Stewing Over A Racist Encounter

[ThisWillAllEndInTears]

Following a lovely Bank Holiday weekend, DP and I went for drinks at one of our favourite pubs. Had some random chat with a guy who sat next to us. Seemed nice. Common for us chat with other punters when we're out and about. We're talking about how lucky we are with where we live then boom, out of nowhere, he shares an ugly racist observation. Totally unexpected. DP stood and said "well I think we'll be leaving" and we just put our drinks down and left. Guy seemed stunned "really? Oh, OK then". And now DP and are really upset. And I know this is small by comparison to what a lot of people endure but I'm just horrified that anyone would be so comfortable in saying what he said to 2 strangers he had just met... And from nowhere. Like, it came right in from nowhere. Am really upset now and in a right funk about it. How do I shake this off?

Those of us who are brown or black are increasingly used to this. You shake it off by realising the world is full of bigots who think everyone is bigoted.
I have a DD who passes for white despite being Asian. People are always telling her racist shit because they think she is Spanish or Italian.

I’m sorry you’ve had to encounter this. Was it directed at you and DH or a generalised racist comment?

I think ‘right we’ll be off then’ was signal enough that what he said was wrong and won’t be tolerated. The alternative was to get in to an awkward back and forth, or even a fight. You didn’t not do anything, you just didn’t make it in to a scene whilst also addressing it by leaving.

Yes, you did the right thing in just leaving.

Unfortunately as a Black British woman I’ve been experiencing more racism recently. It’s like the racists feel more emboldened to spout their bile. Well done for walking off and not tolerating it, I just wish more people would and would like to think this isn’t a racist country but I’m losing faith.

Urgh we had a lovely weekend in Prague tarnished once by some loud overbearing Americans spilling out a load of rascist bile about how Eastern Europe is great because they send black people back.

We also paid up and left, but seriously what is wrong with people?

To some extent, it depends what happened, but I understand if you don't want to share

I am also a woman of colour and for me it's mostly been random shouting in the street and on one occasion, being barged through in a shop accompanied by a remark - given the language I think the person really intended to hurt me.

In the situation you describe, a friend of mine actually sat and had a drink with a bloke in a pub while on holiday. And at the end of the conversation, the guy said to him "well I've really enjoyed chatting to you. It's just such a shame you're a (insert horrendous term). Bye then." And walked off laughing.

He now never talks to anyone at the bar. He's heard a lot of shit, but he said that was the one that he really struggled to process.

maybe you're going be angry for a few days. I always am. I wish I wasn't. But I really struggle with it.

It was not directed at us - we are white and which is why I would fully understand people responding to this post with "oh wait whilst I get my tiny violin out". People deal with vile racist abuse all the time in their daily lives. And I would never equate what just happened to me with that. I DO feel this is a symptom of the current times. Racist bigots are feeling emboldened enough to share their views with a couple of strangers. I'm not naive about people's views, but to have someone just share it like its OK, and worse, with the idea that I WOULD BE OK WITH THAT??? Thats a new one on me.

That's horrific. I'm so sorry.

People just seem more confident in voicing their views. I think the views were always there, they just think it’s ok to say it out loud. As a white middle aged women, I’ve had plenty of blokes (more men than women) share their view so assuming they must think I would share their view too. Sometimes I say something to knock it back but sometimes it’s not the right time. Definitely been more recently.

Yes, people are more confident. For all the reasons in the news.

There are a lot of shitty bigoted people out there. It's very sad.

I find it a constant now. I'm white. People think it's ok to blurt out their opinions and I'm going to agree. We live near a migrant hotel and so many people round us - retired teachers etc - hate it and think I want to hear it. I don't.
I thought as a country we were moving away from being proud to be racist but looks like we are back in the 1960s/70s/80s. People quoting bloody Enoch Powell or actually misquoting.

I am sorry for posters who are experiencing bigoted and verbal abuse and downright rascist violence. This is not the country we have strived to be.it sickens me.

I work very closely with vulnerable and struggling people and get a huge amount of 'them refugees get houses and everything instead of me...' comments (that's the tame version!)

Professionally, I have to say along the lines of 'we're not discussing anyone else are we Dave? It's about what we're doing for you'. Personally I want to walk out and never go back.

People are emboldened to be racist and spout what they've always thought lately, probably assuming im thinking the same (over 60 woman!). It's sickening and is only getting worse

bugots assume you’re not offended because you’re white

I would be interested in what he said unless you feel it’s too much to write it down. I’m mixed race and very occasionally some stuff that people think is racist isn’t.

I’d also be interested to know what was said.

Sorry it happened but I agree with the comment that overt racism is more common than it used to be. It never really went away; but people did feel inhibited from being explicit.

I noticed after the riots that in my part of London that there was a lot of chat about “new neighbours” and “having to be careful”. All directed at new neighbours who were not white. These people don’t wave England flags at you but they don’t have to.

So your husband didn’t correct the man and just flounced off?

Read this, racists. This is the shit you are causing normal people, and you are ruining our country in the process. Patriotism, my arse. My dad fought in the 39-45 war, and he wouldn’t have given these new racists the time of day.
I’m sorry this happened to you OP and others. I’m reading and seeing it too, and it’s disgusting.

What happens when you can't walk away ? When you have to work with or serve these people ?

What then ?

Well, you report them to your manager or to HR if you work with them, and you don’t have to serve someone who is being overtly racist.

Appreciate this requires proper systems in place and employees that also take a zero tolerance approach….

I had a similar situation on holiday with friends - an acquaintance of theirs from the same resort came up with his wife and within a few minutes made an extremely offensive racial remark. My friend made arrangements to meet them for dinner which I refused to attend. It made things a bit awkward, sure, but I stuck to my guns.
I wouldn't want to spend any time with someone who thought that way.

Should you just accept people have different opinions to yours? Honestly, I don't think I can. I certainly won't sit down to dinner with a bigot.

Should you just accept people have different opinions to yours?

I don't do hate.