Dating as an ugly person

[Daisiesmeltmyheart]

I'm a woman in my 40s and have never been conventionally attractive. I look dreadful in photos. Marginally better in person. Basically I'm short with a small face but my nose is too big and ruins my smile. It doesn't really suit my face at all.

I've been single a while for various reasons not just my appearance. But in the past I have dated and while I've had a small amount of success I feel that my appearance really puts men off.

Any surgery is not an option and I want to accept how I look. It goes back to childhood as my family made critical remarks but they did have a point about my ugliness. I know I'm aging anyway and that's fine, I guess it's just knowing how I'm viewed by others that gets me down.

I'm just so sad about it and wondered if it's even worth trying to date now as men seem to be looking primarily for someone attractive, which makes sense of course.

Is anyone else in a similar boat? I just feel so shit about myself.

I have a big nose. I always thought it was huge as my mother use to point it out and so did my siblings, although I now know they only did so because she did.
I have dated a number of men and not one has said anything about my nose. Big hair i.e. volume in hair draws attention away from the nose and always ensure you dress well. Good fitting clothes that highlight your waist will attract men.

I don't think OLD is the best way to find someone these days.

Most men on there have completely unrealistic expectations and many have ''issues'' or are only looking for casual sex.

If you want to find someone you are better off working on your self confidence and trying to meet people in real life through shared hobbies, interest, work, friends and so on.

It doesnt matter what her nose looks like to others it's how she feels about it. I dont always say to people to consider surgery but if there was one cosmetic surgery that I'd most recommend it would be for the nose. It's always visible, to you and to everyone else, it wont change by weight loss or gain, it's not a sexual body part so its not about pleasing someone else, and can be an instant life changing result.

And if your unhappy with your nose it's hardly likely to be about what's in fashion.

I dated a man who when I first met him I remember thinking to myself 'He's kinda ugly, will I be embarrased if I meet anyone I know' (first meet up from a dating site).

I guess in terms of attractiveness I was more attractive than him.

However I soon totally fell for the guy and stopped seeing him as 'ugly'. This literally happened between date 1 and 2.

He was tall which of course always helps for men. He was slim and fit.
Facially he wasn't attractive but of course he couldn't help that.
He dressed well, he smelt nice and he was very quietly confident. (He was also a really good kisser but that's another story).

Anyway I ended up bat shit crazy about him and ended up falling for him whilst he did not fall for me.

Moral of the story - what your face looks like is only a proportion of your attractiveness. Get slim and fit and dress well. Have lovely hair. Spend lots on skincare. Wear make up. Be a nice person. I'm pretty sure someone will be delighted to date you.

Anyway I bet this guy thought I was way hot when he met me (well I know he did) but after experiencing all my bad behaviour I bet i didn't look nearly as attractive (yes in therapy to work on my issues now but I must have been a nightmare to date and it was no wonder he did not trust me/fall for me)

I've seen plenty of women who men think are attractive who have stunning hair and are slim etc. When you look at their facial features they are not the best but because they are rocking it in all the other areas they seem to find boyfriends no problem.

Good luck OP.

If I was a bloke I'd rather marry a less attractive, nice woman than a hot bitch (me!, well used to be)

Of course it is. People get surgery usually based on what is deemed attractive by society, it’s all fads and fashions. Big lips used to be considered unattractive but in recent years it’s been the opposite, hence the massive increase of people having lip fillers. It’s the same with other facial features and body types. Society dictates what is attractive and that filters down and is internalised.

Surgery is not always a quick fix for being unhappy with appearance, it can lead to more and more surgeries - I see this all the time. Many people who are fixated on the abnormality of a body part have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I’d be wary of a quick fix and wouldn’t encourage surgery over the internet to a stranger I haven’t seen. If the nose is ‘fixed’, often the dissatisfied is then transferred onto another physical aspect.

Princess Diana had a big nose, accept it.

Put your self esteem first. Focus on grooming, because you are worth it. Good hair, fresh clothes, good posture. Positive outlook, will make you feel better.

I disagree. Obviously everyone is different so you can never talk for everyone but take for example a boob job. If a woman is flat chested and hates it and would like bigger boobs, the fact that slim small chested models and celebrities exist all over the place isnt going to change her mind. And if we take the nose- when has a big crooked nose ever been considered attractive or in fashion?

@Anchorage56 Youve missed my point - bigger boobs are viewed as more attractive in western society, we are all influenced by this. In the same way that thinness is aspired to, or straight white teeth. Beauty is socially and culturally constructed. If big crooked noses were viewed as attractive, do you think the OP would want a nose job? If big breasts were considered ugly, do you think as many people would get boob jobs? We don’t exist in a vacuum, we are all influenced by societal beauty standards.

Yes, ‘big’ noses are considered attractive in some cultures. I am actually not against surgeries or cosmetic enhancements, I just doubt that the OP is single due to being so ugly. She likely looks average. I think it’s worth considering self esteem factors, and childhood influences (as the OP experienced a lot of criticism as a child). Before spending potentially a lot of money on surgery that doesn’t solve the underlying problem.

edited to say: You do not mention having a ‘big crooked’ nose, OP! But you get my point.

Just out of interest what do you consider good hair? Hair is getting mentioned a bit on this thread but what if you are a woman with very thin or thinning hair? Or have any form of alopecia, or have naturally dry brittle hair? It's like your taking one insecurity and diminishing it but opening up another insecurity.

This. I’m a squat, plain woman with berserk hair, but I’m interesting, confident, and , most importantly, I’m not worrying about whether some guy thinks I’m acceptable — I’m auditioning him, to see if he’s up to my standards.

Yes exactly, it’s never ending the pressure put on woman regarding their appearance. Absolutely exhausting and unachievable.

At the end of the day, most of us don’t look perfect but manage to meet a partner / have a long term relationship / marriage / dalliances!

I don't think this is actually about your looks op...it sounds like your families words and behaviour have deeply affected you.

I doubt you're ugly...maybe you're not stunningly beautiful but most people aren't stunningly beautiful quite frankly... including me! I've seen plenty of less attractive people, both male and female have happy relationships.

Yes, stereotypically attractive people will have a greater pool of people to date...but from your own description of yourself I highly doubt you'd want or be well matched to the type of man who's just looking for a trophy girlfriend and doesn't care about anything deeper than looks.

It's a big cliche but it's true, there is someone for everyone...maybe online dating might be a bit brutal for you if you're an introvert and feel low about yourself. Perhaps joining hobby groups and meeting people with similar interests and outlook would be a better shout for you.

Well I must be unusual then because growing up I saw certain women and thought- she is attractive or she has a nice body. I never really cared much for magazines etc. I decided in my own head what I thought was attractive. My nose was always bigger than I would have liked as I personally liked the more button like nose, but thankfully never to the point of considering surgery. But if it had been just that bit bigger then yes I would have sorted it. Instead of a lifetime of being unhappy with it.

We are all subconsciously affected by societal beauty standards though even if we aren’t consciously aware of it.

This was a poster telling someone to get over having a big nose by also telling her that good hair is important. It's a silly way of telling someone to get over a certain aspect of their appearance.

I honestly think I would still be attracted to what I'm attracted to regardless of what is in fashion or deemed attractive by others. Sometimes it's just nature, biology, hormones to be into what your into.

Good hair : regularly washed, styled, groomed. Yes I m aware that's not possible for everyone. We can all do the best with what we have. (buzz cuts and hair pieces suits one people, mentally and physically).

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond and for being kind. Your replies have really helped and given me a lot to think about. Surgery is not the way forward for me but I understand that it can be for others. I think a combo of learning more about making the best of my appearance plus working on my self esteem is the best approach. It has helped to talk this out!

I saw a plastic surgeon on Instagram who was saying he wouldn't advise people to have a nose job but would advise and to have filler instead. I'll see if I can find it tomorrow and post the link on here. It was a very reputable surgeon.

Focus on your good points, there are enough people in life who will tear you down; don't be one of them. Take some photos with yourself done up nicely, buy yourself some nice, flattering outfits and try to be genuinely happy , confidence and happiness really shine through in your appearance. If you don’t like the look of your photos, try and get them in front of something interesting and further away, so it is a talking point for potential dating matches. For example I’d use mine from different holidays etc, where there is something interesting in the photo besides me.

No one is "Ugly" most just haven't learned how to work with the cards they have been dealt

I can say that a bit easier cos now Im older I really dont give a fuck and then in another way - I do.

As in I dont care about how others percieven me, yet Im more aware of what I present - if that makes sense

I have a round body with matchstick legs and arms

I have a face only a mother would love

I have seb derm, which gives me a rosey red and quite often sore and splitting skin complexion

Hair? Sprouting every bloody where

So since I got old ( somewhere in my 50's ) I realised this is it, this is as good as it gets, make the best you can

So skin care - I do all the stuff, moisturise, exfoliate, use serums that suit

Get the eyebrows tamed as often as I can

Got a hair cut that flatters

And learned to apply just enough cosmetics to even out my skin tone

The small eye and smashed cheekbone no longer bother me - ( serious accident as a child ) because I now feel confident that Im looking as best as I can get

Im never going to be beautiful but I can now look in a mirror and say - not bad

We all have bits of us we hate, but stop fixating - it's just you, no one else is studying you that closely . Try to get used to how you look, try to start liking how you look and that will come across in your personality - and believe me - learn to love yourself and you will find everyone loves you back

Blimey. What a sad thread. I hope you find some sort of solution op.

Barbra Streisand.

OP you haven't said you would be happy to date men of a similar looks standard as yourself. You said maybe you would.
In general, good looking people date good looking people and vice versa. And unattractive pairs of people are very often very happy. Broaden your dating pool!