Parenting in the 70s and 80s would it be considered abusive or neglectful today?

[CarolineKnappShappeyShipwright]

I'm interested in what people raised then think of how they were parented compared to what happens today. For example I was hit, not regularly and not particularly hard or anything but I wouldn't do the same to my own children. I wouldn't consider my parents to be abusive but I would report similar if I witnessed it today.

In terms of neglect - definitely all my needs were met in terms of food, clothing, activities but I look back and supervision wasn't a priority. I lived rurally and me and friends could easily wander and no one would have a clue where we were and no way of contacting us. That would have been from a fairly young age 7 or 8 often with smaller siblings we were looking after. Not a chance I would have let my kids do anything like that now. Was it neglect or just how things were then?

corporal punishment was allowed in schools so being smacked at home would not have seemed odd. My parents did smack us, although it was pretty rare. I never smacked my children.

I grew up in the 70s. Yes I was smacked, no one knew where I was for hours on end. Bath once a week. No such thing as gentle parenting. Phrases like ‘don’t come crying to me if you do x and x’, ‘I’ll bloody kill you if you jump off that and break your leg’. Probably would be considered poor parenting today.

However, it was the best childhood I could have had. I’m resilient and happy and healthy. I knew I was loved and cared for.

I feel so sorry for children born today. Social media is brutal. Many have zero survival skills, no resilience, there’s a mental health epidemic. I think we’ve gone too far as a society and become over protective and I believe this is causing harm.

I've remembered getting the bus to town alone aged around 13 and there being a really dodgy creepy bloke who would talk really inappropriately to me. No one did anything. I told my mum about it and again nothing and I was absolutely allowed to get on that bus every week with him on it. Just considered normal.

I really hope that these days another passenger might intervene.

My parents were ‘boomer’ generation from large, low income families where from age 3 or so they were frequently put out ‘playing’ with (inattentive) older siblings and acquaintances, from after breakfast until time for the evening meal. ‘Playing’ on bomb sites and things!

Getting to school and back independently from reception age. Mum frequently cooking the family evening meal from age 10.

As parents of ‘gen X’ they were more ‘protective’ than many of their peers, eg we had specific time windows and close by places to ‘play out’. They did sometimes hit us.

I don't think that sounds neglectful at all. The biggest reason I don't give my DC more freedom is honestly the traffic. So many cars going too fast and so few crossings! Wasn't like that when I was a kid, and I'm not very old.
My DH grew up stealing mangoes from neighbors trees and roasting sweet potatoes over fires in the fields in which they grew. His nieces and nephews play at home. The world is a different place.

I was bought up in that era and my parents must have been an anomaly because they didn’t hit , didn’t leave us sitting outside pubs and whilst we were allowed to play out my mum always needed to know where we were.

In 20 years time todays parenting will be seen as abusive.

We've definitely become a bit paranoid on kids playing by themselves tbh. I left my 8yo in the playground for 5 minutes the other day to pop to the shop on the corner to get a box of ice creams. I took the toddler with me of course, but 8yo was happily playing with other kids. 8yo knows he's not allowed to leave the playground and not to talk to strangers. Yes, someone could snatch him, but that will probably also be a risk when he's 10/11, and most people would think able to walk home from school by himself.

Did I do the right think? I wasn't entirely sure, went slightly against my better judgment. 8yo was fine and not bothered. I've mentioned it to 2 friends since, one of whom thinks it's a complete non-issue and the other thinks it's a bit risky and wouldn't leave her own child (same age).

kids in china are more independent than kids in the uk.

Just different times. You can't really compare to now.

100%. Make their own way to school on public transport across huge cities.

You’re childhood experience was normal for the time op.
i was brought up in the 70s/80s and my dc range from 34-14 so far think I’ve experienced quite a few parenting shifts and styles. The biggest change I have seen is the current smothering and helicoptering micromanaging parenting style . We have never paid as much attention to the mental health of our children and yet the mental health of almost everybody under the age of 20 has never been worse. I agree with a pp that ‘ 80s parenting bad 2200s parenting enlightened’ is not at all accurate . We had social skills and networks and friends, or at least other kids to play with. We were independent and actually had a fair amount of common sense and street smarts which built resilience and confidence. We worked through problems, because we had to. Schools were not often safe spaces though. Can’t remember where I was going with this , but actually I’m not that pressed with more recent parenting standards. They don’t seem to work for anyone, lots of kids lost anxious and struggling and their parents in the same boat. A bit more benign neglect might be a good thing ! Maybe early/ mid 90s might be a better compromise😂 a middle ground!

Abuse should be considered abusive, of course. But benign neglect is actually a positive thing for children, within certain limitations. Look at how many adults there are now, well into adulthood, that apparently can't do any number of perfectly normal things in life. There is a whole cohort of arguably really stunted people who may never actually grow up.

Big subject though with lots of nuance.

I'm sorry for your experiences and that you didn't feel safe, or in certain circumstances, weren't safe.

Yes controlled crying was a thing when I had my daughter. Never could deal with that as it felt very wrong and just cruel to do that to a young baby.

Octavia64

Great post

My youngest is 17 and I “gentle parented”. It absolutely doesn’t involve a lack of boundaries. I had very firm, immovable boundaries and I was very clear what they were. My children are ND and at the beginning of a day out I would be very explicit on my expectations and what would happen if they were met.

@PassOnThat if something had happened though society would judge & blame you. I think that awareness stops a lot of people if that makes sense.

I was left alone in the house quite a lot as a child whilst my parents were at work or at the pub in the evening . It probably did build resilience but I was also very scared a lot of the time when it was dark .So the leaving may be ok but I think now the practice of listening more to children may have meant I’d still be left but perhaps would be more willing to say how scared I was? That just didn’t occur to me, children’s feelings weren’t a thing.

Yes- possibly neglectful by today’s standards but some might consider today’s standards are overly risk-averse (in relation to independence and physical risks). I think at present we’re far too risk averse in some ways, getting the balance wrong between safety and independence/resilience, and far too slack in other ways (mainly around the risks that come from sedentary lifestyles and unlimited internet access).

The amount of information about parenting and child development available to an average working class parent was tiny compared with now.
There was no internet for factual information/support. This came from family and friends/neighbours which meant it could be unquestioned and self-perpetuating. The tendency was definitely to not discuss what went on in your own home as a child. I was astonished by what very close friends revealed later about their home lives.

I am really glad that the hitting of children in previous decades is now recognised for what it was - abuse. Just because it was common doesn't mean it was okay.

Also ignoring children's feelings - while every whim and wish doesn't need to be pandered to, it often amounted to emotional neglect. I didn't bother telling my parents anything because they would just get annoyed.

However, I think we have gone too far the other way with constant supervision and over scheduling of children. They need time and space to play, preferably outdoors, with other children, not being hovered over by adults. That builds independence and resilience.

'I'm interested in what people raised then think of how they were parented compared to what happens today.'

I was born in 1971. We had freedom; I wouldn't call it neglect. Now, there is a different kind of 'neglect' that we witness (too often where I live); parents not engaged with their child because of mobile phones (a wonderful, amazing invention but also addictive!).

I was roaming around our local village at 8 but there were rules (had to be home by an agreed time, had to be with friends, not allowed to roam a outside a certain area). A lot of my friends didn't have those same rules but it wasn't viewed as neglect, it was normal. The roads were safer. The main road near my childhood home now has a constant stream of traffic. Back then, 1 or 2 cars might pass you.

Despite having a very physically demanding job, my father would play in the garden with us after work until it got dark; we used to wait at the window for him to get home. This was very normal among the people I grew up around. No gaming, no phones or Netflix, just fresh air and games.

I was smacked once on the back of a leg by my mother. The most abusive thing I saw growing up happening in junior school. A teacher put an 8 year old boy over her lap, pulled his trousers down and repeatedly smacked him. I remember her face red with anger. It disturbed me at the time, I thought it was disgusting then and I still do now. It was so extreme and whilst it may have been the norm a decade before that, it was not by 1979.

Children benefit a lot from independent play, and outdoor play.

I take my toddler out for 2h+ every morning and afternoon. It's amazing how their entire attitude changes when they can play with a stick or collect acorns etc.

At home, he would constantly want very involved attention (books, playing together with toys etc - all of which we do!), whereas outside he immediately disappears into his own world with his friends.

I've never met a grumpy toddler yet who wouldn't benefit from more time outside.

I think parenting has gone mad these days TBH. As a parent you can't let your child have perfectly ordinary experiences without being accused of abuse. For example was it Kirsty Allsopp or Sarah Beeny who got SS called on her and insisted on doing a home inspection because her 15 year old went on interrail.

We need a recalibration back to something reasonable and appropriate because other countries are doing much better with raising competent, well-balanced and hardworking children without all this nonsense being piled on parents. Is it any wonder a lot of parents are just leaving their kids indoors playing on screens when you get referred to safeguarding for any little bump in an "unusual place" from climbing trees etc these days or because the parent has a medical condition/disability which it's assumed impacts the children even though in reality it doesn't (as per a thread I saw a few days ago)? We can't stop every child having any negative experience and it's ridiculous and unachievable that we're expected to TBH. And anyone questioning it is robotically told "it's just safeguarding" as if that makes it acceptable (or benign).

Meanwhile SS are so constrained by not being allowed to call a duck a duck and overwhelmed dealing with the mandatory referral, home visit and paperwork for Tarquin's bump on his shoulder that he's forgotten how he got that they haven't now got time to investigate Kayyleeee and Tiesonn's frequent school absences so they disappear into county lines or grooming. The "support" then isn't there for Kayyleeee's mum because Tarquin's mum got pushed into having "support" she didn't want or need because "that's safeguarding procedure" and there wasn't any time left for Kayleeee's mum.

The whole attitude towards parenting and children needs a total recalibration in the UK.

We have become very child-centric in the last few decades. It used to be you had kids and yes you fed them and cared for them but they weren’t necessarily the centre of your world, they fit around your (the parent’s) world. They were expected to entertain themselves and be more self sufficient from a younger age - sending Jonny at age six to the corner for mums cigarettes for example, letting them walk to school on their own, and being sent out to play pretty much unsupervised until tea time. Playgrounds back then look like death traps to the modern parent! Also if not going to uni many left school after O levels and went out to work. Proper work, and started ‘adulting’ at age 16 which many 18/19/20 year olds today struggle with even in the protected environment of university.
Nowadays we are more guilty of ‘snowplowing’ and being ‘helicopter’ parents. We’ve made our children our reason for existing.
I don’t know about hitting, though there was still a bit of corporal punishment I’m sure (I do remember rulers smacking hands at school). But the rest - kids really did bring up kids a lot of the time! It was changing- I was born in the 60s and by the 70s I remember more organised things for kids. But nothing like now with a club for everything and not letting kids out at all etc. While there are exceptions (beating kids is never acceptable) you can’t judge another time by the standards of today.