So what do you do.. when you love and care for your male partner but your longing is for a woman?

[LEM0NADEY]

You’ve been through so much, you love him and care for him. But the feelings for women are strong like they have not been before.

I am lost. We have been through all the stuff. I trust him, he’s a great man. We travelled the world together. We fought the people who abused us

But now here I am longing for the touch of a woman. It’s all I think about when I am making love to him.

where do we go?

You hope that by being honest that this isn't what you want anymore there's can be a happy future ahead for both of you.

You set the both of you free to go and find people who will bring you joy

But I want him and I want to grow old with him. But platonically. I want to lay with women and I cry for this

Well you can't, can you. You have to choose

You either leave him to pursue relationships with women, talk to him and agree on an open relationship, or you stay with him and don't cheat.

So how do you squash the feelings?

Did you not know before you were married OP? Have you ever told him you like women, or even been with a woman?

Or how do you know that it’s just an escapism from your incredibly difficult life and what you really need is him and his kind warmth?

Whatever dilemma you are in, it is important you are not lying to your partner and letting him believe that you are happy in the relationship. Perhaps you need to start therapy to uncover your own feelings and sexuality, so that you can lead a honest life and set him free, if that might be the outcome.

I second going to therapy.

And don't do a Schofield.

Get some therapy and decide what you want. Really.

If you love and care for him, you tell him the truth and don't allow him to live a life which is, essentially a lie.

Never live your life as a lie, it’s a disservice to yourself and robs your partner of a genuine relationship.

You must be honest with him and be prepared that he will not want to be part of your life anymore.

Have you got someone else in mind? Either way, poor man.

It's no different to being in a (what he has presumably been led to believe is a monogamous) relationship with one man and finding yourself obsessed with a different man: You either quash your infatuation, or you admit to your partner how you're feeling and let him make an informed choice about whether he wants to stay with you, or you leave your current relationship. Those are the only ethical options.

Agree that its no different to a straight woman in a long term relationship who gets a longing to 'lay' with another man.
You either end the relationship or just accept you can't have what you want. You can't have it both ways.

I sympathise - I am attracted to both sexes and always have been, but I am with a man. Sometimes my longing for a woman is painful, but I have had to make a choice because I want the stability and love of a monogamous relationship.

Talk to him. Some men are open to their partner exploring their sexuality if it's with a woman. But you are basically saying that you love him in a platonic way so maybe you're lesbian and you should keep him as a friend ?

Well I’m not feeling this intentionally. In fact I have tried to fight it but this keeps coming back

Thank you. Your words make sense and I will reflect on them

Yes I no longer really feel any sexual attraction to him. But I love and care for him dearly

Must I? He is happy, he would be sad if I told him this, it would break his heart

You really have to discuss this with him.
How would you feel if it was the other way round? Wouldn't you want to know he felt this way?
I don't know how it will pan out for you but you just can't have a relationship without trust. And you are essentially lying to him. You need to tell the truth. You need to work it out together. It's not fair to him or to you to keep your feelings hidden.

You know its wrong to lie to him though. You are effectively using him to fulfill a need for security whilst he is there thinking this is mutual sexual desire. If you love him you owe him the truth. Yes it will hurt him. Yes it might cause the end of the relationship. But you can't make someone unwittingly live a lie for you and tell yourself you are doing it for their own good. You must know that's wrong?
And can you honestly do this to yourself forever??

Okay but I have several friends who live every day a lie and they are heterosexual. They hate their husbands. They haven’t made love for years. Surely it’s better that I love him, even saying that I wonder to myself what I am doing