Have I “failed to launch”?

[PauliesWalnuts]

I’ve been thinking about this after reading the thread about people who give up on life for varying reasons and ended up wondering if I would be considered to be in this category.

I had a fairly normal family upbringing in the 70s and 80s. My parents had a few marital issues (Dad was a stonewaller) which affected my GCSEs, and I scraped through school and eventually fell into admin work and became an EA. I am an introvert but do have a small number of close friends around the country.

In my very early 20’s my mum got cancer and I cared for her at home for 18 months until she died. I then moved out and eventually moved to London in my late 20s with a job relocation. My dad also got cancer in my v early 30s and I moved home to look after him for the last year of his life before staying in my home city and buying a house as I couldn’t afford to do this in London.

During this time my friends got on with life - meeting partners, getting married, buying homes and having kids. I have always been very plain, was very shy when I was young, and was a very late starter. I have only had three long term relationships and have never lived with anyone, got married, or had children. I have tried OLD but this was an epic fail both in London and my home city and I spent from 35 to 48 single.

Again time moves on and I’m now 53. My friends are watching children graduate or even get married and have their own kids. They are getting promoted and paying off mortgages or buying camper vans with pension lump sums. I had a lovely relationship with a single dad for four years end suddenly last year because he admitted that he never saw a future with me and was just biding time. He didn’t even introduce me to his kids or family which I put down to Covid but was actually because he just didn’t want to.

I tend to see my friends several weekends in the year or during the weeknights as they spend most weekends with their families. I go out, have hobbies, hike, cycle, and swim regularly, and go on holiday every year but these tend to be solo trips for the reasons outlined above.

My godchild recently graduated and I was invited to their graduation dinner. My friend’s parents (who I grew up next door to and who knew my family very well) were talking to someone else not realising that I could hear. They said that they were surprised that I’d never progressed in life like normal people, and that my parents would have been sad that I never married, had kids, or a successful career, as were they. My friend’s dad said that he was disappointed that I had never managed to “seal the deal on life” and that I was too nice to go through life on my own. I know that single women with no kids are supposed to be the happiest, but I did want a husband and kids, and so the last relationship was lovely for me, until he decided that it wasn’t.

I didn’t let on that I had heard but it made me feel pretty low, and my self esteem has taken quite a knock in the months since then. I have always felt that despite trying, I have ended up treading water for most of my life while my peers have raced to the end of the pool. I don’t think it’s jealousy, or envy, but I do have a feeling that I missed out on most of life’s major milestones. And I’m not sure I can change this.

Do you think I have failed to launch? Any advice?

It was a terrible thing for him to say. Life takes people in different directions. My life hasn’t been what I imagined, but I’ve done the best I could at each stage with what I had.
I see people I was at school with that got wildly exciting jobs and seemed to do really well- but they all went to London which I’d have hated.

I’d say we all have a variety of dream alternate lives we could have had. Maybe we should have moved to Ibiza when we were 21 and run a bar. Maybe we should have gone self sufficient with a small holding in mid wales, home schooled the kids. Maybe we’d have tried and had it all go pear shaped. We can’t know.

So we do what we can, wherever we happen to be.

I was 54 when I decided to foster. I never had children of my own and also do feel a little like you seem to. Best thing I ever did. She’s off to uni in 3 weeks. I’m very sad.

Why is the main goal for him a marriage and kids? Marriages are hard work and very often end badly, and why would you bring children into the mix if your marriage isn’t perfect? This isn’t something you often know when most people get married/have kids so it’s a gamble.
I’d say your life sounds great and you have a much more well-rounded lifestyle and attitude than a lot of people. You don’t get a medal for being a wife or mum. But you do sound appreciated by your god-daughter, friends and family which is surely more important.

I just wanted to comment and send some love, OP. I have a bunch of overlaps in my life with yours, and I really get that ache that comes with not being quite in the place you thought you might be, or have the things you'd really wanted, especially when so many other people seem to be merrily rolling along. But look - you've been loved and are lovable, and there's nothing to say that won't happen for you again, maybe many times over!

This life-stage is such an interesting place to be. You / we still have loads of time to carve out new and wonderful things for ourselves, whether through work, a new partner, living somewhere else, and so on. But also: it's the time when the choices we've made or what's happened to us come home to roost. You've done so well by owning your own place, having a career, a friendship network; you're capable and independent, and have been there for your folks when it mattered most. I hope you can feel proud of how great you are.

One thing I did this summer was to map out what I wanted the next part of my life to look like - in the near term, the slightly longer term, and then in a few decade's time. I did this by visualising what I wanted life to be like in those stages, really to feel it, and then mapping out the finances and other choices I'd need to make that happen. It sounds quite mercenary but actually really felt great to see how I could be active in making life what I wanted it to be. It sounds like you've got some of that on board with the maybe-reserve-job (intriguing!) but perhaps something like this could help push you out of feeling stuck?

I'm really sad that you have to even ask that question. No, of course you haven't failed to launch. Everyone is different and has different life experiences. All that matters is whether you're happy or not. If you are, then that is brilliant. If you're not, then take steps to change it - but for YOU, not for other people. What a successful life looks like is subjective, and nobody should have an opinion but you on your own life. Society's expectations of people are ridiculously narrow and confining and (for women especially) archaic.

By the way, I speak as someone who on paper appears to 'have it all' - married, 2 kids, career, lovely husband, large detached house in south of England, kids in private school. Nobody would say I've 'failed to launch'. But really I'm a total mess. I just don't show it to others. You are probably far more stable, happy and successful than me... and than many other people who have fulfilled society's ridiculous and narrow expectations.

You don’t sound remotely like a failure! As I was reading your post I was thinking of all the things you’ve done in life…. You work, you’ve relocated, you cared for your mum, you have hobbies, you have friends you’ve had 3 long term relationships…

you seem to be quite focussed on the idea that marriage and children are the only things which ‘count,’ but that’s simply not true. In fact, getting married and having babies isn’t an achievement in itself…. Sadly loads of people in
less than ideal relationships get married because it’s ’the Next thing to do.’ And look at people who
endlessly churn kids out - that’s not an achievement.

it sounds like overhearing those horrible comments has got to you badly. Focus on all your achievements

Not at all. You're the opposite of someone who failed to launch. You took on adult responsibility for caring for both parents. You work, have friends, hobbies, your own home etc.

Failure to launch means someone who hasn't become an adult - never leaves the parental home, has mummy and daddy still doing everything for them - their laundry etc, well into their twenties, thirties, forties.

You just haven't met someone to spend your life with. Weirdly, a huge number of my closest female friends are the same, from best friends in primary school (both unmarried no DC) to close friends made later in life. Some are fine with it. Some aren't. But all are fully functioning, intelligent, gorgeous women.

All I can say is, let yourself live, as much as possible. Make a small list of amazing things you'd love to do and start to do them. Please try not to think of yourself as plain. Care for yourself. If you work out so you are fit and strong, take care of your skin and hair and nails, and dress in a way that shows a bit of character, that's attractive, and anyone can do that.

It's easy to say don't give up hope because having hope endlessly feels a bit pointless when things aren't working out. But you do sound lovely. A friend of mine met the love of her life at 55. Never married before but blissfully happy ever since. Another recently went on a week's retreat as her life was not going well and came back having fallen in love. It can happen.

Lots of the themes coming up here, are making me think of Russ Harris and The Happiness Trap. He does videos on YouTube, so no need to buy the book before dipping in and seeing if it rings bells for you. All the stuff about comparison being absolutely normal part of human nature, but making our decisions according to what's important to us (our values). Of course, values are subjective so what looks like a 'successful' life to one person, wouldn't be right for someone else.