The childcare debate

[ClawsandEffect]

I'm the grandparent in this equation. I do about 30 hours a week of childcare, including some overnights. I adore my DGC and don't want to stop doing it. But I also work full-time (WFH) and am exhausted.

Edited to say, I didn't have this support when I was the parent. And as a feminist I think it's essential DGC's mother works.

It’s the great grandparent revolt – and it shows we parents aren’t the only ones burnt out by family life | Rhiannon Lucy Cosslett | The Guardian

Which is possibly a very small part in why (as well as the systematic run down of the NHS) it is on its knees.

I think it is essential that everyone works, health permitting. I don't think it is essential to have children.
I will be telling my DC that if they can't afford childcare, they shouldn't have kids as I can't and won't provide regular childcare. I am ok with not having grandchildren.

Or they have left nursing, emergency services social work etc as the childcare isn't available for them to do their jobs.

The ones I know have partners in different jobs.

I agree but that doesn’t mean grandparents should step in and do 30 hours of childcare a week plus working full time. That’s not healthy and sounds exhausting.

If you are working then there must be a middle ground. Childminder is fine . You could maybe do one evening and the weekend if you enjoy it. But also your daughter and son in law may need to look at their working hours if they often can’t even spend weekends with their kids? Or be around in the evening? It shouldn’t be on you to be the one to change your working hours!
How lucky they are..

I think the argument is that schools are not childcare. But I also think if other countries can find a way to provide affordable childcare and keep women in work (see France, Germany, the Scandi countries) then why can’t we?

That doesn’t mean grandparents HAVE to step in. I’ve seen family members become entirely burnt out by the expectation of providing childcare and it’s to the point that they’re only seen as childcare, not grandparents first and foremost

And there are many many lower paid NHS staff that have children that have to work nights and weekends. As well as police and other emergency service workers.

I'm aware of this, have family & friends in the roles. But both parents don't work as you are suggesting & they all still work. They did all use childcare though.

I think the argument is that schools are not childcare. But I also think if other countries can find a way to provide affordable childcare and keep women in work (see France, Germany, the Scandi countries) then why can’t we?

Even in those countries those it's not normal for overnight & weekend childcare.

Exactly the point. And I completely agree, schools are not childcare (ex teacher!).

Balancing ft work with caring responsibilities is incredibly challenging. Your setup sounds very generous, OP.

There are lots of variables (working hours, availability and affordability of professional childcare, availability of family childcare, numbers and ages of children) and it's hard to envisage a simple solution which works for all.

I've paid a lot for childcare over the years (lone parent, full time job but standard hours). It's easy to feel jealous of families with willing/able grandparents, or of those who've benefited from more generous state funding (30hrs at younger ages etc), or who are wfh whilst caring for children. Mostly I try to resist that though because it's hard all round, and I'm sure there are things others in those setups (or others) might envy me for: I've always been home to do bedtimes, for eg, and I've kept a stable job which will hopefully start to pay off more and more over time.

I'm sorry, I can't bring myself to click the guardian link, because RLC drives me slightly mad. Her writing might have resonated more with me when my children were the same age, or younger than hers. It always feels a bit like old news.

I think it is essential that everyone works, health permitting. I don't think it is essential to have children.

I believe more women with dependent dc are in work than women without dependent dc.

That's very interesting. Is that because women without dependent dc includes the currently retired (who of course retired much younger than most of us will be able to)?

Pointing out the flaw in your statement isn't nasty.

I have not read the link either because RLCs writing is all very much " I am the first woman ever to have given birth look at me".

You need to do less. As you need time for yourself also. The parents need to pay for some childcare. I understand you want to help. Working yourself to an early grave isn't the answer.

Even if both parents are health care professionals, they shouldn’t both be on call on the same day - my husband and I (both juniors doctors) went through our rotas and worked it out so we would never be working an out of hours shift on the same day. Rota coordinators have to take this into consideration and I have yet to come across one who made an issue of this. There are plenty of HCPs married/partnered with other HCPs. That way, whichever parent isn’t on call looks after the children. We do not have any help from grandparents either

@ClawsandEffect no idea tbh, heard it on the radio recently about birth rates but it stuck out to me. Presumably it's because of earlier retirement, older women worked less vs now etc.

@Ohfeatherduster that's my experience too hence why I assumed the OPs child is a single parent.

The problem is our work culture, not childcare per se.

My dc are the upper end of primary, I work p/t & flexi, DH is hybrid & we still need to use childcare.

That would be too much for a parent, let alone a grandparent! The parents are expecting way too much of you. They need to restructure their lives/budgets to find another solution.

This. I get your point OP, you're completely right about the system but the parents need to be absorbing the stress/cost of the lack of infrastructure and it sounds like you're absorbing it all instead. FT work plus 30 hours childcare would kill me and I'm much younger than you.

Don’t these children have two parents though?

Part of deciding to have a family is making sure your lifestyle works for one, and making changes or finding ways to make it work, so both parents working irregular shifts, nights etc doesn’t work really without £££ for help but if one parent works consistent say 9-5 it’s a non issue?

You’re doing the job the child’s father should be doing.

Lots and lots of people have to change their working hours and compromise when having kids. That’s part of the consideration when having children.

You don’t expect life to continue as it was and hand them over to grandparents for 30 hours a week!