Mother has upset me…again

[PoisedUmberKoala]

Hi all,
I’ve been reading Mumsnet for many years, but this is my first post. I didn’t think I ever would post, but feel I need other’s opinions on this one.
I have a daughter who has just turned 21. My mother has done a lot of things throughout her life that has undermined me as a parent, and always trying to one-up me constantly. I won’t go into the history here, but feel at some point I do need to speak to someone about it.
The most recent incident was a few days ago which is eating me up and I’m not sleeping.
We were planning a short trip for September (me, my mother and daughter) and I was struggling to get the time off at work. There was a mention of them two going alone if they wanted, but my daughter made a comment saying ‘we wouldn’t want to go without you’. The last conversation I had with my mother I told her I could only get the 8th off and we were talking of a long weekend, and I was going away to price things up and so was she.
The next thing my daughter comes home Thursday evening and says ‘me and Nan have booked a holiday, we’re going to Egypt’. I think she saw my shock and maybe upset and said ‘are you sure you can’t get the time off?’
My mother hasn’t messaged me or anything to say. I haven’t brought my feelings up to either of them, but feel really hurt. I feel bringing it up is pointless and will just make me out to be overreacting. I haven’t slept properly since and keep going over this and previous things she has done.
I suppose I’m here just seeking others opinions on if I’m right to feel wronged here or if I am overreacting. I don’t think I would confront either about it, and I know when they do go away it is going to be worse, and I don’t want to seem bitter at that point either.
Any advice or experiences welcome
Thank you

The last conversation I had with my mother I told her I could only get the 8th off and we were talking of a long weekend, and I was going away to price things up and so was she.

When was that?

But this isn’t just about your Mother.

According to your post your adult daughter has also acted thoughtlessly.

Why on Earth didn’t you address it with your daughter at the time? Why not tell her you were hurt that they had gone ahead without discussing it with you first?

Why can’t your adult daughter and her grandmother go on holiday and you go away with them a different time?

So do I take it your DD and her DGM are going to Egypt together without you, despite your DD saying she wouldn’t want to go without you? I don’t think this is your DM undermining you as a parent - frankly, OP, if your daughter is 21, that ship has sailed - but I do think it’s thoughtless and hurtful. On the up side, it will save you money, and dear old Gran can stump up for extras for your DD while they’re on holiday together. I completely understand why you’re miffed, but if they’ve actually booked it, I fear you’ll have to let it go.

I think with situations like this, the back story is relevant. If my DM did this (which I can imagine) I would be annoyed because she is always trying to buddy up with my kids without me/one up me etc. However for people with normal DMs they would probably chalk this up to a miscommunication with maybe a little bit of thoughtlessness. Only you know which is more likely.

That last conversation before they booked was 2 evenings prior

And does this mean they definitely won't be going away for a weekend with you as well?

You are of course correct, which I am probably trying not to admit. I do feel I’m different with her the past couple of days, which is probably why I’m posting. I don’t want to hold onto anything that’ll stew. Maybe it’s early days.
I didn’t approach the subject at the time as felt so hurt I probably would have said something hurtful which I regretted.

Yes that’s right. We were talking of a separate Xmas trip (which we do every year anyway). But the way I’m feeling right now I really don’t want to go on that this year

Yes you’re right. Back story is probably everything. I don’t want to post mine here as would take a while, but sounds similar to yours. It’s been a lifelong thing really, somehow this latest has hit hardest

Ahh ok, I can see why you're upset.

I think I would probably at least have said, "But two days ago we left it at pricing up a weekend for all of us?"

I think that would've been a fair enough response.

I may have interpreted that as DD doesn’t want to do the original trip without you- as that was what you weee looking forward to doing.

Like, I was upset when DS booked to go to a specific attraction with his girlfriend. We’d been trying to go as a family but struggled to book it. So he went ahead without us. He can go anywhere else whenever he likes and I wouldn’t have been bothered, but that was something I wanted to do with my adult DC as we’d been to the films etc.

The ship has definitely sailed. I think I’m probably looking for some validation on if what I’m feeling is ok. There is a history which has obviously added to this, so I think this is probably a culmination of everything that has hit me like a bus

Them going away together isn’t the problem, it’s the way it was done and a history of similar or worse behaviour from my mother

That would upset me too but I probably wouldn’t have been able to stop saying something at the time. To both of them.

I wish I had said this at the time. Now a few days have passed, I don’t feel I have that opportunity now

I think I really should have. Now a few days have passed I wouldn’t know how to approach it properly I feel

As I have said on another thread today, learning to deal with conflict is a basic adult life skill.

You should be able to tell your DD that her thoughtlessness has hurt your feelings without saying something you would later regret.

The reason you are now feeling off with your daughter is that you have repressed your feelings but still feel them.

I’m guessing this might be a recurring pattern in your relationships.

Do some work to learn how to effectively communicate in difficult situations it will solve all these issues.

Your DD isn’t a mind reader, she doesn’t know you are hurt.

You haven’t even spoken your Mum so neither does she.

You can calmly and politely say, “I’m
hurt that didn’t consider my feelings before booking. I’m sad that I won’t be going with you.”

That gives her the opportunity to explain why, apologise and behave differently next time.

Otherwise you are doomed to repeat the same situations over and over again, damaging your relationships in the process.

This is fixable, but you will need to step outside your comfort zone to do it. Best of luck!

Speak to your DD “I was surprised at the time so didn’t say anything but I’m a bit upset you and Gran went ahead and booked without discussing with me. I feel left out and hurt.”

I think I’d still make it known to them how hurt you feel.
When they’re away, buy yourself a nice bottle of wine and a takeaway and fuck ‘em!

This is exactly what you should say and let her know ow you had agreed with your Mum two days prior that you would both look at what options were available.
Have you spoken with your Mum since? Stay calm with her but let her know that you are unhappy with how she has behaved. Sneaky.
When this is dealt with time for you to set boundaries with your Mum.

It's totally OK to tell your adult daughter that you found her behaviour hurtful.

Given your history with your own mother, it's also totally OK to consider if she is someone you actually want to go on holiday with going forwards.

Some people are never happier than when they have excluded someone else. It sounds as though your mum is like that. Do you have anyone else you could go on holiday with? Would you go on a group trip somewhere, where lots of people are on their own? I know those trips are very popular and they're a good way of getting to know other people.

If your mother has form for this sort of thing why have you spent so much time with her? It is a bit late now.

I agree - sometimes others say oh that's lovely but doesn't feel like it.

Last big one for me it hugely helped DH was also put out - usually excuses - and my Mum instant react was they'd overstepped. Couldn't say a lot as DD1 was an adult - I did a mild rebuck as it affected younger kids when they tried to spring on us later with boasting - but mostly shurg and focus on any postives.

So I think a mild comment to both you are upset - though sounds like DD is aware - should be done.