To not miss husband?

[Allbymyself123]

My husband has been away since last Friday with work and it’s been great. Own wee routine going and leas stressful - house calmer etc. he is due back tonight and i’m not bothered! I’m not excited, or i’m looking forward to seeing him (been together over 20 years and longest he’s been away before was 4 days years ago & i think i did miss him then) since covid it’s not been great and we plod along out of fear of being alone & i’ve no money as sahm (i know i know) i just don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know if its general drudgery and the fact i’ve had the time / thehouse to mysellf has been nice & has me questioning it more (i was 40 last year & it might be a semi midlife crisis) or if it’s genuinely a sign to end it!

We did have a bad patch a few years ago and were ending it but decided to give it another go on it’s been more good than bad but not as good as it could be or i had hoped it would be - we get no time ourselves as have no help but oldest 15 so starting to get to the stage where we could go out for dinner etc and she is at home (youngest 11) so might get better over the next few years? I don’t know if it is a mixture of it all or just admitting defeat that i don’t love him or love him enough now?

How to make sense of it all?

Have felt similar at times, been married for over 30 years. A friend said to me that once they hit 50 they get moody. She was right. I've been going through the menopause for about 10 years, that hasn't helped either. Our youngest is in late teens, it does help to make you connect more when you can have time alone without kids.

I think no time alone (there is genuinely no one which is why i became a sahm in 1st place) money tighter now with cost of living & i’m petrified pf trying to get a job as it’s been so long! I did used to be confidant when younger but its not the life i expected 20 years ago. Also suffering with peri menopause & generally over thinking things & i can’t work out if i can & even want to
spend the next 40 years like this or if it’s a case it’ll pass & when kids are older & have left home we’d have loads of time - i just don’t know!

i know it all goes back to almost separating it’s not been the same but them i wasn’t naive enough to think it would be. Different is ok but not if its different because i don’t love him. My head is a complete mess & this week has shown that &
i don’t know how to process everything in my head to work out how best to move forward but surely even not missing him i should be excited by the fact he is nearly home & looking forward to seeing him?! I’m neither BUT thanks to perimenpause i’ve found everything a bit “flat” holidays or christmas which i’ve always loved so again is it that?! 😫

Op you sound bored but your life sounds boring. You need your own job, your own money, your own passions and hobbies, surely a 15 year old can sit with an 11 year old to let you and dh go out a walk or for dinner. I’m sure there’s lots can be done here to revive how you feel. There’s support groups for menopause left right and centre too, join an online menopause cafe for support. Sounds like the grass has grown inder your feet if you ask me!

🤣

My DH went away for a weekend...I was a bit gutted when he came back...😂the house was spotless and I got so much done. Everything in the home ran smoother...which I don't understand because he doesn't make any mess and he pulls his weight. I just find it easier when he's away. We get on well and he's a good guy...I would actually hate to not be with him and would not want to live alone all the time. I totally understand you op.

Not sure what’s funny op but it’s your life. You asked how I’d make sense of it, that’s my sense of it 🤷🏼‍♀️ I had a life similar to yours only my husband made it very difficult for me to have my own life. I have my own life now, and no husband, much better! Your dh doesn’t sound abusive so maybe you can salvage it but your excitement isn’t his responsibility. You provide that for yourself.

If you're a sahm of older DC op, why do you say you get no time alone? What about when they're at school?

My husband works?

I meant no time alone together not time myself! & my daughter who has just turned 15 could start to look after the youngest for small periods of time but prior to that no, i wouldn’t have left them to go out for dinner.

Oh I see what you mean! Can he take a days annual leave on a school day and you can have a day date?

It’s not about excitement it’s about working out whether it’s general
blandess from peri menopause or not wanting to be with him. As well as wanting some reassurance or not that it’s normal to have missed him much

My DH and I enjoy each others company but when he goes on a work trip I have a great time. I book in to see friends and catch up on TV he does not like etc. It is always nice to see him back but I do not spend the week missings him exactly. I no longer ask him if he missed me because he is autistic and will always be honest about the fact that he was actually quite busy with work and did not really get much time to miss me🤣🤣So in my world that is quite normal. I would try and get out with him a bit more and also do some things for yourself to make life more fulfilling. Be a school governor, stay a hobby, learn a language

My DH has been away since Thursday back tomorrow. We have had a seriously rocky 18 months but I have genuinely missed him. I went on a solo holiday to work out if I still want to be married to him (I think he knew that but I didn’t ever say that’s what I was doing) and I really missed him after 3 days. Maybe you need to go away on your own no husband no children and figure out what you need.

You are much more established in life than me so it seems wild to comment. However it’s also wild to me that you’ve only ever spent 4 days apart in one go prior to this!! Granted we are both in the military so spend more time apart than the average couple, but I believe it’s really healthy. It’s completely normal to feel like life is easier, the house is more tidy, you enjoy not considering anyone else etc. But surely there is something positive about staying together? Agree with PP’s, you need time away too!

He did at the start (when we decided to not split) but thats died off a bit and is probably another source of frustration but then if i’m not working he is working more

We’ve been married 29 years next month. I do miss him when he’s away or I’m away. I’ve been a sahm for years. We do have time away from each other. Usually it’s my daughter and me going to stay with a friend for a few days or me house sitting for relatives in the summer. I’m always happy to see him again though. He misses me too. Maybe need to spark what was once there. Believe me we’ve had a very very rough times in our marriage and we’ve managed to make it through. I think you need to plan evenings out together. Book a show or a meal. The kids are old enough to be left for short periods of time x

He’s been home an hour & is now asleep on the couch so looks like he’s as enthused as i am about being back home 🙄

i suppose i’m just trying to work whats normal whats peri & whats a sign we should split. My anxiety has increased i felt it was easier during the week. Don’t know can’t explain it but i’ve not missed the snoring. Kids have gone out (they did miss him somehow) & i’ve gone upstairs with a book. I get he’s tired and had a long day yesterday / long flight and time difference and yet i feel irritated rather than sympathetic so i’m aware i’m part of the problem & i think deep down i know it’s because it’s done. The week has shown me how it could be & i wasn’t lonely or pining or counting down the days & i’m glad he’s not going to try to have sex with me tonight (as he’s clearly too tired) but as much as i’m a part of the problem i think theres no big “i missed you” or sign he’s happy to be home. Maybe when he sleeps tomorrow will be different? Feels a bit strange just now and it’s not just in my head. I think now though i need to think clearly and logically and about how i leave

I already volunteer, look after elderly relative (my gran is 95 and last family member i have left who clearly can’t babysit) and help with school stuff so i’m not sat bored in the house every day. Working is more to have a little bit extra as while he earns a lot everything has gone up and it’s going to start to become a struggle especially as the kids are getting older. I do see people. I also go to the gym, coffee mornings, a book group so it’s not that my life is empty. He also goes out to gigs and stuff it’s just that we have never in 12 years had a night out together (last family member i had moved abroad & we don’t live near his) but we always got by and did stuff in the house or the odd day off but i feel like there is no effort he’s working or tired and i feel thats my fault because i don’t. Anyway it’s just a case of working out where to go from here. Theres no big drama, no on else, no nastiness i think it’s just that it is done

Very hard as a SAHM as your resources are so slim . I think the practicalities of this keep people together . And having experienced the other side of it it may not be the freedom you envision . Now restricted by finances and the fact that most of my contemporaries are involved in their families either as carers or child care . Can be very lonely .

Why don't you find a job? Start there. Maybe in a supermarket or admin. Or in a local school. Just apply for anything which takes your fancy. See how that goes and whether having more independence and interest outside of the home/family fizzes your life up a bit

Thanks. I thought that too and thought maybe if we did that it would possibly get better but all he does is work. We don’t need the money (me earning some would be nice to have a bit extra but we don’t go without) & i have had a fair bit of inheritance having no family so thats went towards the mortgage and stuff so it’s not like i haven’t contributed in anyway. I had smaller inheritance pre kids so with that and savings i was able to take a few years at home but i took such a step back i’d need to retrain so came fully out of it and i don’t regret that part but he’s always thought he has to work harder so we don’t struggle and even though we now have money he doesn’t want to ease off.

when we were going to split he worked a lot then to escape but then says it’s not about that now. He was the one not wanting to go in the end and i made no promises and we took it slow and got back i thought some of what we had as we both made an effort but somewhere in the past year we’ve both stopped making it and i will blame peri menopause as i am really struggling and didn’t expect this for another 7 or 8 years but he is just always “busy” but doesn’t leave so?

i expected him to have missed us (at least the kids if not me) but it was such a deflated return home. I was akward it al just felt weird i don’t know. He says he missed us but doesn’t look like it & the kids after the excitement of some gifts (i got none lol) have gone out to play just like any other night and whilst i’m sat alone i’m thinking it’s not as nice as every other night alone this week 🙈 like i said i know he’s tired but there wasn’t much interaction not even to the kids and then he’s gone to sleep on the couch 🙄 he is still snoring away so it’s not a little nap either. Not that it’s a competition but i had about 5 hours sleep last night & about 4 the few nights before it and i might not have been working hard or away but i’m tired too! So yeah i’m annoyed and waffling because even if no one bothers to read this at least i can get it out a bit as no one to talk to in real life!

I don’t particular want a job, not because i’m lazy but because i’m not bored. I volunteer & am our doing stuff at least 3 days a week then can do gym etc the other days. I get plenty of time to myself and have a “nice” life i just think some money means he doesn’t need to feel like he has to work so much? We’ve money in the bank (like is said ingeritance from losing parents young means i don’t sponge off him) losing family young partly made me want to become a sahm so i don’t regret the choices. The issue is with me and my husband.

If we split the other parts of my life (other than seeing my kids less so i’d have more time to myself) don’t change.

Thanks. I know the grass isn’t always greener it’s just how do i fix it or do i want to fix it & is it fixable. I had money from losing my mum then my dad and without that i wouldn’t have been out of work quite as long but i didn’t have to worry as whilst i wasn’t earning i was still contributing whilst being there for my kids (which i wanted) and supported him to build his business as he doesn’t do school drop offs or club pick ups or drop the kids at a weekend. I do the school run, the football games etc 🤷‍♀️ i’d sti do most of that 95% of the time

If you divorce you won't get spousal so you'll HAVE to get a job

Best stay with him, then, if you don't want to work

why will i not get spousal? What makes you think he won’t continue to pay for the kids? Or that i can’t afford to support my kids with the money i’d have? Not to mention the house sale? Pension been topped up throughout as well.

you sound bitter but thanks for the “advice”

Well if you’d have a better quality of life without him op then go for it. I don’t miss my husband one bit and very much enjoy my freedom and my peace. The thought of a man coming through my front door right now makes my skin crawl, very much enjoying life as a divorcee 😊