

I feel like such a bad person, a disappointment and genuinely evil for doing this

It sounds stupid and dramatic I know, and actually she is the one who said don’t speak to her anymore. I don’t know why I feel like this. Rationally, I keep telling myself it’s not true, and even telling myself reasons why, but then I’m thinking, am I wrong in the head?? Is it disgusting that they’re not in my life anymore?
I don’t know, the more I think about it, it almost freaks me out and is too much to bare.

They're big feelings so of course it seems dramatic but it's just how it is for now. It will settle.

Is there anyone you can spend time with who bigs you up and reassures you you're not doing anything wrong?

All she will be upset about is that you have escaped her control, and she can no longer abuse you.

You are grieving the mother you should have had, not the toxic one you were landed with.

I have been NC with my mother for over 13 years and am honestly so relieved not to have to deal with her nastiness any more. 💐

Edited to add: I have a few friends who are at least 16 years older than me and really enjoy their company, wisdom and guidance. You can find a suitable replacement!!!

When you feel all those things - It’s not you, that’s her voice, internalised. Youve had her being so awful to you from such a young age it’s no wonder you feel this way. But it isn’t you. You are not evil or bad, she’s putting whatever her shit is on you and you’ve been trained from a young age to believe it.

Contrary to being a bad person or anything of the sort, you’ve done something immensely courageous and kind for yourself by saying no to her. The way she has reacted is not your fault. And I hate to say it but if she felt bad don’t you think she’d stop tormenting you and being so cruel? Whatever has gone wrong in her head to make her like this the hard truth is she has been no mother to you and has no interest in being a healthy, supportive and positive influence in your life. That is not your fault. She tries to make you feel it is but it is not.

I know it seems hard now but it will get easier. What you need now is peace and time to be away from her so you can begin to heal. I’ve been where you are and it’s rough but I can truly tell you life gets so much better once you don’t have someone - the person who is meant to love and protect and support you - harming you all the time and messing with your head.

You’ve been so brave and I hope in time you can come to understand that and feel immense pride. Sending you strength.

Bless you OP! I’ve been thinking of you since your last thread. I wish you only the best going forward. You’ve had a really hard start in life but that can now change. Keep going!! Please don’t contact them even if it’s hard. Youre better off without them and remember they are the ones in the wrong!

The best thing to do, lovely, is not to dwell on it too much. They can make you feel physically sick, these feelings, with self-loathing. But you -can- slowly move on. As @ForWildLemon says, this is her meanness to you, internalized. We do that as a child because we have to depend on our mothers for survival. So they can't be bad, when they are mean to us, ... we are bad. (This is not the same as a good mother setting healthy boundaries and healthy discipline, not at all).

Breaking free of this, this terrible ownership by a parent, is part of growing up and it's been known about and written with compassion about for centuries. There have also been harsh words for parents who demand their children's utter obedience and suck their lives dry in return for giving birth to them, too. As one of several authors put it, "she demands a very high price for providing nine months' lodging and a begrudged upbringing".

@Lifeisinshambles you feel as you do because of the damage that toxic parenting has done to you. Sad as you feel now, you've broken the grasp of that toxicity which means it can't now seep into those life events you're looking forward to and taint them too. Focus on yourself, heal, and surround yourself with decent people who value you for you. Wishing you the very best of everything.

Hi, sorry I abandoned this thread for so long. I have had no contact with my parents since this. It’s been pretty hard. I have been put on sertraline 50mg. I feel ok when I am on it, if I forget for one day everything comes crashing down again. I am of course ‘holding it together’. Not sure I’d like anyone in my real life to know that I cry most mornings, after my partner goes to work and I’m alone.
I feel almost as though I am grieving them, but also very very angry and almost embarrassed ? that I was given this hand in life. I wish things were different. I often think that maybe this is all a mistake and I need to get them back. I’ve had a lot of life events happen since our no contact, and every time I have thought, I wish I had my parents. I feel very sad that they will not be at my wedding, they will not see my future kids, they have no idea what’s actually going on in my life. I think the lead up to Christmas is making everything much harder. Unsure whether I should send a card? What I would even say, I don’t know. If anyone still remembers this thread, thank you for all of your help in the beginning.

I feel so angry that this is my life. That I’m left with the trauma of my childhood and they can sit there and deny it happened. It makes me wonder if I made it all up? If none of it really happened and I’ve just convinced myself it has? But I can see it in my mind, vividly. But what if that is a delusion? What if I’m actually insane, and none of it happened.

Yes to all of the above.
I have OCD, maybe that’s why. Or maybe it’s because I’m traumatised from the childhood they gave me and therefor am having trouble recuperating after being left with no parents. I am very early twenties, maybe I shouldn’t need them anymore but it feels like it’s been ripped away from me

Surely then you have your children and their childhood to focus your energy on. Make that stable, loving and positive. Aim for the opposite of what you had. In order to do that though, you’re going to have to stop spending hours of the day thinking about your mum and childhood.

are you planning future children?

I don’t have children?

a job and friends and exercise…. You have a lot of positives op. Now! That is what you should focus on