To not miss husband?

[Allbymyself123]

My husband has been away since last Friday with work and it’s been great. Own wee routine going and leas stressful - house calmer etc. he is due back tonight and i’m not bothered! I’m not excited, or i’m looking forward to seeing him (been together over 20 years and longest he’s been away before was 4 days years ago & i think i did miss him then) since covid it’s not been great and we plod along out of fear of being alone & i’ve no money as sahm (i know i know) i just don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know if its general drudgery and the fact i’ve had the time / thehouse to mysellf has been nice & has me questioning it more (i was 40 last year & it might be a semi midlife crisis) or if it’s genuinely a sign to end it!

We did have a bad patch a few years ago and were ending it but decided to give it another go on it’s been more good than bad but not as good as it could be or i had hoped it would be - we get no time ourselves as have no help but oldest 15 so starting to get to the stage where we could go out for dinner etc and she is at home (youngest 11) so might get better over the next few years? I don’t know if it is a mixture of it all or just admitting defeat that i don’t love him or love him enough now?

How to make sense of it all?

The quality wouldn’t change though - i don’t think much would day to day other than i would live alone & see my kids less & i wouldn’t have him in the house in the evenings (both out most of those if he is working and i’m at clubs) and the weekends.

same life in most ways, i just don’t know if i can have one with him & if it will get better or if it’s just peri making everything seem bleak (because i didn’t get the same “joy” out of anything this year) so it could all be me in general and we could ride it out / things could get better maybe.

he’s still asleep although i woke him and he went upstairs. I didnt miss him this week and enjoyed the peace but that might be because it’s one week. If he left for good that wouldn’t be the same.

will see how things are in the morning

I think a lot of middle aged women feel this way. I have a theory it's down to biology....once we are past child-bearing age we don't need men 😄 they say single women and married men live longer!

OP did you notice that you began this thread stating that you didn’t miss your DH, but (once he got home) you changed to feeling sad that he hadn’t missed you?

Have you actually gone off him or are you hurt and wishing he showed you more affection, passion, enthusiasm?

I think this goes back to all the unresolved issues from your previous split. Were you hoping he’d show how much he really loved and needed you? And are you resentful now that - since the drama of the split and reconciliation have passed - he’s settled back into everyday, normal, dull life with you, and no longer seems to care whether you’re there or not?

I’m only asking this because I do that kind of thing and it’s because I have a fearful avoidant attachment style. I push people way if I’m scared they’ll hurt me. I reject them in advance, IYSWIM.

AND one good reason for you to get a job now would be to take the focus off him and his feelings, and put it back into yourself and your skills and success.

Plus it’ll give him a proper kick up the arse if you find something you’re passionate about.

Get the light behind your eyes back! Retrain. Go back to university. Follow your dreams. There are SO MANY YEARS to fill ahead of you.

Yes! I do think thats a big part of it as it’s like we are going back to how it was before Not even that he had to miss me just that it was a break from how it was and back there. I don’t know really

Well he’s up & away to work before 8.30 (i had thought maybe we could have breakfast or something once kids in school) clearly couldn’t get away fast enough so thats fine i am now done.

i thought we could spend some time together (apart from him trying to jump me at 2am which has made me feel more used than anything) i might not have missed him but theres a difference between enjoying the space and wanting a divorce but based on this morning & the lack of effort i think thats what it all comes down to. Sick of feeling the lack of effort and no time and i get being too busy to take time off normally but today - he really couldn’t spare a couple of hours? Bit clearer now

I don’t think his going into work early is any reflection on his feelings for you. If he’s been away, he might have a ton of stuff to get done.

you keep saying you’re happy not working but work would give you your own focus outside your marriage and - I promise - his actions wouldn’t affect you as much. They really wouldn’t. You wouldn’t be focused on him.

I was like you. Hyper vigilant. I worked from home. I got a corporate job a year ago and had no choice but to throw myself into it 100%. It has drastically improved my marriage. I can’t tell you how much. Simply having another outlet for my energy, attention and excitement means I’m not relying on DH to the same extent. Plus he has corporate experience so I’ve had to get advice off him and he loves feeling useful.

Unless your DH is abusive or unfaithful or an addict, I don’t think it’s worth the stress of divorce to leave him because he didn’t buy you a present from his work trip or got up early. I’ve been divorced (DH is my second husband) and it’s so expensive, and stressful. I’m glad I did it because first DH turned out to be violent and and an addict.

But if you’re just feeling lowkey taken for granted, you can solve that. Honestly.

Also - you have unmet expectations (breakfast today, for example). Does he have any idea you wanted breakfast? Were you just wanting him to want breakfast? Does he even like breakfast??

I have loads of expectations of DH that I carry round in my head but now I just tell him. It doesn’t mean your DH loves you less if you’re the one suggesting cute date stuff. IT REALLY DOESN’T. Or, if you want him to chase after you, you have to get busier. He can’t chase you if you’re standing still! Make fun plans with your own friends more so he’s dying to get you alone.

this is so old fashioned but it’s effective and won’t cost you 50% of your house.

we have 3 months left of 2025. Why not devote those to building an even better, more exciting life for yourself without divorce? If he’s still annoying you next year, dump him then. But until then try this:

1. Decide on your dream career
2. Look into training if needed
3. Increase your social plans 50%
4. Join a new club or something that gets you out of house 1 evening a week
5. Don’t initiate any relationship discussions with your DH at all - be slightly chilled, like when you first started dating him. Act towards him like he acts towards you.

Yes he knew i wanted breakfast and his answer was he didn’t think i would. Said he missed me so i said did he not want to spend time together he said he thought i wouldn’t so puts it all on me.

your missing the point about it being about so much more than no breakfast or going into work early - 4 years ago we were splitting and he had a house and everything lined up to then decide actually he didn’t want to leave and beg tonstay. I was settled on it and had a plan to move forward but i gave in and we agreed to work on it so maybe part of me feels like i’ve wasted 4 years and not wanting to waste anymore as i’m sick of coasting and not spending any time together.

he had no reason to go into work (he owns the company) he does a lot remotely and others have kept it going just fine while he was away - a couple of hours for breakfast wouldn’t have made much difference. We can’t go on as we are. I had thought we’d got to a better place a few years ago but drifting back and and i don’t want to go back to there.

work wise my relationship wouldn’t change - i don’r depend on him. I’d much rather have my family and if my mum was here it wouldn’t be an issue as we’d have had childcare help and i’d have worked part time and we could have spent more time together but i’ve never had any. I did 100% all of the kids stuff myself which allowed him to build his company and take more work on and earn more. I’ve did the career (uni, degree, worked and earned my own money since 15) but money i have in the bank means i contribute to the mortgage or holidays or whatever without having to earn it. I stopped caring years ago what people think about my choice as i wanted to be there for my kids and not put them into nursery more so having lost my own family. In time as kids get older volunteering etc won’t be enough and i would work if he felt better about it (as things get more expensive i use more of the money but theres still savings) i don’t have to work and to be honest neither does he he could drop to 3 days but it’s always been his preference to work which says a lot. He lives to work rather than works to live as he hates spending money etc. working he may see me as more of an “equal” in that sense but having did it years ago, working part time etc here and there i’m happy enough just now. once the kids are in high school i’ll retrain and go back into it all but for no, i don’t have any regrets not working

edited to add

1. i have to do some retraining and i will when my youngest is in high schooL which has always been the plan. I got a degree & specialised and worked before kids as well as freelance for a bit.
2. as before it’ll take a year but paid.
3. social life is fine? Coffee morning once a week. Book group once a fortnight. Gym 2 days and 2 evenings. Then lunches / dinners etc as and when
4. as before. Already out the 2 i’m not at kids clubs (he’s not normally home for drop off and pick ups)
5. thats the problem. We are both indifferet now hence him thinking it was me / not what i want.

He worked for 10 hours (was nearly 8pm he got home) & i don’t believe it was necessary & is clearly him slipping back into old habits. We’ve barely spoken as he’s sat on his phone (so
i’m on mine too 🙄) & it just feels pointless.

i was content last week at night - watched some tv, read a book etc & it was less akward than this. Theres an atmosphere now we can’t move past & i don’t think either of us wants to. He said he missed me but he’s not acting like it & i can’t help wishing he’d gone for 2 weeks. I think i’m scared to be alone even though i know it’d be fine but it’s def something i’m going to work towards now. The kids were more relaxed /better behaved last week as well - he just stresses me out by being here!

You said you didn’t miss him and weren’t looking forward to seeing him, yet you get the hump when he is unbothered and indifferent about seeing you and spending time with you. You said in your first message you plod along through fear of being alone and no money as a SAHM, but then later on say you can afford not to work. Which is it?

I didn’t miss him and i wasn’t sure if that was normal (i don’t think thats a big deal) or related to peri or becayse we shouldn’t be together and i’m trying to make sense of it. Difference being he said he missed me and is being just as indifferent - he lied and i didn’t.

there is no earned money due to being a sahm there is money and i don’t need to work in that sense and he’d pay towards kids and we’d sell the house but i don’t know being on my own and using the inheritance feels different to using it to contribute to a life together. It’s not enough to buy somewhere (maybe with house sale) but doing that on my own would mean there is no money and of course then i woukd have to work. Plan was always when my youngest at high school (next year) so inwant to hold onto then.

however, i now just think i’m done. So glad i decided to post on mumnset to try to make sense of mty feelings 🙄

I know how you feel OP. My DH didn't work abroad on a regular basis but he was often away for a week. Once the kids had flown the nest I loved him being away. I'd get home from work and have tea and piles of toast for tea. I'd buy Cornettos and have one every night. I'd watch things like old dramas and comedies until it was time to go to bed.
We're both retired now, so it doesn't happen any more!
I need to say we've been together and married a long time and I love his company, it was just nice to have the house to myself for a week.

Thing is op we can’t make sense of your feelings from a simple snapshot. Being on the other side of divorce, I think the peace I have now is what you’re craving. Do you see this being what you want for the rest of your life? I don’t think you do, so the writing is in the wall really. I also left for a year and went back, and wasted another 4 years coincidentally. I don’t waste a single minute of my precious life now. My core values I now live by and protect are my people, health, time, peace and freedom. They keep me on track and anything that doesn’t align with them gets binned. Life is too short for settling for mediocre. If it’s not old school love where one dies and the other goes from a broken heart, I don’t want it.

It’s a mixture of enjoying the break - watching what i want, hoovering at night if i want rather than by 7pm before he comes in and eating what i want when i want. It was nice weather so me and the kids had a lot of salads some pasta and baked potatos, quiche, tacos etc basically dinners he isn’t keen on. I had micro meals on the busier nights!

he sits on a laptop or phone every night so we barely speak at night so there was nothing to miss as such and that felt less stressful than him being there and tip toeing around. I think it just highlighted we are heading back to how we were.

be says it’s me i didn’t “welcome” him home but then he came in saw kids for 10mins unpacked and left stuff everywhere then went to sleep. Tried to jump me innthe middle of the night (peri has killed that part and i’ve tried to talk to him about it and still make some effort) then went to work for 10 hours as he is so busy! Then pissed me asking “whats up with you” constantly which then did piss me off. I went to bed at 10 and he slept on the couch and is still in there so me and the kids are upstairs getting ready.

i do ALL of the house stuff cooking, cleaning, shopping etc and maybe working full time i’d contribute more but thats not feasible with the kids even my oldest as i’m not making her walk (on a not particularly safe route) for 45 mins and then expecting my other 2 to do it next year. But next year re training etc he’ll have to help with stuff like that which he says he will but thats doubtful. I’m not as “important” as i’m not earning so maybe it comes down to that but me working is my choice and when i work is mine. Me giving up work was what we wanted too and he knew what i’d have to do to get back into it.

i’m now thinking if we stayed in the house (as per previous almost split) i’d get by but could also work part time as he’d have to spend more time with the kids and it’d actually be easier. Use the money i have from house sale towards a house and if i can’t get a mortgage accept it’s renting.

It sounds like you want permission to divorce him. You don’t need that. Just leave.

I’d stop using my savings/inheritance though. What’s the point of having a rich workaholic DH if you have to drain your personal (finite) savings to support him?

I don’t support him. I just contribute to mortgage and bills joint account same as him (like i would do if i was working) same with holidays etc. some has been put by for kids, some on holidays. I took a chunk to live off for covering what i would earn working a few days a week as i would ‘t be working full time when we had kids regardless.

he pays in more than me as he earns more but again if i was working he’d earn / cover more and i do all house work / kids stuff instead.

i don’t need permission i’m literally just trying to work through in my head what i want 🙄 what is peri, what is just feeling a bit fed up or taken for granted or whatever, what is wanting things to change & what is accepting we’ve tried and its time to move on.

people have been through all sorts on here - different life experiences etc hence posting on a forum.

Sorry but why do you contribute money if you’re not working?

I bloody love it when my husband goes away too. My rules, nobody’s moods or opinions to factor in to decisions, just do what I want. Everything is easier.

Why or how?

why because i’m not a sponger i worked when we met & 20 years ago i earned more than him. I wouldn’t expect him to support me while i gave up work when i can / could work but chose not to & how because i inherited my mums share of my grandads house when he died becsuse she was already dead and then my dads house when he died a few years later. I’d rather have family than the money but i don’t so i use it to live how i want to live & i’ve been able to be at home 10 yearz longer than i planned because of that.

he earns more and contributes more but by not working we lose money i’d earn whether full time or part time, hence i pay my way too

I enjoy it when I have days off that my DH isn't around for. I'm pretty sure I'd be quite happy for a week or two plus to be fair.

Long marriage 'innit' 🤷 😁

I only asked why. 😁

I don’t know what you want from this thread, really? Yes it’s normal to enjoy yourself when your DH goes away. No, he’s not acting like the most devoted man — but then you almost split up a few years ago and he’d got to the point of buying a house to live in without you, so there are clearly some really big issues.

Your choice is between fixing those issues, or leaving. You’d need to fix the issues as a team, he can’t do it by himself. Do you want to?