What can I do?

[weddingdressdilemma]

Morning all
(Using an old account because it may be quite outing and I don’t want it linked to my usual posts).

DH is originally from abroad and moved to the UK as a teenager with his parents and brother. DH speaks fluent English but with his parents speaks the language of their country of origin.

DH and I have a DD3.

DH’s parents dislike speaking English although they get by ok having lived in the UK for 20 years. They only socialise with friends who can speak their language so do not have to speak English except outside of their work.

I do not have a good relationship with my PIL. The behaviour relevant to this thread is that they insist that all general conversations when we have visited them or they come to us have always taken place in their language (so around the dinner table for instance they, DH and my BIL will speak in this language). FIL does not speak to me at all and MIL will speak English to me when she has something particularly to say to me (but what she has to say is often not very nice). DH will of course speak to me or translate but will often carry on a conversation separately or laugh along to what is being said and then the moment passes.

My issue is this. DH would like DD to learn the language and I don’t disagree in principle as it must be great to be bilingual. He is is trying to do OPOL (One Parent One Language) at home but DD is pretty resistant to this, speaking back in English - also when I am around DH usually switches to English, either that or I only understand about half of what is being said, and then he gets cross with me for not being able to speak the language, especially as DD takes any opportunity to speak English. I have tried to learn the language on various occasions but it is relevant that my resentment at how I have been treated by DH’s family (and DH, if I am honest) has certainly impacted my willingness to learn and making the time to learn it - plus it’s not an easy one. I try not to influence DD, I would be willing to learn for her sake but if I am honest hearing the language in my home makes me so unhappy, it sort of hammers home several years of ill-treatment by PIL and I feel isolated and stupid (for not having learned the language).

What can I do?

Well all this sounds like a very happy marriage

Learn the language
otherwise DD will end up feeling like you do
learn along with her, kids books and programmes
watch weather reports online etc

wouldn’t take that long to get a grip, 20 minutes a day DH can be your personal tutor

How often do you actually see the Inlaws?

@OthersnotsomuchExcepting this issue DH and I are all right. Also I can’t just walk out, there is DD to consider.

@Othersnotsomuchnot too much these days. Only for family birthdays and I have put my foot down over seeing them on my own ever (MIL used to come round to see DD whilst I was on mat leave and was absolutely awful). I don’t stop DH taking DD to see them.

@frozendaisyI’m wondering how I can get over the resentment.

So we’re talking a couple of times a year you see them?

I mean this all seems a lot of drama over very little

What’s in DD’s best interests here?

You don’t even live in the same country as them

Just grit your teeth and accept it. It'd be great for your daughter to be bilingual and share her dad's language. It's about him, not your in-laws.

If you're open to learning a bit alongside your daughter, even better. You can read children's books in that language alongside them, make it a cute family moment.

And have as little to do with the in-laws as possible. Fuck 'em.

I wasn’t suggesting you LTB 😆

@Othersnotsomuchwe all live in the UK. They live 10 minutes from us. Please stop responding as I think you are being intentionally obtuse and derailing the thread - I’ve included the backstory so that people can understand where I am coming from and so people don’t accuse me of drip feeding.

Family birthdays, Christmas etc to sit down for a meal and as I have said I don’t stop them seeing DD - DH doesn’t just take her there, they can visit when he is here, so actually I do see them on average 1-2 times a week. It is not about them it is my resentment of having to learn this language when in reality I don’t need to speak it and don’t have anyone to speak to it in except DH and DD (who both speak English…)

but equally there is resentment at sitting about listening to a language I don’t understand in my own home from my own husband - I feel excluded

If I were you, I’d probably want to learn the language for my daughter’s sake.

Your in-laws sound horrible, though.

You see them a couple of times a YEAR

Well that’s your issue OP and seems selfish to deny your child this opportunity because you don’t like it

Oh come on

upthread you say you only seen them for family birthdays

now it’s 1-2 a week

😆

A week. Please go away.

But upthread you said you only saw them for family birthdays!

not too much these days. Only for family birthdays

now it’s 1-2x a WEEK

Learning a second language when you are young is such a gift. It wires your brain in a whole different way and gives you advantages for life.

You should let your dd speak the language. You're doing it for her and not for your in-laws.

Walk away every time they speak in their language

tell your daughter to respond to her dad not you when he is teaching her. And it’s normal for a kid to reply in English.

its only drama because you are making it into drama.

They’ve lived in the UK for 20 years so I think they’re being incredibly rude to speak in their language when they know you don’t understand what’s being said. Your husband included.
With regards to your daughter, I think it would be beneficial for her to learn the language but I’d also be worried that your DH especially, would then talk to her in ‘their’ language and further exclude you. You could learn with her but I can see why you’re resentful about it.
I think your husband is treating you with as much disrespect as his family are. He could easily say to them, ‘Mum and dad, it isn’t on to exclude Wedding from the conversation so could you speak in English please?’

You do it for your daughter
not you or your in laws
it’s what you do for your kids drop the past and look forward
let in laws carry on who cares they are the older generations concentrate on the younger ones