Have I “failed to launch”?

[PauliesWalnuts]

I’ve been thinking about this after reading the thread about people who give up on life for varying reasons and ended up wondering if I would be considered to be in this category.

I had a fairly normal family upbringing in the 70s and 80s. My parents had a few marital issues (Dad was a stonewaller) which affected my GCSEs, and I scraped through school and eventually fell into admin work and became an EA. I am an introvert but do have a small number of close friends around the country.

In my very early 20’s my mum got cancer and I cared for her at home for 18 months until she died. I then moved out and eventually moved to London in my late 20s with a job relocation. My dad also got cancer in my v early 30s and I moved home to look after him for the last year of his life before staying in my home city and buying a house as I couldn’t afford to do this in London.

During this time my friends got on with life - meeting partners, getting married, buying homes and having kids. I have always been very plain, was very shy when I was young, and was a very late starter. I have only had three long term relationships and have never lived with anyone, got married, or had children. I have tried OLD but this was an epic fail both in London and my home city and I spent from 35 to 48 single.

Again time moves on and I’m now 53. My friends are watching children graduate or even get married and have their own kids. They are getting promoted and paying off mortgages or buying camper vans with pension lump sums. I had a lovely relationship with a single dad for four years end suddenly last year because he admitted that he never saw a future with me and was just biding time. He didn’t even introduce me to his kids or family which I put down to Covid but was actually because he just didn’t want to.

I tend to see my friends several weekends in the year or during the weeknights as they spend most weekends with their families. I go out, have hobbies, hike, cycle, and swim regularly, and go on holiday every year but these tend to be solo trips for the reasons outlined above.

My godchild recently graduated and I was invited to their graduation dinner. My friend’s parents (who I grew up next door to and who knew my family very well) were talking to someone else not realising that I could hear. They said that they were surprised that I’d never progressed in life like normal people, and that my parents would have been sad that I never married, had kids, or a successful career, as were they. My friend’s dad said that he was disappointed that I had never managed to “seal the deal on life” and that I was too nice to go through life on my own. I know that single women with no kids are supposed to be the happiest, but I did want a husband and kids, and so the last relationship was lovely for me, until he decided that it wasn’t.

I didn’t let on that I had heard but it made me feel pretty low, and my self esteem has taken quite a knock in the months since then. I have always felt that despite trying, I have ended up treading water for most of my life while my peers have raced to the end of the pool. I don’t think it’s jealousy, or envy, but I do have a feeling that I missed out on most of life’s major milestones. And I’m not sure I can change this.

Do you think I have failed to launch? Any advice?

No. You have friends, you have hobbies and a rich and varied life. I have several friends like you and they bring a different perspective to life which I value greatly. People like you enrich my life.

You have not “failed to launch”. People have different lives and different experiences. The question is: are you happy, OP?

I am your age. I have several single friends. I don't consider them failures, though I am a married mum.Getting married is not an achievement. Neither is having children.
My friends are usually interesting and nice. I don't care what 'milestones' they have achieved.

Not at all! You’ve stepped up massively for both of your parents and given of yourself in the most important and no doubt painful ways. You’re incredibly independent and while your life hasn’t included all of the experiences you’d hoped to have, so far, you’ve clearly built a full and meaningful life.

No. You’ve lived in London ( terrifying), you have sustained long standing friendships, a god daughter, hobbies.

You haven’t found a life mate- but is that worse than getting one, being cheated on or abused? The number of people who have a successful long term relationship isn’t as high as all that.

You definitely haven’t failed to launch.

I wouldn’t say so at all. You haven’t gotten married or had children, but many people don’t do that. But you’ve moved away from home, lived in London, dated, cared for two dying parents at a very young age, moved again, bought a home, etc.

I have a couple friends who I would describe as having ‘failed to launch.’ They literally have never moved out of the family home (we’re in our mid to late 40s now), barely left a quite small town, never really dated, never bought a house, never really did much more than NMW level jobs, despite actually being quite bright, most of their friends are online ones through crafting groups who they’ve never met. Like they are pretty much in the same place doing the same thing as when we finished secondary school like 30 years ago.

Is there something you want to do that you haven’t done? I’m at a place in life where I’m starting to take stock of what things I’d regret never doing if I was to, say, look back on my life when I’m 80. Think about who you still want to become and then, well, do it. You don’t have caring responsibilities now. You still have 20-30 years of life when you can expect to be reasonably well and mobile. What do you want to do with it? Maybe you feel like you haven’t launched, though I wouldn’t say that’s the case, but no reason you can’t launch now.

I like to hike and swim too, so we would get on. I never even ask about people's families unless they mention them.

I could pick apart my life. There are areas I haven’t been successful. I happen to have stayed with my husband for 35 years and had 2dc, which is great, it it’s not virtue or success on my part. It could equally be seen as a failure to leave him!

I don't think you have. I think he means the things that make most people happy haven't happened for you and that makes him feel bad because he likes you and wants you to be happy.

On the relationship front it does sound as if you just haven't clicked with anyone. Have you tried old with paid for sites? My friends have had much more luck with those than the freebies. Are there other ways you could build a family of sorts? Sponsor a child?

Career wise - what do you want to do for a living? Being an EA is great if that's what you want to do. If you wanted to be a surgeon then it's probably a disappointment. You have to measure your success by your own criteria, not other peoples. I'd recommend reading how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. It'll help you figure out what you want and why, and how you can get your life moving in the right direction for you.

So sorry you overhead that, that must have been really horrible to hear. However I think everyone’s lives are different. Everyone takes different paths, and the world needs every kind of person. You sound like you have a nice life in many ways and have lots of varied experiences and continue to have hobbies and friends and trips. The only thing that really matters is whether you’re happy and enjoying yourself. If you’re not then maybe take this as a sign that you need a change. Shake things up in some way. It might open some new doors. The ship may have sailed for having kids but there’s nothing to say the love of your life is not right round the corner, and they could absolutely have some children in their life and you could find yourself very much weaved into a big happy family one day in the future. And there may well be grandchildren for you to bond with in future etc. So few people in my family showed an interest in my kids, so there was a very much a vacancy for my dad’s wife (who had no children of her own and met him when we were late teens) who swooped in and provided regular consistent visits and lots of love and became a much bigger part in my kids lives than some of their bio grandparents. So all of this could be you (if you want it to be)
please don’t be down on yourself, you sound lovely and I bet you you bring such light and joy to the lives of people around you x

Not imo, not at all.

You have had to cope with an awful lot, caring for both of your parents in their final years when you were very young. You don't mention siblings, but regardless it sounds like you carried this alone. That is huge.

You've built strong friendships and spend your free time doing a variety of interesting things.

Your friend's dad's comment and judgement of you was really narrow minded and unkind imo.

I'm sorry your last relationship ended painfully. I really wish you well in the future, you have so much to be proud of in both how you live your life and the kind of person you are.

You've walked a different path that's all OP. Not necessarily better or worse.

People who expect everyone to pass the same milestones perhaps lack imagination.

At 53 you still have years ahead of you and are utterly free to do as you please with them. You can launch yourself any way you please or, if it makes you happy stay treading water in the lovely pool of your choice. Don't let other peoples' limitations limit you.

I guess if had a friend who wanted marriage and kids and that didn’t happen for whatever reason I’d feel sad on their behalf. I wouldn’t describe that as a ‘failure to launch’ by any means. There are plenty of people that spend their entire lives online and barely leave home - that’s what failure to launch looks like.

OP, you’ve always worked and supported yourself financially, and buying a house is a big achievement these days, especially as a single person.

It sounds as if your friend’s parents have a very narrow view of success, which is probably based on what most women’s lives looked like for their generation. Many of them probably had to settle for rubbish men and unhappy marriages though, so your option to keep your standards high and live independently is worth celebrating.

You bought a house by yourself? That's an achievement in itself. Failure to launch means lying in bed all day, being excessively online, never leaving home and being a drain.

TBH OP I think the problem is there are too many lovely women and not nearly enough decent men. You definitely haven't failed to launch though - you're not sat in your parents home with no job, playing computer games all day and night!

It was really rude of all those people to be discussing you while you were there but I would say they seem to think you are too lovely to be single and may just be just a bit sad on your behalf that you didn't get snapped up and have a family. They may well also think that it was a shame you have had to spend so much of your life selflessly caring for others and admire what a good person you are.

The problem of course is that whether they're right or wrong in their assumptions, no one wants a group of other people having a pity party on their behalf! For all they know you might be extremely happy in your current position! It's not up to them to decide what will make you happy!

Just work on that - what would you like now and what can you do to get yourself there.

OP you sounds bloody amazing to me. I really mean it. You nursed both your parents through horrible illnesses until they died, that's incredibly brave and loving of you. And you were so young with your Mum and still pretty young with your Dad. You've lived in London, something I could never do as I'm afraid of the roads and also the public transport.
You hike and swim and cycle regularly - I am very envious that you have the grit to do these things.
I'm sorry that you haven't had what you wanted, but you sounds like a really good, interesting and strong person to me.

I suppose it means different things to different people but for me personally “fail to launch” is for those who didn’t bother to study/work, didn’t move out from parents, avoid any adult responsibility, my BIL is a classic example, a grown man in his 30’s who still lives as though he’s 15. So no I wouldn’t say you meet that definition of “fail to launch”.

I have friends who have no interest in marriage & kids and have amazing, full lives but I think the difference for you is that you wanted those things and haven’t had them. I wouldn’t call that a failure but if I would feel sad for you if you were my friend, not because I think you need marriage/kids to be happy at all but because I know you wanted those things and didn’t get them and that does make me feel sad for you. I am married with children and as I say I have friends who have no interest in those things and I’ve never once felt sad for them despite us having very different lives we are great friends and I think we add a lot to each others lives. Yes getting married and having children are huge milestones but they are not the only milestones, and not everybody wants them, but it makes me sad to think somebody who did want them didn’t get to experience them.

You haven’t failed to launch.

a successful life is not one that has married two kids career.

there are many ways to have a successful life.

i never had the career my dad thought I should have because I became disabled.

but I’m having a wonderful life anyway.
I love my cats and I love my garden and I love music.

You're in the middle age. You are bound to be reflective. Everyone is, regardless of what they've collected along the way (be that children, divorces, drug habits).

The people you overheard were thoughtless (their perspective says more about them than you) and the last boyfriend was very unkind (again, probably says more about him than you). You have a history of bravery (moving to London) and love (caring for your dad).

You sound interesting and fun. And living life in your own space is my fantasy life. Life is not a bingo card where you dab off the squares, it's up to you to make the life you want and deserve.

Absolutely. We all reflect and regret. I think I have focused rather too much in my family.

Thank you for all the lovely messages and advice and book recommends - some of them made me cry! I think I am getting reflective as I’m now the same age my mum was when she died, and I’m dwelling on everything I haven’t achieved rather than what I have.

i do feel that I need to change something in order to “move forward”. I had planned a gap year after downsizing but the silly house (which I bought because my mum and dad died and left me money) wouldn’t sell so that’s another period of treading water. I guess so just need to be patient, and not take other threads so seriously! Thank you all so much for the thorough talking to xx

People with kids feel the need to justify why they had them. Just allow them to envy your life. None of us gets the life we might have imagined. I do know that my parent dying when I was 20 shaped everything that came after. I’m married finally in my 50s but it’s not perfect and being single is absolutely fine. I may be single again soon. OP, you are fine as you are x

OP my best friend who I have known for 30 years since secondary school is a really lovely but introverted, shy person. She was and still is absolutely stunning - a real head turner with long blonde hair and blue eyes and the same slim figure she had since she was a teen. Everywhere we go she gets male attention and I'm always the ugly sister in comparison. No one understands why she has never in her life had a serious relationship and has never lived with a man, never had kids. My parents comment on it every time they see her (to me privately) as they are bemused by it given her looks. she has stayed in our home town, has had the same admin job in the same company since she left education ca 20 years ago.

HOWEVER, she's totally enjoying her life - just living it differently to some other people. She travels the the world, is very respected at work (and now well-paid) as she has been there such a long time, she dates and sleeps with whomever she wants to but doesn't have any commitments and no intention to commit or even get a pet. This means she's totally free to travel whenever she wants, spends money on herself and as I say - looks fantastic, has spontaneous weekends in Rome or Paris, travels South America etc etc. She usually travels alone but meets people there or meets up with friends for parts of the trips. She speaks many languages fluently as she has time to take online courses. She doesn't wants kids or a man to tell her what to do. She also has hobbies that she can take up spontaneously and dedicate time to and then go abroad to further pursue tjem. She has friends all over world. Honestly, I'm super jealous of her life!!!

I, on the other hand, look like shit, am always broke, am divorced with an idiotic ex-husband and an expensive teen, many pets, constant stress and am never free (or solvent enough) to do anything for myself. Albeit on paper I "launched" by moving abroad for uni, getting a career, getting married and having a kid.

You should look at your life from a different perspective.

Nooooooo…
Sweetheart, you have not failed to launch.
You’ve been kind and loving daughter to your parents.
You have a full and rich life - job, home-owner, financial independence. Friends who you keep up with. Healthy hobbies and interests to keep you busy.

I am so sorry you overheard this cruel and dismissive pronouncement. Please reject it all, draw a line and forget it. You sound like a lovely person and deserve to hear that.

X