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Original poster

I feel sorry for my DM for having no grandchildren

68 replies

DGConcerns · 19/08/2025 21:40

I'm an only child and my DM has been pining for DGCs for a long time. Unfortunately she has no other DCs, so all of her hopes of having them and resting upon my shoulders. I'm approaching 30 and feel as though the clock is ticking. I sadly haven't found a suitable partner to have children with, despite wanting them very much. I get the impression from being on MN that most grandparents (particularly grandmas) adore their grandkids and love spending time with them.

Are there any exceptions to that? Are there any Mumsnetters around my mum's age (late 50s) or above, who have no DGCs and aren't expecting them any time soon, and would be content if they never have any grandkids?

OP posts:
Mulledjuice · 20/08/2025 11:15

How is it relevant how other mothers feel?

She shouldn't be nagging you for grandchildren but at 30 you've hardly past it!

prettybluebell · 20/08/2025 11:15

I'm 32 and we have just started trying for a baby. I remember turning 30 and felling sad and depressed that I hadn't met someone yet, I met my husband not even 6 months after my birthday. 2 years later we're married and trying to start a family. You still have time!

Purplecatshopaholic · 20/08/2025 11:19

Navigatinglife100 · 20/08/2025 11:11

To be fair - she only had the one! She was the one that reduced her odds!!

You have a child IF YOU want one.

This! Put this out of your mind op. Have kids when, and if, you want them. Find a decent man and enjoy life together first FFS. She can hope for DGC but I am sure - well, I hope - she is aware it may not happen and isn’t her business what you do. My mum was late sixties before she had a DGC - I am absolutely sure she would have loved them earlier, but she had her kids in her thirties, and they had theirs in their thirties. She never said anything or pressured anyone - very wise woman.

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Families
ginasevern · 20/08/2025 12:35

I'm 68 and very happy not to have grandkids. I want to enjoy what's left of my life, not look after young children again.

HelpMeGetThrough · 20/08/2025 12:58

We are mid 50s and with a 23 and 18 year old, it won’t happen yet for a while and I wouldn’t be surprised if neither of them have kids.

I’m not at all bothered if we never have grandchildren. Wouldn’t be providing regular childcare anyway.

Our days of doing that are well and truly over.

RaininSummer · 20/08/2025 12:59

Very odd to be pining for them and quite ridiculous if you are only 30.

JHound · 20/08/2025 13:00

I am like you.

My mother actually has lots of grandchildren but none from her only daughter which I know saddens her (and I feel guilty about that.)

I think with time they come to terms with it.

(And I know people will think you are two young to think this way but I get it.
I started coming to terms childlessness at 31 as I knew that’s how I would end up and I was right.)

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 20/08/2025 13:02

You're still young, OP. If you want children you have time to have them. But you don't owe it to your mum to have children if you don't want them.

SirChenjins · 20/08/2025 13:06

I'm 56 and have children in their mid and late twenties - they're nowhere near having children, nor am I anywhere near wanting to have GC, I'm not old enough! Plenty of time yet, there's a lot we want to do before we have to be around for grandparent duties or have to consider them in our thinking. I may feel differently in 10-15 years time, but ultimately it's not my decision of course.

SouthernNorthernLass · 20/08/2025 13:17

My mum has a friend whose only child is not going to be having children (gay - and not interested). She has, however, ‘adopted’ some grandchildren. One of her friends died and when her friend’s daughter started having children, she stepped in beautifully to a grandparenting type role.

My MIL has been the most amazing grandmother to my eldest, who is not her biological child. Im not sure how she’d have felt about not having any more though.

That said, you still have plenty of time and options OP.

UnimaginableWindBird · 20/08/2025 13:22

I'm 50 but my kids are nowhere near old enough for parenthood yet. I would like to have grandchildren one day, in a theoretical sort of way, but I would hate to have that be a source of guilt for my children.

If they are veering towards parenthood and one of the factors in the pro list is that they know that I will support them and be involved in their children's'lives then that is fine, but if they don't want to have children, or want to but can't, or their life takes them in a different direction, then there are plenty of other ways that I can have children in my life that don't require them to reproduce.

themonkeysnuts · 20/08/2025 13:22

She wants grandkids
what do You want ?
just because she wants them is doesn’t mean she has to have them
its your life and body not hers

CanIgetARosePinkFrappucino · 20/08/2025 13:25

You are too young. You never know when you'll meet a husband. Husband, don't have kids with a partner

FreezeDriedStrawberries · 20/08/2025 13:27

Your mum's being ridiculous. I'm nearing 50, I have two sons and it's got nothing to do with me whether they have kids or not in the future.
They're their own persons, unfair to put my wants on them.
Anyways I'm happy rediscovering myself at the moment and doing things I want to do/see 😁
Ignore her. She's being very unreasonable, not you.

FreezeDriedStrawberries · 20/08/2025 13:27

themonkeysnuts · 20/08/2025 13:22

She wants grandkids
what do You want ?
just because she wants them is doesn’t mean she has to have them
its your life and body not hers

Exactly this

NewBlueNoteBook · 20/08/2025 13:28

I would love to be a Grandmother one day, but that will be entirely down to my children and their partners.

I would never ever suggest that their decision had anything to do with me.

For your Mum to guilt trip you about this is entirely unacceptable. This behaviour isn’t indicative of someone who will be a good grandparent if the time does come.

2brains · 20/08/2025 13:29

I am 55, 3 grown up kids, no GC, dont think they want kids, I am not bothered at all, not very maternal really

LoisLaneKent · 20/08/2025 13:30

I know how you feel OP, im early 30s and feel similar pressures as an only.

AgentPidge · 20/08/2025 13:33

I'm mid-60s. DD unlikely to have dch because she finds it hard to make ends meet. DS and his GF may have them and has intimated that both of them would keep working while I do the childcare. I've told him - nope! I would love to be involved in any future dgch's life though.

I have a nice relationship with dch at my church. I'm thinking of helping out with reading at the local primary school. Maybe your DM could do this? They don't need to be related to you in order to enjoy their company.

I've done my child-rearing, as has your DM. I think it's really unfair of her to have expectations of you. Life has changed since the olden days.

Mrsttcno1 · 20/08/2025 13:33

Your mum shouldn’t be guilt tripping you- having children is a huge huge thing, life changing, it has to be completely your decision.

I’m currently pregnant with my second baby and although my parents are amazing grandparents and love being grandparents and are really involved which is lovely, they never put any pressure on me to have children and were always clear that it was a big decision for us to make. My sister doesn’t have children yet, isn’t sure if she wants them, and my parents have never and would never put pressure on her.

The flip side is my MIL banged on for years about how much she looooves kids, loves babies, was desperate for grandchildren and the reality is that she doesn’t bother with her at all, rarely sees her, never checks in, couldn’t tell you a single thing that’s happening in her life. So the idea can be better than the reality clearly!

minsmum · 20/08/2025 13:33

My oldest has autism and my youngest is your age.she has just told me she is not interested in having children. While I am a little bit sad inside I would never let her know that. It's her life and her choice

Allswellthatendswelll · 20/08/2025 13:34

Omg you aren't even 30. You have ages. If you want kids for your own sake I wouldn't worry about what your Mum wants or doesn't. My DM didn't have a grandchild until 60s and neither did most of her friends. I have friends who have parents almost in their 80s and still no grandchildren but not given up hope of them!

Cinnabonswirl · 20/08/2025 13:36

I think it’s very difficult that you feel a responsibility to your mother, to gift her a child. Are you often responsible for doing things she wants? You don’t mention in your op if you actually want a child, as though that is secondary to your mother’s wishes.
you’re not even 30 and it was your mums choice to not have more children and improve her odds. I’m certain she could also do something like foster and help a child in need if she is desperate to be involved in caring. I think you need to focus more on why you think this is your responsibility to fix.

Noshadelamp · 20/08/2025 13:39

Are there any exceptions to that? Are there any Mumsnetters around my mum's age (late 50s) or above, who have no DGCs and aren't expecting them any time soon, and would be content if they never have any grandkids? @DGConcerns

Yes me!
I have three adult dcs and all of them say they don't want children. My dd's want to travel and say they are too selfish to dedicate their best years to DCs, and my ds is career minded.

I genuinely do not mind if they have DCs or not. I had my time being a mother and loved it, but have a lot of plans for the next twenty years (fingers crossed).

I sometimes imagine what it would be like being a grandmother and I think I would throw myself into it, but honestly only out of love and commitment to my dcs, not to the dgcs.

However, saying that, you want children. You still have time, and I'd be more sad for you if you were my daughter, than myself, if you aren't able to achieve the thing you wanted.

Juiceinacup · 20/08/2025 13:42

I’m a grandma but don’t think I was owed grandchildren, I have 2 adult children one of them had their own child very young and my other child won’t be having children at all. I don’t feel any difference in my relationship with my own children based on whether they have produced grandchildren or not.
if your mum has a child shaped hole in her life and given she’s only in her 50’s has she considered exploring being a foster carer. Or there are lots of children’s organisations or charities that she could volunteer with, Home Start or Befriend a Child really value grandparent age volunteers ( I volunteered with both of these myself) and as you can be involved with one family for a while you can build up a bond alongside the main aim of supporting the child/family.