DH vaping in secret

[SadLittleKazoo]

Just that, really. Chatting to him on the sofa last night, and one fell out of his pocket. I asked what it was, he looked sheepish and admitted he’s been vaping due to work stress for about a month or so.

We have a toddler and a 4 month old baby. He struggled with stress when DC1 was born, and ended up on medication. He’s since changed jobs, and generally is happier in his new role, but it is more responsibility. He’s the bread winner, and I do appreciate that brings its own stress with it, particularly whilst I am on maternity leave.

We spoke about his stress, and agreed he needs time for himself to exercise (as do I, but can’t timetable it whilst breastfeeding DC2 with his current work schedule and DC1 struggling with a new sibling). I asked him to speak to the GP about it so they can keep an eye in case anything flares up again. But overall I’m just so sad. On the one hand, it’s only a vape. On the other hand, it’s an addictive habit, it’s deception, over an extended period of time, to deal with something that we should be able to talk through as a couple. And obviously there are potential health consequences. Any good ideas for how I can support him more? I’m really, really cross with him, but I’m also aware that my anger isn’t hugely helpful so trying to keep a lid on that and just be supportive.

I'm not a vaper or a smoker but your reaction is over the top. No wonder he's skulking around like a teenager. If he's not vaping in the house or in front of the children (which it doesn't sound as though he is) then leave him be. He'll stop when he's ready and absolutely nobody is perfect. You've made it sound as though he's having an affair!

The opposite of addiction is believed to be connection not abstinence. Any shaming will create more issues. Addictions start because they’re ultimately an attempt at a solution to an overwhelming pre-existing problem. If you want to help him that’s where support needs to be focused but you can only ever influence other people, you can’t change them. Vaping isn’t great but it’s not anywhere near the levels of impact on the body of smoking or drugs. Alcohol is a dangerous poison too and I continue to enjoy the odd boozy night out.

For many ex smokers the addiction never quite goes away. It's always there, lurking in the background, ready to drag you back down in times of stress. It's much better that he's picked up a vape than a cigarette. The secrecy is not great but it tends to come from a place of shame - he's relapsed, he's failed, he's let you down. I think pretty much every smoker or vaper who relapses and keeps it secret is desperately hoping they can quit again before their failure is discovered.

I think you should mind your own business!!!!!

My DH is a secret smoker, not often, he knows I hate it, and the health implications. We have had words in the past, but I know nothing I can say will change it. He doesn't do it at home, in the car or anywhere I might be, so I have decided never to mention it as our relationship is worth more than a few cigarettes.