DH vaping in secret

[SadLittleKazoo]

Just that, really. Chatting to him on the sofa last night, and one fell out of his pocket. I asked what it was, he looked sheepish and admitted he’s been vaping due to work stress for about a month or so.

We have a toddler and a 4 month old baby. He struggled with stress when DC1 was born, and ended up on medication. He’s since changed jobs, and generally is happier in his new role, but it is more responsibility. He’s the bread winner, and I do appreciate that brings its own stress with it, particularly whilst I am on maternity leave.

We spoke about his stress, and agreed he needs time for himself to exercise (as do I, but can’t timetable it whilst breastfeeding DC2 with his current work schedule and DC1 struggling with a new sibling). I asked him to speak to the GP about it so they can keep an eye in case anything flares up again. But overall I’m just so sad. On the one hand, it’s only a vape. On the other hand, it’s an addictive habit, it’s deception, over an extended period of time, to deal with something that we should be able to talk through as a couple. And obviously there are potential health consequences. Any good ideas for how I can support him more? I’m really, really cross with him, but I’m also aware that my anger isn’t hugely helpful so trying to keep a lid on that and just be supportive.

I went through the exact same thing, except for a long time before I finally saw the vape in his pocket, I kept seeing hazy smoke in parts of our house and he completely gas lit me about. I felt so stupid when his deceit came to light, but it was so utterly out of character and distant from our lifestyle that I didn’t believe it could be true.

I said that whilst I didn’t like it (I am very much into fitness and health), that I understood he was a grown adult and could do as he pleased, I just didn’t want him doing it in the house as I didn’t want our children to see it. However, he was adamant he wanted to quit…I asked him not to make promises he couldn’t keep….and sadly, he couldn’t, as I found another one recently 🙄

Yes, @BuzzYourGirlfriendWooof, it’s out of character for him too. He’s always been so rude about his friends who do. I don’t think he vapes at home, although I go up to bed earlier with the baby so maybe he does downstairs? He went away with friends a few weeks ago, so I suspect he borrowed one then and hasn’t looked back. He’s also away for work one or two nights a week. Sorry your DP has started again.

I really don’t want him doing it. Ever. But I can see how it feels like a relatively innocent coping mechanism, so I don’t want to make him feel worse. But I want to make him feel bad enough to stop. It’s a fine line!

Just let him have his vape FFS.

Massive massive overreaction to a vape - no wonder he had to hide it.

The man’s an adult fgs!

hes a grown adult ffs

He'll quit when he's ready.

If he's kept it quiet, it's probably because he's embarrassed or ashamed, or thinks you might lecture him.

Much like secret binge eaters really.

over reaction much.

It is really not an issue ? Let him be . If you’d have said drinking or taking drugs in secret then I get it but vaping….

I would not use emotional manipulation to make him stop. Find a healthier way to manage your own anxiety around this and not feel the need to control him, he's stressed enough without having to contend with this sort of unhealthy dynamic at home.

MN never ceases to amaze me - people get up in arms over the smallest thing and yet have a go at an op who doesn't want their dh smoking or vaping WITH CHILDREN AROUND!!!

Op l would hate this too and you are not overreacting, nothing boils my piss more than parents who smoke or vape - ok so he doesn't do it now in front of the children but if you normalise it, he will start and it is a shitty thing to do if you have kids .

Ffs people who thinking it is harmless are just deluded.

Why are you bringing smoking into it?

And why are you trying to convince the OP that her husband will start vaping in front of the kids?

And also, no-one has said vaping is harmless.

If you fancy fiction writing there's nothing wrong with that hobby.

But you've chosen a strange place to practice it and that's not very fair on the OP.

I think MN has a creative writing section that would suit you better.

Not trying to convince of her of anything, just saying what l think could happen - of course there is a link between vaping and smoking and if a kid sees a parent doing it, much higher chance of them taking it up so that would he a big concern to me.
Not into fiction writing so thanks for the sarcastic advice but this is something l feel very strongly about.

“nothing boils my piss more than parents who smoke or vape - ok so he doesn't do it now in front of the children but if you normalise it, he will start and it is a shitty thing to do if you have kids .”

You said he will, not that you think it might happen.

It’s right there for all to read.

If I'm honest, it sounds like he's walking around on egg shells around you. Just compromise no vaping inside or around the kids.

Lots to think about here - thanks everyone. Think you’re absolutely right, @QPZM about him being embarrassed. And yes, @Noshadelamp, I do need to manage my own issues. I’m actually having therapy for PND/PNA at the moment, so I’m very aware of trying to contain my own reaction and not project my feelings onto him, but you’re right.

@Unicorndreams24 I think this is where we disagree. I wouldn’t feel much more strongly if it had been drinking (drugs I would have been very, very cross with him) - for me it’s the deception as much as the actual vape. I think the fact that it’s “only” a vape is what I’m finding difficult to deal with.

But for everyone telling me to just let him crack on, I haven’t said anywhere that I’ve told him he has to stop. I’ve acknowledged that my internal reaction doesn’t help him. I said I want him to feel bad, not that I’m making him feel bad.

I totally hear you, OP. For me, it felt like I didn’t know who he was anymore because like your DH, mine had been scathing of others vaping! I therefore felt weirdly misaligned in terms of values, as whilst he was more vehement in his distaste for it, I am indifferent to other people doing it, but it’s a big no for me (regardless of whether other people think vaping is harmless; it clearly isn’t great).

Is he an ex smoker? If so, then his vaping is much better than returning to smoking, although the deceit still isn't great...

If he has never smoked then I'd be mystified that he'd started vaping. From my own observations, people I know who vape are far more addicted to it than smokers I know, and it seems to be much harder to quit than smoking - I'd be trying to help him stop before he becomes even more reliant on it, if possible

@Lovelynames123 he smoked at uni (many years before we met). Several of his friends have moved from smoking to vaping and vape regularly, so I think he’s probably been semi-influenced by them. I’m very glad he hasn’t gone back to smoking; I think the cost would put him off. And it’s harder to hide the smell, of course.

He’s an adult. Leave him be. 🙄

How completely dramatic

Get a Grip

Leave the guy alone, Jesus

He has to hide his vape from you?

You can really tell who the vapers are on this thread. There’s something about them, they are all super defensive.

it’s a horrible and hugely addictive habit and I completely sympathise. It would be a hard boundary for me if my husband started it.

I’m not sure what the problem is? He’s an adult. It’s entirely legal. It won’t make him intoxicated or incapacitated. There’s possible long term risks ( but nothing is risk free - he probably gets in a car everyday. Don’t infantilise him - there’s a lot worse he could do to manage stress

Edited to say -I’m a non smoker and have never vaped.