Navigating Christmas with second DC and family

[Sunrays22]

Probably an early post for the dreaded C word but we will start getting questions soon!

We are due our second DC in September (our first will be 5yo) and I'm dreading navigating Christmas this year with family.

My preference would be to go to my parents. They have plenty of space for us all to stay and it's very relaxed which will make things easier with a 3 month old - plus no cooking! We could also opt to stay at home just the 4 of us, however we don't have any space for visitors/family to stay over and both sets of families live 2 - 3 hours drive away so as it's not easy to just pop-by for a few hours we probably wouldn't end up seeing any family.

The issue is last Christmas we went to my parents so DH's Mum insisted we spend this Christmas with her - this was obviously before we knew we were having DC2! DH's Mum doesn't have enough space for all 4 of us to comfortably stay over so it would be a complete nightmare in terms of space and I just don't think it will be a positive experience for anyone! How on Earth do we approach the situation though as MIL will likely still expect us to visit and I know she won't be happy and think it's unfair if we go to my parents for Christmas again.

To add slightly more complexity, I'm the only driver in our house currently so all the pressure is on me when it comes to the travel should we decide to go visiting - I really don't want to spend the whole time driving to different relatives across the UK (as I said, one set of family is 3 hours drive away and the other set is 2 hours!) My worry is I will spend the whole time driving to make sure all the family members get to see DC OR we will just end up staying home and not seeing anyone at all over the festive period which would be a real shame.

Anyone have any advice on navigating this or what they would do?

Could you all book a lodge together? I think it’s sad that MIL doesn’t get to spend Christmas with her family. Christmas to me is all about get togethers with family. Admittedly we have everyone round our house and they stay over or bring their caravans.

DHs mum is just as important a grandparent as your mum is .

It would depend on how close and how involved they are as grandparents. Tbh with a newborn I would be going to my family regardless.

I would stay home. Your dc will want to be home as they get older, so I’d start doing that now. Then visitors can come if they would like.

Stay home.

I wouldn't fancy a 2-3 hour drive with a 3 month old. Or being squashed with a very excited 5 year old and a new baby in one room/small space.

It sounds like you'd quite like to go to your parents, but I don't think that would be very diplomatic.

Stay home, using baby as the reason. If you want, you can give PIL the option to come for Christmas, but explain they'll need to stay in a hotel/Airbnb, and that's it's going to be low-key food wise.

I have sons, no daughters, so would be the MIL in this scenario. Despite it being 30-40 years since i had babies I still remember how hard that stage is and I was the main driver. I'd say do what you want that will make it easier and most enjoyable for your little family, just as I will say to my eldest who lives abroad, he usually comes but has a new partner so no idea what they will choose this xmas🤷‍♂️ you get one short life and deserve to live it as you want not people pleasing (asI've done for most of mine 🤦‍♀️)

You can always soften the blow with MIL and say you'll come for a summer visit when baby a bit older and book a air b n b nearby now you need more space.

Stay home or go to MIL’s for the day then back home once the kids are sleepy. It’s only fair on your partner to alternate.

With such a young baby, just do whatever makes your lives easiest this year regardless of what MIL says.

This. I'm 7 weeks PP with our second and life is just chaotic so I'd do whatever is easiest for you, and I'd imagine most family would understand despite what has perhaps been discussed before you knew about DC2. You can revisit next year once DC2 is a bit older and life has settled down.

We've stayed at home since DC1 was born and invited GPs to visit if they want. We felt there was just no way to keep everyone happy and trying to travel to fit everyone in was at the expense of our Christmas enjoyment (travel, time pressure etc) and, more importantly, DC's so that's what suited us. MIL wasn't happy the first year but was more accepting the second time. Whatever you do this year has the potential to set a precedent for future years so be careful about people pleasing or agreeing to an arrangement you're unsure about.

Whatever you do, wishing you a lovely Christmas with your new addition.

It depends - what will staying at home look like for you? I think this is probably the fairest option but it depends if your DH will pull his weight or will everything fall to you?

If it's all going to be on you I'd say going to your own parents is fine

I would cordon off Christmas Eve to Boxing Day entirely and use this as an opportunity to establish your own Christmas traditions, let your 5-year-old enjoy some Christmas magic at home now that they are old enough to take everything in, and enjoy making memories together as a family of four.

Then arrange 'special' festive visits to grandparents at your and their convenience and lean in to/accommodate the squeeze at MIL's for a night or two by planning cosy activities like all watching Christmas films in your PJs, DH arranging to take her out for a mother-son meal etc.

The other thing I always say on threads about christmas is that as a Catholic family Christmas is Christmss Eve until the epithany. It gives you much more time to play with.

I wouldn’t be going anywhere with a 3 month old, people can still visit but stay in a hotel or Airbnb.

Your MIL will be upset if you go to your mum’s for the second year on the trot because this is ‘her’ year.
So decide on your policy.
Are you going to do this year in an Airbnb early to your MIL and go to her during the daytimes. Next year to your mum (no Airbnb necessary as she has ample space). Etc etc.

Or are you going to say ‘We are a family of four and we’re spending every Christmas at home now because we want to start our own traditions with our children. The five year old is nis old enough to get stuck in with traditions - remembering them from one year to the next and looking forester to what’s going to happen.

If I were you I’d stay home. If you do you’ll have to set up a way to see everyone. Either you travel and stay in an Airbnb or you get them to. You can do a ‘Christmassy get-together weekend’ in December or soon after Christmas. It doesn’t have to be the day of 25 December.

I feel your pain, it’s so hard navigating trying to keep everyone happy at Christmas. We have the added complication that DH is an only child so if we don’t spend it with my in-laws then they’re on their own.

As others have said, in your situation I would stay home. It’s so stressful staying in someone else’s house with a tiny baby, especially in the middle of the night when they’re crying & you’re conscious that everyone else is now awake. Tell both sets of grandparents that you’ll go & stay sometime in 2026 when baby is a bit older.

I would stay home, if family want to visit ask them to sort a hotel or Airbnb. That’s totally reasonable given the circumstances. I can imagine your MIL would be upset and rightly so if you decided to go elsewhere.

We do an alternating system, my family, dhs family, our house. It works well and means no one feels left out, children often really enjoy staying at grandparents and sometimes squeezing in can be part of the fun.

Depending on space at your MIL'S you could either do this year there, or next year. I'd probably go there if I were in your shoes, the relatively short journey wouldn't bother me and my parents in law doing the cooking and helping with children would be a bonus. It's up to the two of you to decide together though.

I also always think about what I'll feel like when im older and dd has grown up. I'd hate for dd to grow up and never see me for Christmas personally, though I'd understand if it wasn't every year.

I think you are letting your husband off the hook a bit here and looking at your options within the parameters he sets (even if unconsciously).
Firstly, it’s only August, tell him to organise one of those intensive driving courses so that he is driving by Xmas ‘cause it is unreasonable to always expect you to drive. Particularly with a new born breastfeeding. You are too tired.
Next, if you do go away, if he is not driving, take the train. No train option, no journey!
Also, as others have said, if you go to his mums, if you can afford it book accommodation nearby so you are comfortable if that would help?
Lastly, and to me this is obvious, if you stay at home, WHY does that mean you will be cooking? You have a small baby, presumably breast feeding - let him do it! You have a no work stay home option here!
Personally I would not go to your mums, it feels unfair. My choices would either be stay home alone (no cooking) - my personal preference - or visit his parents, without you driving, in accommodation you would be comfortable with.

Surely of all years this is the best year when you can stay with MIL as a family of four, when DC2 can sleep in a moses basket or carrycot. Then you can plan how Christmas will work for future years.

OR we will just end up staying home and not seeing anyone at all over the festive period which would be a real shame.

Would it?!?

Are there no hotels or other accommodation near you? If so, it would make more sense for people to come to you than for your 3 month old baby to be squished into a car seat that long unnecessarily.

I would do what is easiest for you with a newborn and expect that PIL/parents understand that with two children, plans made earlier this year may have to change. If either side are miffed, I wouldn't consider that my problem - they too have had small children and should remember what it's like carting them around the country.

If space is going to be a problem going forwards, could DH and DC1 go for a visit a few days before/after Christmas and you stay at home/your parents with DC2?

Id stay home & ask them to book into a local bnb if they want to visit.

You have your own family, so stay at home. What is this desperate need to rush around seeing other people?

I remember when I had our first child, I said I would never start a habit of alternating Christmasses with the inlaws and my parents as it sets precedence, which then in turn creates complications.

We have spent Christmas with both sides but its never been an annual occurance, only in certain circumstances. We had Christmas with the in-laws when FIL was terminal, and with my family another year when my brother came over from abroad at Christmas for the first time in donkeys years.

I wouldn't have been able to drive 2/3 hours at 3 months postpartum. Far too sleep deprived from breastfeeding all hours.

In your scenario I would stay home. Family would be welcome to stay nearby in hotel / b&b etc and spend the day with us.

I would expect DH to do an intensive driving course, as you cannot be the only driver with 2 children. If you have a c section you won't be driving anywhere for 6 weeks or so. I would also expect everyone to be adults and not sulk about who is spending the day with whom. Nothing would inspire me less for Christmas than knowing that I was responsible for keeping all these people happy.