Dating as an ugly person

[Daisiesmeltmyheart]

I'm a woman in my 40s and have never been conventionally attractive. I look dreadful in photos. Marginally better in person. Basically I'm short with a small face but my nose is too big and ruins my smile. It doesn't really suit my face at all.

I've been single a while for various reasons not just my appearance. But in the past I have dated and while I've had a small amount of success I feel that my appearance really puts men off.

Any surgery is not an option and I want to accept how I look. It goes back to childhood as my family made critical remarks but they did have a point about my ugliness. I know I'm aging anyway and that's fine, I guess it's just knowing how I'm viewed by others that gets me down.

I'm just so sad about it and wondered if it's even worth trying to date now as men seem to be looking primarily for someone attractive, which makes sense of course.

Is anyone else in a similar boat? I just feel so shit about myself.

Would you consider being with the male equivalent of you looks wise?

Please don't call yourself ugly.. it's a horrible word. Tell us about your good points?

If only beautiful people had partners then most of the world would be single. Make sure you have a good haircut, take advice on makeup and maybe see a personal shopper to revise your wardrobe. Then make sure you are interesting to talk to. What are you interested in? It is much easier to meet someone in a group where you have shared interests albeit art, walking, cycling, history etc. Good luck

We all have ugly days.
When I do, I put on make-up as it hides a multitude of sins, blusher, mascara… nice clothes, as in jeans and a nice top, make my hair nice, down.

Have you tried those things.?

Excited to say- I don’t wear leggings often. I think jeans look better.

It's amazing what you can do with make up, if you have some skill. Many tutorials online to show you how to e.g. make your nose appear smaller, accentuate your eyes, even out skin tone, and a million other things. Personally, I'd get a nose job if I felt my nose was out of proportion to the rest of my face, but I appreciate not everyone wants to do that or could afford it.

That's a really interesting question. I look a lot like my dad and he was a very kind man, albeit not handsome in any way, but he was incredibly kind. So maybe.

Thanks for the replies. I don't wear much make up as I've struggled to feel worth it but maybe that's the answer, at least partly. I don’t feel skilled in how to wear it. Maybe I will look at some tutorials to at least get ideas on how to create better photos of myself.

I wish in a way I'd had surgery in my mid 20s but it isn't an option now.

I try to be kind. Animal lover. Interested in psychology, birds, books. I'm not really the average person as I'm more of an introvert.

Plastering on some slap won't make you feel better about yourself .... it needs to come from inside.

You have internalised the idea that you are ugly - that is what needs to go.

You say you look like your Dad - did he go through life thinking he was ugly?

Hold your head up (and your nose!) and face the world with pride in yourself. I am getting on a bit now and not giving a toss about what anyone else thinks is massively liberating!!

And being an introvert is absolutely fine - I used to say that my late OH would have made a good lighthouse keeper!!

There’s no doubt that some people attract more interest from potential partners than others, but there’s also no doubt that being plain (if indeed you are) is no bar to having a partner. You will notice than most couples are quite similar looks wise.

Please stop calling yourself ugly - you will be plain at most - and even the plainest people have appealing features and can look good. The human face is designed to appeal to other humans.

Get some nice photos done that don’t disguise your appearance but make the best of the good bits and start dating.

It sounds like you're a really interesting person. It sounds like you are kind and have a very nice life. Why on earth would you want to mess that up with a partner?

(10+ years single by choice)

There are plenty of celebrities with big noses so its not a barrier to attractiveness.

Do you think because you've been told about your nose while young that you've internalised this idea that can't be attractive?

I agree with pp. If you want to work within the (yes annoying and sexist) beauty standards, there is an awful lot you can do. Having lovely hair and dressing well can make a massive difference. Emphasising eyes or lips could help balance out your features.

I'm sure if you had the budget a professional could offer a make over. A dramatic change of appearance might help you rewire yourself your self image.

Remember that TV show trinny and Suzanna. 'what not to wear' They made really big difference to people's looks with no surgery, just styling.

As a fellow un-photogenic person I sympathise. I made the decision recently that having pictures where I'm not looking my best but at least looking happy are better then no photos. So many picture of my in younger years of me trying to dodge the camera or looking miserable because I'm afraid smiling will make my face look fatter and nose even wider.

It goes back to childhood as my family made critical remarks but they did have a point about my ugliness.

So I guess it was your mother, given that your father was kind. I can promise you that any parent or family member that calls a child ugly or makes critical remarks about their appearance is doing it out of spite, because of the ugliness of their soul. I bet you are as normal looking as any of us on here but you simply can't/won't believe it.

Have a look at this article https://www.betterup.com/blog/core-beliefs and this video s to better understand yourself.

Oh and don't tell Barbra Streisand that a big nose makes you unattractive. She'll be devastated 😉

I feel for you OP and I hope something changes for you. Mainly, I hope that you come to fully accept yourself and that you are happy either being single or with a partner.

I really identify with your situation and would have written exactly the same. I think that people who tell you that you are not as unattractive as you think or that you can make a difference with make up are either attractive themselves or for some reason underestimate quite how important looks are to men. It’s fine for a man to be kind and interesting. It’s enough to attract a woman. But an unattractive woman will find it much harder. I don’t know why people deny the facts about that.

In my case my looks meant that I didn’t attract men at all but I also think my personality didn’t help. Like you, I am an introvert and I think that made it harder for the very few men who were interested in me. I didn’t have a partner at all until I was 38. I met him at a meeting about a shared interest and as we are both nerdy about the same thing I think I was relaxed enough to be open. We got married and had our children really quickly. The right man is out there for you!

Some people are better looking than others, but I don’t think anyone is ugly unless they’re really unpleasant. Someone who is kind and interesting cannot be ugly full stop.

The answer is to go for your looks level. Find someone kind and loving who’s interested in similar things.

Put an ad online saying “Looking for a funny-looking introvert, interested in birds and books. Must be kind”. See what comes your way.

I have, you're right. It's a negative image of myself that I've always had. It's mainly about my nose. I like my eyes and skin. I just can't smile as my nose ruins it. Tears in my eyes writing that.

I actually dont know how my dad felt about himself but he was abused as a child so I strongly suspect he didn't consider himself good looking.

It was actually much older siblings. My mum didn't say the words but I got the sense from her that she felt the same.

Thanks for your empathy I really appreciate it.

or for some reason underestimate quite how important looks are to men

I certainly dont underestimate how important looks are to some men. But they are not the ones worth dating.

Many men are not conventionally attractive themselves and find that however much they want to date Margot Robbie she does not want to date them. So they learn to be realistic or remain single.

The things is that men DO very often manage to find much more attractive women than them because women are generally (not all, of course) not so concerned about looks. It’s not ideal but it’s simply true. Men routinely say they are looking for women their age, or much younger. This is not true for women.

Why is surgery not an option now?

Some do some don’t. If they do it’s generally because they bring something to the table like money or brains or talent.

Men say a lot things - they might say want someone young or beautiful, but they don’t necessarily get it. Women are simply more realistic from the outset.

I can pretty much guarantee your looks aren’t the problem here, it’s your self confidence. Posters suggesting the OP gets surgery on her nose are massively jumping the gun; we’ve no idea what her nose is even like! Beauty comes in all different forms, and what’s attractive one moment is out of fashion the next. I would try to bolster your self esteem and social connections OP. You sound like you’ve got a lot to offer, you just need to have some self confidence and get out there to meet people.